Disclaimer: Not even a little bit is mine.
A/n: Thank you all for reviewing!
As Easy as Pie
A story by Ryeloza
Part Two: Revenge
Chapter Two: Tests and Teasing
"What do you mean you're not coming home?"
"I mean I'm not coming home," said Karl. Susan pulled the phone away from her ear and glared at it for a second. When she stopped personifying the object to be her husband and actually listened again, Karl was just yammering. "…legal things. All night. Big case."
"Are you a caveman?" she shouted. "Speak in complete sentences."
Karl laughed—actually laughed. "I'm working late. I got a huge client today and I have a lot of documents to go through before I meet with his wife's lawyer tomorrow."
This wasn't entirely unusual. Karl had pulled late nights or even all-nighters at the office before, but today Susan was mad and frustrated enough to believe that he was doing it purposely. As if he knew what she had planned.
"You are…just…you…"
"Settle down, cavewoman. I know it's one less night with me in your bed, but you'll survive somehow."
"That's not the point!"
She could practically hear Karl's shrug of indifference. "My money makes your world go 'round, Susie Q. So deal with it." The phone clicked in her ear; the jerk had actually hung up on her. Apoplectic, Susan threw the phone at the rose petal-covered bed and let out a shriek. This was completely unfair. All of her friends were going to get their husbands to give in and have sex tonight and her idiot husband was going to win this bet by default. And then he'd go back to being the horny bastard he always was and she wouldn't even have the chance for revenge.
Susan groaned and flopped down on the bed. Nothing ever went her way.
Lynette shaved her legs.
It was one of those foolproof tests designed to see if Tom would pass—in which case she would probably be naked in the blink of an eye—or fail. Honestly, the latter didn't exactly seem like an option; she didn't think there was any way he could resist her, whether or not the bet actually existed.
Since the kids were born, shaving her legs with any kind of regularity had gone the way of putting on makeup and doing her hair. They were treats deserved for a rare night out or a special occasion or an intimate night in. Nowadays, shaving her legs might as well have been an explicit invitation for sex and it was a signal that Tom was well aware of.
Lynette gave herself one last look in the bathroom mirror. She'd played up the natural curl in her hair and put on a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top, going for sexy, but not over-the-top and she'd definitely succeeded. With a cunning smile, she flicked off the light and walked into the bedroom.
Tom lay in bed, one hand slung lazily over his head and his eyes glued to the television. Deliberately, she walked in front of it and grabbed a book she wasn't even reading before crossing the path again on her way over to the vacant side of the bed. When she finally glanced at Tom, she wasn't all surprised to find his eyes tracking her every step. Although otherwise he hadn't moved, it was obvious that he was suddenly much tenser.
Quickly clicking on the lamp on the nightstand, Lynette climbed into bed and subtly inched closer to Tom so they were pressed together: arm to arm; hip to hip; leg to leg. Without a word, she opened her book and started to read. It was some romance novel that Susan had lent to her over a month ago. Lynette had borrowed it on a whim, perhaps distracted by the shirtless man on the cover, but she'd never gotten around to reading it. Of course, she didn't really plan to start now.
At an agonizingly slow pace, Lynette began to run her leg along Tom's, making sure to drag her calf up and down his shin. Casually, she dropped her left hand onto his upper thigh and rubbed her fingers in small circles. Tom let out a shuddery breath and she fought a satisfied smile. He was putty in her hands.
"Did I kiss you when you got home?" she asked, still not lifting her eyes from the book.
"Yeah. Of course."
"Hmm. Was it a good kiss? You were gone for three days. That deserves a good kiss."
Without giving Tom time to respond, Lynette firmly grasped his chin and turned his head toward her. He looked a little nervous—almost shifty—but definitely turned on. Closing her eyes, Lynette leaned up and captured his top lip between hers, taking her time as she kissed him. When she finally pulled back and smiled up at him, she was pleased to see that his eyes were still closed and his lips still parted. Any second now he was going to push her down on the mattress and tear her clothes off; she could feel it.
"Welcome home," she said softly.
Tom brushed her hair behind her ear and quickly pecked her on the cheek. "I really love you," he said, and he kissed her again, almost chastely. "You want me to drop the twins at preschool on my way to work tomorrow?"
Lynette pulled back, honestly shocked. "What?"
"It's Friday. They have preschool, right? I'll drop them off." Tom patted her knee and then slumped down in the bed and hit the power button on the TV remote.
"Are you going to sleep?" she asked incredulously.
"It was a long flight. I'm tired and I have to work tomorrow." He shut his eyes, completely blocking her out. "Goodnight."
For a second, Lynette thought about hitting him with her book and telling him that she knew everything—this scenario was too ridiculous to be anything other than a desperate need to win some stupid wager. Fortunately, Gaby's encouraging words of revenge came back to her and she forced herself to calm down. This was just a warm-up. She'd get even. There was no doubt about that.
Mary Alice sat up in bed knitting. Her husband was slouched down beside her reading the newspaper. It could have been a scene from a hundred other nights of their marriage except that instead of wearing her comfiest pajamas, she'd actually put on a little white nightgown. Of course Paul being Paul, he hadn't even noticed.
The sad part was that she knew that this wasn't because of a bet. It was just the way things were now.
She and Paul hadn't had sex in over two months.
It was something she hadn't told her friends. Between Gaby and Susan and Lynette constantly half-joking, half-complaining about their husbands' sex drives and Bree's utter discomfort about discussing sex, knowing that her husband no longer desired her wasn't something that was easy for Mary Alice to admit. She'd given Paul every signal, every green light that any other guy would have taken advantage of and what did she get? Nothing. She just couldn't understand it.
Lately she'd thought that it was because Paul felt claustrophobic at home. He worked from home as often as he did at the office so they were together more than a lot of couples. She'd been trying her best to encourage him to get some space from her and have some down time. And this was the result: a bet that he purposely wouldn't have sex with her. A bet that he was sure to win because she was pretty positive that nothing she did would have the slightest affect on Paul's sex drive.
The thought was equal parts embarrassing and depressing.
"Did you read this?" asked Paul, jolting her from her reverie. "This fluff piece about the little boy who saved those kittens?"
"Oh. Yes."
"That's adorable. Look at those fluffy little guys." Paul held up the paper so she could see the small black and white photo of a boy with three kittens. Mary Alice was fairly certain that this was the least sexy moment of her life. "Maybe we should get a cat."
"A cat?"
"Sure. Zach will be going to college in a few years. It'll be nice company to have around the house." Paul shrugged. "Just a thought."
Mary Alice nodded, all the while fighting the urge to cry.
There was a time where Rex couldn't keep his hands off of her. Bree could remember it clearly. It was back when they were newlyweds—days she remembered as full of joy and laughter and nothing worse than one poorly made pot-roast. What was strange, though, was that she couldn't recall one thing that she did differently then that had made her irresistible to her husband.
She stood examining herself in the mirror. She was a little older, but she didn't think she'd changed too much in physical appearance beyond being more polished now. That could only be seen as an improvement. Her lingerie was still sexy but tasteful. And she certainly still enjoyed sex.
So what was the problem?
Bree shook her head. This was ridiculous. Just because she and Rex weren't having sex constantly like a couple of randy teenagers did not mean that their sex life wasn't healthy. Not every man was as pathetically insatiable as Karl Mayer, after all. She and Rex were mature. That was all.
Firmly convinced that nothing was wrong, Bree confidently strode out of the bathroom. Rex was already lying in bed, turned on his side away from her, so she cleared her throat loudly. Slowly, her husband rolled over to look at her.
"Rex," she said, "do you want to have sex tonight?"
Rex's eyes widened slightly in surprise and he gave a little shrug. "You know I'd love to, honey, but I've got a long day tomorrow…" He trailed off as though that was enough of an explanation. Bree struggled to keep her smile plastered on.
"Oh. Of course. Some other time then." The words were absurd as they came out of her mouth; like she was scheduling a lunch date and had to take a rain check. As Rex gave her a tight smile and rolled away from her again, Bree actually let herself droop in disappointment. Maybe Susan and Gaby were right. Maybe there was a bet.
And maybe she was going to have to be a little more aggressive to get Rex to give in.
Gnats were annoying. Buzzing around making a nuisance of themselves; pestering people with a dedicated consistency: it was textbook obnoxious behavior. And Gabrielle had every intention of doing the same thing to her husband. There was no doubt in her mind that the bet existed and that Carlos was in on it, but the fact that she'd found out about it was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. She was slowly going to break him down until he admitted what was going on and then, at that moment when he wanted it most, she was going to deny him. He had no idea what he was getting into by making their sex life a game—Gaby, better than anyone, knew how to use sex to get what she wanted.
She was starting simple. When she'd gotten home from the poker game that afternoon, she'd stripped all the bedclothes and taken every clean sheet in the house and ordered Yao Lin to wash them all. Of course the idiot had protested, claiming that the comforter would never fit in the washing machine, so Gaby had forcibly stuffed it in, getting it soaked enough that it was still sopping when Carlos got home. He was late, again, of course, but she was waiting up for him, lying in bed in her sexiest red lingerie and pretending to sleep.
Gaby heard the bedroom door open, she sensed through her closed eyes when Carlos turn on the light, and she honestly grinned when she heard him say, "What the hell?" A second later he tugged on her foot rather insistently, and she slowly feigned waking up.
"What the hell, Carlos?" she said, purposely echoing his words. "I was asleep!"
Carlos ignored this. "Why is the bed stripped?"
"Yao Lin was doing laundry," Gaby snapped, still trying to sound irritated. "I told her the comforter wouldn't fit in the washer and dryer, but she insisted. Of course it's still soaked."
"Okay, fine," said Carlos through clenched teeth. "But where are the sheets? We have extra sheets, don't we?"
Gaby shrugged. "All in the laundry. What's the big deal? You're always complaining it's hot in this house anyway."
Carlos didn't answer as he stormed toward the bathroom. For the next several minutes, she heard him clamoring around, even going so far as to unceremoniously throw his clothes out of the bathroom door at one point, and then the shower started. As if a cold shower before bed was going to save him. She grinned. It was nearly twenty minutes later when her husband finally emerged in his towel; Gaby was lying on her side again, but her eyes were watching his every move. When Carlos finally clicked off the light and got into bed wearing more clothes than she'd ever seen him wear to sleep in, she gave him about two minutes to settle in before scooting over and draping herself over him: her head on his chest, her leg resting between his, her arm wrapped around his torso.
"This is the best part," she murmured into his t-shirt. He smelled fantastic and she actually took a second to enjoy their closeness. "Now you can't complain that you're too warm to snuggle."
"But I am!" he protested.
"Aw, then let's just take off some of these clothes…"
"No!" Carlos stopped her hand before she lifted his shirt more than an inch. "No, it's fine. You're fine. I'm fine. We're fine."
"Oh good." Gaby nuzzled closer to him, making sure to press her breasts firmly into his side. "Well goodnight."
Carlos only whimpered in response.
