For some reason I was banished from FFnet the last couple of days and I couldn't log on to reply to any of your wonderful reviews or post this chapter until now. But whatever, after a lot of shouting at the screen of my laptop, I think I scared it into submission and here I am.
It's another long one, I think that might be a trend now until this wraps up but at least now you can see why I had to cut the last chapter off where I did. I toyed with its title like crazy, it's had so many and I'm still not completely thrilled with the end result. Though I think it does some up the majority of this chapter well, particularly in regards to the focus of Nessie's thoughts, it's just quite simple ... and I'm not one for simplicity.
Thought I might also let you know that after this chapter we have four chapters left which I am determined to have done soon. I'd set myself I deadline date but I was born with a sef-discipline deficiency so it wouldn't work. So yeah, four left, well I don't know if you'd count any epilogue as one, but let's just say four. With this coming so close to an end feel free to put anything you want in a review, any question, and query any comment or rant. Whatever. Or if you'd prefer you can get it out on a PM or twitter. I'm completely opening the floor to anything you want to know or say, so speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Jacob.
He had found me.
My body and mind felt light and unconstrained in an instant as my eyes devoured the deep brown orbs set in the face before me. This animal face, though not as distinct to me as the face of its human form was unmistakable. The sound of his raging heartbeat rung through me like the second part to my own, a duet with both players together for the first time in so long.
But he was so still. If it wasn't for the shrinking and expanding rhythm at his stomach I would have thought him frozen. And if my body didn't feel him so absolutely until it became more real than the earth at my feet or the carcass in my arms, I would have thought him an illusion.
But every part of me screamed it, all of me knew. Jacob had found me.
As a second felt like a lifetime my body began to react to his stillness, with a panic and unease I checked myself. There was blood still at my lips and I cradled a dead beast in my arms.
What must I look like?
Quickly, too quickly, I dropped it and began to rise from my crouch. His eyes stayed with mine as I rose and my chest ached at their depth. Despite the fact I'd seen them a million times, expressing every kind of feeling, through dreams and reality, with every blink of my own eyes I saw his, despite this, they still held me so strongly that they consumed my whole mind.
Nothing existed outside of the fact that he was here.
The silence that had washed over us disappeared with a quick swoop and the sound of the air popping from my stomach as I was knocked over. Bracing myself for impact with the forest floor my eyes fell shut. There was a deep, vicious roar followed instantly by a louder, deeper growl. When my body never made contact with the earth I opened my eyes. Oz had caught me. He'd barged into my side and wrapped one arm tightly around my waist so I was now lifted behind him, his torso twisted in the direction of Jacob who was frozen no longer. He'd moved forward so he was now much closer, his teeth bared as his entire frame shook with the snarls that passed them. Oz hissed back, his grip around me not allowing me to wriggle free. Mortification and panic struck me as they glared at each other, it didn't worry me that any attack on either part would surely get me hurt but the thought that they would fight at all was terrifying. Jake's head ducked further forward as he snarled again, Oz's whole body moved towards him too, his arm twisting to move me further from the confrontation.
"Oz, don't!" I shouted and wriggled but his vice around me was not to be broken. As I writhed against his side I felt the vibrations within his chest grow stronger until his whole body seemed to tremor.
With the sound of an approach through the trees Oz's body leaned towards it and the rumble got stronger, he was preparing to protect Al from Jake even before he came to where we were. I pulled harder at Oz's arm but it did not move, I wanted to get free and throw myself between them, calm them both and then explode with the aggravation of this being what Jake must be confronted with on his arrival. When Al became visible his eyes burned with fury in Oz's direction, he snarled as he slid to a stop beside him and reached for my arm. Before he could make contact Jake pounced.
I screeched as Oz's body dropped, his shoulder rocketing into Jake's side. His teeth narrowly missed Al's arms as his body was thrown with the force of the impact. Oscar's arm slipped from around me and I fell to the ground with a thud as his other reached and pulled Al's shoulder down further from Jake until he fell to the floor just beside me. Jake's body skidded to a land a few feet from Oz who rose and seethed, Al and I at the floor behind him as his body stiffened and bent as though ready to pounce. Before I could stand there was the sound of another drumming against the forest floor. With a speed that left her little more than a dart of grey fur Leah leapt through the air and landed with her snarling face only inches from Oz's.
Al jumped to his feet and pulled at Oz who had shrunk back from Leah slightly but still seethed.
"No, Oz!" Al screamed, his face twisted into fury and the stress showing at his neck as his palms pushed against Oz's chest. "This was not the plan! You promised!" Oscar's hands came to his brother's and he wrestled to remove them, his body darting forward as he shouted,
"He tried to bite you, Al. I'll kill him!" Leah roared louder, her body shaking ferociously as she rose up and stood as a barrier between Oscar and his target.
Said target stood behind Leah, the aggression had fallen from his face and he stared at the smaller, but nonetheless threatening wolf at his front. His eyes were focused and attentive. He was listening. Despite being occupied, Leah's mind must have been flowing as it made a connection with its former Alpha.
"Stop it, Oscar!" Al pushed once more at his chest and this time Oz staggered, his glare switching from Jake to his brother. If I hardly recognised Al and the rage that had overcome him then it was obvious Oscar felt the same. Though his body didn't relax his face dropped from its snarl. "Get to the house." Al barked and for a moment I could have sworn Oscar shrunk slightly from him, but he didn't move. "Now!"
Unable to focus on them my eyes were drawn once again to Jake. He stared back and looked just as he had moments ago, before Oz had shown up. The same sad stillness was in his eyes that lassoed my stomach and tugged. I quaked with the need to be closer to him but could not lift myself from the mossy floor.
Oz did it for me.
With a grunt he turned on his feet and grabbed me with both hands, caging me at his side with one arm around my waist just as before. Before I could realise what he as doing he was heading through the trees with Al shouting after him to stop. I kicked and fought as Jake faded into the distance, wanting to scream his name and run to him but finding my strength so much lacking when faced with Oscar's. As I disappeared I saw Jake move forward, but Leah blocked him off, not allowing him to pass.
{--}
"Oz, let go of me! Let go!" I swung my legs over and over against his as he carried me through the trees, clawing at his stone arm to no avail. He did not release me and soon we were at the Mausoleum.
Sonny stood at the door, his mouth open as he watched Oz drag me towards the house. In his hands was a phone and he pointed at it as Oz passed him.
"Umm, Leah said to call Cora, so I did." I still kicked and punched and cursed at Oz as he dropped me down on the couch,
"I can't believe you did that, Oz! Why did you do that?" He had made what was already going to be the hardest moment of my life so much harder. He had attacked Jake and then dragged me from him. I felt as though I could cry, but only because he was gone now. Mere minutes weren't enough. His scent was back to being nothing but a memory and I needed it back. I needed to see him again.
Sonny came to stand where we were, his face still dropped in shock as my tussling with Oz had me booting the coffee table and obliterating the remnants of his and Leah's scrabble match.
Al ran through the door just as I crawled up and pushed at Oscar's shoulders. He grabbed my waist and pulled me from him, dragging me backwards and shouting past my shoulder.
"That was horrible, Oscar! What you just did was despicable!" Oz seethed in frustration and as the only calm person in the room Sonny slid between us.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Everybody calm down. Where is Leah?" Despite his voice being raised, Sonny went seemingly unnoticed by all.
"Why couldn't you just stick to the plan, Oz?" Al kept his hands at my waist as he continued to chastise the still furious Oz. "Why did you have to ruin this for her?"
"I did nothing until he went for you, Al, nothing!" Again Sonny moved between us, becoming more obvious in our sights.
"Who went for him? What is going on?"
"That's what I want to know." When Brice's voice was heard Oz and Al's aggressive rumbles were silenced. He came through the door quickly, Cora just behind him and they both wore equally severe expressions as they came to our sides, and nobody answered him.
Cora's eyes travelled each of us quickly before they met with mine,
"He's here isn't he?" Before I could nod, Al jarred forward and shoved Oz's chest.
"Yeah, and Oz attacked him." Oz growled and Brice quickly manoeuvred so that he switched places with Sonny and stood between them. It wasn't Oz he needed to be away from though, if anyone, I'd say it was Cora. Her body seemed to grow several inches as he stepped towards Oz, leering as she yelled,
"You did what?"
Quickly they all erupted into shouting. Each of them trying to voice their own opinion without listening to that of any other. I backed from the group, slipping away and clapping my hands over my ears as the sound rose. Never before had I seen any of them really argue, much less dissolve into such a heated series of exchanges. I hadn't even had time to process what was happening yet. Jacob was here, right outside and I could feel him. I could feel again and the pain was all gone. My mind was no longer a dark tunnel but was now spinning in its old fashion.
I watched as they carried on, Cora's anger was bubbling and I could see Brice's attempts to control the situation were not going to work. I thought about what I could do. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to run outside and find Jake and scream and cry and shout at those here first before I left.
But after what Oz just did in the woods, I knew screaming and crying and shouting was not my best bet.
"Be quiet!" Though I let my voice carry loud enough to dominate all theirs I didn't scream, and tried to keep my expression composed. They all fell silent and turned to look at me. "Just be quiet okay. Please." Slowly I walked to the stools in the kitchen, dropping into one that was best placed to watch out of the window for anything coming from the trees.
With them silent I tried to think.
Jacob was here. The separation was over, Jacob had come here.
I needed to know why. For whatever reason, be it good bad, painful or not I needed to know. I needed to see him.
Leah was with him now, he would have access to her thoughts, so what would he see? What would he think? My mind buzzed with questions that only he could answer, that I only wanted him to answer.
My fingers tapped the countertop restlessly and my feet shook.
I could not go yet, letting Leah talk to him was the best thing to do first. Or maybe it wasn't, I really had no clue. But I didn't want to intrude on whatever they maybe communicating, I didn't want to presume my presence was wanted.
I'd wait until Leah got back.
{--}
That turned out to be so much easier said than done.
Though they each managed to remain calm, the silence didn't last long. Cora was furious at Oz for how he reacted, as was Al. After a while a creeping of sympathy set inside me as I watched him pace the room. Only a few nights before me Al had told me I would sometimes need to try and get past Oz's aggravating behaviour, because behind it lay only the desperate need to protect me. Sonny sat at the stool behind me, he chewed his fingers nervously and tapped his foot as he stared out of the window and awaited Leah's return. Brice, though he did voice the fact he disagreed with Oz's conduct, mostly showed a deep disapproval for Oz and Al's arguing. It was very apparent that he didn't like that at all.
As the time ticked by it got harder and harder, my paranoia going into overdrive as I thought of what could be happening. I burned inside with the want for Leah's insight, to know Jake's thoughts.
The first hues of evening darkness had blanketed the sky by the time she emerged from the trees, fully clothed in the contents of one of Cora's 'Leah' packages. I was at the door before I could even register my own movements, she seemed to move painfully slow as she strode up the hill … alone.
She didn't even make eye contact as she passed me and entered the house, and as the cold air followed her in, so did the thought that he might have gone again. Maybe he had all he needed, had closure from Leah's thoughts or only came in the first place to leave a message, one he'd now left Leah to deliver.
When she entered Sonny sighed with relief and took one of her hands and pulled her close. They didn't seem to care that everyone watched them as they embraced, but all eyes were on Leah, or at least mine were, ardently. And it seemed a painfully long time until she finally spoke.
"I thought you said you'd stay calm when he got here?" With a scowl she turned to Oz who leaned against the far wall, his arms crossed and his eyes brows deeply sunk above his dark eyes.
"I said I'd try." He spat back and Leah chuckled flatly, rolling her eyes. "He got aggressive before I did!"
"He didn't know who you were, Oscar. He came here to see Renesmee, and at first sight you run in and grab her. How the hell was he supposed to react?" Oz's sulky glare grew darker and he sunk further against the wall. I felt giddy with impatience, the mere mention of Jacob coming here to see me had me almost bouncing with desperation for more from Leah, but her eyes hadn't even met mine yet.
Walking past me without the slightest acknowledgement of my presence she reached up into one of the cupboards and pulled out a cup, filling it with water at the sink.
I couldn't take anymore as she took a gulp from it and moved over to stand before her,
"Well? Leah, what happened? Is he okay?" Her cheeks puffed as she held the water in her mouth, her eyes studying me before she swallowed. She turned and put the cup down before rubbing her hands roughly across her face, her fingers tugging through her hair, staying clenched a few inches from the roots when she spoke.
"I'm not going to be your messenger, Ness, or his. You two need to figure this out on your own." I tried to keep from rolling my eyes when I nodded. I didn't want her to be my messenger, but I did want her information, the rest I was determined to handle alone.
"That's fine, whatever. I just want to- I mean can you just tell me what's going on? What you told him? Is he still here?" Leah's eyes had fallen shut but they darted open at that last part, a few deep creases appearing between her eyebrows.
"Of course he's still here. Don't be ridiculous." I felt a great relief wash over me. Whatever happened now, I could face it myself. I could see him, face whatever punishment and take all the anger and accept it was what I deserved. "And I told him … I dunno, I told him everything I guess." With a wave of her hand she gestured in the direction of Sonny and the others and shrugged. She looked exhausted.
I could tell, now more even than before that Leah couldn't do this much longer. Her mind and body were crying out for her to be normal, for her to stop phasing forever and retire to a human life. Sadly, that would be impossible for her while she was living with us, she couldn't stop if she lived with vampires. "I think you two just need to talk. You need to solve this yourselves."
Her words, though true, were slightly daunting for me.
This was real, this was happening. This was crunch time and the stupid mistakes I'd made we're coming back around I had to face them. I had to. For Jacob. Whatever the consequences.
I turned, meeting the expectant stares of everyone else and forced a nervous smile, they at least had to think this wasn't tearing me apart inside.
If I couldn't stay strong for them how could I do it for Jake.
I decided the longer I waited here and stewed on what I'd done, what he'd say, how he'd look at me when I saw him, the weaker and more nervous I'd get. I had to go now.
With a deep breath I moved for the door.
"No." Oz growled deeply from the other side of the room, "You can't go out there on your own." Cora dashed over to where I was, pulling the door open with one hand and placing the other at my cheek as she planted a kiss on my head.
"Of course you can, sweetheart. You'll be fine. Everything will be fine, Nessie." She stared deep into my eyes, her gaze full of reassurance and love.
"Stop it, Cora. You know she's just going to get upset again." Oz moved forward this time, and the fury was back across Al's face as he spoke.
"Ignore him, Smee. You go. Everything will be okay."
"I'm not saying she doesn't go out there, Al. But this is going to be hard for her and I don't think she should go alone." Brice stepped forward then, his tone holding calmer than Al's and Oz's.
"She's not a child, Oscar. You can't do this for her." Oz grimaced and released a long groan of frustration. His eyes took me in and then moved to Sonny who had wandered over to the fatigued Leah and wrapped his arms around her. His eyes seemed to drop when he saw them, and I think he knew what I did.
He couldn't keep Sonny here much longer.
"I'll come back, Oz." His eyes darted back to me when I spoke, "I promise." I wasn't sure which thought Oz was clinging most to, but I think I caught onto a few of his logics. He may have presumed that once I saw Jake again every person in this house would be forgotten and I would just run off into the sunset with him. In my mind that was impossible, I didn't even let my mind hope too much that Jake would even want me with him ever again after tonight, it might not happen. Or maybe he was most scared of a repeat of what he had seen the other day. He had appeared so shocked when he saw me crying on the bed, perhaps the thought of me curled up on the forest floor, ripped apart by the consequences of breaking Jacob's heart was what was most unsettling to him.
Maybe I would need someone to literally find me and scrape me up from the floor. Perhaps what I had done to Jake really would destroy me. "An hour." I pushed the words from my lips, half of me screaming in disagreement, disgusted about the restrictions being set before me. But I'd learnt before now that it was what came with being loved. We protect those we love to protect ourselves. I had to accept it for the gesture it was instead of flying off the handle over how much it agitated me. "If I'm not back in an hour … then you come get me okay?" There was a stabbing inside me, a created sample of what it may feel like, what pain may bring me to my knees soon.
Cora watched me closely, and then nodded at the same time Oz did.
"Here," Al strode across the room, unfastening the watch from his wrist and placing it around mine. When he was done he held on tight, staring deep into my eyes and smiling slowly. "See you soon, Smee."
{--}
I couldn't run, my body refused to allow it. All I could manage was a stroll as Jacob's unmistakable scent guided me through the trees. I was scared, so scared that it twisted at my stomach and dried out my throat. But there was acceptance, the knowledge that whatever was to come, could not be fought as I had laid the path to this end myself, wandered along it too long and now the outcome had to be faced.
The peaceful excitement was the one I battled with. I didn't allow myself to feel the blind sighted joy that came with the knowledge that this was not a dream, this scent on the wind was not conjured by my imagination.
Jacob had found me.
I caught the first sight of him through the trees and everything inside me leapt. Seeing his human face was so different than what it had been like to face his wolf one. The wolf-Jake was my companion in play, as well as the beacon of protection that lit up the dark and frightening first few months of my existence.
The human face however, represented everything else.
He was more beautiful than I remembered, so beautiful it made me weak. And he was different. Not just in the way his hair had grown, it was to his shoulders now, he just was different. When I realised it was impossible to describe how, I found it was the eyes through which I perceived him that had changed, not he himself.
The way he looked made me feel different too. Just to look at him still prompted the same giddy warmth it did when I was only a few months old and he would walk into a room, spot me and then lift me into his arms. But now that warmth pooled in the pit of my stomach and sent a euphoric sensation from the tip of my toes to the top of my head.
Even when our relationship had changed, I hadn't felt this.
The first time I'd kissed Jake was after my first day at school after a long summer break the year my growth had been declared at an end. I'd missed him so much that the day dragged, each second ticked by like the monotonous drop of water from a barely leaky tap. During the summer we'd spent every night and day together, doing everything and nothing and not caring because we were together. That was what my life with Jake was, I needed nothing else when he was there. After that day at school, though not much different from any other time I had been apart from him, I felt such a relief when I was back with him again at the garage he liked to busy himself in behind the house. When I burst through the doors his smile was not enough and neither was his smell or his touch when he wrapped his arms around me excitedly. I wanted to kiss him. It was what my parents did, my grandparents and my aunts and uncles. It was what some of the kids did at school and what everyone on TV seemed to be doing. But I didn't want to do it because they did, I wanted to do it because my body and mind screamed for me to and because I loved him so very much.
I remember that when I did, I didn't ask. I just did it. I pulled from his hug and rose on my tip-toes and let my lips met his gently.
How presumptuous that seemed to me now. I had treated him like a possession, never assuming he would not want me to do it. Perhaps he didn't. I had kissed Jacob many, many times since the first, always the initiator. Perhaps he just let it happen because he had to if that was what I wanted.
The pleasant constriction in my stomach could not hide the nauseating feel of self-hatred at that thought, of the silly possessive child I was. And ultimately, still was. Even as he stood so still, his eyes wide and unsure, I wanted to assert that wrongly assumed allowance and just kiss him.
I forced my feet to stop a few yards from him and felt my insides swirl as I studied his face.
He was everything; my undoing and my making, my strength and my weakness, my joy and my pain. Everything I needed in the world lay in his eyes and for the first time in a long time, I remembered why I left. Because he had given me too much for me to be able to bear taking anything from him, and whether it was me or not, I would do anything to provide what he needed. I'd suffer through anything for him to be happy.
For a moment the silence was fine, silence was safe and in the silence I could pretend there was nothing to face but me and him forever. My mistakes or what had changed in our time apart mattered not, because he and I were stood in the same place. But I'd gone past thinking about me all the time, I didn't deserve silence and the belief all could be forgiven and forgotten.
When I pulled the air through my lips they shook, and of all the words I knew not one seemed fitting. No matter how many of them I strung together it wouldn't be enough, it wouldn't describe how I felt.
"Jacob, I- " When I pushed out the first sound Jake's eyes were hidden with a quick blink before he rushed forward. Before the memory of the wolf attacking me in my dream could consume my mind his arms wrapped tightly around me.
I was struck by the warmth of his body as it came against mine, even through his clothes I could feel the exhilarating comfort of the temperature that matched my own as I dissolved into his embrace with a whimper.
So many times I'd dreamed of just this and now that it was real my body pulsed with awareness of everything about it. I buried my face as deep into the base of his neck as it could go and pulled the smell of him in deeply through my nose. He smelled so unbelievably glorious that the mysterious tightening in my stomach increased. Both his hands were at my back and they pulled me tight up against him as mine held around his neck so that my feet hovered a few inches above the ground, my whole body floating deliriously.
My fingers wrapped through his hair, it hadn't been this long since I was a child.
"Oh, Nessie." I felt his chest vibrate as he spoke and the sound and the feel of his voice sent a breathy whimper from my lips and all the strength seemed to escape my body as I sunk further into him. "I love you so much." At those words everything rushed through me in one explosive beat and I felt tears shudder up within me.
Jacob Black loved me.
This I had always known, this he had always told me, chanted it everyday but never losing the feeling and the depth behind the words. Now, after so long it stirred such joy and strummed the burning love that raged through every inch of my being for him. And it hurt, so much it hurt.
My arms dragged heavily in protest as I unwrapped them from around his neck and brought them to his shoulders, pushing away until his arms dropped from around me quickly. As our bodies moved apart the front of my torso stung with the loss of his heat.
I couldn't look at him as I took a few short steps back, my eyes fogging with the thick build up of tears until the earth beneath my feet was a blur.
Jake's breathing was heavy as he stayed quiet for a moment before mumbling, "I'm, I'm sorry."
I bent at the stomach and bit down hard on my bottom lip as the tears began to stream from my eyes and my body shook,
"You're sorry?" I looked up and my heart throbbed at the sight of his face. So sad and lost. Where was the smile that brightened everything? I had pulled my sun from the sky with my actions, covered my world with darkness by putting such sadness into Jacob's eyes. "Why are you sorry? You're not the one who should be sorry, Jake. Me … I … I left you!" The sobs made my words shaky and the pitches irregular. His head shook, his full lips parted slightly but no words fell from them. "Yes! I left you. Without a word, just a stupid little note where I listed the things I didn't understand because I didn't have the decency to just talk to you about them." My bottom lip quaked and I swallowed back another sob, "After all you've ever done for me I ran away like a stupid, selfish little child."
Jake grimaced, his lips pulling into a look of disgust.
"I should have told you. I should have told you everything not leave you to fund out from some strangers. That was my mistake, not yours."
By now the frustration was mounting. How could I have never noticed this before? How submissive he was, why was he taking the blame when this was all my fault?
"Jacob, stop it. What I did was wrong, I should have come home and talked to you about it. Not disappeared and dragged you all the way out here to find me, not put you through all this." My fingers flexed as they memorised what it was like to hold him moments ago. He was smaller, only by a fraction but he was thinner, enough for me to notice the change. I though about the beaten, exhausted wolf in my dream. How far must Jake have travelled and with what food and rest. He did look a little tired, when I noticed it my insides wrenched. And what pain must he have been through. Had the agony Leah had told me about been with him this whole time. "I should never have done that, Jake. I should have never let that happen." The thought of him in pain brought me one that was nowhere near enough. I deserved a hurt that would bring me to my knees for this.
"You left for a reason, Ness, and that reason was my fault. I deserved it. It doesn't matter."
As he finished the desperation and frustration boiled within me, exploding with a push of my legs as I leapt onto his torso.
He crashed to the floor with me landing on top of him, my legs falling either side of him and my palms pressed firmly against his shoulders as I screeched,
"Stop saying that! Of course it matters. It's not all about me Jake, no matter what some stupid invisible force leads you to feel you matter." I sucked in the tears through my nose as they started to push forward again and my screeching dissolved into deep sobs. Jake just stared up at me silently, his eyes still and focused. "I left you. You should hate me, you should be mad at me and tell me how selfish I was for doing something so unforgivable to you. I want you to hate me, Jake." Part of me needed him to hate me. I needed to know it was possible and that he was not just my ragdoll to do with what I please.
"I could never hate you, Nessie." He whispered, and I choked a screeched grunt through clenched teeth as my palms slammed his shoulders into the ground and I screamed,
"You have to, Jake. You have to!" Before I could react one of his arms pulled from beneath me and he caged a wrist in his fingers, holding it against his shoulder as his torso lifted and he rolled us over quickly.
With him above me his stare was all the more affecting as it narrowed into a more severe expression at his features, the tightening in my stomach was back as his legs positioned between mine and he steadied himself with one hand above my head, the other still pinning my wrist to his shoulder. The feeling became so strong and so dizzying it felt like I'd melt into the floor altogether.
His breathing was as rapid as mine, his breath hot against my lips as his hovered just a few inches above.
"I will never hate you." He growled, the sensation of the sounds against my skin causing my legs to move involuntarily and tighten around his. "There's nothing you could do …" He trailed off, his voice falling to whispers as the hand that held mine began running tantalizing caresses up and down. "Whatever happens, Ness, all I care about is your happiness. And if that means … if you want me to go, then I will, and you'll never have to see me again." His expression was so sincere that my chest burned, he was truly serious.
I couldn't fight the shake of my head or the whimper that passed my lips, there wasn't enough strength or will in my body to fight it anymore, I had to keep him.
"I would never … why would you think I wouldn't want you here?" His eyes lingered around my lips, not meeting my eyes and his breath was so warm as it danced across my chin the tips of my fingers rolled, digging in gently around his side.
"You have a new life now. You left to keep me from it but … but I followed you, I'm so sorry." I felt strain build at my face as I fought to keep the sobs back as the tears blurred my eyesight. His face alone broke my heart; the exhausted sadness that plagued his eyes.
"Of course I want you with me. If being away from you has taught me anything, it's that. I love you, Jacob." His breath tickled my face as it fell quickly through his lips and when his eyes squeezed shut a tear fell from one of them. The sight of it shook my entire body; I'd never seen my Jacob cry before. I'd never even imagined he would so the sight of it now crushed me.
With the desperation to remove all his sadness taking over I pulled my hands to his face, burying my fingers in his hair I lifted myself to meet him and pressed my lips at the base of the glistening trail that had made its way down the dark skin of his cheek.
I lingered, feeling the salty taste at my lips and felt Jacob's chest moving against mine as both our breathing patterns picked up. Slowly, and only slightly I pulled away, the tip of my nose trailing along his cheek and our foreheads together as I moved until I came to the point where our eyes met. His were open and I could see my own reflected in abyss of his wide pupils, framed by a circle of the deepest brown.
The sensations in my stomach erupted when Jake pushed his lips against mine. I gasped and my fingers encircled the strands of his hair as my head fell back against the floor, pulling him with me so that the kiss was never broken. It was different to any before. Any kiss I'd ever stole from him had been gentle, gloriously innocent but with all the love in the world behind it. This one was hungry and possessive. I could feel the desperation in his lips as they moved with mine, it was reciprocated and I let all the pain of the time we'd spent apart poor into it.
I could not help the unfamiliar sound that came from me when Jake took my bottom lips between his, my fingers tightened in his hair and the grip my legs had as they wrapped around his only increased. Though he supported his weight with the palm he pressed into the earth beside my head I could still feel as some of it weighed down on me, his heat mixing with mine until it all rushed to my face in one dizzying gust.
I pulled him closer, tasted him and breathed the scent of him in. After all this time it was so real and so raw, he was perfection to me and though I now knew and appreciated that he could never belong to me and that I would never want him to, I needed him. Not every second of every day, that would be wrong, but I could not live a life without him anymore. As I moaned into his mouth and pulled him even closer I wondered if I would ever have figured that out if I had just stayed in Juneau.
Jacob was bound to me. I'd tried to stop it, tried to free him from it but I couldn't. He could not be freed ... and neither could I. Cora was right, there was no choice. He had no choice but to come here and I could not send him away, I didn't want to.
When the urgency and need in the kiss dissolved it filtered down into gentle caresses and he rolled on his back so that I could lay in his arms. I knew that this could not be all, I would apologize everyday for eternity for what I had done, and if he grew tired of that and wanted me to stop, I would. But I would never stop trying to make it up to him. I had reached a whole new understanding of who he was to me, a new plane of appreciation for his existence and I would honour that everyday. But for now we just lay in silence beneath the stars which were only peripheral as all I could look at, all I could see, all that existed, was Jacob.
The abrasive buzzing broke through the peaceful silence and made me jump. The watch at my wrist was screeching, and for a long moment I had no idea why. What was time, and what purpose did it serve in the world of only me and Jake? The little timepiece rung regardless, the digits at it's face's reflecting in the moonlight.
"Oh!" When I remembered I reached up and squeezed at the little buttons around it, not stopping until an unknown combination silenced it.
"Oh?" Jake's fingers were in my hair, twirling the curls through his fingers as I whispered.
"I have to go back to the house." Our eyes connected in silence for a moment, and inside I chanted loudly that I had promised. I had given my word and in order to maintain the calm that existed now, I would have to come through on that. Jake's mouth curled into a small smile and he nodded, I ran my thumb lightly across the bottom lip, "I promised. I'm sorry." I screeched it louder. I would go back. I would not stay out here longer and risk trouble.
Jake's lips pursed and kissed the tip of my finger before spreading into a wider smile,
"Leah did mention the fact the forest would probably be where I'd be sleeping for a while." I lifted my head and dropped it in my palm certain if I kept it resting on Jacob much longer I would never move.
"I could try and ..."
"No, no, it's fine. I don't mind." I smiled. I didn't like the thought of him out here alone, but I also didn't like the thought if having to ask for anything else just yet. I leaned in to kiss him goodbye and his arms came tightly around me, his breath in my ear as he whispered, "Promise me you're not a dream, Ness. Promise me this is real." I clung to him as he said it, my thought mirrored in his words. What good would words be as a promise for this, I knew well that dreams could conjure such haunting realities it was impossible to believe them as anything else until you were thrown awake. My fingertips trailed his neck on their way to his forehead, my palm coming across it gently before I sent my promise as deep into the pit of the place those false realities came from as it would go. Jake's eyes fluttered closed and he smiled, "I've missed that."
{--}
The door of the Mausoleum was already open, and without dramatics I pulled it to close gently behind me. Every eye followed me as I entered. Sonny and Leah sat on the couch, he with her arm around her and both of them patiently observant. Cora and Brice were at the kitchen island, their expressions were less of one watching to see what may happen, more of concern of what has and will. Then, at the centre stood Oz and Al, varying appearance again. They both appeared calm, or at least were trying to. Indecision and uncertainty made Al's eyes appear heavy and had his lips curved slightly down. It was keeping Oz's fingers clenched at his sides and exposing stress at the base of his neck.
Indecision and uncertainty were dangerous things. I, more than most, knew that.
It can lead to irrational decisions where the emotions are fresh and confusing and powerful.
Things need time, things need consideration and processing. This I had learned.
So, still just before the door I smiled gently at them all and said,
"Good night." Then slipped away from their answering silence up to my room.
Despite trying to busy myself with getting ready for bed I could not help but listen to what was happening downstairs. The silence had lasted a while, no one had moved even. With only a few words, Sonny and Leah went off to bed and the other four remained quiet as I climbed into mine.
A strange sort of peace rushed through me.
There was no pain, little worry and a thrill that made it difficult to keep my eyes closed let alone sleep.
After a while Cora silently slipped up the stairs, hovering in the doorway to peer in, only moving when she had discerned I was awake.
"I thought you'd be asleep by now." I just shook my head. She came to sit beside me and smiled, "Is everything alright?" I took in a deep breath, pausing to feel the sensations of my body. For once it was almost weightless, not quite, but almost. There were still regrets and fears. There were still things I had to fix. But Jacob, my Jacob was just outside. The smile that spread wide across my face could not be fought, setting one equally sincere across Cora's lips. She leaned down and kissed my forehead, stroking my brow and whispering, "Sleep, Renesmee. Tomorrow is a new day." As she pulled away she smiled, reaching to pull away the comforter that sat at the end of my duvet. I thought to ask as she took it with her when she left, but instead decided to remain embalmed in the calm she had managed to wrap me in.
Tomorrow was a new day.
One that would signal change, it had to. It could not be like Leah with Jake. He could not simply join the coup and live with us in our little bubble. Jacob was my life. Everything about it was in his eyes. He'd lived it all with me … almost. He was my tie with my family, and I could not look at him everyday and not think of them, wonder where they were, feel a tug to find them.
Everything would change, it had to now.
Sonny and Leah would at some point need to go and live out their mortal existences in peace. Everyone had to go and live their lives now.
As with every night, Sonny's heart beat was what I clung to. It gave me more peace than the comforter Cora had just taken ever could.
Though it would hurt me to leave him, even if it was for the shortest time, seeing him grow and live out his life with the heartbeat that lay beside him now would make me just as happy as everyday we'd spent together in the cabin and the Mausoleum.
Change was coming, it just needed a push.
The cool air tickled my lips as I blew it out deeply. I felt nervous now, scared of the future and the decisions that would start it off. Excited too, but to leave the security that had been built around me here was daunting.
It made me more awake than ever to think of it. I couldn't sleep while I had so much to think of, I didn't want to sleep on the eve of change.
{--}
My stomach was tied in sensations as I cautiously pulled open my bedroom door. I couldn't smell or hear any of them too close by, but being around Cora so long, I knew better than to trust my senses.
My legs quaked, they complained of constraint and restriction.
I really wanted to run. To feel the wind at my face as I headed in no particular direction, just for a while.
When nobody was to be seen, I pulled back into my room and changed. Pyjama shorts or jeans; it was all the same to me. But if any of them saw me running around in just my pj's, I was sure it would make them panic more. So I dressed just in case.
The sharply luminous clock at my bedside table read 4:30.
Al had always said I was like clockwork when I slept. He was right, most nights I'd always be thrown awake strangely close to 5:30. And Al was always there.
I chewed at my lip. Tonight he might not come. After everything that's happened he might not think he needs to … he might not want to. But if he does, and I'm gone, he'll panic. He'll tell them all and then they'll panic. At the thought of Oz finding out, and who his blame would fall directly upon I fished a pen and paper from deep inside a draw.
Al,
I've just gone out for a while to stretch my legs. I'm fine, everything's fine I just really want some space for a little while so I can think and then come back here and sort everything out with a straight head. Please don't tell anyone unless you need to. I'll be back before Sonny wakes up, so they shouldn't notice.
I twisted the pen through my fingers, it felt cold, it wasn't enough.
If you're reading this it means you came to check on me. If you're reading this it means that you appreciate that what's happened over the past few days takes nothing from the months you've helped me, made me laugh, and been the only person who could make me feel better when I cried.
You've seen my mind, Al. You know all this. You know what you mean to me and you know that you saved me in so many ways.
You know it, but I've never said it;
I love you, Al.
Nothing in the world would ever change that.
I'll be back soon.
Smee.
I felt the need to run more than ever as I wiped a tear from my eyes and placed the piece of paper on my pillow. The last time I'd written a note like that, it had been a goodbye. This one felt very different; more a beginning than an end.
Before I left I strapped the watch to my wrist again, I would be back before anyone could worry.
The only exterior window in my room was tiny, but with care I managed to squeeze through it and hop down. I hit the ground running, heading in the direction I rarely did. Not down the hill at the house's front but straight into the thick woods that started only a few meters from its back.
My legs pushed into the surface quickly and forcefully, working out the built up need for exercise that had come since I had hunted.
I felt stronger than I had ever before. Though I could not smell Jacob on the wind I knew he was close. And the knowledge that I would see him again soon soothed the slight discomfort that rose up in me, the tie of our bond being pulled more taught as I ran.
He needed rest. I kept telling myself that.
Werewolves liked to sleep, they really liked to sleep and as the first light penetrated the dense black of the sky I knew that Jacob would not have been getting enough over the past months.
I tried not to think of him out alone in the cold. I knew it would not affect him, just like it would make little difference to me if the Mausoleum was suddenly void of a roof or walls. But I still didn't like the image, or the thought of when the last time it would have been that Jake slept anywhere but outside, or even when he'd had any company.
I pumped my arms and threw myself in the direction of various obstacles, in clearing them managing to take the edge off of the excess energy that always came when I fed. The sooner it was gone the sooner I would be more balanced, perhaps even able to sleep.
As my mind hung to that idea, my body began to see its appeal. My limbs felt heavier and the buzz dissolved sharply. It had been what, three days since I'd slept? Though I didn't feel exhausted, nor did my eyelids droop, my body did yearn for some rest.
For a moment I thought of turning back, running quietly to where Jacob was and curling up beside him to sleep. The thought of resting my head on his chest as I had so many times before, of being as close to him as I was last night, had my feet almost zipping back around of their own accord.
No. I couldn't. Soon, but not now.
I couldn't just go back to normal straight away with Jake. I wanted to, so badly but it would be a lie. I wanted to earn his trust back, show him how sorry I was but I also needed him to understand that I had changed. I'm sure he had too, and I was not prepared to rush back into the fantasy of what we were together when the reality still had to be dealt with.
So where could I rest?
I looked at the floor beneath my feet; it was damp with the morning precipitation and did not seem wholly appealing as a place to relax my emotionally exhausted body. But I knew of one place that was.
One place that even in thought was soothing. It would be quiet and comfortable and I would feel safe there to rest and face whatever dreams followed me with the confidence that I could handle the problems they expressed. My legs pushed in the direction I had not travelled in a long time, in search of refuge.
{--}
The cabin had not changed.
I stood for a moment at the edge of the thick mass of trees that slowly thinned as they headed in the direction of the small, wooden building.
Despite the misty silence of the morning I could hear so much. Hear Sonny's grunts as he wrestled with Al out front, the distinctly deep rhythm of Brice's laughter and the whoosh of the leaves that signalled Oz's arrival home.
I walked towards it slowly, admiring the homely wildness of the greenery around it. Moss had turned the roof partly green and the colour was made bright by the shards of early morning lights that darted through the leafy canopy above.
It was much smaller than the Mausoleum, that was for sure. I smiled when I thought of how it was quite fortunate we had moved since the family Brice had founded had gone through quite the expansion recently.
As I passed the last of the trees I shut my eyes and lifted my chin so that I could pull a deep breath through my nose.
I coughed and gagged when I did so.
I was not met with the familiar sent of the cabin's old wooden walls like I had been expecting, instead I was bombarded with a scent I had struggled with since a child.
I found the smell of gasoline so strong and so disagreeable that it even gave me some discomfort to ride in a car. Sometimes I'd catch a whiff of it in Jake's garage or on Rosalie's clothes. Oil I was okay with, but gasoline had me burying my face in the seat of any car I was in when it came to heading to a gas station.
I just hated it.
Faced with it's stench so strongly on the morning air now I was wanted to run as far from it as I could. But this was the cabin, not a gas station. This scent did not belong here. Despite the churning at my stomach my curiosity won and I walked slowly forward.
{--}
The inside was choking.
I pushed the front door open slowly and an onslaught of the suffocating stench hit me. Everything inside appeared untouched through my narrowed eyes.
Oz and Al hadn't bothered taking much when we left as the Mausoleum already had all we needed. But would they have wanted to torch the place?
I pulled my hand from where it was pressed over my nose and mouth and drew in a deep breath.
As I coughed I could discern that the scent was barely aged. When I pushed my finger against the cushion of the armchair closest to me it came away moist, the thing had been soaked with gasoline. As had the floor. Dotted trails and splatters twisted about the place and I frowned. Who had done this?
Slowly I moved into my room but did not find the inviting bed I had hoped to rest in. It was still there, it lay overturned, its thick structure lay broken in half. Dropping to my knees beside it, I ran my fingers across the carved detail of the headboard and felt so sad. The shapes and intricate patterns shaped into the wood were committed to my memory from the hours of sleeplessness I had spent looking up at them.
My eyes were near watering at the painful smell that fogged the house, but I felt a sadness that would prompt different tears at the sight of the bed Oz had carried home for me, the first sign that he felt anything but powerful dislike towards me.
My attention was pulled quickly from the memory when there was a noise behind the wall.
I felt my breathing halt and my heart rate pick up as I held and listened. Silence.
Slowly I rose to my feet. It could have been a trick of my mind. So many nights, as I lay in my now broken bed I would listen to the sounds of Sonny through that wall. I would hear him as he turned in his sleep and the gentle, familiar thrumming of his heart. It would make me happy because he was safe. Perhaps the shuffling sound I heard from the room formerly occupied by the one I held as my baby brother was nothing but a vivid memory.
Unsure, I took one look back at my broken gift and walked from the room.
Beside my door were the three wooden steps that lead to Sonny's, and nothing but silence lay behind it.
I could hear nothing but the sound of my own body and the creak of the wood as I lifted my foot onto it. My breathing was shallow in an attempt to avoid the battery of discomfort that would come from what was around me, but the thump of my heart was stronger, faster than usual, and its velocity; a sign of fear, only made that fear stronger.
My head shook slowly; my mind seemed to disagree with the reaction of my body. There was little to fear, I'd only ever been safe in this house. That noise I'd heard could have been anything … or nothing. The sound of the wind reverberating off the window or a woodland creature who'd made Sonny's former bedroom it's own. This fear was merely the result of my emotions being left so tender and wild after the past few days.
With a clench of my fingers and a firm nod of my head I shoved open the door, my feet remaining planted at its threshold as it swung, revealing all that was inside.
My heart reached new speed as my eyes neglected all but one area of the scenery. All was as it had been left, Sonny's bed against the wall along from where I stood. But it was the figure that perched on the side of the bare mattress that drew my attention, and seemingly drew my heart to begin to thunder in an attempt to jump from my chest altogether.
His back was to me, his wide shoulders clad in a black shirt and his bright copper hair hung messily below the neck. There was no movement as my heart beat harder for escape.
The figure didn't turn, but I knew the face.
It had haunted my dreams many times.
Thanks to all reviewers, all of whom I haven't been able to reply yet because FFnet decided to FF me over these past couple of days.
The floor is open and the end is nigh so say what you gotta say lovelies, I love hearing from you ....
Gina.
