The Assignment
Quick A/N- this whole chapter takes place in "present day"… The previous chapter took place 5 months prior… things are going to be a bit fuzzy but all will be revealed in time!
-Present Day-
"We've been meeting for awhile now, Bella." The man stated as he adjusted his glasses on his face before placing his notebook down and really looking up at her. "You've admitted that you made some mistakes and that you had an affair."
Bella nodded her head softly feeling a blush creep on her cheeks as she bowed her head.
"I've told you this is a safe place; there is no need to be embarrassed." He said, running his hand quickly through his hair before continuing to speak. "I think the core issue that needs to be addressed is not that you had an affair but why you had an affair."
"You've told me that your relationship with Mike had no passion, no spark, that you were numb. Is this correct?"
"Yes," Bella confessed clearing her throat softly as her eyes scanned the room.
"But you felt that passion and spark with Edward, am I correct?"
"Yes," Bella admitted "I loved him, I love him."
"I have a bit of an assignment for you to do until next time," Dr. Parker stated softly. "What I would like you to do is write all down your thoughts and ideas for the next week and we will talk about them. Is this alright?"
"Yes." Bella replied softly.
"I want you to be brutally honest with me. If you're not comfortable with me reading them I am fine with that, but I want you to have another outlet to get these feelings of guilt out of your system."
"That is fine." Bella agreed taking the small notebook and running her fingers along the edge of it.
"See you next week Bella."
--
Entry 1-
I miss Edward. I know that it is a cowardly thing to say, that you miss someone but I do. My heart aches for him and I long to see him again. I know now how terribly I have messed everything up for everyone but I just can't help but have this hope that somehow in some way he still loves me too. I find myself wondering throughout the day if he is still happy. I can only hope that he is.
Alice still asks about him, it touches my heart that she remembers him so fondly, it helps to remind me that everything that we had wasn't just a wonderful dream. I can't help but feel guilty for bringing someone into her life only to have them be yanked out so suddenly. I know she is young and doesn't understand but I hope that one day she will.
Alice truly is the one bright spot in my life lately. I don't know what I would have done if Mike would have won the court battle. The thought of it is inconceivable and I can't bear even questioning 'what if?' I really don't even want to think about it.
Entry 2-
Angela visited me today and I finally admitted to her what has been going on. To say she was surprised was an understatement but I need to be honest with people and I need to stop feeling guilty. I should not be ashamed of what Edward and I had, I understand that now. I am blessed to have found someone whom I love so profoundly and who loves (loved) me as well.
I realized today how truly horrible everything is and how truly alone I am now. I cried in Angela's arms as I explained to her what happened. She held me tight while I fell apart .Towards the end I was able to admit something today that I would never have been able to acknowledge before. I understand better now the motives behind why I did what I did.
I loved Mike, at least in some part of my brain I think I did. What we had was comfortable, yes, and also easy. Things with Edward were so different, so moving, and so vibrant. For the first time in a long time I felt alive. I could feel again.
Dr. Parker asked me once why I thought it was that I had an affair. My answer is simple. To feel.
Entry 3-
I've been thinking a lot about how I got myself into this situation and how I am going to get myself out. It isn't something that I can just snap my fingers and it is instantly fixed.
Emily Dickinson once said "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all."
I refuse to give up hope and I refuse to believe that somehow I have ruined everything. I have scrutinized every action I took and mistake I made and things seem so much clearer now than they ever have before.
I love Edward with all my being. This is my truth. I have probably loved him far longer than I am willing to admit, if I am being honest with myself. I keep picturing the day he told me he loved me. The way the words sounded as they rolled off of his tongue, the way his eyes darkened as he told me. This is my truth now; this will always be my truth.
Everything seems so much clearer. I know what I want now, what I need.
Entry 4-
What I want seems so simple, but yet so completely out of my reach.
I want to be able to smile (I think I have forgotten how) and actually mean it, to be happy for others without some tint of jealousy. I want to be able to walk hand in hand with the one I love and not feel like I am all alone.
I don't want to keep secrets from the ones I love. I want them to know everything about my life, every blissful moment and every heartbreaking day.
I want to love someone and have them love me in return. I want every joyful moment and every fight, because they will only make us stronger.
I want to feel alive, to feel passion and fire.
I want Edward.
I know what I need to do.
Special thanks to my beta meluvpirates! Thanks to all of you who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites! I haven't gotten a chance to respond to all of you who reviewed but I am planning on trying to get to them soon! Quite a few of your reviews made me chuckle or smile!
