CHAPTER 12 – TRUST

The voice on the phone was another she had never heard before. Rick waited in the car, but he could hear most of what she said anyway. She was arguing with whoever she was talking to...

We've been compromised, there was someone there!

Well of course it wasn't recorded, they got in without setting the alarm off! But I know someone was in there.

I just know. My instincts are why I'm alive.

Go back? You have to be joking. They'll kill us both.

There is, okay. It's not safe.

I don't care if the orders are from the queen herself, I'm not taking him back!

Insubordination? Come on, whatever your name is, I can't just go back and take us to our deaths.

My decision? What about the back up?

No information? How can you have no information? I was told 3 days ago that they would be on their way.

Then I can't take him back. I'll be in touch again, but right now I just have to get him somewhere safe. My orders were to do that and they came from someone higher up than you.

I don't believe this is from 'the top' – whoever the damn top is. Tell them the safe house is compromised and I'm taking him somewhere that isn't.

I don't care if that's not the information you have, just tell them!

She slammed the phone down.

"Did you get all that?" she asked Rick as she got back into the car. He nodded.

"So what'll we do?"

"I have some money, and a supposedly untraceable credit card. We'll have to find somewhere to stay... somewhere out of the way. And then we'll have to move on in the morning."

"As in, a road trip?"

Sierra laughed. "Yep, you could say that."

"Where'll we be going?"

"Doesn't matter really. Away from New York."

"Can we go to LA?"

"Seriously?"

"Why not? Good long road trip..."

"You're an idiot. But, fine. I'll keep calling in, when the backup comes we might end up going somewhere else."

"Sure. But, can we boost another car and get some more clothes?"

"I think that'd be a good plan. But in the morning. I just want to get a roof over our heads for now."

"Will they have traced us?"

"I doubt it; we haven't done anything traceable except that call, and that should be either."

"You don't seem to trust your company very much."

"I don't trust anyone."

"Do you trust me?"

Sierra looked at him. "It doesn't really matter."

"But do you?"

"I..." She was stumped. If she said yes, she had a feeling she would be admitting to a lot more than just believing that he told her the truth. But if she said no, he would be hurt, and she would be lying. Rick waited for her to continue but she didn't. Instead, she started the car again by touching the wires together, and pulled away. Rick watched her eyes, but he could see only darkness. He told himself they were just reflecting the darkness of the night sky, but he knew that was wrong. He felt to blame – if he hadn't been stubborn about Sophia, if he had trusted her when they first met... He was the reason she was in danger. He didn't care if it was her job, he was not going to let her die because of him.

They arrived at a cheap looking motel on the edge of Richmond and Sierra booked them a room. Rick followed her inside, watching as she swept the place. When she was satisfied, Sierra sat down on the edge of the bed and put her head in her hands. On impulse, Rick sat down beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. She made a half-hearted attempt to shake him off but he didn't budge, and she stopped trying to make him.

"Do you want me to take you back to the safe house?" she asked quietly.

"What? No! Are you crazy?"

"I've been informed that it's completely safe. All I have to go on is instinct. And if I don't take you back, I'm in big trouble with my bosses."

"I trust your judgement. If you think it's not safe, I agree. Will you really be in trouble?"

"That all depends. I have a horrible feeling that... That Sophia can't have been the only one on the inside. We were in a CIA safe house – if there's another mole in the CIA, they would have been able to tell someone we were there. Or there could be a mole in my house, of course, but I... I feel like I know them. But it's entirely possible that I don't – I mean, you knew Sophia."

"Knew as in spent time with."

"You wrote books about her, Rick. You tailed her for over a year – you knew as much about her as anyone."

"But that's not necessarily much."

"Right. So I might well be wrong about my colleagues too."

"I'd hate not trusting anyone."

"You get used to it."

"Really?"

"I don't think I'm a very trusting person even naturally. I'd probably be just as cold even if I weren't a spy."

"I don't think you're cold."

"Then you know me even less than I thought."

"I think I know you better than you know yourself."

"Three days, Rick. Three days – you can't possibly know me."

"I don't think you know you either. You. As in, not Sierra."

"Rick, I am Sierra."

"No you're not."

"I'm not anyone else."

"I don't think you know who you are. But you're more than Sierra."

"Rick, there's no one else I can be. I've been Sierra for eight years, that's just the way it is."

"What happened eight years ago?"

"I was recruited."

"And..?"

"And I became Sierra."

"You're already breaking the rules. Why not break another? Tell me who you are."

"Maybe I don't want to. Maybe you're right and I just don't know."

"You're scared."

"I don't want this to be the end. It seems so... pathetic, being hunted and chased like a frightened animal."

"It won't be the end."

Sierra laughed. "I'm supposed to be the one looking after you."

"Not any more. You didn't follow orders, you aren't doing your job any more."

But the spell had been broken. She shrugged out from under his arm.

"Thank you, Rick. For caring."

"Always."

"You need to use the bathroom?"

"Do you have your toothbrush in your bag?"

"Nope. No toothbrush."

Rick sighed, and went into the bathroom. He came out a moment later with a complimentary toothbrush with toothpaste on it. He held it out to her.

"You can use it first," she said, laughing.

"No, I want it to taste like you."

She took the brush. "You're an idiot."

"Thanks."

"Always," she said through a mouthful of toothpaste and bristles. Rick watched her brush her teeth, and instead of shooing him, Sierra stared him down. When she was done she handed him the brush and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She went to the washbasin and gripped either side of it, staring into the mirror. Who did she see?

She didn't cry, she just crumbled. How was he doing this to her? She took off her vest and shorts, continuing to look in the mirror. She traced the scars that covered her body. They were nothing compared with the scars inside. She turned on the shower to its highest setting, stepped out of her underwear and into the scalding water. It burned her skin but she hardly felt the pain. She wanted to think, to remember who she had been before... before everything. She bit her lip. Did she even know any more?

Rick listened to the shower running. He put the toothbrush down on the counter and swallowed the paste. It had been on for a while. He wondered if she was okay. He tried not to worry, but after another twenty minutes he had to. He banged on the door.

"Sierra?" he called, wishing yet again that he knew her name. There was no reply.

"Sierra!"

There was still nothing. He pounded on the door but the shower kept running. He could hear her taking gasping breaths, but she wouldn't answer him.

"Sierra, I'm coming in."

He'd thought she'd answer that, even just to tell him to go away, but she didn't. He gritted his teeth, took a step back, and slammed his full weight into the door. The lock gave instantly and he stumbled into the room. She was sitting on the floor of the tub with the shower on full blast. The room was full of steam; she had it on its highest temperature! Her skin was red and raw; he rushed to turn it down to cold. She shuddered at the change of temperature but that was her only acknowledgement of his presence.

Feeling very James Bond, he climbed, fully dressed, into the tub with her. He pulled her into his arms, letting the cool water rain down on them both. She was shaking, but not crying. Suddenly she turned her face up to look at him, piercing his eyes like a child looking at something they'd never seen before.

"Talk about role reversal," he said quietly. And she smiled. He blinked. She had smiled. He had made her smile.

"You must think I'm crazy," she said.

He shook his head. "I think you're a person who's been through far too much. And I think it's time you let someone help you."

"It's my job to protect you. I'll be... In the morning I'll be fine."

"Why don't we protect each other?"

She was kissing him before she realised she had moved. He cradled her gently, kissing back, but more out of sympathy than desire. After a while, he gently moved her away, holding on to her wrists.

"Not yet. Not now."

She blushed. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"I'm not. But it... it wouldn't be right."

She had no idea how much restraint it was taking for him to stop. He got out of the tub and turned off the water, then passed her a towel as she got out as well.

"You take the bed," she said gently. "I'll take the couch. And..."

"Always," he said, smiling gently at her.

"I trust you," she whispered.