CHAPTER RE-POSTED DUE TO GOOF THAT KEPT BUGGING ME - THANKS NICOLEV


I've been reading a lot of fics lately, and I've been finding it difficult to remember what happens in each when they get updated, so to save you guys from that I'm gonna start little recaps of what needs to be remembered for each chapter. I know a lot of you don't want a cliffy before I go away, but that's now in the hands of lady fate, and whether madam Creativity hands me another bout of writer's block like the one that's plagued me all week. The spacing in this chapter got completely chewed up by the Document manager, but I left the conversation-heavy parts thick to make it easier.
I hope you all nominate in the Twi-Fi awards. I filled in my form this morning and some of my nominees are readers of this story ;) The link is on my profile page and nominating is easy.


Previously: -Ness keeps having nightmares about Cullens, Volturi, Cora and Victor. - Oz and Al killed Francesca after she threatened them.


"Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience." Calvin & Hobbes, hell yeah.


Chapter Fifteen: Self

My nice new bed didn't keep away the nightmares.

It was getting light outside by the time I was thrown awake by the latest creation of my mind. In this one Cora hadn't attacked, she'd been my Cora, and she came to save me. But then Victor found us, and his glowing eyes and menacing grin were enough to send me gasping awake.

When I opened my bedroom door after a few hours of just lying as sleep eluded me the first thing I saw was Oscar in the armchair that faced my room.

He smiled as I dropped on the couch and squirmed to check the clock on the VCR. It's flashing green numbers read 8:21. Oz watched my eyes before smirking.

"Yup, at least another two hours 'til sleeping beauty makes an appearance." I laughed as he waved his hand in the direction of Sonny's room. It was now apparent his early morning protest yesterday really was a one off. A less than comfortable silence fell over us, spawned from the fact Oz was the only person in the house I didn't feel at home around yet.

"Where are Al and Brice?"

"Hunting."

"Right." The topic had been raised, so I finally decided to ask the question that had been bugging me since I got here. "Does it ever get, y'know, hard?" I flicked my hand in the direction of Sonny's room when I couldn't find the words.

"You mean am I ever tempted to kill my little brother?" I couldn't help but sigh at his bluntness; he could have phrased it a little nicer.

"Well when you put it like that, of course it sounds ridiculous."

"To be honest, no, it's never been hard. I've never felt any temptation because I've never felt that pain of the thirst, Brice has always taken it away. Sonny still smells good, so do you, but that scent never manages to become appetizing because I don't feel the draw, and the thought is just …. Wrong." His body shuddered slightly as I saw him consider the thought of tasting his little brother's blood.

"Then what's it like for Brice, having to handle his own thirst as well as yours and Al's?"

"He's fine with it." Though Oscar appeared satisfied with his answer, I wasn't, and I couldn't help but meet his shrug with a raised eyebrow; I'd probably have to ask Brice for myself.

"I'm sorry, by the way." He'd broken the new silence with his low words and I could tell he'd struggled to get them out.

"For what?"

"When you first came here I, well I wasn't very nice to you." I shrugged and pulled my knees to my chest.

"It's okay. I understand, you were just protecting your family."

Alvar and Brice returned just as I came down from my shower. At that point I noticed the three of them started talking suspiciously loud, I only figured out why when the ruckus stirred Sonny, who slunk from his room with his eyes barely open and an extreme case of bed-head.

After a predictable breakfast over which I entertained myself, and everyone else, by using my gift to project random images to Sonny, who would each time collapse in a childlike fit of laughter at the sensations, he took a quick shower before diving onto Oz's back and whooping his way out of the front door. When Alvar and Brice laughed and followed I sat for a minute looking around the cabin.

It was strange how quickly this place had become home. I already loved how cosy it was; I figured I had to consider it cosy otherwise I'd just go a little crazy over how it was just really small. Outside I could hear the boys yelling and laughing and felt overcome with the need to take care of them, just like they took care of me.

I started by stripping Sonny's bed and throwing the sheets in the washing machine. I only knew how to use it because Sue had taught me once, the Cullen's never washed things, just replaced them. Everything else was already clean, including the clothes I'd come here wearing, I'd put my shorts back on but wore a t-shirt of Sonny's. I sighed as I searched the house for something else of use to do. After cleaning the windows and making sure everything in the kitchen was perfect, I was stumped, it seemed what little else was created to do got done whilst Sonny and I slept.

When I strolled out onto the porch I stopped to watch the playful commotion in the little clearing ahead. The four men were tangled in a mass of limbs, rolling and moving as they fought against each other. Involuntarily I sucked air through my gritted teeth as I saw that Sonny lay at the very bottom of the pile, clawing his hand out towards a small ball lying in the grass a few feet away. He was laughing as he slugged his brothers who were fighting with each other to reach the ball too, I couldn't help but smile as I knew it was all for effect, if any one of them had really wanted to, they could have thrown Sonny out of the way and had that ball in less than a second.

I sat on the steps of the porch and watched as they slowly unravelled themselves, still laughing and grunting at each other in insincere frustration. Sonny ducked quickly and grabbed the ball, throwing it high into the trees. I saw Oz roll his eyes at his brother, then he was gone. I couldn't help but let my mouth slacken at the speed he'd disappeared, I'd never seen anyone, human, wolf or vampire, move that fast. When Oz reappeared his pace slowed but didn't stop as his body bent down and rocketed into Sonny's knees head first, sending him flying to the ground. My concerned gasp caught Brice's attention who chuckled and jogged to sit beside me as Alvar leapt into the new match of wrestling.

"How do they do that?" Brice chuckled again at my question as he saw me flinch when Sonny again found his place at the bottom of the pile of bodies. "Is that all you? Is that why he's not in any pain?"

"No, no, no. I could never allow him to be put in such danger, no. We've all just got very good at it over time. You have to remember Smee, we had to care for Sonny when he was only an infant. We now each have two states of self, one for Sonny, one for anything else." He noticed my head shake in disbelief when he spoke of them caring for baby Sonny, and smiled proudly.

"That's pretty incredible."

"It is. Alvar was first. When Oz was changing I was too much in a trance, taking his pain away to help. Al had to hold him as he cried; he had to be so careful. The same pretty much went for a whole year. Oscar was too strong to touch something so small, and I was in a constant struggle controlling the pain of his thirst, so neither of us was very safe for poor Sonny, so it all fell to Alvar." I couldn't help but smirk in disbelief as Al rolled atop Sonny, pinning his arm in his like a vice. I decided to ask the question Oz had just shrugged off so lightly this morning.

"Is it ever hard, controlling all of their burning?"

"Not anymore. I think I've just grown accustomed to it, it actually feels strange when it goes away, like something is missing."

"What do you mean, when it goes away?" Brice chuckled, and when he spoke his voice was an almost inaudible murmur.

"My, my, you don't miss a thing, do you Smee? I'm not always controlling their thirst, sometimes I can't, I'm too far away." I matched Brice's tone, which was low enough that not even Al and Oz could hear.

"But this morning Oz told me you always take it away." Brice tilted his head to me, a satisfied grin on his face.

"What I'm about to tell you Smee, I've never told another soul, I've never even said it aloud, but you can keep a secret?" I nodded and leaned closer. "It's a placebo effect. The boys don't know I can't control it when they are of a certain distance from me." I nodded slowly, half in disbelief. From my one, brief experience of the thirst and its resulting frenzy, I doubted any trick of the mind could shield me from it. "But over time I've come to believe it's more than just an illusion. I think it may just be part of my ability that means the effects can stay with a person even without me. I just don't tell them that."

"But that's a lie?" Brice smiled at me, his eyes inclined for me to continue. "Al can see lies, shouldn't he know?" Brice leaned back, his voice returning to normal.

"Our little lie detector works on conditions. You have to tell him a direct untruth for him to see. But if you just, beat around the bush a little bit, never commit to a complete falsehood, he'll never know."

"I suppose you're very good at that then?" Brice laughed, nodding as the boys approached the steps.

"We all are. Apart from Sonny, Sonny's an awful liar."

"I am not!" Sonny stated, as he slid down to sit beside me, leaning his weight on me, breathless from his exercise with his brothers.

{--}

Life started to follow a very easy pattern. I'd wake up in the morning, or in the middle of the night, depending on the mood of my dreams, then I'd usually take a long shower and talk to whoever was around before Sonny woke up. I'd had to fight to be able to do anything around the house, Al, Oz and Brice insisted they didn't mind doing it all, it gave them something to do. The one thing I took hold of was the food. Once I'd hammered home it was more my area of expertise than theirs, I was allowed to be in control of the kitchen. Despite the fact it was the same stupid cereal every morning, I felt a swelling pride over my new position; I'd never had any real responsibility for anything in my life. I'd always been catered for in my every need, but now I felt that I, in some part, had my own little duty, something to take care of. Most days were spent outside. We'd play games, climb trees and race, doing little things that made hours pass like minutes. At night Brice would build a big fire and we'd all sit and watch one of Sonny's movies. Depending on his mood he'd either allow all our attentions to wander into conversation, or snap at us all to be quiet and watch. Then we'd both slink off to bed, and the nightmares would come for me.

I'd been in the cabin for just over two weeks. I was sprawled across one of the couches with a well worn copy of On The Road before me, listening to Sonny yelling something incomprehensible from outside when the front door blew open.
"Come on, I'm taking you out." Al grinned as he threw the book on to the armchair and lifted me to my feet.
"Uh … Out where?" I still got a little speechless when I was around him, and sometimes I was sure he noticed.
"You'll see." As I followed him outside, Sonny's cries became clear.
"I hate you Oscar!" Oz didn't seem too bothered by his brother's declaration, instead he just stood at the foot of a tree, looking up and laughing. I followed his gaze into the branches, where I saw Sonny, perched helplessly high.
"Smee, please come get me down!" I was about to leap into a climb when Al's arms trapped my shoulders and he whispered in my ear.
"No, let Oz have his fun." My eyes rolled as Oscar shot me a smug wink, and yelled my apology to Sonny before Alvar pulled me through the trees, towards the rickety building I'd never asked about.

The metal door creaked and complained as Al lifted it open, and the smell of the inside hit me hard. It smelled of damp and dust, and it felt like the thick scent was clogging my airways. Al saw me flinch and chuckled,
"Yeah, it can smell pretty brutal in here." The other scent, one of the least strong ones was the hardest. It smelled of oil and metal; car parts. I ground my teeth together and stood stone still for a second, blocking out any memories of the Cullen's garage, and especially the one at Billy Black's house.

A Land Rover stood in the dark, wedged between piles of junk that lined each wall. It was a classic model, not one of the flashy, excessive ones I was used to. It was deep green with a thick, black bull bar. For a second I closed my eyes and prayed Al wasn't a completer car-nut.

Turns out he wasn't. But he Brice and Oz had fixed the tank-like car up so that it could manage the dirt road that lead away from the cabin without falling apart.
"This road wasn't even here when we first moved to the cabin. It took less than a day for Oz to clear it though."
"Figures." I heard him laugh low and short under his breath before he murmured.
"Uh-oh, someone's starting to sound an awful lot like Sonny."

For a while we sat in silence as I watched the forest rush by the window. The silence was comfortable, not like when I sat in silence with Oz, then I always felt awkward for some reason. With Brice silences were peaceful, thought-provoking, and Sonny just never shut up long enough to know what silence was.

"Smee, who the hell are you?" I twisted quickly round in my seat to face Al's calm expression.
"What?"
"Who the hell are you?" He asked the question like he was inquiring about my opinion over the weather; calm and casual with that annoyingly perfect one-sided grin of his. His eyes swept to me and his smile widened when he took in my look of complete shock. "I mean, I know all of what you are, but not who you are. I don't know where you're from, what drove you from that place, or how the hell you ended up with ….her." I noticed how he shifted uncomfortably when he finished, the amusement draining from his face.
"You mean Francesca?" He squirmed again, his eyes darted around a little before skimming me quickly.
"Yeah." I felt my eyes narrow as I took a second to analyse his reaction to something he had brought up. He sat quiet, waiting for me to speak but not pushing me to say anything.
"You don't like talking about her?" He forced a smile and let his body relax a little, but I noticed his grip on the steering wheel tighten.
"Observation or question?"
"Observation, but with an open opportunity for you to respond in whatever way." He smiled a little and his back slouched further into the seat.
"No, I don't like talking about her. Or even thinking about her. She was, she wasn't very nice." I grunted and threw my head back.
"You have no idea." I left my head back on the seat and closed my eyes, glad the conversation hadn't lingered on me.
"But I killed her." My eyes flew open and I rolled my head to face Al, who was slumped further back in the seat as he stared out the windscreen.
"Oz killed her."
"But I helped. I was part of it." A painful twinge crept through me as I took in his sad, beautiful face.
"You feel guilty?" He took a deep, shaky breath before turning to me slowly.
"Question?"
"Yes" He shifted his grip on the wheel before nodding slowly. Francesca's death was something I'd barely given a second thought, which I now realised was very wrong. "Well you shouldn't." He shrugged unconvinced so I snatched his right hand from the steering wheel taking it in mine. "Al, she could have hurt you. And Brice and Oz, and Sonny. What you did, you did to protect your family." He turned to me and I was glad the car slowed; vampire or not, driving down this road with one hand without looking; not smart.
"And you. It was to protect you too." I let his hand drop and threw back into my seat, despising myself entirely.
"I've never thanked you for that have I?"
"You don't need to."
"Yes I do. For everything. You've all taken me into your home, fed me, clothed me, you pretty much saved my life. You let me join your family and I've never even thanked you."
"Like I said, you don't need to."
"Well I'm saying it anyway. Thank you Alvar." He smiled and gave my shoulder a gentle shove. "Now where the hell are we going?"
"Bigfork"
"Big-what?"
"Bigfork. It's the closest town to the cabin there is." I dropped further into my chair and smirked. Little Forks to Bigfork; stupid irony.
"Oh and Smee?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't think I'm letting you off the hook on the whole, who are you question, it's a long drive there, and a long drive back."
After around twenty minutes the road turned into one of a little more common standard.
"You live pretty secluded don't you."
"Yes, we do, don't we." I smiled when he forced the 'we', exaggerating my inclusion in the statement.
"So, what's in Bigfork?"
"Whatever you need. Well, not whatever you need, this isn't some everything-in-reach city, but it should do."

After an argument about giving me money which lasted almost thirty minutes once we'd arrived, Al shoved a few notes in my pocket and forced me playfully out of the car. It felt strange roving the town alone, and it wasn't until I'd thoroughly taken advantage of a couple of clothes stores, that the women in the drug store looked at me like an alien when I asked her a sudden question.
"Excuse me, where exactly am I?" She looked both shocked and concerned, as well as maybe a little scared. I'd blurted out the question as quickly as it had come to me, and now wished I'd just waited to ask Al.
"You're in Bigfork, Montana sweetie."
"Montana?" She'd shown me a map and pointed to our location. I was shocked to say the least, after so many months away I figured I'd be way further from Juneau.

"You all done?" Alvar smiled back at me as I piled my bags into the back seat.
"Pfft, no. We need food."
"Ok, I'll wait here." He turned back in his seat and switched the radio back on, closing his eyes and not opening them when I came round and opened his door.
"No, you're coming with me."
"Can't. Sun"
"What? It's not even sunny. If it was do you think I'd be out here?"
"Probably, all you do is shine a little bit."
"Well, excuse me for not looking like I took a sled ride down a diamond mine, now get out of the car."
"Why?"
"Because."
"Oh well, can't argue with that now, can I?"

After dragging an unenthusiastic Alvar around the store and packing the food that needed to stay cold in a cooler with lots of ice, we set off for home.
"How come there's never any normal food in the cabin?"
"Smee, I live on a diet of animal blood. You're gonna have to help me with your definition of normal."
"I mean like, what's with all the survival food? You expecting nuclear fallout or something?"
"No. We just don't shop a lot. But I now your in charge, I see that's all changing." He flicked his head back in the direction of the bags of food. "That's all so colourful and foody and … eugh." I laughed as he grimaced and shivered.
"So who normally did the shopping?"
"Brice usually liked Oz to go, 'cos he was fastest. I'm not sure why that made a difference." I think I was. Maybe even Brice doubted the power of his 'placebo effect' if Oscar was around people without him for too long. "But now it's your job, Congratulations."
"Well, it's gonna need to be like a weekly thing. So you're gonna have to drive me."
"You can't drive? You can't run?"
"No, I can't drive, nobody ever taught me. And no, I couldn't run that far and carry all the stuff back."
"What kind of vampire are you?"
"A half of one, on a human diet."
"Why is that, the diet thing? You just prefer it?"
"Kinda. But the last time I went on a blood diet, it didn't turn out so good. I do miss the hunt though, the chase was always my favourite part, and the benefits too; the strength, the speed."
"So, why don't you do both?" I rolled my head towards him and frowned enquiringly. "Have both, food and blood. Balance out your two sides."
"That's actually a really good idea. You know it's funny, I grew up with a vampire who was a doctor, and he never even suggested that to me." I felt as my teeth slammed together, did I really just say that? The way Alvar rolled his eyes to me, a slow, smug smile creeping across his lips told me yeah, I did.
"And that brings us neatly back to our little topic from earlier; who you are." I sunk deeper into my seat and pressed my arms firmly across my chest. "You don't want me to know do you?" I lowered my shield when I murmured my no, so he could feel the full force of my honesty. Al leaned closer a little before shaking his head slowly. "See, those are the worst kinds of lie, the ones people tell themselves."
"I wasn't lying, I don't want to talk about it."
"Smee, the expert in food in this car is you, the expert on lies is me, trust me. When you just said 'no', some little part of your brain told me the truth, and it's not because you don't want me to know about you. Wanna know what it is?" I sat in silence, staring out of the window, terrified of the truth. "It's because you're scared of 'that girl'. Whoever that is you're scared of becoming her, and you're scared of facing up to the things she did, and the things people did to her. So you hide your past away, so you can be your own girl. I'm not sure who 'that girl' is, but I bet you are." Stupid lie-detector. That's why I try not to think about them, even though it doesn't even hurt anymore. Because I'm trying not to be 'that girl'. That girl, I'm sure, is Renesmee Cullen. Who got hurt by everyone she loved and then abandoned them; yeah, I hate 'that girl.'


Bigfork was actually a total coincidence as it was just the closest town to the area LiveMaps found for me for the boys to live in. Oh, and thanks to PenofPoison for agreeing wholeheartedly, that Alvar=Freddie from Skins (Best show ever). So if you wanna see what Al looks like Google Luke Pasqualino. You will not regret it. He is hot.
Next chapter: I'll get it out as fast as I can as it'll have a cliffy and I don't wanna leave you all hangin for the whole time I'm away.