"So, Alfred, do you have anything for us today?"
Another week, another group therapy session, and Gilbert was just as bored as always. Well, perhaps that wasn't entirely true, because something was different, a blue gaze that occasionally lifted slightly to meet his from across the circle. He smiled and noticed the gaze dropping again, but he was pleased to note ears going slightly pink, and Alfred's lips parting briefly before he shook his head, fingers toying with the frayed edges of his sweatshirt cuffs. Gilbert knew there weren't any bandages underneath anymore the scars still remained, little pink lines that only served as a reminder that he knew all too well was more painful than helpful or cautionary. Alfred had joined him for lunch the next day, as he'd asked, but he didn't talk much, only nods and an occasional "yeah" or "mmhm", but it was still nice to have someone to eat with at his little table at the edge of the cafeteria. Matthew hadn't spoken to him again, although he'd seen him trying to talk to Alfred the next morning but the other hadn't said much, looked down at his feet mostly while Matthew tried to talk at him, and Matthew looked more upset than when he'd began by the time he finally gave up and walked away. Still, Alfred joined him for lunch every day since then, and now it had been several weeks and they had a careful camaraderie, and Gilbert had begun to realize that not only did he have a crush on the boy, the boy might have been starting to have feelings for him too.
"No, Miss, I don't have much to say." Alfred said quietly to the group, and Gilbert noticed when he looked up slightly his eyes met Gilbert's alone, he wouldn't look up at anyone else. Liz noticed it too, Gilbert could see her watching them, but she just smiled softly and nodded.
"You mentioned your brother last week, how is he?"
"Ah, w-we….haven't talked much since then, other than a quick greeting every now and then. We don't talk much anymore, we have…d-different friends these days, and Dad always picks me up right away."
"Your father worries for you, perhaps?" Liz said, and Alfred just shrugged, Gilbert noticed the way his nose wrinkled a bit as he looked back down again.
"Ah, yeah, you could say that."
Liz waited to see if he would go on, but Alfred was quiet after that, and so she just sighed softly and nodded, moving on to the next person. Gilbert spent the rest of the meeting as he had been recently, studying Alfred's face, his expressions, every little change and furrow of his brow, as whatever thoughts ran through his head at any moment in time. Alfred was an open book if you knew how to read his expressions, and Gilbert wanted to be an expert-and that was just it, he realized, he wanted nothing more than to learn everything there was to learn about Alfred, to have the boy talk to him every day and be able to come to him instead of a knife with his problems. He sulked down at his feet, toeing the carpet with worn combat boots in frustration-of course he'd have to get a crush on Alfred, exactly like Matthew had thought he would, and he knew the other wouldn't trust him if he learned, but Gilbert had only the best intentions in mind. Same as when he'd dated Matthew briefly, he wanted only to be with him, to hold him and be sappy and shit, but his reputation preceded him and he knew that. He looked up again, pleasantly surprised to see the blond was the one looking at him this time, and it sent a little thrill of hope through him. After the meeting Alfred tried to bolt as he usually did, but Gilbert was faster, and he reached out, touching his arm lightly, the taller starting and turning to look at him. Gilbert raised his hands above his head, smiling.
"Hey, don't worry, kiddo, just me."
"Oh…hello." Alfred said softly, and Gilbert just chuckled, nodding.
"Yeah, hey there, Al-listen, I was wondering if you'd like to hang out, maybe go to the mall or something? You look like a guy who hasn't been out much, and I've got time to kill and an interest in a certain kid with the prettiest eyes I've ever seen, so what'd you say, hm?"
Alfred simply stared at him for a long moment, and Gilbert was starting to regret asking at the almost panicked look on the boys face, but then he surprised him by glancing out the door and nodding.
"Maybe this weekend, i-if you're not busy. Dad doesn't like me going out on school nights, I've gotta finish my homework."
Gilbert wrinkled his nose, fighting the urge to pout at the younger, but he didn't want to cause him problems with his father and risk not getting to hang out with him, and so he nodded.
"Yeah, yeah, okay, I guess I should let you do your homework-but this weekend, okay? You better not jilt me, cutie, promise you'll be there?"
Alfred nodded, and Gilbert's heart skipped a beat-and he'd thought that was only romance novel bullshit, but he swore it did-as a smile curved those lips up slightly.
"Promise, I-" Alfred jumped at the sound of a horn honking from outside, the smile instantly fading as he looked out. "I've gotta go, I'll see you." he said quickly, not waiting for a response before he ran out of the building. Gilbert waited until he was sure he was gone before he grinned, pumping a fist in the air and cheering silently to himself. He heard a soft chuckle, turning, his cheeks turning the slightest pink when he saw Liz standing there.
"What're you laughing at?" He said, huffing, and she just smiled, shaking her head, arms crossed and green eyes filled with what he could only pinpoint as almost pride, in a way.
"Just happy for you. He's a nice kid, but I hope you know what you're doing here because he's also barely holding it together, and you have to be careful. It's my job to see these kind of things, and maybe I should be telling you to stay away, but…I'm willing to let you try, because I know you, Gilbert-"
"-quite well, actually, I remember that one time in your office-"
"-and I know that while you act like an arrogant ass you also have a good heart, and that you might need someone just as much as he does" Liz finished, giving him a look as Gilbert snorted, rolling his eyes.
"Don't give me that shrink crap right now, Lizzie, okay?"
"I'm not saying it as your psychiatrist, Gilbert, I'm saying this as your friend." Liz said softly, looking at him, and Gilbert just sulked back, but he shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, kicking his feet a bit.
"It's not like it matters much anyway, I doubt he'll wanna be with me, I mean who wants a boyfriend who's as crazy as you are? Besides, his brother will kick my ass if I so much as touch him."
"Knowing you, you'll tempt that theory anyway." Liz replied, and Gilbert didn't like the slightly smug look on her face, she knew she was right and oh Gilbert both loved and hated that part of her. He huffed, turning and walking down the hall.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever you'd like to think-see you at the next session, your highness."
"Good luck with the cutie, Gilbert." She called after him, laughing and shaking her head as Gilbert flipped her off over his shoulder, hoping she'd done the right thing encouraging him, but somehow she couldn't help but think it was.
—
Gilbert waited at the main entrance of the mall, shuffling his feet nervously-no, not nervous, totally not nervous. So maybe he hadn't been on a date in awhile, and maybe he was actually concerned about screwing something up, Alfred was as Liz had said rather fragile and while he was super adorable he was also not the type to go straight to the bed, and Gilbert had almost forgotten how go at such a slow pace, to actually just have one person who would stay by you. He'd told Alfred the day before at lunch to meet him there at noon, and Gilbert had been waiting since eleven thirty (what if Alfred showed up early, he couldn't bear Alfred thinking he'd not shown up), but even though it was past one at this point he hadn't moved. Alfred was probably just late, that had to be it, maybe he'd forgotten or slept in (those meds did that sometimes, Gilbert knew, made you sleep a lot, he'd slept in plenty of times)-and maybe he was just convincing him that Alfred would show up when he knew that maybe he just didn't want to, maybe he had decided he couldn't trust Gilbert after all. Gilbert huffed, kicking the post he was sitting on with his heels sulkily-he'd wanted Alfred to open up to him, that's why he'd shared the one weakness he had with him, but maybe Alfred didn't agree. He hopped off the post, pacing across the pavement, not wanting to leave but at the same time he didn't want to keep waiting if Alfred never showed. After another fifteen minutes he was about to grudgingly head back to his car when he heard a soft "Gil?" and light panting, turning to see Alfred running up to him, cheeks a bit flushed.
"S-sorry, I-I had to walk, Dad didn't wanna drive me so I kinda had to sneak out and walk…"
"You walked all the way here? Geez, Al, you didn't have to do that all for me, we could've just rescheduled." Gilbert said, looking at him and waling over to him, putting his hands on his shoulders as Alfred just shook his head and gave him a weak smile.
"And leave you waiting? No, I couldn't do that, n-not after you invited me out with you, that would be rude." He said, shrugging and looking down at his feet. "Thank you, for…for inviting me, by the way. I mean, there's lots of other people you could hang out with, but you're spending your time with me instead."
"There's no one else I'd rather spend it with today, Alfred." Gilbert said, smiling and patting his shoulder, looping his arm around it casually as he led him through the doors of the mall. Alfred just flushed, and Gilbert chuckled at the wide eyed look on his face, confusion and a bit of excitement, Gilbert bet he hadn't been out in weeks at least, probably longer knowing how he had been, hell he hardly went out these days either except to get smashed or something, and that wasn't that often anymore.
"So, ah, what did you wanna do? I-I mean, I'm open to anything, if you wanna just walk around and stuff." Alfred said after a moment, and Gilbert was honestly surprised that he'd spoken first, he'd hardly been able to get Alfred to say a word all week. Maybe it was because they were out, not that Gilbert was complaining in the slightest, he was glad Alfred had actually showed up.
"How about we go eat? I bet all that walking's got you hungry." Gilbert said, smiling, adding in a mock stern voice. "And you didn't have to do that, you know, walking all the way here, how far do you live?"
"Ah, n-not that far, don't worry, just a few miles." Alfred said, shrugging a bit and flushing a bit, the flush deepening as his stomach growled a bit.
"How about we get something to eat, then? My treat, for making you walk all the way here just to see me."
"Ah, n-no, you don't have to!" Alfred stammered, but Gilbert just smiled and shook his head, wrapping his arm around his shoulders more and leading him toward the elevator.
"Nope, it's final, I'm buying you lunch and I won't take no for an answer! Now, what do you want today, hm?"
"Ah, I dunno, I mean….I haven't had a good burger in ages." Alfred mumbled, flushing a bit deeper, not used to being doted on, he didn't now what to think of this Gilbert-although that was the reason he was here, wasn't it? Because he was just so curious about the boy who'd been watching him so closely, who'd actually thought he was worth spending a saturday out with. Gilbert just nodded, grinning as he steered him into the elevator and hit one of the buttons.
"Right, we'll go to one of the good places here-no Mc D's for you, kid, we're getting you something better."
"Really, you don't have to go through all that trouble." Alfred said quietly, but Gilbert pretended not to hear, leading him to the A and W that was in the food court of the mall, letting Alfred choose whatever he wanted, the boy's eyes lighting up as he carried his tray to the table, Gilbert chuckling as he started eating, a smile on his lips that seemed far brighter and true than the others he'd seen so far.
"You should do that more often." He blurted without thinking, Alfred's burger stopping halfway to his mouth, head cocking a bit curiously.
"Huh?"
Gilbert's cheeks went a bit pink and he looked down at his cheese curds, shrugging and picking one up, pretending to look at it rather intensely just so he wouldn't have to look up into those brilliant cerulean eyes.
"Smile. You should smile like that more often, it's…amazing." he mumbled, glancing up and was surprised to note Alfred's cheeks were bright red, the younger taking a bite of his burger to try and hide it.
"It's not that exciting." He said, and Gilbert shook his head, looking up at him.
"It is, the way your face lights up-it's wonderful, a lot better than how sad you look these days. I've never seen you smile like that." He added, noticing Alfred biting his lip and setting down his burger and backtracking. "I mean, it's just nice to see you smile, y'know, I haven't seen it much since we met."
"Oh…well, there's just not a lot to smile about these days, I guess." Alfred murmured, and Gilbert felt his heart swell with an emotion he couldn't quite put words to, and before he could stop himself he reached across the table, taking Alfred's hand in his own and squeezing it, smiling.
"Then we've gotta find reasons for you to smile, cutie. Come on, finish your burger, I've got an idea."
Alfred looked at him, looking a bit apprehensive and confused, but he just nodded and finished eating, Gilbert managing to get short bits of conversation from him and that was an accomplishment in itself. When they were done Gilbert led him back down to the first floor, Alfred trailing after him like an (adorable) little puppy, looking around at everything, and then a smile bigger even than the last split his face when he saw where Gilbert had brought him.
"Rides! I used to love this place as a kid, I used to drag Mattie on all the rides." Alfred exclaimed, and Gilbert started to worry when he saw a slightly dark look pass over the kid's face, but he shook it off tugging on Gilbert's arm, the smile still on his face. "Let's go ride something! Come on!"
Gilbert laughed as Alfred pulled him over to the counter to get their wristbands (Alfred insisted on buying his own, and Gilbert let him, not wanting to break this fragile moment of happiness), and then he pulled him over to ride after ride. Gilbert pretended not to notice how casually Alfred would just grab onto his hand to get his attention, or to pull him along, and he thought it was sweet how Alfred clung onto him on the roller coaster (that Alfred said he could totally do but ended up screaming, despite how puny Gilbert thought the ride honestly was), and by the time they finally walked back over to the actual mall area he heard a noise that sounded like the sweetest music-Alfred was laughing.
"Oh, wow, that was really fun, wasn't it? I liked the swings the best, they actually feel like you're flying, they were always my favorite!" He said, another peal of laughter spilling from his lips and Gilbert forgot to even respond for a moment, swept up in the wonder that was Alfred Jones.
"Yeah, it was great, I'm glad you liked it, cutie." Gilbert finally said, smiling as Alfred blushed sweetly, the smile still on his face, and he hoped it would stay for awhile. But after a couple minutes of walking in comfortable silence he heard someone shout Alfred's name, and they both turned, Alfred freezing, and Gilbert put a hand on his arm instinctively.
"Alfred, dude, didn't expect to see you here." One of the boys said, and Gilbert noticed Matthew at the back of the group, so silent he almost hadn't noticed him. Alfred just swallowed, his gaze dropping back down to his sneakers, reverting in an instant to the humble, broken state.
"I….I just…Gilbert invited me." Alfred said quietly, and Gilbert wrapped his fingers around his arm, nodding.
"Yep, and we're actually just heading to the bathroom so if you guys would excuse us-"
"So you'll go with this loser instead of us? Dude, we tried inviting you out for weeks after you got out of the hospital, but you won't even hang with us at lunch anymore." The boy said, looking at him, crossing his arms over his chest. Alfred winced at the words, shaking his head, fingers beginning to fidget with his cuffs, as Gilbert had noticed was a nervous habit of his.
"It's…it's not like that."
"Yeah, right." The other boy snorted, and Alfred's hands started trembling and Gilbert decided that was enough.
"Look, I don't care if you were his friends, you're acting like assholes, and we're going. Come on, Al." He said, steering the boy away, noticing Matthew watching them, but he didn't move after them and Gilbert shot him a look over his shoulder as he brought Alfred over to the bathroom, leaning against a wall and pulling the shaking boy to his chest, not caring that he shouldn't be doing it or that they were in a public place, Alfred needed him right didn't say anything, just held him close, glaring at anyone who dared look their way, until he felt Alfred's body relax a bit, and then a soft murmur.
"I didn't want to stop hanging out with them…Dad didn't want me hanging out with them, 'c-cause Mattie and I shared a lot of friends. He doesn't want me seeing Mattie anymore."
"What? Why would he do something like that?" Gilbert frowned-he was liking Alfred's father less and less with every new thing he heard, and he had a feeling maybe the divorce hadn't been as clean as everyone thought it was, it seemed like there was more going on. Alfred bit his lip, his fingers gripping onto Gilbert's jacket.
"I dunno, he just…doesn't want me seeing Mattie, he says that it's bad for me, he wants me to focus on my schoolwork and stuff, made me quit baseball and football and stuff."
"What a dick move-no offense, kid, but it's stupid, not letting you see your brother? Matt cares about you, quite a lot actually, just because your Mom has custody I don't get why he wants you apart."
"He pushed for her to take custody." Alfred whispered, looking down again, fingers gripping tighter at the worn leather. "They fought about it a lot, before he made her leave, s-said he wanted her to take Mattie, but he wanted to keep me, he's always wanted me to follow his footsteps, be some big hotshot businessman, but it's never been what I wanted to do…"
"Is that why you…started doing what you did?" Gilbert said quietly, reaching down to take Alfred's hand in his, fingers trailing over the thin pink lines, frowning when he noticed one slightly more fresh, but he didn't say anything. Alfred swallowed and nodded, a soft sigh leaving his mouth.
"I…I couldn't take it anymore, Mom leaving and never seeing Mattie, having him always coming down on me to do my work, to not talk to my own brother, or Mom, and all my friends constantly trying to get me to be with them again when I can't. If Dad hears, I'll be in so much trouble…I just wanna see my brother again, I never wanted them to be apart, I loved Mom s-so much, and…"
Gilbert just wrapped his arms around him more, a bit awkwardly, not sure what to do or say as the boy started sniffling and dissolved into tears, so he just held him, rubbing his back a bit and keeping any curious onlookers from looking too long. This was a personal moment, and Alfred deserved respect, not people staring and laughing at his emotional pain, so Gilbert turned around to shelter him from it, hesitating before he pressed a kiss to the boy's temple.
"It's alright, Alfred-maybe it isn't, but there's always a way, you'll be an adult soon and you can get the hell out of there, you can do whatever you want. He can't tell you what to be, and he won't be able to tell you what to do-but don't think hurting yourself will help, okay? Because let me tell you, it sure as hell doesn't, it makes it worse, makes people pity you but shun you, think you're a damn freak just because you couldn't take it anymore."
"Like you?" Alfred whispered, looking up at him, blue eyes glossed with tears, and Gilbert paused-he hadn't meant to turn this about him, he didn't mean for it to come out like that, but he realized that maybe that's why this upset him, seeing Alfred like that, because he saw himself in him. He gritted his teeth, looking around, then he grabbed the boy's hand.
"Come on, let's get out of here, there's too many assholes starting, let's at least get outside, maybe my car or something."
Alfred nodded, letting Gilbert lead him outside, getting into his car, an old fixer-upper that Gilbert's brother had helped him find, both of them sitting down, quiet for a little while, Gilbert hardly even realizing that he'd taken Alfred's hand again, it just felt natural, holding onto his hand, like it was meant for it.
"…My Dad wasn't the greatest." Gilbert finally spoke up, looking down at his lap, not sure why he was even talking, but it was like the words were finally spilling out and he couldn't hold them back anymore. "When I was a kid, and even a teen, he'd get drunk, used to hit me with bottles, telling me I was…I was a fuck up, that he didn't know how a freak like me could've been his son. I used to tell him I didn't ask to be born this way, Doc's used to say it was some recessive trait or some shit, but I didn't care, because in his eyes I was just the freak that wasn't his son."
Alfred was quiet while he spoke, but Gilbert felt him squeeze his hand occasionally, his thumb brushing over the top of it absently as Gilbert continued, the words spilling like a door had been opened and he couldn't shut it.
"Of course I fell into the wrong crowd after that, I didn't care about anything, I wasn't worth shit, so I would get drunk, I'd get beat up, but y'know what they thought was the final straw? Burning myself-I've done worse, y'know, but no one thought it was worth anything. But one fucking teachers catches you with a few burns on your arm and suddenly it's loony bins and shit."
"Oh, Gilbert…" Alfred whispered finally, mouth opening and closing a few times, but he simply didn't know what to say. It was quiet for several minutes, the two of them just sitting there listening to cars and bustle around them, but it didn't bother them. Finally Alfred turned fully, looking into Gilbert's eyes and reaching up to cup his cheek.
"I don't think you're any of those things, unnatural, or a freak, or anything…when I first saw you I just thought that you were beautiful, I mean your eyes are such an odd color but they're just different, and your hair…" he hesitated before he reached up to run his fingers through it, smiling slightly. "It's just as soft as I thought it was. I don't think you're weird, or a freak, just different."
Gilbert looked at him, honestly surprised by the younger boy's words, no one had ever said such a thing to him, his whole life he'd felt like a leper in his own home, only his brother had shown him any kindness since their mother died, and now…now this boy, this Alfred, a boy just as broken as he was, and he didn't care about his stupid eyes or hair, and he was surprised just how much that meant. He threw his arms around Alfred's neck, hugging him, and after a moment he felt Alfred return the gesture. They sat like that for a long time, quiet, simply holding each other, but that was all they needed right then, to know they weren't alone in their pain, and when Gilbert eventually drove him home Alfred gave him a smile and a wave, and somehow he knew, the next day at lunch, he would talk, maybe not a lot at first, but he would. And that was enough for him.
