Realize

"I tried so hard not to notice
I tried so hard not to care
I tried so hard not to know that you're not here
And I am counting down the hours,
And I'm counting up the days
I tried so hard not to show this side of me."
Meiko- Piano Song

Alright so this is another short one… but it is leading up to some really important events and for the next chapter to work I needed to cut it off where I did.

Mood Music: Claire de Lune by Debussy, Piano Song by Meiko, Find Your Way Back by Michelle Branch

Present Day-

"Should we talk about the events leading up to you coming to see me?" Dr. Parker questioned as Bella made herself comfortable in "her" chair.

"It was all a big misunderstanding. I just needed to clear my head."

"How was it a misunderstanding? Explain to me what happened that day, what caused you to panic?"

"I felt like my world was falling apart. I just needed a bit of time to comprehend everything that had happened, everything that was happening. I was so lost and confused. I just needed to feel like I could breathe again."

"You had a panic attack."

"I'm not sure. Everything just seemed so dull, so lifeless, I felt like I wasn't really living anymore. I was just going through the motions of living and I needed something to shock me out of it."

"So you tried to shock yourself out of it."

"In a way, Yes."

-One Month Prior-

Bella could hear a dull pounding on the door like someone was trying to break in. Rubbing the back of her neck with frustration and stress she slowly picked herself up off the floor. Looking in the mirror she wiped the tears from her cheeks and tried to rub the tear stains off of her face.

Bella tried to ignore the tingling sensation that lingered in her legs as she slowly massaged her red eyes straining to clear her vision. Leaning on the counter she splashed cold water onto her face and slowly turned away from the sink.

"Bella," The voice called loudly through the door "I swear to god Bella if you don't open this door I will get someone to take it off."

She thought about how she was going to explain the thoughts that were currently racing through her mind. She wasn't even sure if she could voice them.

"I'll be right out." She called softly her voice cracking. Sitting in a dark bathroom, crying over the past wasn't going to help her. Taking a deep breath she leaned her head against the door, before slowly unlocking it.

"Oh thank god." Rosalie cried her hands running through her hair. "You scared the shit out of me. I thought I was going to have to call the fire department to take down the god damn door."

Bella couldn't help but notice the relieved expression on Rose's face and she instantly felt guilty.

"Are you okay?" Rosalie asked her voice filled with concern.

She felt her head nodding slowly and she knew she was lying, not only to Rose but to herself. Rose pulled her into a hug and the guilt intensified.

"I haven't been completely truthful with you Rose." Bella's voice shook as she ran her hand through her hair nervously.

"Okay." Rose stated questioningly. "I can get someone to watch Alice and we can talk?"

Bella knew she needed to talk to Rose, but first she needed to think.

"I think I'm going to go for a drive to clear my head first." She whispered. She could see the confusion on Rose's face and she instantly felt bad. "I promise I won't be too long. I just need to breathe."

"Are you sure you are okay? You don't look too good."

"I'm fine, Rose. I promise I will be back soon. I just need to think."

"Alright." Rose whispered in confusion. "If it's what you feel like you need."

Bella nodded her head softly, making her way to the living room and grabbing her coat, quietly telling Rose that she would be back shortly. The confusion on her face made her question if it was the right move. Ignoring her instincts she walked to the driveway and hopped into her car. The silence felt welcoming.

Bella found herself driving without really paying attention to where she was going. Everything around her looked familiar but she couldn't pin point her destination. The tears slid down her cheeks as she listened to the silence in the car.

She could picture Edward and she tried to shake the image from her mind. Her whole existence felt like it meant nothing without him. She was lost. She still had the letter he had given her, tucked away in her room, and she had looked at it more than she was willing to admit.

Her body began to heave for oxygen and she found herself slamming on the breaks. Pulling into a parking spot she looked around in front of her, suddenly realizing where she was. The park spanned out in front of her, teasing and taunting her.

Slowly, Bella made her way to the place she had been avoiding, knowing it was now inevitable.

--

Bella sat in the grass, her fingers running through the blades. Words flowed through her mind but nothing seemed adequate. How could she explain everything she was thinking, feeling?

Her world was changed. She replayed the phone call she had received over and over in her mind, finding no true way to express what she was feeling.

Bella's phone rang incessantly next to her head and the sound was annoying her. Rolling over she grabbed the phone off of her nightstand flipping it open.

"Yes." She growled into the phone, not appreciating getting woken up.

"I'm calling for a Mrs. Isabella Swan." The person asked politely.

"This is she." Bella replied indifferently.

"Mrs. Swan, this Lauren from Dr. Smith's office. I was calling to give you the results of your tests last week. We ran your blood tests and well I guess congratulations are in order. You're going to have a baby!"

Bella wasn't exactly sure what she had said or even if she was polite about it. She thought the words thank you may have passed her lips before she hung up the phone, but she wasn't sure.

She had set up a follow appointment that much she was aware of from the chicken scratch she found on a napkin on the counter.

She was going to have a baby. Edward's baby.

Tears streamed down her face as the realization dawned on her.

She knew the moment the words were spoken whose child it was, it wasn't even possible for it to be anyone else's. Bella knew she should have been overjoyed; it should have been something to celebrate. Instead it left a feeling of panic in her, one that she couldn't explain.

That panic had led her to the bathroom, and now to the very place where she had first realized she was in love with Edward.

Edward's words echoed in her head.

"I know that I can't stop thinking about you and I'm not sure that I want to."

Bella had known from that moment on that everything was going to be different, that everything would change and it had. She looked at her reflection in the pond, her eyes looked lifeless. She would need to take care of herself before she could take care of the baby.

Picking up her phone she dialed the number she had memorized just a few months ago.

"Rose," Bella whispered into the phone "I'm ready to talk now and I think I need your help."

There is a forum on Twilighted… but now there is also a forum on this very site! If you go to my profile and click on My Forums I have posted a forum for people to chat over the story… come in and say hi! You might even get some surprising insights into the characters!

Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You guys are amazing and I love how you are getting into the story as much as I am! Sneak Peek should be out soon (possibly even tonight)!