Chapter 16

I sat on my bed and opened to the first page. It was the day before the first day of first year. He talked about how he was really nervous and so on. In the next entry, he talked about meeting Ella and me. There weren't many entries from our first two years at Hogwarts, and then around third year, he began to get more detailed. He wrote about the Hogsmede trip around Halloween when I'd gotten frightened and clung to his arm, and how it'd made him happy. He didn't know why.

Fourth year was full of nasty comments directed towards James. He went on about how James was a terrible match for me, and how he was glad James ignored me, even though it made me upset. He was so jealous!

The beginning of fifth year was relief that I didn't like James anymore, followed by more anger at James for not leaving me alone. Then there was an entry from the night James tried to kiss me under the mistletoe. It read:

Orion just told me that Mae snogged James tonight under some mistletoe. Why did mum have to put mistletoe all over? How could my own brother snog my best friend? And how could she do this to me? I don't feel like writing anymore.

The next day said:

She didn't snog him! I should've known she wouldn't do something like that. I shouldn't listen to Orion.

I felt awful for not knowing half the things he wrote about. I had been so blind to his feelings. I read on and found the entry from last Valentine's Day.

I can't believe it! I was so close to telling her how I felt, but then Ella came and ruined everything. She was right there, we were alone, she read my poem… I can't tell her now. The perfect moment I've been waiting for is gone. Ahh! I'm so stupid! She kept saying how cold she was- I could've used that as an excuse to casually put my arm around her… Idiot!

He ranted for awhile. Then it said:

Just gave her the necklace I bought her in Hogsmede. She loved it. I might've told her then, but she looked sort of uncomfortable. I just couldn't do it. Oh well. I suppose I can wait a bit longer.

Later, Al briefly mentioned how James wasn't obsessed with me anymore. Then came the row:

Thursday

Mae met some bloke named William and she's gone head over heels for him. She just met him, for Merlin's sake! She says she's not going out with him, but I saw the two of them give each other "the look." Then we had a row. Well, it was mostly me yelling at her. But I'm too angry to feel bad right now.

Friday

I didn't talk to Mae all day, and she still forgave me. I feel a little better now, but she still thinks we're just friends. I sort of said it was alright for her to like Will. I could've told her then, too, but of course I didn't. I fear that now I won't be able to. I suppose I've made the choice between hurting Mae by making her uncomfortable or hurting myself. It's not her fault at all for causing me pain. I shouldn't have told her that- er, yelled that at her. Although I don't think she knew what I meant.

Saturday

I saw Mae and "him" out walking today. And when she came back in she told Ella and Rose all about it. I suspect she still is; I left after she said they had a study date in the library. What's so great about "him" anyway?

Sunday

This morning "he" whisked Mae away while we were going to the Great Hall. She didn't come to breakfast, so I went to see what happened. Mae never misses breakfast unless she's ill. It's her favourite meal, and she always wakes up hungry. I know. She's told me before. Because I'm her best mate and not the "gallant" Will, as I've heard her say. I don't take her on breakfast picnics and then snog her in the corridor. I know this because I saw them. I didn't really mean to, and I wish I hadn't.

You see, I was minding my own business of seeing where Mae had gone off to when I heard them talking. Then there was a pause- a long pause with no walking- so I looked and saw him kiss her. It felt like I was punched in the gut. I could feel anger boiling in me and it was like I was paralyzed. I was angrier than I was when I yelled at her on Thursday. It was a bit frightening, actually, when I think back on it. But at the time I just wanted to smash something, namely "him."

I came back here and my fury left suddenly. I feel very tired right now. It's hard to keep the biggest secret of my life from the very person I want to tell so badly. But I won't because she's so happy right now. That's the very important thing. I kind of wish, though, that he'd break her heart and she'd cry and I could hold her and make everything alright… That's not going to happen any time soon. I'm bracing myself to face that fact. There's a long, miserable time ahead.

I was a bit embarrassed at finding out Al had witnessed my first kiss, but mostly deeply saddened. All that time. All that time, he'd liked me. Fancied me. Maybe even loved me. And I'd had no idea. He didn't tell me because he was nervous, or, even more graciously, because he was so conscious of my feelings.

I thought on all this for a long time, and then I read on.

Tuesday

I was alone with Mae for once, but then these three girls bombarded me with questions and she left. They wouldn't stop talking, and all I wanted to do was get away from them, back to Mae, where we could have peace and quiet. By the time we got back, though, I was quite angry with her for abandoning me, so I didn't want to talk to her. I came up here instead.

Wednesday

April Fool's Day. What a fitting day for me, what with me being such an overall fool at life.

Thursday

One of the girls who attacked me on Tuesday attacked me again, only this time she was by herself. Her name is Claire. She seems to really like me. She's alright, I guess.

Friday

I have a plan. I'm going to ask Claire out. I have several reasons: one, she's very pretty and really nice; two, it'll keep my mind off Mae; three, it might even make Mae jealous. Then she'll see that she secretly likes me… Right. Well, the first two make sense, at least.

Saturday

Told Mae about wanting to ask out Claire. She was really excited, and not at all jealous. Oh, and Claire said yes.

I scanned through recounts of our days spent alternating studying with spending time with our significant others. Al seemed to really like Claire. I came to the entry from the last day of fifth year.

It was the last day of school today. On the train Claire broke up with me. So my brilliant plan has come to an end. When I told the girls, Ella didn't really care, Rose went all sisterly on me, and Mae didn't seem happy or sad. She's still infatuated with Will. Anyway, now the whole family is staying at the Burrow for a welcome-home feast, and I decided to ask dad about Mae. He said I should talk to Uncle Ron, since that's exactly the sort of thing he went through when Aunt Hermione was just his friend. So that's what I'll do.

Later: Just talked to Uncle Ron. He wasn't much help- he told me what I already knew, but I guess that means it still might be the right thing. He said I shouldn't do anything to jeopardize our friendship unless I know she feels the same. Which is what I'm doing. And he also said that he survived years of this same feeling, so I know I can, too.

I read past Al's explanation of what he did over the summer, and then:

We're meeting everyone in Diagon Alley today. I have mixed feelings about seeing her for the first time since summer holiday started. I hope she doesn't bring Will. That would be too much. Mum's calling me- time to go!

Later: I can barely contain my happiness right now. Firstly, Mae is even more beautiful than before. What is in that American air? Anyway, another good thing is that Will wasn't there. Know why? Because she finally dumped that stupid git! Well, actually, we did see him in Diagon Alley; that's how I found out. So now that she's not seeing him anymore, maybe she'll notice me. I mean, she notices me but I mean I want her to notice me. Er, never mind. I'm off to practise Quidditch with James. Girls like athletic blokes, sometimes, don't they? Well, in any case, it can't hurt to improve, can it?

By now I was reading rather fast, mostly scanning for my name and reading the entries that it was included in. I soon found this:

Saturday

Just had our big game against Slytherin. Mae had her eyes on me the whole time. I knew more practise would work! And then, after the game, she gave me this big hug and then- well, it was kind of awkward, actually. We just stood there for a moment and then I said, "I'll meet you back at the common room," which I think she took to mean everyone but I really meant just her…

Thursday

Erg. At dinner my hand brushed Mae's and she just laughed. I was hoping she might, I don't know, suddenly come to a shocking revelation and turn to me, and we'd both lean in and… never mind.

Tuesday

I had a dream about Mae last night. I told her it was about all of us playing Quidditch, but that was a lie. Want to know what I really dreamed about? Well, I'm writing it down anyway.

In my dream, I was lying on the couch in the common room, the one next to the fireplace, and it was really dark except for the fire's glow, and no one was around. Then she came, as fair and lovely as ever. She gave me the look I've pictured in my head for years, the look I long for her to give me but she never has. The way she used to look at Will. Anyway, in my dream she gave me the sort of look that mixes wanting with something else I can't really name. And she came over to me on the couch and she bent down and her soft hair brushed my face. She was really close, and then… she kissed me. I put my arms around her and we kissed for ages. It was paradise.

Then I woke up. I was angry. I don't know how much longer I can endure this. I'm preparing myself to tell her. I have to. Otherwise, I might explode from bottling it up for so long. I think I'll start hinting that I'm in love with her.

Wednesday

No luck.

Thursday

Still no luck.

Friday

We're more than a month into our sixth year at Hogwarts, and I've fancied Mae since third year, even though I didn't realize what it was until later. So far she's liked James, James liked her, she's gone out with Will, and I know for a fact that a few other blokes fancy her currently (although I rather doubt she's aware of that). I'm starting to go mad with this longing.

There were almost two weeks in which he talked about the things he'd tried in order to show me how he felt. It wasn't until recently that I'd had even a small suspicion, but I never knew it ran this deep.

Wednesday

In Potions I stopped Mae from putting the wrong thing in a potion and I held her wrist for a long time and later she caught me looking at her and she made me turn red. I can't believe I could resist blushing for all this time. It's easier to just let it rise to my face instead of holding it back like I usually did. I also can't believe she still makes me blush after being friends with her for so long.

Then, to my amazement, I read something addressed to me.

Mae:

Please don't think me a coward for not telling you sooner. That couldn't be further from the truth. I've been thinking of your feelings all along, preventing me from confessing. So now you know. If you don't care for me as I care for you, then I will pretend this never happened and we shall stay friends. I've kept this inside for so long, though, because I always hoped there'd be a chance you loved me, too.


If you like the story or have a comment, please review! I would love feedback! All Harry Potter characters belong to J. K. Rowling. The rest (aka Ella, Mae, and such) are mine.