RECAP: For last chapter applicable to this.
"I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three. ~Author Unknown"
Chapter Eighteen: Hands to Hold
I stayed rolled up beside Cora, her arms wrapped tightly around me as we talked.
"I'm sorry if my coming here caused trouble. I can tell that they don't like me very much." She inclined her head to the door, behind which Oscar, Alvar and Brice had fallen silent. I sighed, shaking my head and pushing it onto Cora's shoulder.
"It's not that, I'm glad you're here. This is all my fault, not yours." I lifted my head a little to look into her dark eyes, I could tell it had been a while since she'd hunted. "They didn't hurt you did they? When they found you?"
"Not really. They just went a bit crazy when I said I wanted to see you. They seem very protective of you." There was that horrible guilt again. Cora wriggled slightly, scooting lower so her eyes were level with mine. "Who are they, Ness? Who was - who was the one who carried me in here?" Here eyes drifted to the door, before snapping back to me as I rubbed my eyes.
"That was Brice. And they're all kind of … well I don't know exactly, at least not anymore."
"Because of me?"
"No, Cora. This is not your fault okay, it's me. Me and my stupid, selfish secret." When Cora's eyes stayed wide and questioning I lifted my hand to her forehead, and replayed all I remembered from the night Sonny told me all about Victor. When I was done Cora took a side of her bottom lip between her teeth and sighed, shaking her head slowly. When she inhaled again her eyes met mine and she nodded her head towards the wall behind her, the wall that separated Sonny's room from mine.
"Him?"
"Yeah, that's him." My hand hadn't moved from her forehead so I continued to project, showing Cora the phone conversation I'd overheard Francesca having with Victor. The one in which she told him she'd found the cabin, found it so Victor could come and have his 'revenge' on Brice and the boys. When I was done Cora's eyes flew wide open.
"Ohhh! Ness, I never knew about that."
"I didn't think you did." Cora looked at me sympathetically, now understanding the huge mess I'd made. I dropped my head back down on her shoulder and grumbled, I'd have to face them sooner or later.
"There's something I need to show you. Someplace I need to take you." As Cora patted my back before sliding off the bed to put her shoes back on I sighed. I wasn't running away from this, I couldn't.
"Later. There's something I have to do first. You go and hunt, I'll meet you when I'm done."
She nodded slowly before pulling me into a hug.
"I've missed you, Nessie."
"I've missed you too."
{--}
I opened the door slowly, feeling my guilty heart pulsing solidly in my chest. I tugged Cora's hand behind me as I shuffled out only letting go when she passed me to head for the door. She twisted to smile a gentle, reassuring smile at me before her eyes passed over Oz and Al, who stood around the room, shooting them both what to me, looked like a stern warning. Her gaze then lingered on Brice who nodded courteously before opening the door for her.
When she was gone I felt everything. I felt as Oz took a sharp intake of breath, signalling his distaste at Brice's sign of civility as he watched Cora leave before he slowly closed the door. I felt the vibrations through the house as Sonny paced impatiently behind his locked door. And I felt the sudden, unexpected pang of anger at Oz for putting him there. I felt angry that Oscar would feel such measures were necessary, as if I would ever allow Cora anywhere near Sonny if I felt her a threat to him.
But mostly I felt the guilt and the shame. As I saw them all waiting for my explanation as to why I had kept such a dangerous secret from them.
This is what I wanted, right? To be able to finally have nobody here to hold my hand when I messed up. Now I had it, I hated it. I just wanted to call Cora back in here so she could hide me and tell Alvar to stop staring at me with those sad, beautiful eyes. I wanted her to bring Brice's smile back, and I wanted her to calm Oz down, as I could just make out his chest rising and falling rapidly in his fury. I wanted her to make me invisible. But I couldn't to that, I had to face this and make it better, because I couldn't lose them.
"I'm sorry." I had to fight my own eyes from rolling at the feebleness of my opener. Was that all I could come up with? I'm pathetic. If I knew it wasn't enough, then Oz definitely did. His body shot towards me at his remarkable pace.
"SORRY?" Upstairs, Sonny's movements stopped, before I heard his body bang against his door as he scrambled to listen in. Behind Oz, Al's body straightened and leaned closer to. He must have sensed his brother's movements because Oz's face withdrew from mine a few inches, his eyes closing and a deep breath passing through his tense lips. "I'm keeping my promise Al. But I think we deserve more than her feeble apology, don't you?"
Al didn't reply, but Brice strode to Oz's side placing a hand on his shoulder. Oz immediately seemed to relax a little, and now the room was silent again, all eyes on me.
"You do understand, don't you, Smee?" I couldn't bring myself to look at Brice as he spoke, instead staring cowardly at the floor. "You understand what that … monster, what a danger he is to us?" I nodded slowly. Victor had tried twice to kill Al and Brice, his second attempt claiming the lives of many, including Oz and Sonny's mother, and injuring Oz so badly he needed to be changed by Brice. I definitely understood the danger that monster was, and felt guilty for now knowing more than they did. So I took a deep breath, and hoped that someday things would be back to normal.
"He was coming here. He knew where you were, and he was coming for you, all of you." My eyes shifted from the floor to Sonny's door, and I felt as my fists tightened at the thought of Victor getting to him. "Francesca was his mate." I saw as each of the men staggered back a little, and Al raised his hands to grip them in his hair. They each now understood the magnitude of the fact Al and Oz had killed her, the mate of their enemy. "She'd found you for him, but I don't think she told him where you actually were." I'd long since managed to work out why we had to move around so much while Victor wasn't with us. He couldn't know where Francesca and Cora were keeping me, if the Volturi had decided they didn't want to play by Victor's rules they could have easily got my location out of him if he'd known it. It made sense Francesca wouldn't have been able to disclose exactly where this cabin was.
Brice's hand came to his mouth, his fingers working around the area of his lips as he paced, his eyed wide in thought. Oz just kept sucking in air, each time his mouth opened I waited for words, but he seemed incapable of forming any.
With a few long strides Alvar moved to stand just short of Oscar, and I did all I could to avoid eye-contact with him.
"Why were you with him? You're not - you're not like him." His voice was low and broken, and stung me all over. Due to his gift, Al's world revolved around honesty. He knew the damage lies could do, having to live surrounded by even the darkest ones. But I'd kept this secret from him, and I could tell it had hurt.
"I was - I just. I just was." Even now, with the big secret out, I couldn't face unveiling my past. The reason that the words wouldn't even rise in my mind, let alone my actual throat was hidden from me. I just couldn't talk about it, about them. "Not for very long, maybe a few months. And he was rarely with us, Cora, Francesca and I. He was busy, I suppose, planning to pass me over to the Volturi." From the way they each shifted I could tell this little thought hadn't been recalled until now. I hated myself for the relief I felt. But at least now they knew, I'd never been on Victor's side, and he'd never been on mine.
Al was in turmoil, it was clear. As he shuffled closer to me, his breath deep and shaky, I could tell he was struggling with what to do, what to say.
"He didn't ever hurt you, did he?" I felt my chest drop and my body buzz, for whatever reason I couldn't help how I felt around him. His eyes stayed with mine in his pained anticipation of my answer. Physically, his question meant physically. Victor had pretty much single handily destroyed my entire world, but he'd never laid a finger on me. Truth is, he'd always been sickeningly nice to me, a completely false amiability, and my skin crawled as I thought that must have been the way he acted with Brice in old days, with Sasha before he betrayed her and ended her life. It must have been the same way he drew in Cora, with his false charm, covering his black soul.
"No, he never hurt me." He looked relieved, very relieved. And as I let my eyes wander, so did Brice, and even Oz … a little bit.
They were all quiet again, thinking.
"I didn't tell you because I was scared. I understood it all, when Sonny told me the story I knew he was after you. I just couldn't tell you because I wanted to stay. I didn't want you to think I was like him, or part of his scheme to hurt you all. I just wanted to stay with you."
I was begging. I could feel it in my own voice, I was just pleading with them to forgive me, not to hate me.
We were silent again. I could hear nothing but my own racing pulse, of which the source I was sure now lay in my throat.
"Smee. I know you can hear me, can you come let me out please?" Sonny's voice was barely raised. He knew better than to have to shout to get attention around here. But like hell was I going to let him out now, I didn't dare try and defy Oscar when he still looked so angry.
Oz looked torn. Despite Sonny now kicking at his door, demanding to be let out, Oz kept his narrow eyes on me. I felt his conflict too. Sonny had a right to know what I'd done. But Oz had such a fierce protection over his brother, he would no doubt hate what the news would do to Sonny, it would terrify him. How could it not? He'd be finding out how close Victor had come, even after all these years. And now with Francesca's death looming over them, Victor would surely not give up.
But Sonny had three brothers, although neither of the others as legitimate as Oz, they were brothers nonetheless. So Al had chosen to assert that position and raced across to Sonny's door, throwing it open and pulling him towards him and holding his brother's head to utter silent words. Sonny seemed to understand Al's mime, watching his lips closely as they moved before his eyes shifted to me and he nodded enthusiastically.
My curiosity over the exchange only grew when Sonny strode over to me confidently, throwing his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close, a fierce scowl directed at Oz, who grimaced and exhaled with a long, deep grunt.
"That was low, Alvar. We should all be in this together." Brice seemed more relaxed now, his chastising only carrying a faint trace of disapproval.
"And we are, Brice. I just don't feel we need to make this harder by arguing. Smee knows she should have told us. But he doesn't know where we are anymore. It's not an issue." Oz snapped forward, his face contorted into a vicious scowl as he growled.
"We don't all you share your selfish, impassive view on Victor, Al!" At the mention of Victor, Sonny's jaw went slack and he pulled me closer, as though he would protect me, as though he could.
"He. Won't. Find. Us." Oscar grimaced again at Al's calm tone, clenching his fingers before bringing them to point in his face.
"God help you if he does, Al. I've told you before, I'd kill you myself before I let him lay a finger on you." He then breathed deep, and a look of incomprehensible sadness passed his dark eyes before they turned on me, as did his pointed finger. "And God help her if he finds us. If he-" Oz then grimaced again, before emitting a loud, deep roar and crashing his fist into one of the side tables beside him, buckling its wooden frame.
A small chuckle came from Al, who stood beside Sonny, his arms folded and stance sturdy. I felt terrified for him when Oscar span quickly at the sound. "Don't you laugh at me Al, I'll rip your head off!" Sonny sighed and rolled his head, my entire body clenched as Al laughed again, this time louder.
"Come on then, Oz. Do your worst, teach me a lesson. Or better yet, teach Smee." Wait, what? Did Al just dare Oz to 'rip my head off'? Before me Brice's left leg bent, bringing his torso to lean in front of me, it seemed he caught the dare too, and still felt the need to protect me, or maybe just Sonny, from the threat of Oz coming through on it.
Oz growled through gritted teeth, his furious glare inches from Al's complete composure. Neither eyes shifted to me, as Brice, Sonny and I watched their silent battle with bated breath. When Al spoke again his tone was calm and quiet, refreshingly soothing.
"You couldn't hurt her. I wasn't sure before she came out here, that's why I made you promise, but now I know." In front of me Brice slid straight, his eyes narrowed as he studied Al and Oz meticulously. "She's like Sonny. She can mess up, do stupid things. But you would never let anything bad happen to her, never hurt her. And no matter how mad at her you are for lying to us, Oz, the thought that he got close to her, makes you madder." It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room as I waited for Oz to explode, because it certainly looked like he was about to.
Instead he elbowed Alvar out of the way and took a long stride towards the door, before grinding to a halt before me.
"I'm going hunting. And if I run across your little white-witch while I'm out, Smee, I will not be held accountable for my actions."
I exhaled a long, shaky breath when Oz was gone. Both confident that his threat was not sincere, and that Cora would be smart enough to stay out of his way. Sonny felt my body shaking and pulled me into one of his crushing-if-I-was-human hugs, chuckling as I buried my face into his neck.
"You sure know how to make trouble, Smee. What the hell 'dya do?" I shrugged from his embrace and looked to where Alvar had stood, only to find him moved to the couch where he sat beside Brice, both of them with their eyes fixed on nothing in particular.
"Smee, get out here NOW!" Oz's shout sent a bolt of electricity through me before I threw open the front door, dropping from the high porch in one leap. Not fifty yards from the cabin were Oz and Cora. Stood face to face, and though neither held a completely crouched position, they both looked prepared to pounce on the other at the drop of a hat.
As Cora stood the light breeze floated through her and carried to me her still-exposed scent. She weaved her fingers through the air, subtly combing the breeze as he white dress blew behind her. Cora and I were similar yet so different. We both had lost pasts, hers taken involuntarily, mine not so. But the white she wore now and everyday was most testament to our differences. She clung to it, the only thing she had of her past, whereas whatever tiny remnant of my old life may have remained, had long since been scratched away, dispelled by myself.
When I reached them I came to a stop before Oz, facing Cora knowing I'd have a far better chance of calming her than I did him. But before I could speak Cora's frame disappeared behind Brice's who stood taller than me, his height matching Oscar's.
"We all calm down. Now." Though he seemed to speak to all it was clear in his stare he was really directing the command at Oscar.
"Come on, Ness. Let's go." Cora slid round Brice, eyeing him before reaching for my hand.
"I don't think so." Oscar growled as he leaned around me. "For all we know you could have led Victor here." Sonny came towards us, panting a little from running and coming to a tired stop by Al a few feet away.
"Who the heck is that?" Sonny flapped his hand towards Cora before resting it on Alvar's shoulder as he collected his breath.
"She hasn't led him here, she wouldn't."
"How can you be sure? She's lied to you before." The words Oz hissed made Cora's body straighten a little and her expression fall into immense sadness.
"She did. She kept something from me just like I kept something from all of you, and she's just as sorry as I am." Cora nodded. "But I know she wouldn't lead him here."
"But he could have just followed her trail." Brice stared down into Cora's eyes as he spoke, and her replying giggle made his eyes gleam and sent a smile across his lips.
"Nobody follows me, right Ness?" Cora could charm herself out of a black hole, though I could tell that it was never intentional, just who she was.
"Right. Cora's …. Special."
Cora span herself around slowly, her eyes travelling everyone, she even managed a little wave at Sonny. The way Cora's moods shifted sometimes made me dizzy. In less than an hour I'd seen her go from battered to sad to supportive to aggressive, and now here she was, playful and bouncy.
"Ness, can we go soon? I really want to show you my surprise, and it's kinda far away." I nodded before glancing down at my attire. Despite my body temperature, travelling long distance in my polka-dot shorts and a vest pj's didn't seem right.
"Sure, just let me go get -" Before I could finish, Al's arms were around me as he wrapped me in his jacket.
"We go now. All of us." As I poked my hands through the arms of the jacket I tried to ignore the dizzy feeling its scent gave me and watched as Cora rolled her eyes.
"Fine. This way." When she skipped off, Brice was the first to follow. They both moved at a human pace, Brice with his hands connected behind his back as he studied Cora. Oz grunted before heading through the trees, beckoning Sonny to follow.
"But Oz! I didn't even get breakfast yet!"
"Now, Sonny!" Sonny grumbled once, before trudging after his brother. I went after them all slowly, Al keeping a distance behind me as he followed.
{--}
After a while I could hear Cora and Brice start up conversation ahead. Sonny had caught up with Oz and had managed to get him to engage in playful banter, no doubt in an attempt to get him to lighten up. Al's hands came around my waist and he span me around, pulling me close.
"Why did you do it, Smee? Why didn't you talk to me? I get that you have this past you don't want to talk about, I get that. But you could have told me this. You should have told me this." All I could do was nod, he was right. He brought a hand to run through my hair and bent his knees a little so his face was level with mine. "You can tell me anything, Smee. I get that sometimes you don't want to, but promise me you'll never feel like you can't, because you can. Please promise, Smee." His face was just a few inches from mine and there was a gentle smile on his lips, his eyes weren't as sad as they'd been earlier.
"I promise."
