The Next Three Chapters (8,9,10) may to some seem a little far-fetched. They are dedicated to and inspired by my closest of friends, Kelly. Last year her Mother up and left without a word and I watched her go through the pain I've put Nessie through in this Chapter, but then she just stopped feeling anything, and became a bit out of control. So if any of you feel that they way Nessie copes with all this is unrealistic, then I'm sorry, but you're wrong. Your understanding of what I'm talking about will grow (especially in the two chapters after this), but let's just say that in the dynamic I had with my friend Kelly, she was Nessie, I was Cora.
Thanks to ALL REVIEWS. To NicoleV: Because I really DO love hearing criticism. It means your paying attention.

I don't like this Chapter, but that's probably because I know what the next few hold, and it's SO much more exciting than listening to Nessie hurt. But hurt she must, and hurt she does:


Chapter Eight: It will be as if I'd never existed.

When Francesca returned from the trees, Victor exchanged a few words with her as Cora lifted me into her arms. She held me tight as the tears continued to roll down my cheeks. My sobbing had stopped, now I just stayed frozen; my eyes fixed in the distance. Victor came over to speak firmly to Cora.

"Two miles north, splitting off in all directions, we must go now." She just nodded, looking down at my frozen expression. Then we were gone.

{--}

I could see how fast we were moving, but Cora kept me so still it felt like I was just gliding through the woods. After a while Francesca came to a sudden stop before us.

"Cora, can't you cover her scent, it's driving me insane!" I felt Cora's growl vibrating in her chest.

"No, Francesca she needs to keep us all covered together for a while longer. We'll hunt, it should make it easier. Cora, are you coming?" Victor turned back over his shoulder to us.

"I'm not leaving her!"

"Fine, we'll be back soon." I didn't look up to watch them disappear, my eyes were still fixed in a daze, not even blinking as I thought of everything that had just happened, letting the pain burn through me. Cora sat down on the ground, never trying to release me from her arms. Everyone I had ever cared about was gone; left behind because I couldn't face the truth that they had hidden from me for so long. I'd never in my life been so exposed, so vulnerable. That's why I needed Cora; she was my surrogate, my guardian and my friend. She was all I had left.

"You could leave a note." I kept myself frozen, using my gift to communicate, too frightened of my own emotions to move.

"What?"

"It's entirely your decision, but I could leave a little of your scent and they would find it."

"Wouldn't Victor and Francesca be mad?"

"Why would they? If it's what you want then you should do it. It might be better that they know why you're gone." I whimpered a little as a few shreds of agony slipped through the daze in which I had imprisoned them.

"Ok." My words came out quieter than a whisper, I couldn't manage any more. Cora twisted her arms around, taking a scrap of paper and pen from the bag I'd forgotten she'd taken from me.

"Would you like some privacy?"

"No, no, please stay!"

"Ok, I won't go anywhere, don't worry." She placed the pen in my hand and put the paper on my lap, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I waited for a moment, planning what the hell to write. I forced my pen across the page as the words came to me, gasping every few minutes when the cramping inside me got too much.

I know everything.
I know about Jacob and Bella; that he loved her first. I know about the imprinting, and the fact that my birth was such a horror to some of you.
I'm leaving; I want Jacob to be free. I want us all to be free.
I don't blame any of you for trying to stop me ever existing, at the moment I wish you'd succeeded.
Sorry if I've ever made any of you suffer.
Forget me.
It will be as if I'd never existed.

The sentences were incomplete; it was more like a list of my thoughts than a structured goodbye. I didn't sign my name at the end, it seemed pointless, and a few tears that Cora had not wiped away had dripped onto the sheet. But it was what I wanted to say. I couldn't scramble my thoughts well enough to write anything more comprehensive, so it would have to do.

"Come, we'll spread your scent a little." Cora placed me gently on my feet, keeping a hold of my hand as we walked slowly through the trees. After a few minutes she stopped. "We should get a rock or something, to hold it down." I released her hand, and took the long chain from around my neck, not allowing myself to look down at the trinkets dangling from it.

"Will this do?"

"Renesmee, are you sure?"

"Yes. I can't keep it, not now." Cora bent down, placing the chain on top of the paper, and a small rock beside it to be sure.

She scooped me back into her arms and I just sat in my daze. Not flinching when Francesca and Victor returned.

{--}

My eyes shot open and I bolted upright. As my fingers dug into the pillow my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room.

"It was dream, just a dream!" A moment of euphoric relief filled me before my heart leapt when a cool hand touched mine.

"Renesmee." My chest rose and fell quickly. The painful sobs returned as I recognised the voice.

"Cora?" She came to kneel beside me, wrapping me in her arms as I started to shake.

"I'm so sorry, but it wasn't a dream." I whimpered as my stomach clenched. Cora's hushing sounds floated through the darkness of the room as she stroked my hair. My breath kept catching in violent shudders as I inhaled.

"I thi- I think I nee- I need to be a-alone." She pulled back and nodded.

"I'll be right on the other side of that door; you need me you just call. The three us will be out there, we won't leave you." I just nodded as she kissed my forehead, dropping back down on the pillow as Cora slipped silently through the door. I lay on my side, staring at the window on the other side of the unfamiliar room. I could hear Francesca, Victor and Cora's voices through the wall behind me so I folded my pillow over my ears, desperate to block them out. I clenched my teeth, grinding them as wave after wave of grief passed over me.

{--}

Sleep Renesmee, Please sleep! My entire body was in agony, and my mind was throwing up all the memories of today. I just wanted to sleep, to slip into unconsciousness and be numbed. I'd happily never wake up.

Sleep did not come quickly. I'd rocked myself slowly, feeling the hot tears flowing down my cheeks as the pain continued to stab all over.

{--}

When I woke up a strong light streamed through the window, burning my eyes. There was a curtain, but I didn't move to draw it, I just stayed on my side, willing the pain to go away. There were no tears for a while. Just silence as my thoughts set about torturing me.

What have you done? You think this is smart, that you leaving won't cause them any pain? Perhaps I was stupid, but I couldn't go back. I couldn't carry on being a Cullen. Thinking that name triggered a feeling like getting hit in the stomach with a wrecking ball. I rolled up tighter as I started to sob, louder and louder. On the other side of the wall behind me I heard a loud crash, and hushed but firm voices.

{--}

The sun set then rose again. My body and my mind ached in an inescapable agony. I wished I could escape, escape this body, this life.

You have no life Renesmee; you've left it all behind. A pathetic laugh escaped my lips as I considered the fact I was probably going insane; the voices in my head seemed to be getting louder. It was as though my agony was slowly chipping away at my state of mind, butchering my sanity.

Sleep was of little relief. I dreamt of the scene Francesca showed me, of the kiss I didn't see.

My dreams would replay for me events in my life in agonisingly intricate detail;

Conversations with Jasper, my life-long confidant, that I cherished so deeply,

How Emmett would teach me to fight, but just end up rolling around with me, tickling me until I begged for mercy,

Playing dress-up with Alice,

I could feel Rose's fingers as I dreamt of how she used to run them through my hair.

And when my imagination created for me my incensed Father, and his desperate want to have me dead, I was thrown from my sleep with as shudder, gasping for breath.

I dreamt of Leah. I dreamt of all of them; of Esme's kisses, Carlisle's hugs and running from Jacob as he hunted me in the woods, and when I woke the pain would be excruciating.

{--}

I thought of My Jacob constantly, each time I did this I'd sink my nails into my flesh in an attempt to hammer home that he wasn't mine anymore. I'd set him free. But there was no denying that whatever happened, I would always be his. While this turmoil ripped through me, which I knew it would for all eternity, there would be no room for anything else, no room for any other but him. Since the day I was born there had been one end of an elastic band wrapped around my heart, the other end of it was attached to Jacob Black. The further he was from me the tighter it pulled. I thought it had hurt when I left him in Forks, but the band was now so tight it felt as though it were ripping through the organ; puncturing the key to my existence.

I thought of my mother, and the birthday I had missed. Thinking of her sent anger ripping through me, anger that seemed to remove all the other pain. She had been so selfish. So heartlessly selfish, I hated her for hurting Jacob. I hated my Father for wanting me dead so badly. I hated them all for keeping this from me. I hated myself for causing so much grief. And I hated Jake because he escaped all the anger. I felt bitter towards them all; Rose, Jasper, Esme even Emmett, but never Jake. When I thought of the others the anger was a relief, it was a vast improvement on the pain that thinking of him brought back. I'd ruined his life. Kept him prisoner. But I loved him, and I missed him and I needed him. But I wouldn't, I couldn't, I loved him too much to go back. Whatever the consequences and however much it hurt, I had set him free.

{--}

The light of a new day filled the room for a third time. My stomach now burned with hunger as well as the cramping agony I'd suffered through for the past three days. My body ached all over. I didn't want to live, but I knew that I didn't want to die.

Live your life Renesmee, forget your past and fight. I wanted to get up and go on, but it didn't feel physically possible. My life was a lie, my entire existence felt fraudulent.
Then start a new existence, start over Renesmee.
Hearing my own name, even in my head hurt. I hated my name now. Every single syllable of it was representative of someone else, building me an identity based purely on family. I scoffed at the word now, and rolled onto my back, feeling the aches on my body as it moved for the first time in days. Changing my name would be too dramatic, even for someone who'd just run away from home. I giggled, sure now that the three I knew still waited outside the room would think I'd lost my mind, I was half convinced I actually had myself. But my name took away my identity, Renesmee was not a person; she was just a daughter and a granddaughter; a possession.

"Rene-esmee Carl-ie." Charlie, my Grandpa. I felt a new wave of pain wash over me. Guilt for leaving him, when he could have had nothing to do with this. I clenched my eyes together, not prepared to spiral back down the black hole I'd just spent days dragging myself out of.

Shut yourself down. Turn everything off. The new you feels nothing, the new you is stronger. I was done being a weak, emotional little girl. I was done being trampled on, protected and deceived.

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen is dead." I breathed in deep after the words passed my lips, letting the thought settle. I let my mind shut down, blocking out all emotion. As I exhaled I threw myself off the bed and launched myself through the door.

{--}

I didn't open my eyes for a few seconds, and when I did I was met with three shocked, beautiful faces. Each of them were spread about the small living room, staring at me in wonder. Victor laughed and rose, walking towards me.

"And on this, the third day, you rise anew, all pain washed away." The way he spoke those words as he came towards me, his arms outstretched, I knew he was quoting somebody, or something. "Forgive me; it's just that those are the first words I heard after I spent three days going through a change, many, many years ago." Three days? My smile matched Victor's as the irony of the duration of my confinement sank in. Cora approached me cautiously after Victor released me from his stony embrace.

"Are you alright, Renesmee?" I breathed in sharply through my teeth, but no pain came from hearing that name. It had worked.

"I'm fine. And please, just call me Nessie. After all, I did come from monsters, right?" Victor laughed, and whispered to Francesca who just looked puzzled,

"Loch Ness." She just rolled her eyes before turning to Cora whose expression brought her a sinister smile. Cora looked shocked, pained even; she just stood gawping at me before forcing a faint smile. I thought back to the note I'd left in the woods, vowing to make good on my own words.

It will be as though Renesmee Carlie Cullen had never existed


Chapter 9: The Burning - Coming Soon. A New Nessie? How will that go down? I'm really excited for the next Chapter, I think it's my favourite so far. It's got a nice lil cliffy too.

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