A/N: So I might be borrowing a title as well as some characters with this chapter... Thanks AWM! Also, the site seems to have been having a bit of a hiatus - for me, anyway. I know you were told there was a chapter 12 but it wouldn't work - I put it up but for some reason it's not coming up in the story. I am very sorry, if you're reading this it must be working now and I hope it wasn't down for too long!
CHAPTER 13 – TARGET
Sierra put her vest and underwear back on and took a spare blanket out of the closet. She lay down on the couch. Rick was still in the bathroom, drying off she thought. His clothes were wet... She closed her eyes and tried not to think about it. She had to get the walls back up; what he did to her could have terrible consequences. She had to be objective, she had to keep him safe.
But she had kissed him! Her lips were still burning. More than anything, she wanted to kiss him again. And again, and again, and not stop there... She wanted everything from him. But it was worse, worse than just wanting his body. She wanted him. She wanted his love. For the first time in eight years, she wanted him to protect her. She gritted her teeth and faced the back of the couch. He had seen more of her than any man ever had. He had seen her broken; he had seen her screaming at night, and now he had seen her crumbling when she was very much awake. He had seen her with no control. And he still wanted to look after her.
No. It was wrong. She would look after him. That was her job. She could not tell him anything. The walls were all she had; if she let them fall there was no knowing what could happen. She might... and she couldn't think about that. She would not go down that road.
She tried to relax, desperate to fall asleep before he came back into the room. It was no use. She wanted him so badly, she needed him... No. She needed nothing and nobody! She was strong, she was terrifying, she killed people for a living, she had been in more fights than she could cound and she always won, she was strong, she was strong, she did not need anything from Richard Castle!
But if they were going to die... She battled with her mind, getting nowhere. They were not going to die. He wasn't, anyway. If she had to die, she would make damn sure her death meant he lived. Wait, what? She would die for him? No, she would die for him because that was her job. And she wouldn't die. She would fight. But if she had to die for him was it really for her job or for him? It was to save the world! He was the linchpin! But... She let out an exasperated sigh.
"You can't sleep either?"
Rick. She'd thought he was still in the bathroom. He seemed to read her mind.
"The door doesn't make any noise now that it doesn't close."
Oh. That made sense. He was getting better at sneaking.
"No. I can't sleep either."
"Never mind. I suppose that means if they're after us there'll be two people to hear them coming."
"Sure. Super vigilance. But you should try to get some sleep."
Rick was a little relieved that she was back to telling him what to do. He hoped she would be okay. He thought she would be, at least for a while. He thought she was the type of person who kept a lot of her problems shut up very tight – something had happened, he was sure. To someone she loved. It was the only way he could explain why she was the way she was. And he thought the stress of the last few days had brought things much closer to the surface than they ever usually came. Now she would push them back down, and she would cope for a while, until she exploded again. He hoped someone would be there to hold her when she did. He wished she would let him in, let him help her. But he didn't have much hope.
And he had just pushed her away! She had kissed him, something he had wanted to do to her since he'd met her. And yet he'd ended it. She would never do it again now. Had he done the right thing? Maybe. She was not in a good place. Going along with it would have been taking advantage. Not that she would have minded. But it would have been wrong. And he didn't want to kiss that her. He wanted to kiss the strong, hypnotic, complicated, fascinating woman he was... No. He wasn't falling in love with her. He couldn't be. He had spent three days with her! You couldn't fall in love in three days. It was impossible. Impossible. He looked over to her, curled up on the couch. She was so beautiful. Even now. Even? Especially. He wanted all of her. He wanted to accept that part of her. He wanted to help her. Yet he had brushed her away.
"I don't want to sleep," he said quietly, in case she had drifted off while he was thinking.
"What do you want to do?"
You. "I don't know. I want to-" he had been about to say he wanted to find out her name.
"You want to what?"
"It's stupid. I've asked enough times."
"You were going to ask my name?"
At least she didn't sound angry. "Yes."
"I like it that you want to know."
"But you won't tell me."
"No, I won't. But I... You're very sweet, Rick. And thank you, again."
"Always."
"What does that mean? I say it too, I... It feels right."
"It means, I'll always be there to do that for you."
"Crazy, then. Because we won't be."
"No. Maybe not. I wish we could be."
Sierra sighed. She did too. "Some things just have to be the way they are."
"Really? When I was little I said I wanted to change the world. Maybe we can do that."
"Everyone wants to change the world. But the world doesn't care. It'll go on just fine without you."
"These people think killing me will change the world."
"True. Maybe you're special."
"Do you think I'm special?"
"I do. But not in the same way they do. To them, you're just a job."
"But I'm not just a job to you?"
"No. You're a person. A sweet, kind person."
"I'm glad. You're a person to me too."
"A nameless person."
"You don't need a name to be a person."
"I think it helps."
"Sure. But you manage without one. Just about."
"I'm glad you think so."
"We could run away," he said dreamily, suddenly changing the subject.
"What?"
"We could run away. We could go somewhere no one would ever find us. Your bosses, whoever's after us – they wouldn't have a clue. We could go someplace safe. And you could be... you."
Sierra sighed. "I couldn't. I have to stay. I have to have my job. I don't know who I am without it."
"You'd have me. You know who you are with me."
"I don't even know where I am with you."
Rick laughed. "I like the wordplay. You're wherever you want. But not when you're having a breakdown and burning yourself with the shower."
"You liked it. James."
"I didn't," he said seriously. "Can you tell me what it was about?"
"It was about... who Sierra used to be. She was being more vocal than usual."
"I take it she's been beaten into submission now?"
"Yeah..."
"Poor thing. What did she do to deserve that?"
"Nothing. She couldn't cope. She wanted to leave."
"Then why is she a problem?"
"Sometimes she isn't so sure that she wants to be gone."
"Do you miss her?"
"She wouldn't cope. She's a mess, she always will be."
"And there's no way to help her?"
"None."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Rick didn't say anything. In a way this was the most Sierra had ever told him about herself. In a way, she had still said absolutely nothing. He closed his eyes and did his best to ignore her. He thought she must be doing the same.
Sierra listened to Rick breathe. She liked being able to hear him. Soon his breathing slowed; he was sleeping. She sat up on the couch; it was under the window and she ducked under the curtains, looking out at the night sky. She couldn't see many stars; the lights from the city were too bright. But she could see the moon. It was almost full, shining brightly, glowing silver against the black. She liked the moon. It was just... curious. There were lots of stories about it, and myths. It was just a rock, it didn't even make light of its own, but it was still special. She thought there was something almost magical about it.
Twenty years ago...
"You're getting too old to need me to put you to bed every night."
"You don't. You're usually at work. And just a story..."
"Alright. Settle down then."
The little girl lay down under her purple bedclothes and smiled as her mother sat on the bed beside her. Johanna smiled at her seven hear old daughter.
"Do you know anything about the moon?"
The girl shook her head.
"Well, lots of people say the moon isn't nearly so special as the sun, because it doesn't make any light of its own. It's kind of grey, and has lots of craters, and sometimes we can't even see it. But the moon is actually far more important than you know."
"Why?"
"The moon watches over us. The sun is too busy making all that light and heat, and he's really quite full of himself, because he's orbited by so many things. But the moon – she's very modest. She orbits the earth, quietly making sure things run smoothly for us. She makes sure the sea does what it's supposed to, and most importantly, she's always there for you at night."
"How?"
"Even when you can't see her, she can see you. Whenever you're scared or afraid, if you're ever alone at night, you don't even need to look at her – she'll see you and keep you safe. She has all of the stars to help her too. And if you ever need anything, all you have to do is pick a star and ask. It might not happen straight away, it might not happen at all. But even if it doesn't, even if your problems stay, the moon'll still be thinking about you, hoping everything turns out okay. And sometimes that's all you need – she cares about every soul, every person on this earth. Being cared about's so important, sweetheart."
"That's sweet."
"I think so. My mother told me that story."
"But I don't need the moon. It's nice, but I have you."
"Yes, you do. I love you."
"I love you too."
Sierra sniffed. She wasn't crying. She didn't cry.
Rick watched Sierra. She looked like a little girl, kneeling up to look out of the window. He was just wearing his boxers, and they were still slightly damp – one of the reasons he wasn't sleeping. He got up and went to kneel beside her, wondering what she was looking at.
"What are you thinking about?"
"The moon," she said honestly.
"What about the moon?"
"Nothing in particular. I like the moon."
"Me too. It's very... glowy."
Sierra let out a giggle.
"What?"
"Glowy? Seriously?"
"Well... it is. I didn't know what to say – you were in a serious mood, I didn't want to..." he trailed off, beginning to laugh with her.
"Your boxers are wet," she said through her laughter.
"I know. But I didn't want to sleep naked when-"
"Gotcha." She had stopped laughing and was staring at him. He stared back, then suddenly reached out to tickle her. She squealed with laughter and fell back onto the couch. He fell with her, continuing his attack.
"Stop, stop!" she shouted. "Apples!"
He laughed, and stopped, but stayed leaning over her, their heavy breathing locking them together somehow. After what seemed like an eternity, Rick moved to get up, but Sierra pulled him down to her again.
"I'm better now," she whispered, forcing his mouth to hers. He didn't resist, and sank into her, releasing the passion he had held on to an hour ago, kissing her as he had never kissed anyone before.
