Rosalie
I think, in a way, it was sort of inevitable.
We were both so tired of just…pretending.
We assumed, without ever saying a word of course, that we could last until we went away to college. We just would coincidentally, not attend the same one.
It was that simple.
I couldn't ignore the cold however. It was just freezing all the time. If I were a heartbroken sentimentalist, I would blame it on the icy termination of my first love.
Doesn't that first love always just kill you?
It's entertaining to think how repellant we became towards one another. Angry.
Spiteful.
But I don't believe I would've wanted it any other way.
Something we both didn't expect was flung at us.
Literally, flung.
How else does Bella Swan know how to enter peoples' lives?
That girl-as crazy and alive as she was-had this inexplicable air about her. It was addicting to be around her…her presence and life just filling you until she became just so…infectious.
Edward was smart enough to notice her. To get his hands on her. I always admired him for that. His quiet brilliance.
But I wanted her too.
And so, despite the fact that my boyfriend was in love with her, I still trusted her.
That was the thing about Bella Swan. She sort of grew on you and didn't go away.
And I'm not entirely sure I wanted to let go of my best friend, anyway.
It didn't really matter all that much now. After I threw that punch and she took it and got it and was just so Bella I knew she would make it okay.
That we had made it.
Somehow, I knew that she was meant to save me. And Edward. Though she'd fallen for him in the process.
That part still hurt.
I just didn't know how to let go. It hurt too much.
I shoved my arms into the hot, soapy water and scrubbed the pans with all the intensity of a hard-working housewife. I could hear Edward and Bella talking. Or not talking.
They were weird like that. As much as I hated to admit it…they were sort of perfect for each other.
Despite my very skewed definition of perfect.
"Bella, why don't you check out the pool in the backyard. I think you're one of the very few people who will actually appreciate it. I have some suits upstairs-the white dresser on the left, bottom drawer."
I heard Bella jump off the counter.
"Where's your room?"
I turned to look at this silly girl. Her hair was all messy (she never paid any attention to it), and her eyes were petrified (she was terrified of my house). I was struck in that moment by her innocent beauty-untouched by make-up or plastic surgery or even a bit of false pretenses.
She was genuine, pure and simple.
I envied her for it.
But it was a good sort of envy. One that made me want to be better.
"Up the stairs, down the hall, last room on the right." Edward answered for me.
She bobbed her head and shuffled out, watching her awkward feet in that endearing way she has. Edward watched her go, unable to hide the half-smile that crept up his usually somber features. I watched him, silent.
Finally, he turned to me. His eyes met mine for the first time in…a long time. I think we'd stopped looking each other in the eye when it became just…too unbearable.
How do you look each other in the eye when everything's a lie?
When everything you thought you knew…is just not?
He scratched the back of his neck, "I'm sorry."
I nodded, accepting it. I wanted those words to flow through me…like a healing serum.
He didn't step closer, didn't touch me, he just kept looking at me with those sea eyes that used to make me want to conquer the world.
I tried not to hurt for what was lost.
For the fairytale princess dreams I would never have with him.
So I just looked back at him.
It was the only thing I could do without crying. I didn't want to be that girl, for God's sake.
"You okay?" He asked, rubbing his jaw.
"Fine." I whispered.
He stopped fidgeting. "I'm sorry," he said again, like he knew.
"Stop apologizing." I sighed.
I was so tired.
"What else do you want me to do, Rose?"
"Nothing." I ground out, squeezing my eyes.
It was quiet. He never looked away from me.
"I miss you."
He inhaled quickly, like the wind had been knocked out of him.
After an eternity, he murmured, "Miss you too, bug."
I think that's what did it. Everything got blurry and suddenly I couldn't stop talking. "I know this whole thing seems stupid to you…the fact that I can't get over this. I mean, we were kids, right? But I just want you to know that for the first time in my life, I feel strong and in control and I'm growing. I'm learning from this and it's okay because that's how you become an adult and I know why you're in love with her but god…it just hurts, Edward-"
Suddenly I was enveloped in his arms. I buried my nose in the space between his neck and the collar of his t-shirt and tried not to think about how this was the last time I'd ever be comforted by his scent. He rubbed by back carefully, not saying anything.
"I wasn't gonna get all emotional on you, Edward. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, I deserve it."
Another sob tore up my throat without my permission. "You were my best friend."
His arms tightened. He pulled back to see my face.
"I don't regret anything. Please know that."
"I do." He replied, his eyes closing for a second, pained.
I slid my hand along his cheek. "You were my sunshine," I whispered.
His jaw clicked in that way it does when he clenches it too hard.
"But I think…I need to find my own way…my own sun. Forks is a prison. But you were my prisoner too."
This is me letting go, Edward.
"So you're free to go."
An odd sound escaped from Edward's throat as he shoved his face into my shoulder, clutching my sides. "I love you."
I combed my fingers through his unruly hair. "Love you too."
And though it hurt like hell, I could feel some part of me mending and closing and I knew that this was just life.
And the fuckery that is getting older.
And it pulled and tugged and throbbed but it made me feel alive.
And suddenly, I could see the world clearly.
