A/N: I apologize for the extreme lateness of this chapter. It will not happen again. RL has been kicking my butt between work and some family issues. For those that don't know, my mother has early onset Alzheimer's and has for the last 10 years. I have been her caregiver. She is now in her final stages and things have been rough with her at the nursing home since I can no longer care for her. So, needless to say I am sorry for the delay, but as this story follows some real life things it was hard to write recently. On a happier note, fear not. DarkAngelward and Bella will be getting together soon…and I promise the lemon will be well worth it. This chapter has now been lovingly looked at by Ardanwen78.
Chapter 7: WTF?
Oh, passions there for those who want to
Pay the price of loving you in more ways than one
Wrapped around your finger but I think my time has come
But I never can be too sure, 'cause I like to have a little fun
Oh, what fun it would be to blow my mind and fall into the sun
– Sublime New Realizations
We pull up to Bella's house around 9pm and there are already cars filling up the yard and the driveway. Chicken is sitting on the back porch, bottle of whiskey in hand, waving us into a spot by the front door. I laugh as he uses the bottle and a glass to direct us into place like a man guiding an airplane into the hull. Once my car is in park, he slides across the hood and pulls Alice from the backseat.
"My dear Pixie, I have missed you." he leans in giving her a hug and a kiss careful to keep the whiskey bottle from dripping any of its precious liquid.
"A pleasure as always my sweet dear prince." Alice giggles, patting him affectionately on the cheek.
I look over at Jazz as he rolls his eyes and laughs pulling his arm around Alice's waist and leaning into her ear, "Sugar, please leave my other lover alone. I don't like to share him."
With mock hurt upon my face, I turn to Chicken, " How dare you take Jazz away from me. He is mine. I just...I thought we were friends, man. How could you?" I stutter, looking up at Chicken and over to Jazz with my best puppy dog eyes.
Jazz walks over to me, grabs the back of my neck, and pulls me into his face placing a gentle kiss on my lips and then looks up, "You will always be my first love, Edward."
I smirk and we all turn to walk towards the house with Chicken handing me the whiskey bottle as we enter the back door. "Time for catch up man. We have a long night and many games to play. I expect your ass as drunk as mine by morning." he nods at me, his spikes not even moving and then turns to head to the extra room.
I tip the bottle to my lips and as the whiskey burns down my throat, I shiver and pass the bottle over to Jazz. Just as I am putting the bottle into Jazz's grip, I am assailed by Bella jumping into my arms.
"Hello, my dear Dark Angel." she says and lays a kiss on my cheek.
I wrap my arms around her and smile. "Well, hello my dear drunk Bella. Did you start early?" I laugh.
She giggles and jumps out of my hold, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the living room. "Hurry up. For one, you need to catch up and for two, I want you to meet some of my other friends."
I follow behind her, grabbing Alice as I am pulled along. As we enter into the living room, Bella trips over her own feet and I instantly grab her around the waist. "Careful Miss Graceful. No ER visits tonight. My dad isn't working."
She blushes and then plops down next to the largest man I think I have ever seen. I look over at Alice and Jazz and their eyes are as wide as mine as we take in the man who could play center for the Green Bay Packers. Bella looks up and smiles as she pats the jolly green giant on the arm and points behind him. He swivels his neck and I am expecting a mean ass looking motherfucker, but I am startled speechless when a face that looks like it belongs to an innocent two year old smiles up at me.
"Hey Edward. I am Emmett and that hot bod of a blond sitting on the couch over there is my girl, Rosalie.", he states with a laugh as he unfolds his frame from the floor and stands in front of me.
"Hey, nice to meet you. This is Alice and Jazz." I look up at him unsure if I should bow or just be grateful he seems to like me as his hands and huge arms reach around me and pull me into a hug.
"Umm, Emmett, can't breathe!" I barely get out. He immediately lets me go, laughing and turns to Alice.
"You are the pixie from what I have heard. Good or Evil? Combo of both? " he almost giggles as she bounces up and down and then decides to throw herself into his arms. He immediately grabs her and spins her around.
"Combination. I try to use my powers only for good, but sometimes evil is just too much fun." Alice giggles as he places her back on the ground.
I walk over to Bella and she grabs my hand pulling me down and I laugh as I watch Jazz's eyes nearly bulge out of his head from the force of the hug that Emmett gives him. I turn to Bella and she places a shot in my hand. I look into the glass and then at her.
"Tequila? My dear sweet Bella, how many of these have you had?" I grin at her.
She furrows her brow and seems to be thinking really hard about the answer and Alice and Jazz start busting up laughing as they plop onto the floor next to me.
"If you have to think that hard sugar, then you have had a few." Jasper drawls while chuckling.
Bella looks at him and smiles. Shrugging she places the bottle of Patron on the table and yells, "Hey everybody. Time to play I Never. Get your asses into the living room now or I start dumping peoples drugs down the toilet and hiding the condoms."
Suddenly it sounds like a horse stampede is coming through the house as the floor starts vibrating and the sounds of heavy footsteps are hauling ass into the living room. Chicken decides to give up on walking and just dives across the floor landing with his head in between Bella and I's knees. He innocently looks up at me and then Bella - smiles and slaps the ground in front of him waiting expectantly for his shot glass.
Emmett starts passing around shot glasses and then regular glasses as I look around at who all is actually here since I was commandeered before I had the chance to say hi to anyone. I see Rose, Emmett's girl sitting on the couch; Crispy is sitting in the red velvet chair in the corner with his hand on the top of his cane waiting patiently, looking all the more like a king surveying his kingdom; Elvis and his extremely scrawny ass is sitting next to Rose; some girls I don't really know are sitting on the floor in front of the couch; a guy named Ben is sitting across from Bella; and then there is our crew. Alice is starting to vibrate she is so excited and I realize as I look at Jazz with trepidation in my eyes that this game is going to possibly be my downfall - Alice know shit about me that can be used to her advantage in this game. Jazz smirks and just tilts his head as he takes a swig out of the whiskey bottle and I have the stark realization that I am going to be drunk as a motherfucker by the end of this game - not from sneaking in extra sips of Patron or whiskey, but just because of the game.
"Okay everyone, you know the rules. We go in a circle starting with Emmett. If you have done it you drink - if you haven't you are safe. The questions start out easy for one round and then all is fair in love and war. No grudges are to be brought out and try not to embarrass someone on purpose. No fighting either. You fight I beat the hell out of you with Crispy's cane or one of the whips. Got it? " Bella states with a seriousness that is betrayed by her smile and the giggle at the end.
Emmett stretches his neck side to side, stretches, and then grins wickedly. "All right ladies and gents let's get started. I never masturbate."
Everyone laughs and everyone drinks - no second guessing or embarrassment. Just who they are and the knowledge they are totally accepted into this group. I smile inwardly at this and realize that I feel that way too.
"I never had sex in a car." Bella states.
I lift my glass and swiftly swallow the Patron letting it glide down my throat. I see Chicken, Bella, Emmett, Rose, Alice, Jazz, Crispy, and a few others drink as well. All of a sudden it hits me when I look at Alice. "Wait just a minute my fine pixie of a best friend. You don't own a car and I drive everywhere. Did you and Jazz have sex in my car?" I ask almost dreading the answer.
Alice winks and says, "Why yes my dear sex haired best friend. We did and we still do. Remember, I have an extra set of your car keys."
"Ahh, shit, Alice. Please at least tell me you clean the seats when you are done." I shudder as I imagine what has happened in my poor car that didn't involve me and my own cock.
"Umm, sometimes." Alice giggles.
"What!" I shout.
"Just kidding, my OCD best friend. I always clean up. Can't have you having a heart attack if things aren't in place and clean. I would kinda miss you and then whose car would I use. " Alice states in her no nonsense voice.
I shake my head and as Chicken recovers from his laughing fit, he starts the game again. "I never have had sex in the IKON bathrooms."
Several shots are downed and Chicken mumbles to himself that he should probably drink the entire bottle for that one. I laugh under my breath and nudge his shoulder with my knee.
" I never had sex in my parent's room." I state simply as I down my own shot. I notice only three others drink including Emmett and Rose. I shake my head to myself and wonder why this strange right of passage has been overlooked by the individuals in this room.
" I never had sex in school." Alice states a twinkle in her eye.
I groan and take a shot just as Bella hands me two more and says, " I think you should drink a couple of times to that. It seems a favorite past time of yours."
I roll my eyes, and try to hide the grimace that has suddenly appeared on my face. I never thought my sexual exploits would cause me to feel so unworthy of someone. The demons sit up and shuffle to the edge of their chairs. Quit bitching pretty boy. You love shoving your cock in those girls. Bella is too good for you and you know it. Wait until she finds out why you hate your nickname. She won't want to touch you. Alice and Jazz won't even want to be your friends. You will end up like your mother and father. I take a quick breath and down the shots put in front of me.
The game continues on for about an hour and I must admit I am sufficiently drunk - not almost there, but over the fence and completely there. Sometime during the game, Bella has put her head on my shoulder, carefully avoiding Chicken's liberty spikes. I gently shrug my shoulder and look down into her face. "Hey beautiful, I need to get up. I need a cig and want to step outside for a bit."
She nods and moves her head and joins in the conversation Emmett is having with Ben about a new band in town. Chicken looks up and eyes the door. I nod and he pulls himself off the floor to follow me outside. My mind is reeling not only from being drunk, but from the ever increasing hum of the demons' voices in my head. They know that soon I will pass the point of no return and either have to shoot up or cut in order to stay awake and avoid the nightmares. I want to just pass out, but that isn't an option - not at Bella's house with this many people around.
Chicken and I make it out the back door and sit on the steps. We each light a cig and enjoy the quiet. Neither one of us talks, but somehow we both know where are minds have traveled.
Finally, as I pull the last drag of my cig into my lungs, Chicken speaks.
"You sleeping tonight?" he quietly asks avoiding eye contact.
"Not if I can help it. Can't afford to." I say looking at the sky and wishing for a good nights sleep, free of my demons and memories.
"In about an hour meet me in the bathroom. I have plenty to share and we can stay awake together. I don't sleep around others either if I can help it. Nightmares. " he shudders, stands, flicks his cig butt into the yard and re-enters the house.
I turn to watch him walk away and realize that he and I are not that different. I shake my head and for the first time truly fear for someone. If his demons are like mine, he knows in the back of his mind that he probably won't make it through his teens alive. I continue to sit and think, lost in the banter within my own head. Suddenly a hand is playing with my hair, I jump and twist around fist curled back to hit whoever is touching me. I stop myself mid punch as I see Bella's eyes widen. She stands stock still and waits - I don't even notice her breathing. I take a breath and run my hands through my hair.
"I am so sorry Bella. I should have warned you that I don't take it well when people come up on me from behind; especially if they are touching me." I look into her eyes so she can see the truth in the statement. Those eyes that a minute ago were so wide have now softened as she shakes her head gently. My hand starts to come up to brush her hair behind her ears, but I stop myself. I can't have her I remind myself. The demons chuckle to themselves.
"Its okay. I didn't mean to startle you. You wanna sit with me and talk for awhile?" she quietly asks.
I nod and sit back down. She sits next to me and stares at the sky. Neither one of us interrupts the silence. After a few minutes she turns to me, "20 questions?" she asks.
"Sure. I'll go first. What is your favorite childhood memory?" I ask.
"Umm, probably hanging out with my step brother Mario. He used to take me to this field in the middle of town in Phoenix, where my dad lives, and we would lay in the back of his truck and watch the stars. Often we didn't even talk, but when we did, it was great. He is amazing. I miss him. Okay, my turn. Favorite color?" she quietly states.
I laugh and look over at her. She is smiling, silently acknowledging that she isn't pushing me to share deeper things. "Dark purple. Like a royal purple. Favorite ice-cream?"
"Definitely chocolate fudge brownie by Ben and Jerry. I mean that shit is god's gift to me. I love it! Death to anyone who tries to take it away from me." she laughs.
"Interesting choice. I prefer cookie dough, although your choice is in my top 3." I laugh and tilt my head back up to the sky.
"How many in your family?" she asks. Her voice almost non existent as if she knows this is treading on dangerous ground.
"Esme and Carlisle are it. They adopted me when I was younger. My other parents aren't around anymore." my voice is monotone even to my own ears. Devoid of emotion.
" Do you like Esme and Carlisle?" she asks.
" Yea. I love them. They have been amazing and truth be told I was not the easiest kid to deal with. Probably still am not. " I shake my head. "What is the deal with your mom?" I ask before I can even stop myself.
She is silent for a moment and I am just getting ready to apologize when she takes a deep breath,"She is interesting. She is who she is and doesn't make excuses which I guess can be seen as a positive. She lives her life in a bubble that she creates. I take care of her, always have, although god knows why. She is my mother, but not really my mom. My grandma has pretty much raised me. She is everything to me. My mom uses me to help her maintain an image within the society she plays in. She loves men. She has been married three times and has had countless boyfriends. I don't know how to explain her. She is what she is. I love her because she is my mom, but I don't necessarily like her. Does that make sense?"
"Actually, it makes perfect sense. I love my birth parents, but I can't stand them. It is hard to reconcile that sometimes. I wish I didn't have any ounce of feeling for them after all the crap they did to me. I didn't have a very nice childhood, it was actually pretty fucked up." I suddenly stop realizing this is becoming too close to me saying everything. My breathing changes and I hear the demons begin to chant Tell her pussy. Tell her what they did to you and then what you did to them. Tell her what a useless little whore you were and what you let all those people do to you. We want to see her reaction when she walks away from you and calls you disgusting. Come on little one, open up and share. I jump up and run into the house. I can't look at her even though I know she is running behind me. I lunge for the bathroom door and slam it shut. I fall against the door sliding onto my ass and pull my knees into my chest. My hands are shaking and I can barely breathe. I have no idea how long I sit there before my mind registers her soft voice through the door.
"Edward, open up. Just let me in. I just want to make sure you are okay." she states as her fingers slide under the door. "If you don't want me in there, just touch my fingers so I know you are okay."
I look at her fingers and reach out and gently touch them. "I will be fine. Just give me a second. I will be out in a minute."
"Okay" she says and I hear her walk off.
I lean forward and pull out my wallet. I stare at it trying to talk myself out of it, trying to control the shaking in my hands, and trying to get the demons to shut the fuck up. Come play Edward. You know you can't make it through without us. We will bring back the memories; we can make it rough tonight and cause another breakdown. Give us what we want, let us enjoy the numbness and we will be quiet for awhile or you can cut. You know you want to do one or the other. If you cut you can feel the relief, feel the anger slide down your arms and chest with the warmness of the blood sliding down your chest.
I take a breath, shake my head, and pull out my stash. I quickly cut out the lines and inhale up my nose. The burn and taste down my throat cause me to lay my head back against the door and close my eyes. I wait for the drugs to hit my system and pull me out of the darkness into the numbness so that I can face the people outside without the demons annoying voices and the ghosts of my past painted on my face and visible in my eyes.
As I am standing, a knock echoes in the confines of the bathroom. "Yea, I am almost done. Be out in a minute." I say.
"Just checking on you dude." I hear Chicken quietly whisper.
I open the door and look into his eyes. "I am okay now. Thanks for checking."
We head back into the living room and I catch Bella's eyes and smile. She nods her head down acknowledging I am okay and I turn immediately as I am grabbed by Emmett. He pulls me in front of the TV and looks into my eyes. "Okay fucker, time for singing. You and me are doing a duet. How about Endless Love?"
Through my laughter I manage to spit out, "Okay, but I get the guy parts."
Em stands for a minute like he might argue and then laughs, "Hell yea, I can hit those high notes." He nods to Rose, who hits start on the machine and suddenly he and I are holding hands and playing up to the crowd of friends. Em is dancing and shaking his ass against me, sighing into my ears as he sings, and I am having a hell of a hard time keeping a straight face, but manage to get through the song without completely losing it. As the song ends, Em grabs me and dips me, placing a kiss on my cheek.
"Thanks for the song, sweetie." He giggles.
"No problem sugar." I drawl.
Everyone is laughing and Alice grabs Bella pulling her up for the next song. Bella is shaking her head as Alice whispers in her ear and I notice the wicked gleam in the pixie's eyes.
"Bella, I can take her out and you can run. It's not too late." I yell.
She shakes her head, laughs, and grabs the mike as Alice talks to Rose about what song. As the music starts, Alice and Rose step behind Bella and they wait patiently for the lyrics to start. As if on cue, all of us start laughing as we recognize the song.
Bella starts out the song with Rose and Alice in the background. I am suddenly entranced by this picture of Bella swaying her hips and singing in a low sultry tone to TLC's Red Light Special. Alice and Rose are dancing in the back and I look around at everyone and notice their jaws are on the floor. Apparently, this is a new thing for Bella. Chicken leans over and very carefully closes my jaw and wipes my mouth. I glare at him and he winks. When the song is over half the guys shift themselves in their jeans to get more comfortable and even the girls look a little flushed. Bella flounces to Chicken, Jasper and I and smiles sitting down in Chicken's lap. She turns to us and very innocently bats her eyelashes, "So how was it?". Jasper and I turn to stare at her as if she just asked for us to walk around naked, while Chicken just starts laughing.
"Bella, my sweet, I think you left them speechless." Chicken states in between laughs. She winks at him and gets up heading to the kitchen.
The rest of the night is spend with all of us doing more songs and trying to one up the girls. The songs range from Jimmy Buffet classics to the most entertaining version of Sweet Transvestite done by Crispy. As the crowd becomes more drunk the songs become more sexual and at one point Jasper, Chicken and I have done a rendition of Knockin' Boots that involves us taking our shirts off and halfway undressing. I glance at Bella as I am slowly unzipping my pants, letting them hang low and I am awarded with a blush and her breathing picking up. I play into it and move towards her as I am singing, grab her hand and pull her up to her feet. I pull her into my body and grind up against her continuing to sing. My traitorous body decides it has had enough with control for the night and I fell my dick get hard as she grinds her pelvis against mine. As the song ends, I lean towards her neck and gently lay a kiss behind her ear. I hear her sigh just as I pull away and head back to put the mike down. I glance up as I am pulling the zipper up on my jeans and Chicken is grinning like a school girl and Jazz is actually giggling. I shake my head and they both just continuing grinning at me.
"Fuck off!" I mutter under my breath and turn towards the kitchen. I grab a glass of water and head back into the living room. People are starting to get ready for sleep and as I come fully into the room, sleeping arrangements are being discussed. Crispy grabs the couch with a look at Jesse and Jessica as they whine about how he always gets the couch. Emmett and Rose head back to the back bedroom; Jazz, Alice, and Bella are apparently sharing her bed and Jesse and Jessica agree to take Tanya's room - with the warning to change the sheets first. Everyone else grabs blankets and makes themselves comfy on the floor.
"You sleeping tonight, Dark Angel?" Bella asks quietly.
"Probably not, kitten. I don't sleep so well in large groups." I say with a finality to my voice that I hope leaves no room for argument as I look into her eyes.
"Okay, but if you change your mind there is room in my bed for you with the rest of us." she turns and walks to her bedroom throwing a sad smile my way.
I head out to the back to sit and think. This girl has fucked my world around and I can't figure it out. I lay back on the grass, pulling my cigs out of my pocket, lighting one and inhaling slowly. I feel the chemicals burn my lungs and I hold it in enjoying the sensation. I start thinking about Bella and how in just a few short weeks, she has me wanting to let her in. She is smart and funny and accepting. But the real question is can she accept me and my past? I think she can and I want to share it with her. I want more than a quick fuck with her; I want to actually be friends with her and learn things about her. The physical attraction between the two of us is evident - Jesus we could probably power a third world country all by ourselves, but I want more with her. At least I think I do.
I am so wrapped up in my thoughts that I don't even hear Chicken lay down beside me. He reaches over and hands me another cig and sighs. I can tell he needs to talk to me, but I am enjoying the silence right now. I motion with my hand for him to be quiet and he hums his understanding. We stare at the sky for what seems like hours when he clears his throat.
"Look, I don't know your past and I don't want to know until it is time for you to share it. My guess is it is pretty fucked up. But know this: Bella likes you. She likes you as a friend and there is definitely the physical attraction. Let her in. She won't disappoint you. I know in your head you know that and I promise that your argument that you will disappoint her so it is better this way, is a bunch of shit. She knows you aren't perfect. She doesn't see you with blinders on or just as the sexy guy next door. She sees your soul. She sees all of our souls, and she is willing to take a chance with you. She will take whatever you will give her. Just remember, don't hurt her on purpose - there is a difference between hurting her in reaction to your past and hurting her to make her broken. She is already broken but unlike us she can see beyond that."
I turn my head to stare at him. "How the fuck did you know just what I was thinking?" I gasp.
"Because I thought that way too once. She and I dated for awhile, but we realized quickly that we are better as friends. She is my sister now. " he states matter of fact, no jealousy or other emotion but love and adoration of a sibling present.
"I will think about it." I state, jumping up, grabbing the bottle of whiskey and going to my car. I sit inside and drink until I know the demons are too wasted to care what I do or to bother with their incessant chatter about my past, my present, and most importantly my future. I am drunk enough that my arms feel like they weigh 1000 pounds as I smoke a cig in what I am sure is slow motion. My mind is in a haze and no thinking is present. I am just existing.
Suddenly, I hear a tapping at my window. As I look to my left, I see Bella in a sweatshirt, eyes pouring concern. I open my door and step out. She reaches to steady me as I almost fall forward onto my face.
"Oh, my sweet Dark Angel... what haunts you so much." she murmurs under her breath as I latch onto her, pulling her body into mine and inhaling her. I hug her tighter trying to anchor myself. Her hands reach up and start stroking my back trying to comfort me. Suddenly the demons flare against her touch. You are no good boy. Back up from her. You deserve nothing. You are nothing but a cheap whore that fueled your mother's drug addiction. You killed her because you couldn't give anymore. Never forget that.
I stumble back for a second and then it is like time stops. My mind is warring with itself. The demons are chanting, my heart is trying to break through and give hope and I can take no more. I stride forward, grab the back of her neck hard and pull her into my body. I hear her whimper, I know that I am hurting her but I don't give a flying fuck right now. I want to have one moment that I choose for myself to give myself exactly what I want regardless of the demons. One moment that is not to keep them at bay: not mindless sex, not drugs or alcohol, not cutting. I want to taste Bella. I grab her chin and pull it up. I lick my lips and look into her eyes. She is trusting me; I see it. Blind Bitch the demons shout. We will destroy her. She isn't yours. I lean down and push my lips onto hers. I am not gentle. It is hard and hungry filled with desperation. I grip her hair in one hand and hold her chin with the other. I force my tongue into her mouth and while she sighs I feel her body tense. I don't stop. Through my drunken fog, I know it is wrong but I still want to continue to taste her sweet mouth. It is more than I could have imagined and my body starts to pulsate with a need to claim her in some way. My tongue continues to wage war with her mouth as I pull her tighter into my embrace. Her body becomes more tense and she starts to pull back. I finally stop and glare at her. Her eyes are still trusting just more sad. I pull my hand from her hair, turn my mouth to the side and spit, and then turn back to her. She continues to stare at me and takes what I am giving her right now.
"Do not fucking call me Dark Angel again." I spit on the ground one more time and turn towards the house. As I enter, I glance back and see her standing there touching her lips and shaking her head. She looks up, feeling my eyes on her. Her eyes blaze into me. They are not scared but filled with determination as a few tears trail out and slide down her cheeks.
"I need some fucking sleep. I will be gone in the morning sweet cheeks." my voice is icy even to my own ears. The demons cheer and all goes black as sleep claims me while I am curled up on the living room floor.
