Chapter 4: Decent into Hell Continued

There's a shadow just behind me

Shrouding every step I take

Making every promise empty

Pointing every finger at me

Waiting like the stalking butler

Whom upon the finger rests

Murder now the path called "must we"

Just because the Son has come

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle

Something but what's past and done?

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle

Something but what's past and done?

Why can't we not be sober?

I just want to start this over

Why can't we drink forever?

I just want to start this over

I am just a worthless liar

I am just an imbecile

I will only complicate you

Trust in me and fall as well

I will find a center in you

I will chew it up and leave

I will work to elevate you

Just enough to bring you down

-SOBER by Tool

As I walked to class in a fog, I couldn't help but think of Bella. She scares the shit out of me - not so much for being beautiful (cause I mean she is), but the fact that she sees things about me she shouldn't. As I suck my lip ring into my mouth and run my hands through my hair, I realize that if I am honest I don't even think it is the fact she sees my demons and what I do to keep them locked away as she actually calls me on my shit. I open the door to my Calc class and head to my seat. I am over 15 minutes late, and Fr. Hamill glares at me from his place in front of the class but seems to let it go. He knows I can do this shit in my sleep. Hell, I think I have even taken a calc test in my sleep before. I sit and stare out the huge windows that encase the classroom on both sides. I stare out the soccer field which is wet from the sprinklers and let my mind drift and continue to unravel the mysterious mind of one Isabella Swan while at the same time listening to the demon voices in my head taunt me with their never ending diatribe of memories of my past, reminders of my lack of a stable and suitable future, and a promise to my 10 year old self.

The rest of the morning passes in a blur for me. I can't even remember my classes as I finally make it to lunch still encased in my own self contained bubble. I have been running my hands through my hair all morning and my lip is sore from the constant tugging on my lip ring and I feel the twitch in my system and the voices getting louder. I pull on my hair knowing I have to meet Alice and Jazz for lunch, but not sure if I will be able to make it through. As I approach the table, Lauren and Jessica slither up to my sides and each plant a kiss on my cheek. I turn to each of them and give my best crooked smile.

"Edward, we were wondering if you would like to eat us, I mean eat with us for lunch?" Lauren rasps.

"Ladies, as much as I enjoyed our morning activities I must decline the offer at this moment. I have some things to take care of," I say lowly making sure to look them both in the eye and letting them know that I will still need their services later.

"Okay Eddie. Let us know if you need us," Jessica almost purrs as they both turn to walk off. I shake my head staring again at their asses. I mean they may be sluts, but at least they can back that shit up.

Jazz looks up at me and grins, unable to hide the amusement in his eyes, "You wrap that shit this time or does Alice need to bring over the Q-tip after school today?"

"Fuck you, Jazz" I growl mockingly. "While I appreciate Alice's concern for my dick and its health status, shouldn't she be more worried about how yours can operate..."

"Touché my brother. However, since I don't stick my dick in every glorified glory hole I see she has no reason to worry. You on the other hand make porn stars a little queasy. I am not judging, just saying." Jazz laughs and holds up his hands in mock surrender.

"Yea, yea. Whatever you say my man. You know you are just jealous. You want some of this," I say as I turn and grab my ass.

Jazz's laughter is loud and honest and I am silently grateful that he knows how to pull me out of my cloud of gray. I grab the chair across from him and just as I sit my ass down, I smell Bella coming up behind me. How the fuck did I know that was her smell? I look and sure as shit she is right behind me leaning down to kiss my cheek like the conversation this morning never happened and she knows nothing about my fucking two women in the bathroom before class.

"Afternoon, sugar." Bella drawls and I feel her lips gently touch the side of my cheek. I breathe in her scent - a little like jasmine, a little like sandalwood. Not bad. I smile at her and tilt my head in acknowledgement of her greeting and her ability to keep shit to herself. She winks and sits down beside me and without even looking over at me while she starts to talk to Jazz hands me half of her sandwich. I take it and make no attempt to eat it. The shit I ingest up my nose and into my veins takes away my appetite. I know if I eat it will help with the nausea from the coming down, but I don't plan to really come down for a few more days. I think to myself as I look at the sandwich mentally figuring that I can stay awake for about 3 days on the shit I have and that will take me to Thursday. If I grab some more on Thursday, then I can keep going until early Saturday morning and then crash and burn for two days straight before school again on Monday. If I do that then I should be so exhausted that the demons will be comatose on the over indulgence of crank and my sleep will be filled with black nothingness; although it could led to a coma...oh decisions, decisions.

I feel breathe near my ear and jerk my eyes to look at my left side as I hear a soft voice say, "Eat. Just a few bites."

I look over at Bella and she looks at me. Those brown eyes stare into my green ones and I see what she thinks she understands. Hell maybe she does understand to some extent, but she doesn't know not really.

"I'm not hungry," I grumble.

"Okay, whatever works sugar." she states, gently patting my hand that is twitching on my thigh, and goes back to her conversation with Alice.

I get up from the table, nod at Jasper, give Alice a wink, and incline my head towards Bella. "Laters. I will talk to you guys after school."

I make my way to the secluded bathroom off of the back of the gym. This is my favorite place to satisfy the demons. It is dark and no one ever comes down here. I open my backpack and pull out my stash. The white almost glows in the darkness. As I pour some out onto the counter, I smile. It looks so innocent like snow, fresh snow, before all the tires from the cars making it into black disgusting mix of slush. I pull out my razor, thin out the powder, and create four equal lines. I grab the straw out of my backpack and lean down; pushing against my right nostril with the straw in my left I inhale deeply. I do the rest of the lines and tilt my head back. I shake my head a little at the drainage down the back of my throat. I open my eyes and look in the mirror. I still look like shit - that never seems to change- but my tremors have subsided. God, I am such a fucking addict. Of course you are just like mommy and daddy, you can run but you can't ride. The demons are enjoying themselves. I have rarely thought this much about where I am and why since I was 15 and enjoyed my first real high. I sit on the floor and close my eyes. WTF is going on with me? I realize sitting there that all this shit is because of one brown haired beautiful girl that has somehow wiggled into my life and that of my friends. I want to hate her, but there is something about her. She sees me; at least I think she does. But then again she seems to see everyone - at least from what I saw at Metro last night. She takes care of all of them. I must just be another lost little dog to her that she can bandage and fix. Fuck her! I am not some sad little lost puppy. I know who the fuck I am and I am content to live in my own personal hell and heaven. I am Edward Fucking Cullen - girls want to fuck me, boys want to be like me, and I don't give a flying fuck about Miss Bella. The demons laugh out loud at this train of thought and shake their heads at me - yea, they know me better than I know myself sometimes.

I stand up, grab my shit and head on to Latin class. As I walk in the door, I am assailed by the site of Bella in the class sitting next to my desk. Fuck, I forgot she was in this class now. I slide into my seat as Ms. Hipsher looks up from her notes. Class is boring with us translating The Aeneid for our AP test coming up. I can't concentrate with Bella so close. Every part of me wants to yell at her to leave me the fuck alone, yet there is this one small part of my mind being beaten with a whip by the demons to shut up that says she might be able to save me - that I need her. I am so agitated that my leg is bouncing a mile a minute and my hair is standing on end from me running my hands through it. My lips are chapped from licking them constantly and pulling my lip ring into my mouth. All of this not helped at all by the four lines of heaven I ingested not 20 minutes ago.

I suddenly feel a warm hand on my thigh. I look down and Bella has placed her hand on my thigh. She turns it palm up and inside is a tube of chapstick. I say nothing, take the chapstick and apply it, placing it back in her palm. She closes her hand and then places the chapstick back in her backpack. She doesn't look at me or even really acknowledge me which I am thankful for, otherwise I think I might shake the ever lovin' shit out of her.

The bell rings and I grab my stuff and head to my next class. The rest of the day goes by in a drug induced blur. I answer questions posed to me, take a test, and perform enough not to raise much suspicion. As the last bell rings, I rush to my locker, grab what I need for tonight, and haul ass down the hallway, through the cafeteria, down the stairs, and I am almost past the gym when Coach McBride steps out and grabs my arm. I pull to a stop and look up at him.

"Edward," he says, "don't forget soccer practice starts next week. You are still playing right?"

"Yea, I am playing." I almost growl. I need to get out of here. I need to go smoke, go home, and think. In that order, not bullshit with my soccer coach.

"Okay, practice starts 7am on Monday. Be there on time." he states and as he starts to walk away he stops and turns to me. "Oh, and Edward, be sober. At least for practice."

I stare after him dumbfounded. I never thought he knew. Guess I am not as slick as I think I am - fuck me running. I shake my head and walk towards the doors. I hit the ramp and pull out my cigs and light one quickly. As the smoke hits my lungs, I feel like I can finally breathe. I see Lauren and Jessica coming up to me. I smile my crooked grin and wink at them both. They giggle.

"Ladies, how was your day?" I say.

"Oh, fine. We were wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight." Lauren asks.

"Not tonight ladies, but maybe tomorrow. I have shit to do.", I say, smiling and looking at them through my lashes. Yea, eat that shit up ladies.

"Okay," they state in unison and head to Lauren's car.

Just as they walk away, Bella, Alice, and Jazz come through the doors. Alice launches herself at me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"Jesus Alice! I just saw you at lunch, "I laugh.

"I know, but I missed you. You are my Edward and I need Edward loving every day or my life is not complete," Alice states.

All of us look at her and start laughing our asses off. She looks around clueless and then the light bulb goes off.

"Oh, fuck. That is soooo NOT what I meant," Alice sputters.

"I know Alice. Jazz doesn't share. But don't worry I need pixie love too." I manage to spit out between laughs.

Alice climbs down from around my waist and walks over to Jazz.

"So, any plans for tonight?" I ask

"Alice and I are going to hang at my house and then go to Bella's grandmothers for dinner." Jazz says

"You are invited as well, dark angel," Bella says quietly. She seems to know that I am uneasy around her right now.

"Umm, maybe. What time?" I ask, looking at her deep brown eyes.

"Everyone is meeting at her place around 7 to hang out and eat. So whenever you want to show up is fine. I can give you my cell and you can call me for directions if you want to come," she muses.

"Sure, that would work," I say as I pull out my blackberry. I hand it to her so she can enter in her number and she looks at me with this funny expression on her face.

"What?" I ask.

"Umm, I am a little blackberry challenged. They always seem to do weird stuff when I try and use one. It might be safer if you just enter my number yourself," she states with a little laugh and a blush creeps up her cheeks.

I laugh and take back my phone. "Don't want you damaging my lifeline. Okay, what are the digits?" I smirk.

Bella gives me her number and we stand around smoking and waiting for the parking lot to clear out. Suddenly a black hearse pulls up to the end of the ramp.

Alice starts jumping up and down while Jazz tries to hold onto her shoulders to keep her in place. "Is that Crispy?" Alice asks

"Yep," Bella says. "Come on, I will introduce you."

I look at Jazz and say, "Hearse? Really? Does this guy think he is the grim reaper or what?"

Jazz just laughs and says," Apparently, he has had it for awhile. Bella was telling us about him last night. He is sort of the father figure/protector of the group of misfits that call themselves family."

Just as they start down the ramp, a short man steps out of the driver's side and walks around the front of the hearse. He is dressed in a top hat, black jacket, blood red button down shirt, black dress slacks, and combat boots. That in itself is enough to make me look twice, but what really catches my eye is that in his right hand he has a can with a skull on it.

"Hello my little hippy," Crispy states, laughing as Bella jumps to give him a hug. This bothers me and suddenly I don't like the fact that she is hugging on someone like that. I mean really how many people is she fucking? And people think I am a manwhore? I start to wonder what is up with all of these people she hangs out with.

"Hello, Crispy. Thanks for picking me up," Bella states while giving him a kiss on his chubby cheek. "Oh, Crispy, this is Alice. She is one of my new friends here. She is amazing and she designs clothes. I think you and her will get along famously." she gushes.

Alice steps up to Crispy, bouncing on the souls of her feet. "I love your outfit, but a velvet jacket would have been a better choice." she states firmly as she sticks out her hand for him to shake. He takes her hand and kisses her knuckles, then gently pulls her into a hug.

"The pleasure is mine, dear little pixie." he says through a smile and light laugh.

Jazz moves down the ramp to meet this guy, and because I am a glutton for punishment I follow.

"Crispy, this is Jazz, Alice boyfriend, and Edward." Bella looks at us as she says the introductions.

Crispy and Jazz shake hands and then Crispy turns to me. "Edward, huh? You must be the one she has coined Dark Angel." he says almost growling. He stares at me intently for what seems like minutes, and then shakes my hand.

"Yea, nice to meet you." I say holding his gaze.

"Okay, I gotta run. If I decide to come tonight I will call you Bella. Laters, guys." I say as I turn to walk away anxious to remove myself from this man and his intent gaze.

As I get in my car, I see Alice and Jazz walking away and Bella climbs into the front seat of the hearse and Crispy drives off. I head off for my house for some serious alone time.

As soon as I get home I notice that Esme is gone and the house is quiet. Thank god! I need the silence right now. I head up to my room, flip on the bedside lamp, and slip my IPod into the deck. Skinny Puppy blares out of the speakers around the room and I lay back on my bed. I must have dozed off because I am suddenly opening my eyes to find a pixie jumping on my bed telling me to get my ass up.

"What the fuck Alice!" I yell rubbing sleep out of my eyes, trying to get them to focus.

"Get up and get ready. You are going to dinner at Bella's grandma's" she states in that voice I know means DO NOT ARGUE - YOU WILL NOT WIN.

"Fine. Who all is going to be there anyway?" I grumble.

"Umm, not sure. She said a few of the family of misfits, Crispy, and I think that is it besides us," Alice rattles off as she quirks her head to the side.

Alice jumps off my bed, as I sit up and stretch. She is pulling clothes out of drawers and throwing them at me. "Wear these" she says as I look at the jeans and green t-shirt lying in my lap.

I start to the bathroom to get dressed when Jazz stops me. In a low voice full of strength he says, "Don't get high Edward. Try to at least stay sober for a little while tonight."

I glare at him, honey gold vs. green, and slam the door shut. After I was dressed, Alice, Jazz and I head to Bella's grandma's house. As we pull into the driveway, I notice the hearse and some other cars all parked already. My nerves start to set in and I am extremely tempted to bail.

Alice looks over at me and holds my gaze, "DO NOT even think it my dear Edward." she calmly states with a hard edge to her voice. " I told you she was going to be part of our lives. Let it go. You know better than to fight me on this shit."

I roll my eyes at her, turn off the car, and get out. We walk up to the door and a shorter older woman with a warming smile, salt and pepper gray hair, and kind hazel eyes opens the door and waves us in.

"You all must be Alice, Jazz, and Edward," she says enveloping each of us in a hug. "I am Bella's grandma, Betty. Just call me Grandma. Everyone else does. Mi Casa, es su Casa."

"Nice to meet you" we all state in unison and then she starts laughing. "I see you all trained for that." she says and then turns gently to head to the kitchen.

I instantly like this woman. She is warm, friendly, and seemingly non judgmental. Yea because she doesn't know you, my demons so gallantly state. I watch her cook for a few minutes more, sigh to myself and continue into the house. As soon as I enter the living room, I stop in my tracks. Everyone is looking at me as Bella shyly raises her eyes to meet mine with a smile.

Suddenly I fell like I am some freak on display and everyone is judging me. I turn around quickly and head out the door, pulling a cig out of my pocket and lighting it quickly. I hear the screen door open and close. I turn around to see Bella's grandma standing there smoking looking at me with kind eyes.

"She likes you. You are her lightening, just like she is yours. You should trust her with your demons she just might be your salvation." she says not really even looking at me. She isn't expecting a response , I can tell by her her tone. She is just imparting some wisdom she thinks I should know without any judgement on how I use it.

My brain suddenly seems to misfire and I stare at her in disbelief. How the hell does she know this about me? And more importantly what the fuck does she mean that I am Bella's lightening? Next thing I know, she pats my shoulder gently and walks inside. I am left outside to finish my cig and figure out how the fuck to get out of here without causing a scene.