Fears

"Forget what you came here for
And you need to see the signs
And you need to stop wasting time"
Stray Dog- Robert Pattinson

Mood Music: Tears and Rain by James Blunt, Desperately by Michelle Branch, and Quiet by John Mayer

Italics are Journal entries! Still Present Day. Today is Robert Pattinson's birthday…. So Happy Birthday Rob! Shots all around ;)

"Let's talk about your homework assignment that I gave you a few weeks ago. Have you still been filling out your Journal?"

"Yes." Bella answered pulling the notebook out of her purse and setting it on the table in front of them.

Dr. Parker looked down at the notebook and nodded before focusing his eyes on hers once again. "We are going to try something different today. Let me know at any time if you are uncomfortable with where this is going."

"Alright," Bella responded softly.

"I want you to read the entry out loud."

"WHAT?" Bella cried, her face burning red.

"It's no different than having me read the item; I'm just hearing it from you instead of reading it. It will help to make you more aware of your feelings and thoughts."

Bella hesitated for a moment looking up at him in surprise.

"It will be beneficial for you. I need you to at least try."

Nodding her head, Bella opened the notebook flipping through the earlier entries before starting on the most recent.

"I've been so sick with this pregnancy, so much more so than I was when I was pregnant with Alice. It just makes things so much harder. I'm trying to work on the relaxation techniques that Dr. Parker gave me to help relieve the stress I am under. Being pregnant definitely doesn't help with that."

"Alright, let's stop for a second." Dr. Parker leaned back in his chair and grabbed his notepad jotting something down. "This entry is very clear, Bella. Do you realize what you are unconsciously saying here?"

Bella scrunched her brow looking at the words in front of her and sighing. "That I am still stressed out?"

"Yes but more specifically a cause of that stress. Being pregnant puts stress on your body, Isabella, it's only natural. But you are letting this stress get to you, work away at you, and it is draining your body. Using the relaxation techniques is a good idea but I would recommend that you do them more often. Stress can be very hard on your body and therefore very hard on the baby, keep that in mind."

He motioned for her to continue reading and Bella flipped the page, choosing a different entry.

Her voice broke as she read the words on the page.

"I haven't told anyone but Rose, Angela, and the doctors about my pregnancy. I'm just not ready to explain the affair, to have other people look at me so differently. I know I shouldn't care what other people think and the fact that I worry about it makes me feel foolish. I hate myself for feeling ashamed, I feel so weak."

Dr. Parker cleared his throat and Bella looked up from the paper, her eyes meeting his.

"I want you to repeat that last line for me one more time please."

"I hate myself for feeling ashamed, I feel so weak." Bella's voice broke as she read through the words, her eyes tearing with emotion.

"Tell me Isabella," Dr. Parker questioned softly "If it is truly others opinions you are afraid of or rather that you will have to face your mistakes?"

Bella looked at Dr. Parker, not moving or speaking. He smiled softly at her as he continued to speak.

"Admitting the mistakes you made means truly taking responsibility for your actions and taking responsibility for your involvement. In admitting those mistakes to others you would have to admit them to yourself as well. In a way it would mean that you had truly lost something that was precious to you."

Nodding quietly Bella looked down, her hands shaking as she processed his words.

"I know this is a bit brutal Isabella. I am not trying to be mean. Only by really truly listening to yourself will you begin to understand why you are so stressed, why you are having panic attacks. I may be a doctor, but only you hold the key to answering those questions. Continue reading please."

"Rosalie got a letter from a Jasper Whitlock who said he was best friends with Edward. He said he desperately needed to talk to her about finding me. When she showed me the brief letter I thought my heart was going to stop. I had been avoiding the inevitability of Edward coming up, of running into him, of having to see him again. Having it thrust so abruptly into my face caused me to panic. For the first time in awhile, I feel hollow again."

Bella looked up at Dr. Parker who stared at her questioningly for a moment. "Tell me Isabella, what do you interpret this to mean?"

"That instead of dealing with my emotions, dealing with the end of the relationship, I have been avoiding it. In a way I have been putting all my thoughts and feelings about the relationship on the back shelf and ignoring it. Only when it was thrust into my face did I realize the pain I was still carrying?"

"I think that may be true but I think there is more to it than that. If everything you have told me is true you and Edward shared a unique bond. When you two met it was an instant connection an instant attraction. Using that attraction as a starting point you two formed a very serious and close relationship."

"It seems to me that you two came to each other both broken and tired of the life you were living. In a way you healed each other, helped mend each other. He brought out a part of you that you that you were fighting so hard to release. It's only natural for you to be sad that it ended."

He cleared his throat as he continued to speak.

"It's natural for you to be sad, but you stated that you felt hollow. That's unusual wording, especially for someone who is expecting a baby."

Bella found her eyes narrowing and suddenly her heart was racing. She was angry.

"How dare you insinuate that I am upset about being pregnant! How dare you sit there and judge me based on a moment of vulnerability."

Dr. Parker looked at her eyebrows raised before speaking to her calmly. "I never insinuated any such thing but it's very interesting indeed to see how you interpreted what I said. I was merely stating how unusual I thought the wording was not that I felt you were upset. On the contrary I think this baby means more to you than you are letting on, more than even you are willing to admit to yourself."

He took a sip of coffee looking up to see if she had calmed down before continuing.

"You said you felt vulnerable when you read the letter which is why I am assuming that you panicked. I know from what you have told me that your ex-husband Mike tried to take custody of Alice away from you on grounds that were unfathomable. You also have a fear of sharing this news with other people."

Bella nodded in agreement causing Dr. Parker to smile softly. "This is very interesting Bella. Do you not see how all these things are related?"

Bella shook her head, skimming through the words in the book in confusion.

Dr. Parker pointed to the notebook in her hands before speaking again. "Read the rest of that entry."

"I've been going back and forth for over a month now on whether or not I should tell Edward and I just don't know what to do. Every time I think I have made a decision something happens or I think of him and suddenly feel confused once again."

"What happens to make you second guess your decision? What makes you feel so confused that you question your judgment?" His eyes bore into hers, almost willing her to find the answer.

"I question what the outcome will be."

"What outcome would make you less confused? Why do you change your mind when you think of Edward?"

"Because I want him to be happy." Bella whispered.

"Why wouldn't he be happy that he is having a child? After all he loved you at one point, did he not?"

Bella could feel his eyes boring into her. Flustered by his questions she raised her head, looking at him in confusion.

"I don't know."

"You don't know why he wouldn't be happy or you don't know if he loved you?"

Bella could hear the timer ding and jumped out of her seat, grabbing her things.

Dr. Parker looked at her in surprise before clearing his throat. "I think we may need to go a few minutes over."

"Our time is up!" Bella stated running her hand through her hair and pulling slightly on the ends. "Your next patient is probably waiting."

"I'm willing to run a few minutes late." Dr. Parker looked at the chair, almost willing her to sit.

"I need to go." Bella spoke firmly.

"If you run from your problems they are only going to get larger."

"I will see you next week." Bella stated making her way to the door and bolting from the room.

This chapter is VERY important! Not only does it clear up the question about why Edward and Jasper couldn't get information from Rose but it also goes into detail about Bella's thoughts/fears/feelings which are hugely important for upcoming chapters! If you don't understand what Bella is revealing in this chapter or if you are confused please PM me and ask.

Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile!

Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! I'm home sick with the flu so I hope to have the sneak peek out tonight!