Without Hope
"I'm a goddam sore loser
I ain't too proud to stay
But I'm still thinking 'bout you
And I'm so lonesome without you
And I can't get you out of my mind
Oh mama don't leave me alone"
Burn- Ray Lamontagne
Mood Music: Burn by Ray Lamontagne, If you Love Someone by Dizmas, and Dreaming with a Broken Heart by John Mayer.
-Present Day-
Edward woke covered in sweat and panting slightly. Rolling over and looking at the clock on the nightstand he realized it was still really early. Groaning, he rolled back over and closed his eyes hoping to fall back asleep. Images of his dream flooded his mind and his heart raced as he thought about it.
It had been two months since he had seen her, two months since he had left her, since he had broken her heart. Sitting up, Edward ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He looked around the empty room before letting out a gentle sigh. The white walls were bare and there was little furniture to distract him.
"Home sweet home." He muttered softly under his breath in disgust.
The small two bedroom apartment wasn't what he was used to but he knew in time he would become accustom to it, he would have to. He listened for a moment to the small child monitor next to his bed, making sure that Emmett wasn't awake. Satisfied with the lack of sound, he leaned back resting his head against the headboard of his bed.
So much had changed in the past two months; his life was completely different now. It hadn't taken much for him to realize what an idiot he was, to realize what a huge mistake he had made. One week after the court case he got a hold of Jacob again.
And what a week it had been.
While he was living with Tanya, he wasn't really living at all. Frustrated with his lack of interest in her, or merely his lack of interest in anything other than the room he was staying in Tanya had kicked him out. Apparently there was a limit as to what she could put up with.
It was around this time that Edward found out that Tanya had been sleeping with a friend of hers from work. While normally Edward would have been concerned by the fact that Tanya had cheated on him, he couldn't even bother feigning an interest. She had apparently gotten over her fear of others opinions because the day he moved out, her new "friend" moved in.
While Edward spent most of his time in a nearly comatose state being taken care of by Jasper, Jacob began the legal proceedings. He was fed bits and pieces of news through a filter by Jacob. It seemed as if Tanya didn't really want the burden of taking care of Emmett and was giving him full custody.
It was the first time he had smiled in months and the first time he had felt hope.
The legal proceedings moved quickly and before he knew it he was signing the divorce papers. The moment he signed his name to the paper he tried to get a hold of Bella. He was more than a little shocked to find out that she had changed her phone number and he really had no other way of contacting her.
Beyond desperation he had also tried to contact her lawyer to no avail.
The hope had faded and he found himself once again slipping into an almost unlivable state. He woke in the morning and worked through his normal routine without little thought or care. If he hadn't had Jasper to help him care for Emmett and to get his lazy ass out of bed every morning, he wasn't sure he could have survived.
Things were changing, though. He could no longer rely on the hospitality of Jasper whom he felt he was taking advantage of. That and after two months of sulking and living a hobbit like existence in his room had shown him that he needed to act.
And act he had.
Not only had Edward obtained, using a nice little chunk of the divorce settlement (he would have to thank Jacob for that), a two bedroom apartment for himself and Emmett but also a job working at the local hospital.
Yes Dr. Edward Cullen was back to work, now in the cardiology department.
While getting a place of his own and getting back to work had certainly helped him move out of the funk that had overtaken his existence, the nights were still hard. It was during the nights, when Emmett was sleeping and there was little else for Edward to do, that he thought of his Bella.
It was easy to imagine that she was as miserable as he was and while those thoughts bugged him to an extent that they kept him from falling asleep, they weren't what were haunting him.
No he was haunted by other images that his mind chose to taunt him with. He was constantly inundated with images of Bella with someone else, in love and happier than he had ever seen her. Her smiling face as she kissed another man.
While Edward knew that he had no claim on her, he had given that up with the letter, the thought of there even being a possibility of her being with someone else killed him. The ache in his heart grew daily and he knew that the only person, the only thing that could fill the void was her.
He could still picture the look on Jasper's face when he arrived, knocking on his door, the day of the trial to pick up his stuff. Jasper must have been able to sense immediately that something had gone wrong because without a word he pulled him into his apartment.
"Edward are you okay?" Jasper asked concerned.
"I'm fine." His voice sounded dull and lifeless and he knew it. There was nothing he could do, that he could say that would make things right. Why even bother making an effort?
"Edward you're scaring me." Jasper muttered, his eyes searching his friends for a moment as his forehead wrinkled.
"I just came to pick up my things; Tanya is waiting outside in the car."
"Tanya? What the hell, Edward. I thought the whole point was to go get Bella back, to tell her how wrong you were. Screw Tanya, let her wait. You need to tell me what the hell is going on."
"Absolutely nothing is going on, Jasper. I've come to get my things and go home to my wife."
"That's bullshit and you know it Edward. You two haven't even been living together, let alone been on speaking terms. Something happened and for whatever reason you aren't telling me."
Edward's hand shook as he reached up and pushed his hair off of his forehead, avoiding looking into his best friends eyes, afraid he would break down.
"Please Jasper; just let me get my things."
Jasper moved out of his way, standing next to the door. Edward could feel his eyes on him as he threw his things into a duffle bag using a bit more force than was needed. Throwing the bag over his shoulder, his eyes met those of Jasper's for the first time.
"I get that you feel like you need to protect yourself, or whatever the fuck you are doing." Jasper whispered. "I know you better than you think; you pushed her away, didn't you?"
Edward stood for a moment before the words began tumbling from his lips. "You have no fucking idea what you are talking about Jasper. Maybe you should be more concerned about your life than mine. Did you ever think about that?"
Jasper's fists clenched tight and he shook his head for a moment before his eyes filled with sadness.
"You've got your things so you can leave now, Edward."
Edward brushed past him, making it to the door before he felt his friends hand on his shoulder.
"When everything falls apart," Jasper stated "when you have nothing left I will still be here. That's more than I can say for your wife waiting downstairs for you."
Edward had slammed the door behind him on his way out.
Jasper had been right, of course, and it was he who was truly there for Edward when he needed him most. Edward knew that he had hurt him by refusing to talk, by refusing to explain what was happening at the time but the wounds of what he had just done were so fresh.
Jasper had been the one to take care of him when he was unable to do it for himself. Not only did he make Edward eat but also made sure that Emmett was cared for. Edward knew that he would never really be able to pay him back for all he had done, for all the things that were unsaid.
It had taken him a few weeks before he was truly able to even speak normally. It took longer to talk of her but he eventually explained the situation to Jasper, going over every detail including the letter. Jasper had sat and listened intently before shaking his head.
"You sure fucked this one up."
"I know." Edward answered honestly.
Jasper hadn't given up on the idea that Edward would win her back and his enthusiasm had only seemed to spur Edward into a deeper depression.
Edward had fucked up. Royally fucked up and he was going to have to learn to deal with it, learn to cope.
He could eventually live with himself. Couldn't he?
If you haven't checked it out yet... I just posted a new one shot titled The Piano, it's a bit angsty and lemony but I kind of like it.
There is a forum on Twilighted… but now there is also a forum on this very site! If you go to my profile and click on My Forums I have posted a forum for people to chat over the story… come in and say hi! You might even get some surprising insights into the characters!
Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You guys are amazing and I love how you are getting into the story as much as I am! Sneak Peek should be out soon!
