I wake up the next morning to find Dez and Trish lying there, sprawled across the floor. I didn't realize that they came to me last night. I'm such a mess.
I look over at the piano. Where everything right, went wrong. Our song about escaping your fears corrupted from the irony. I can't escape my fear of losing Ally. What if the surgery goes wrong and she isn't okay? When can I see her? I need answers.
I stand up and make my way over to the piano and sit. I reread the lyrics she wrote for me. For us. "I know the struggle it is to be scared, I know how badly I want to believe, that some day I'll be free from my own fears, that I can let it all go and be so free. But chasing my fears is one thing, and letting them go is beyond me. I don't have a clue where to start, but, I know I'll be fine if you're with me."
But Ally's not with me. She's at the hospital, sick and cold. And I'm here. She's not with me and I'm not fine. Letting my fears go is beyond me when I didn't even know I was afraid to lose her.
I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her.
I start to cry again. I hear Trish stirring so I quickly and quietly leave the practise room and go downstairs to the store. I look around, reminiscing. I can almost hear Ally telling Dez and I for the first time, "No eating in the store". But I did anyway. I can hear her cheering for me at my first live performance. I can hear the way her voice cracked at my album release party when we played the slide show for her. If we couldn't let her leave then, how are we supposed to let her leave now.
All of the sudden I feel arms around me, and I look up to see Trish there, hugging me. I hug back. I can't do this anymore. I can't be strong. I can't be positive. I can't be me. There's no me without her. There's no Austin and Ally without Ally. There's just Austin. Just me. And I can't do it with just me.
A little while later I get phone call from Mr. Dawson.
"Austin," he says. "She's awake for now. They're prepping her for surgery in about 2 hours. Get down here." I hang up, tell Trish and run. Trish immediately runs to Dez.
Eventually we're there, waiting to be admitted. Mr. D comes out to greet us and quickly takes us to her room. The door's closed, so he whispers, "don't be abrupt. Don't startle her and try not to upset her. I know it's hard but try at the very least." We nod. He gestures for us to go in.
"You go in first," I say to Trish and Dez. "I want to go in last." They go in.
After what seems like an eternity, they come out, teary-eyed but happier. I brace myself and creep in.
"Austin?" Ally asks. I almost melt at her voice. I have to stop walking in order to stop myself from crying. "Austin? It's too dark, I can't see you. Are you there?"
I take a deep breath. "I'm here, Ally." I sit down beside her on the bed. I take her hand and squeeze it gently. We sit in silence for a while.
"Are you okay?" she asks.
I chuckle. "You're asking me if I'm okay? Ally, I'm not the one who was rushed to the ER."
"I know that," she laughs. "But you seem tense."
"Of course I'm tense."
"Why?"
"Ally!" I exclaim. "You were trembling cold in hot, summer weather. You fainted in my arms. I had to tell your dad you weren't okay, I waited for hours and hours just to find out if you were okay. I find out you need surgery. I'm trying my hardest to keep it together but I can't. I can't face my fears." My lips start to tremble.
"What fears can't you face?" she asks.
"The fear of losing you," I answer quietly.
She's quiet for a long moment. "I'm sorry I scared you," she says finally.
"There's no way I can make it without you."
"Do it without you."
"Be here without you."
"Exactly," I say. "I realized that I don't say thank you enough or tell you how much I love you enough and I'm sorry. I need you, Ally."
"You love me?" she asks.
I get up to leave and I kiss her forehead. "I love you."
