A/N: Here is chapter 26 (Part 1) - Remember I speak Spanish, so I'm sorry for the errors this might have. Thank you so much for all your comments :) They really mean a lot !!! And it may take a while to get a next update, I'm starting my vacations and will be on them till the 15th of January! Please bear with me and I hope you don't give up on this story!!
Enjoy and please let me know what you think =D
Chapter 26 (Part 1)
The next day I woke up startled. The sound of a buzzing was penetrating my anyway too disturb sleep. I had been all night tossing around, grimacing and wincing, and not being able to sleep for one hour straight.
The buzzing had become more familiar as my eyes snapped open. They scanned warily my room, finding first the gray light coming from my window, and then, shaking my head to wake up completely I discovered the buzzing was the sound of my cell phone.
I gulped heavily, remembering what was the last thing I had done last night before going to bed. And I was too afraid to look at what my cell phone could have back for me. I was once again chickening out.
"No, Bella!" I shouted to myself. "You can't do this to him, you have to be strong and talk." Maybe I seemed as the whacko I was right now, but there was nobody here to notice.
With shaky legs I stood up from bed and took the cell phone from my desk. I took deep breath and opened it.
'I need to talk to you, too.' Jasper had replied.
I frowned, unconsciously. Biting my lip and confused I replied to the message.
'Okay. Can we meet today, please?'
I bit my nails until I received the next one.
'4?'
It was it. 'At the park?'
'Yeah.'
Jeez, those one-word messages. As if it would be that difficult to write two words instead of just one!
'Meet you there.' This time I pressed the keys strongly, feeling angry.
With that I landed once again defeated in my bed. My eyes staring at my white ceiling… it was as if it was tighter today, as if all my room was too tiny and it was very difficult to breathe.
I ran out of the room, gasping for air. I breathed deeply there, beside the stairs. It seemed as if the capacity of my lungs was normal again, and the air could go in and out in an easy way. As crazy as I was right now, it was no surprise if I had invented the little panic attack. But everything did feel tinier, though… as if I was running of space. As if I was running of time.
I was going to enter to the bathroom, decided on taking a shower and calming myself down, but the sound of hands touching paper made me smile. As if I was suddenly seven years old again, I ran through the stairs and to my father's arms. I needed the unconditional support that only a parent could give to their child.
"Bella…?" Charlie said worriedly as he held me tightly to his chest. He was sitting in a kitchen's chair, drinking coffee as he always did. "What is it, little girl?"
I clenched even more to him, until he embraced me in his arms as a baby. I only could shake my head, placed now in his shoulder.
"Shh," he comforted me as he rocked me from side to side. "Everything is going to be okay, I promise. Don't cry."
So it was the tears what was blurring my sight. I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself down. The truth was that I needed to cry in an immense way. I needed to let out all the painful feelings I had inside, the monster I had almost become. And even worse, I needed to scream how unbearable was to even think of everything I was giving up for not becoming this monster. I needed to scream how painful it felt inside to know that I could never had him.
When I was only sobbing, moments later that seemed like a whole eternity, he unclenched my arms off his chest. He whipped my tears away with his thumb and stared intently at my face.
He breathed deeply, then, and now I could see it was him the one that was trying to compose. Would I always make everyone cry? "Will you tell me what happened?"
I shrugged in his lap. What would I tell him, that I had almost kissed Edward when he was with Jessica and I with Jasper? That I had just found out that I loved my best friend in a way that should be illegal? That I knew I could never have him as something else than a friend because I was going away in less than a week, and because I didn't even know if he wanted me back in that way?
With my brain projecting all my misery, I burst out again. Strongly, now. It seemed as if the cry would choke me. Well, I sure deserved that, so I let it do its things inside me. The only thing I did do was placed my head in my father's shoulders once again. But I wasn't only comforting myself, I was trying to save deep in my heart how his hugs felt. Because I knew I would need them when I'd be away.
"Bella, please talk to me. I'm starting to worry here!" He pleaded with his head over mine, his arms embracing me again. "Do I need to go and kick somebody's ass? Huh? Do I need to go find my gun right now? Because you know I have no problem in using it."
I laughed once, but it went out more as a gasp. Though the words were buried deep down my body, I tried to speak. "Dad, you've never used the gun." I mumbled through his shoulder.
He laughed once, too. "There is always a first time, Bells." He sighed then, relieved. "And I'm glad you are talking again."
I nodded. There was luckily no more salty water inside me to spill. But I didn't want to move, I felt truly safe here.
He stayed quiet then, as weighing up the situation. "So, did somebody hurt you?" He pushed again, angriness shown in every sound of his deep voice. "Was it this Jasper because he found out about Edward and you? I have to say it took me by surprise when I found out, well— not really, I really have always known how much you loved him and he loved you. It was the only thing I was silently hoping, that you two would realize you needed to be together, that you two would stop being blind and realize how much more important you are to the other than you really think. But I have to say it was shocking when I first heard it, anyway. And, by the way, I'm really angry that I had to find out for my colleagues first and not for my daughter herself.
"I really thought you were with Jasper, though. Well, but I really didn't like him so much, so… I'm glad you are with Eddie. He has always been the best one for you. He's the only one that I wouldn't be jealous if he was with you because you can notice his love for you from miles away. It's almost enviable."
I stared at him blankly, not being able to cut him off by how much his words were crumbling my brain. It was as if each one he'd spoken had entered to my system and destroyed everything in it as a mortal weapon.
"Bella, did you hear to anything I said?" Charlie frowned worriedly again. "Bella," he shook me lightly, trying to bring me back from some corner of my mind.
But I couldn't come back; the pain in my chest was just too agonizing when my mind started to recreate everything we could have been together. I was suddenly angry with everyone. How could HE always know? Why didn't he ever say anything to me? So I was the only stupid here that had wasted all her time when she could have been with the one she loved? Or at least fighting for the one she loved to love her back in the same way? It didn't matter now, though. It couldn't matter.
Charlie shook me again, his eyes hurt in mine. "Maybe you wanted this to be a secret, but my colleagues knew. I don't know how they found out, but they know Edward's your boyfriend."
"D-dad," I tried to choke out, wincing. "E-Edward is not with me, dad. He's not with me…" I shook my head slowly, my arms finding my chest as the pain would spread through all my body.
"He's not with you?" He widened his eyes.
I shook my head, slowly again. But only because it hurt too much to do it fast. "No, dad. No, he's not. It was just something he invented so Jacob Black would back off. But he won't ever be with me, truly, dad. He won't."
"Is this because you are going to Dartmouth and he isn't?"
I tried to suppress a moan of pain that was coming from my lips. "Among others."
He sighed deeply, his eyes suddenly in some invisible spot. Somehow his shoulders were tenser now. "Why does it have to be so difficult? Why isn't that you can't be with the one you love?"
I was going to deny it, to say I didn't love him in that way. But why would I waste my time? He already knew. Some thing of his speech, though, made me think that maybe he wasn't referring entirely to me. Because there was something I had always known, too.
"Dad, you have to talk to Sue." I said each word slowly, scared he wouldn't stand it.
His eyes met mine in that second, his expression all too tense. But then he dropped his eyes to the floor, and hurt was instead replaced. "Why would I?"
"Because you love her, dad. You love her."
It felt as if he was about to cry, his eyes still hiding looking at the floor. "She's my friend, Bella…"
"As Edward is mine?" I arched an eyebrow involuntarily. It was as if every piece of a puzzle I had truly already complete in my head, was falling to place.
"It's different." He shook his head, his voice faltering.
"No, dad, it isn't! You deserve happiness, you really deserve it. Mom died but that doesn't mean you aren't supposed to love again. And Sue can love again, dad, she needs to. It would be what Harry and Mom would want, to see you two happy."
He sighed deeply, looking up now. "What if she doesn't feel the same?"
I smiled at him. "Trust me, dad, she does."
After giving him another strong hug, I stood up, decided in what I was looking for. I came to his side a minute later and gave him the phone. "In fact, call her right now. Ask her out."
His eyes widened with the unexpected action, and they suddenly felt so young. As if he was my age and reviving what it felt to feel that nervousness inside. That warm and sweet nervousness.
He took the phone with shaky hands, his eyes sparkling now. He was going to talk, to complain maybe, but with a mischievous smile he stood up and went inside the living room.
I lay in the kitchen counter, feeling happy for him, now. But also jealous; he would take a chance. He would do what his heart would tell him to. Me, on the other hand, I would just immerse myself in my huge misery and wouldn't do anything about it. Only talking with Jasper, that was the only thing I would do. Not for me, but because he truly deserved an apology.
Charlie came to the kitchen a while later, but I was still like a living statue pasted to the kitchen counter. That by the way, brought some memories I didn't want to feel. Well, deep down I did, but that wasn't the case.
"And…?" I said impatiently, as his face was unemotional.
He half smiled, his eyes were sparkling again. "I'm gonna take her out on a dinner, tonight."
I ran to his arms, laughing with joy. "Dad, that's amazing!"
He laughed too, a sound that irradiated such a happiness that made me want to shout.
"I didn't tell her, still. But I took a chance and now I'll see how it goes." He sighed deeply, relieved. "Thank you, Bells." I could feel the truthful of his words. "And I hope I'm not the only one taking chances here. I hope I'm not the only one who is following their heart." With that, he took his equipment and went to work.
I spent the next few hours thinking of how I could speak my feelings without hurting Jasper. As I did the cleaning of the house - that was once again not too tidy for my lack of house work in these past days - my brain started shooting ideas of how could I say it. But any of them seemed right; I would hurt someone no matter what. That was my cursed in this life; I would always hurt somebody even if I didn't want to. Ugh.
This time I got ready on time and went to the car 3:45. I really didn't want to be late. I only wanted to do something right for once, and I needed to do it the sooner possible.
Jasper was waiting in one of the park's bench when I arrived. And a park that I had always loved, full of flowers, children and laughs, felt now as dead as ever.
I walked to the bench slowly, the nervousness now reaching me a bit. But it wasn't that warm one I was sure Charlie felt this morning, this nervousness wasn't pleasant at all. It was the one that would tell you, you'd be about to do something difficult and painful.
"Hi," Jasper said unemotional when I sat beside him.
"Hi," I mumbled back, staring at the front. Now the nervousness was overpowering everything inside me. So much that my hands were starting to sweat and my legs to shake.
"You needed to talk to me," he said in a low voice.
"Yes, and you said you needed to, too."
He sighed deeply. "I think I don't want to be with you anymore, I just don't feel the same than before. I'm sorry, Bella." He breathed again. "It was that what I needed to say."
My eyes widened with the unexpected words, I truly didn't see that coming. And a sigh in relief was going to go out of my mouth, when I stopped it abruptly as I saw his features. He seemed to be wincing, though he eyes were in the floor.
With a frown, I revised his words in my mind… and there I noticed the lack of conviction they had. As if they weren't the truth, as if he only said them for me to hear them.
"Jasper," I breathed. "You are doing this so I don't feel so bad, don't you?"
He started shaking his head, but then he stopped and he nodded instead. "Pathetic how I care about you, isn't it?" He laughed bitterly.
And something broke again in my chest. I hated myself so badly right now. "I don't deserve you at all." I muttered, folding my arms across my chest.
His eyes met mine in that same second. "How can you see yourself so unclearly?"
"Please don't make me feel well. I deserve that you hate me right now."
"I don't," he said strongly. "Can I ask for an explanation, though. It's not that I don't know already, but I want to hear it from you."
I gulped heavily, the nervousness showing again. "I'm going to Dartmouth this Sunday."
He arched an eyebrow. "Is this only about Dartmouth?"
"Yep." I lied, now my eyes going unconsciously to the floor so he wouldn't notice.
"He doesn't have any part on this matter?" The words showed a hidden angriness he was trying to suppress speaking lightly.
And I knew who he was talking about, exactly. But I couldn't say it. "Jacob is already dead to me."
He suddenly took my face in his hands and commanded my eyes to look up at his. "I'm not talking about him, Bella."
"Oh," I made a face. "W-who else can it be?"
He sighed deeply, his hands still firm in my cheeks. "Edward doesn't have anything to do with this? It isn't about what you feel for him?"
Of course. Of course he knew. "Edward is my friend." I managed to choke out.
"Bella…," he frowned and shook his head. "You are really insulting me."
I frowned at him unconsciously, and my brain started searching everything I had said, looking for something that could have insulted him. But it came up with nothing.
"I didn't do that!" I complained, taking my face off his hands.
He laughed, a bitter as lemon laugh. "I really thought you thought I was more intelligent," he sighed deeply. "Do you really think I buy the 'it's only my friend' thing?"
"I—" I trailed off. My eyes dropped instantly to the muddy ground, a fire suddenly burning my cheeks. "It doesn't matter anymore, I'm leaving Forks." I ground my teeth together, trying to stop the unstoppable pain that was once again corrupting all my senses.
"Why are you so masochistic, Bella?"
"I'm what?" I made a face. I was sure many things, but I didn't know one was masochistic.
He sighed deeply, his eyes suddenly lost in some place of the space. "Why you have to always suffer when it's unnecessary? Why don't you realize you deserve happiness?"
I flinched, unable to say anything. Was that what was all about? That I thought I didn't deserve happiness? My mind went some hours back when I was saying the same thing to my father. But I was doing everything so wrong right now, I was sure that like this I didn't deserve happiness.
But I didn't want to say it to him, I really didn't want to tell him about my almost kiss with Edward. It would be too much. So as the chicken I was, I said nothing at all.
We stayed quiet like that for an immense time, staring to each other faces and then to nowhere in particular.
Some time he broke the impossible silence, though the air was still tense. "I may take a break of dating," he mumbled. "I really need to solve other things in my life right now."
I nodded quietly. I sure needed the same.
"Besides," he continued, his features almost showing a wince. "You were the only girl worth it in this town. The others are stupid."
"No, I'm sure not," though Lauren and Jessica proved me wrong. But one name came strongly to my head, and for how his face shined in that second, I knew the same name appeared in his mind, too.
"Yeah, you are probably right," he smiled timidly. "You are not."
I smiled then. Something made me think that my relationship with Jasper was merely starting instead of ending. As if our true relationship was beyond romance, as if we had been made to support each other, talk and laugh. As if he was the big brother I never had, or sometimes… the little one.
I wasn't scared anymore that he would be miserable, because I knew he wouldn't. That same name appeared strongly behind my eyes. And even though she was the one that claimed to able to see the future, I knew, now, that my prediction was too strong.
We continued talking randomly, just trying to dissipate the tense air. Trying to say 'good-bye' in a not so difficult way. It seemed as if hours had passed, and passed fast. When twilight was starting, it was obvious that the real time had come.
"So…," he sighed deeply, staring at my face.
"Yeah…," I sighed back, hearing the hidden words.
"Take care, Bella." He smiled, taking my hands in his. "I won't forget you, you know?"
I smiled at him, half heartedly. "You don't have to, I'll be seeing you in the break. Okay? And I hope when I come back, you'll have already arranged you things with your mother and you'll have already told you father that you prefer football and cooking instead of boats. Alright?" I arched an eyebrow playfully.
He bit his lip and nodded. "Alright." His eyes posed then intently on mine. "And I hope you find out that you don't deserve misery, and that you still have time. Alright?"
Even though my chest was cracking again, I didn't take my hands of Jasper's ones. "Alright." I managed to breathe. "Jasper?"
He looked up at me. "Yes?"
I needed to say this. "I'm sorry, I really am." I spoke in almost a whisper, but I was sure he caught it.
He came closer to me, his eyes intently on mine, his lips coming closer to mine. I stayed in shock for some seconds, unable to move… With a fast movement he changed the way and gave me a soft kiss in my left cheek. He laughed softly. "Don't be, you've truly helped me, Bella, even if you don't realize it now."
I let him hug me, and then, after a quiet but very meaningful good-bye, we walked through different paths to reach our cars. But there I vowed again that our paths would meet in some time, in some place. And I would see him happy with the girl he deserved, with his problems with his mother fixed, and being the best Chef of this town.
I drove back to my house slowly. Thinking of how good this went, and how things could go well if I did the right thing. Even if I had promised Jasper that I knew I still had time to follow my heart, things would go too wrong if I did what it commanded me. Even if the command was overpowering every inch of sense I still had in me.
When I entered to my house, Charlie was already ready, all clean and perfumed. And I could only smile at him, happiness again filling me as I saw my father fulfilling what he wanted.
He was talking through the phone, in the living room, and his face showed a pain that it didn't quite go with the nice situation.
"Who was it, dad?" I said warily when the call ended. I sat in front of him in the coffee table, folded my arms across my legs and placed my chin on my knees.
He sighed heavily; his eyes were trying to compose from the pain. "It was a call from Dartmouth. They say there is a big meeting made to get to know others, and that's highly important that you go." He seemed to be quoting the exact words.
"Okay," I shrugged. Why would they call to only say that? "Of course I'll go, no problem. Anything else?" I mouthed as his eyes would give him up.
"The meeting is this Thursday." He finished, speaking each word slowly.
"Oh," was all I could say until my chest crashed again. I tried to compose myself, though now it seemed completely impossible.
He scrutinized my face worriedly. "You don't have to go though; you can still go this Sunday."
I shook my head. Clenching my legs to my chest I tried to stop the unstoppable force that was trying to shatter it in pieces. It was difficult to speak, but I tried anyway. "What difference would do three days, I was going anyway."
He dropped his eyes to the floor, and I was sure he wanted to hide the immense pain that this decision produced him. "Okay, if it's what you want…"
"It is," I tried to convince him… and me. In that same time a horn sounded outside the house. "Now go, dad. You don't want to make her wait in your first date."
"Nah, I'll tell her to leave it for another day. You are leaving me in a couple of days."
"Dad!" I cried. "I won't ever leave you, don't say that again!"
He smiled half heartedly. "I'm glad to hear that."
"Good. Now go!" I ordered him, pointing the door with my finger.
"Yes, ma'am." He chuckled. And then his eyes became young again, as if he was remembering something. "Bella, I want you to know that I will never forget her. She's never been just a woman for me. And a piece of my heart will always belong to her. Okay, little girl?"
Even though he didn't say the name, I knew exactly who was he talking about. And deep down, I was relieved that I heard him say it. It was something that I needed to know.
I nodded and give him a kiss in his cheek. "Go, tiger. Sue is waiting." I winked at him.
"'You sure you don't want me to stay with you?" He stared at me intently, trying to find the tiniest of hints that would tell him I wasn't.
So I composed my face as I had never done. "A hundred percent sure. Now, go!"
With a smile and a 'have a good night' he walked to the door and out of the house. But it seemed as if he was flying, instead.
I stayed in the coffee table for longer than necessary, only hearing the 'tick-tock' of the old clock placed in one of the walls. I was going away in two days. I was leaving the town I had grown up and I had learned to love, behind me. I was leaving everyone I loved behind me too. I was…
But I couldn't continue, I knew where this trail of thought was leading, and I wouldn't manage to think it without having another panic attack.
With shaky legs, I decided to go asleep early. I wasn't in the mood for eating anything, or tell anyone about the change of plans. Besides, tomorrow I needed to make all the arrangements so I needed to rest well. None of them were the primordial reason, but as I was so good at lying to myself, I let it be.
I went straight to the bathroom and took a long shower, relaxing my all too tense muscles. I stayed in it until the water came out cold. With a pout I went out of the shower and peeped at myself in the mirror…
So here I was, eleven years after I had seen myself in this same mirror. Here I was with my long brown hair, with my too average features and body. Here I was with the most complex mind I had never thought I would have. Here I was saying good-bye to all that I had always wanted.
The pain in my chest gave me time to run to my room and dress with my Oasis sweat. But after that, I collapsed to the floor, my hands holding tightly all my body. I tried to breathe deeply, trying to dissipate the pain that was this time hurting every pore of my body.
I rocked myself in the woody floor, whispering my lullaby again and again. Though it wasn't my voice the one I wanted to hear when singing that song, and it wasn't my arms the ones I wanted to be holding me tightly now.
I was going to scream for the pain, when I heard something coming from the window. With now scared eyes, I looked up. My mind overworking in what it could found there. A serial killer, maybe. Well, so come in! I was sure my face would be so pathetic right now that he would feel pity and go back from where he came.
"Ouch," I heard more clearly. It was evidently a man's voice.
Now with my heart racing, and scare consuming me, I stood. Alright, Bella. You have seen 'CSI'; just hit him with the bedside lamp, my mind commanded me. With shaky legs I went to my bedside table, unplugged the lamp, and took it in my hands with determination.
"I can do this, I can do this," I kept repeating to myself as the 'Ouches' sounded closer. I walked in tip toes to my window, my heart raising with the scare, my breathing going heavier as the sounds came from closer and closer…
I saw the shadow of a figure reflected in the woody floor, and with that I lifted the lamp up, ready to attack.
"Ahh," the figured and me shouted at the same time as we stared at each other. With the adrenaline I dropped the lamp that landed in the floor with a big CRASH!
Then, as if realization had suddenly hit us completely, we shut up. And now my heart beat with violence, but not for scare precisely. Not for scare at all.
