"Control your emotion or it will control you"
Unknown
Chapter Ten: To Exist is Not always to Live
She was gagging as the blood drained from her, but I couldn't hear her.
She writhed beneath my steadfast grip, but I didn't feel her.
And the voices in my head that screeched at me to stop, went disobeyed.
{--}
Looking down on the lifeless body in my arms I felt sick.
My breathing was hollow and quick, and my eyes were wide in shock.
I knelt on the muddy woodland floor, waiting to wake up, waiting for this all to be a horrible dream.
But if I were to wake up, what would it be to?
Would it be like the time I'd had a nightmare whilst staying with Sue and Charlie? When my childish squeal as I was thrown into consciousness awoke Sue, who carried me downstairs and made me hot milk, rocking me until the terror went away.
Or would it be like all the nightmares I'd had after we left Forks? The painful, desperate ones that echoed the internal torture of my separation from Jacob. Would Esme, Rose or even my Mother be there to soothe be back into slumber?
I wondered if it would be Cora. If she'd come and take care of me. After what I'd learned today I was sure a nightmare would demonstrate to her that I still felt, that I still suffered.
Everything was silent and still, but I knew this was no dream.
{--}
Painful twinges began coursing through me, reigniting an all too familiar agony. I clenched my eyelids shut as I felt tears rising upwards, forcing the feelings and the memories to go away. I could not think of them, or how disappointed they would be with me for what I had just done. I blocked the very thought, and focused on suppressing the voices in my head. The night-time silence was broken only by my uneasy breathing, the rustling of the trees, and above me, a clapping. Francesca's hands smacked slowly together as her gleaming eyes bore down into mine.
"Well done! For your first human snack, that was impressive. So heartless, so unhesitant, the perfect predator."
Suddenly the pain and guilt stopped picking up momentum and all I could feel was anger. My body flexed into an aggressive stance and low hiss escaped my clenched teeth. She had done this, this was her fault. Francesca's posture remained upright, though all the satisfaction disappeared from her face as it dropped into a threatening glare.
"Don't you hiss at me, little girl."
"This is your fault." My head ushered quickly to the body still lying at my feet.
"I think not, Nessie. You are weak; you think you have never killed before because of your diet, or your strong restraint. I think it's because you've spent your whole life caged up, protected. Now you're free in this big bad world, you've shown yourself for what you really are," She leaned in closer, coming to whisper just beside my ear " a murderer."
I had her shoulders in my iron grip as I rammed her body into the thick trunk of a nearby tree. I felt dizzy with the speed I had moved her, I had never felt so in touch with every muscle, every limb. It felt like the power of a hundred of my former selves was now at my disposal. As the tree groaned from the force of the impact, my breathing began to seethe. Francesca's expression fell blank.
"It would be wise to stop now. Killing you would spoil things, but I would have no problem with administering the type of pain you could never have even dreamt of in your sheltered little life." I leaned in closer to her, snarling inches from her face. Francesca's eyes rolled before her lips drew back over her teeth and she raised her hands, throwing my body away from hers. I landed just a few feet away, but when I looked up she was gone. Completely vanished, with no scent to follow. I scoffed at her departure, before my attention drew to what she had left me with, the two bodies, one of which lay lifeless and empty because of me. The liquid that had once fuelled her existence now ran through me, setting my body on a fiery high.
A frightening twinge came from deep inside me as I surveyed them, sending me fleeing back to the cottage. My legs caught me by surprise; they had never moved so fast before. I pushed them; my head spinning with the ecstasy of the speed I was moving, and a blissful cool still replaced the fire in my throat. I was at the cottage in seconds and just stood, shaking in the doorway of my bedroom. My entire body was abuzz. I seated myself slowly on the edge of the bed, attempting to come to terms with the sensations running through me.
I clenched my teeth and shut my eyes, begging my thoughts to stay silent. I thought of Francesca's words. Never before had I struggled to resist, no human had ever really tempted me. I'd barely even thought about it. But had I ever really had the chance? Two years ago at school, I watched as Richard Sullivan climbed a tree in order to retrieve a soccer ball he and his friends had been playing with. From what I heard the next day, there was a bone clearly visible protruding through the flesh of his leg after he fell. I never saw of course, my Dad had arrived too fast after seeing something in Alice's head and carried me away. That was the closest I ever got to real temptation, well before tonight at least.
{--}
"How could you be so irresponsible?" The violent screech sent shudders through my newly highly-tuned body. Cora's voice grew closer as she sped through the woods towards me, at first I though it was me she was addressing, but then Francesca replied in her calm tone, so often used in malice.
"Her diet is not my responsibility; nothing of hers is my responsibility."
"What was she even doing out here? Nessie has never once drank a human's blood. Do you honestly expect me to believe she went after them for no reason, that you couldn't have stopped her?"
"I don't care what you think, Cora. I only know she liked it, very much." Cora's roar was terrifying as the door slammed; it resembled a lioness furiously protecting one of her cubs.
I listened as she approached the bedroom door slowly, before knocking gently.
"Ness, can I come in?" I couldn't help but smile. Never before had I had privacy, and never before had anybody ever asked permission before entering my bedroom.
"Yeah." She poked her head in slowly as the door creaked open, and looked very uneasy as she whispered,
"Are you okay?" I didn't know what to say, I didn't even know the answer. I wasn't good, I wasn't bad, I felt … numb. My mouth moved, searching for words but none came and Cora slipped through the door and closed it gently behind her. "What happened? Ness, how could you do such a thing, that's not who you are." The numbness faded away again. Just as it had in the woods, anger washed over me as Cora's look of disgust filled me with rage.
"Well aren't we the little hypocrite!" Cora's expression fell to shock at my hostile tone. "How many people have you fed on Cora? How many people have died so that you would not go hungry? You've only lived off animals for a couple of months, now I take one measly woman and you have the nerve to condemn me for it!" Cora leapt forward, pressing my shoulders down onto the bed with her hands. Before she could open her mouth to speak I'd shot back up and pushed her away, launching her body to the other side of the room where she hit the wall with a deep rumble, the brickwork crumbling around her.
My mouth dropped open in a gasp. As she picked herself up, the anger was gone; fear seemed to lie in its place.
"I'm sorry Cora, I guess I don't know my strength now." She just stood, wrapping her arms around herself, staring at me.
"I'm nothing like you!" The way she said those words scared me. She spoke them like Francesca; angry, cold and indifferent. "You don't know what it was like for me. Every life I took, I mourned. I still mourn. Each one of their faces is scorched into my memory and they will never, ever go away. I deserve no less. I took life, to continue my own existence, which is a selfish, unforgivable crime, but I pay. Everyday I pay, as the thoughts of those I have murdered follow me everywhere I go, in everything I do. And you, you have the nerve to refer to that woman, that woman you just killed as "measly"! I find that sickening Nessie, and it breaks my heart that you have just confirmed what has been so terrifying me since you came out of that bedroom after those three days. You've just shown me that you don't care, not about me, or that woman or even the people who raised you not to do what you just did!" I clamped my eyes shut again, praying for the numbness to return as pangs of guilt started battering down the wall I'd erected around my conscience.
I couldn't me a murderer, I couldn't.
"It wasn't my fault. It was Francesca she.."
"Stop it, Ness. This isn't a little game. A woman is dead because of you." The frustration won as I rammed my palm against Cora's forehead, causing her body to stagger backwards. I showed her everything, from the second I left the cottage to when I returned, and all that occurred in-between.
When I pulled away I felt my face crumpled in a furious scowl, Cora's similar expression relaxed slightly as the vision settled into her conscious.
"You see now, you see what she did?" Cora nodded slowly, and I stood with my arms crossed, awaiting my apology.
"Did you even try to resist?" Her words were barely a whisper but they hit me like a freight train. She was still blaming me? "You didn't did you, not at all." Her head shook a little, revulsion clouding her eyes. I had tried, hadn't I?
"I- I couldn't- it, you don't understand!" I hated that I stuttered, but my thoughts were still too frantic to be properly forming sentences right now. Cora scoffed,
"Tell me what I don't understand. So the man, the first scent was a draw to you, but he was already gone when you got there, why didn't you just fight it?" That first scent hadn't been a draw; it'd been a compulsion, the most blissful temptation anybody could ever experience. But Cora was right, I'd got there too late, and that woman, could I have resisted?
"You saw what she did; she ripped her throat open right before me."
"And that's who she is Ness. It's what she does, she kills people. Is that what you are now? So not only are you dead inside but you're a murder too?"
Dead on the inside? Was that what she though I was? I ran through the thoughts in my head, it seemed that all that was left at my disposal was anger and numbness. Perhaps she was right. I averted my eyes from Cora's sorrowful glance. She shook her head slowly and took a deep breath, pushing her hair from her face.
"When I first met you, I felt so protective of you. I couldn't help it. Whether it was your beauty, your innocence, or the sympathy of knowing what I was about to expose you to, I just wanted to take care of you. My heart tore itself to pieces as I watched yours do the same over what you learned that day, and I swore I would do whatever it took to keep you safe, to one day bring you peace again." She exhaled slowly, her expression and tone injured, "You were supposed to be my penance. Some part of me thought that if I helped you, if I protected one life other than my own, it would be some small absolution for all the terrible things I have done in my time. But I have failed, I didn't save you."
"You did." My voice was no longer strong and powerful, but broken. I shook my head slowly, I would not be weak. "You took me away from them, you saved me and you saved them too. You saved them from me." Those words appeared to sting Cora, though I wasn't sure why. "I could no longer be that weak, pathetic little girl, the one who always needed protecting, and ruined so many lives. I started a new life."
"This is not a life. A life without feeling, without emotion is just an existence. Is that what you want? To merely exist in this beautiful world?" I'm not sure what world Cora was referring to, but it definitely wasn't the one I was living in. .
" Maybe you're right, maybe this is who you need to be." She tried to smile, but it turned quickly to a grimace which matched the intense sadness in her eyes. "Francesca's the same." I was shocked by the way she spoke her name then. To me their relationship had always been pretty rocky, downright hostile at times. But as she spoke of her now it was with a reflective compassion. "She shut herself down a long time ago, and now she … well she's …."
"A bitch?" Cora's responding smile sent a stab of relief through me , but it wasn't as sincere as usual. Her face was so sad, and her sorrowful eyes drifted from mine to the door as she spoke of Francesca, in a tone too kind for my liking.
"She has her moments, yes." Cora's expression darkened and her fists clenched. "Like tonight. Ness that … that was unforgivable what she did, she should not have tempted you. But you must remember that you're not a child now, you've chosen freedom and independence, so you must take responsibility for your own actions."
{--}
My body was shaking, and the human blood I had just consumed made it feel so alien. It wasn't like my body was just quaking a little; it was like the entire planet was pulsating into me. Cora just watched me now, her arms still wrapped around herself. I wanted to cry, I knew she would never leave me to cry without comfort. But no tears came, perhaps she had been right. Maybe being dead on the inside was not such a good thing.
"What do you want me to do?" Cora ran the fingers of one hand through her hair before bringing them to rest over her lips. She stared away from me and shrugged.
"I don't know Ness. I thought you'd get better. I kept telling myself you just needed time, that you'd adjust and come back." Her breath caught and she threw her head back slightly, composing herself "Perhaps I'm being too hard on you." Those words should have assured me, but Cora's voice was faint, broken and distraught. "Maybe this is what you are. I mean, you're half vampire of course this is what you are, and we all make mistakes. But I just, I can't accept your indifference to everything anymore. It breaks my heart."
"So you can accept Francesca's cruelty but not my little mistake. You can't accept that I can't bare to feel all that pain?"
"No I can't. Francesca feels. She's loves Victor so intensely I could never even begin to understand it, and she saved me. But you… there's only anger left." I wanted to ask what she meant about Francesca saving her, but I was in shock. She really thought Francesca was better than me?
{--}
Cora moved towards the door but I lunged, seizing her wrist in my hand.
"Cora no, please don't go. Don't give up on me." She didn't turn to look at me she just shook herself free from my grip and spoke quietly before opening the door.
"You need to sleep, and I need to think."
"Think about what? You're not going to leave me are you?" My body was still shaking with the desperation that was so clear in my voice.
"I don't know Ness, I don't know." A shot of light flowed through the door when she opened it, and then she was gone, leaving me in the darkness.
{--}
I didn't wake up, I hadn't even been dreaming.
I was alone in the darkness; I was alone in the world.
I couldn't have Cora hate me, she was all I had. But I couldn't be pathetic, helpless Renesmee Cullen, the piece of property, the destroyer of lives.
I dropped myself down on the bed. If I couldn't be her, then what could I be, who was I?
The answer made my insides wrench, and the first tears in months flowed from my eyes.
I was a murderer.
I know some of you REALLY didn't like what Nessie did. So I hope you felt Cora gave Nessie what she deserved in this Chapter, and I hope you kinda got my explanations of why she lost control.
This chapter was re-written like a gazillion times so, in my frustration I got a lot of work done on the next one, so for a preview of:
Chapter Eleven: A Different Kind of Burning.
You're gonna have to review. Like this Chapter? Hate It? Wish Nessie would tear Francesca apart?
Let me know.
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