CHAPTER 17 – DREAMS
Kate woke up not knowing where she was, trapped, unable to move. She struggled for a moment, scared and confused – then she realised what was holding her in place. She was in bed with Rick; his arms were around her... She felt awful for being so afraid. She tried to relax in his arms but she had to get out now. She was about to gently wriggle out from his grip when he moved himself. Had she woken him up? But his eyes were still closed, his breathing was still steady and light. She slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom. She looked at the shower. Somehow that was scary too.
Rick forced himself to keep everything controlled so she wouldn't realise she had woken him up. She had hated it. She had hated that he was holding her – she had been struggling in his grip, terrified. He forced himself not to get upset as she got out of bed and padded to the bathroom.
Then – the bathroom. What if she felt bad? He trusted her. He had to. He couldn't babysit her, tell her not to lock the door... He had to let her get through this on her own; she was determined to be self sufficient.
It was no good though. He couldn't stop worrying. He got up and looked around. The bathroom door was still open. He tapped on the door frame then went inside to see Kate standing, still dressed, staring at the shower.
"Are you okay?" he asked. It was a stupid question. Of course she wasn't okay. She turned around and wrapped her arms around his waist, holding him tightly as she buried her face in his chest. He held her just as tightly, trying to let her know that she was safe, that it would all be okay.
"What's happening to me?" she whispered to no one in particular. "A few days ago I was a ruthless killer. Nothing could hurt me, nothing could get to me. And now I'm a wreck who can't even take a shower."
Rick stroked her hair, not knowing what to say, just knowing he needed to be there.
"You're going to be okay," he said to her gently. "How about a bath?"
She looked up at him. "A bath?"
"Sure. It gets you clean."
"I haven't had a bath since-"
"Then it's about time you did."
"I don't even like baths."
"Of course you do. You're a girl. Girls love baths."
"That's so stereotypical."
"It's true though." He reluctantly took his hands away and went to run the bath. It was huge.
"You could swim in here," Kate said as she sat down on the edge.
Rick poured in a large amount of complimentary bubble bath and shook out more bubbles with his hands. Kate watched him, wondering how she could have possibly been so lucky as to not only meet this man, but also to have him take care of her, to care about her. She bit her lip. She felt as though there was a lead weight in her chest, and no matter what she did it just got heavier. Now she had started thinking about her mother she couldn't stop. And her father. He was still alive somewhere. They had convinced her that she was keeping him safe by letting him think she was dead. But she loved him. She had no idea what had happened to him – she knew he had been in rehab, but not why. She knew he had gone back to work. She hoped that meant he was doing okay.
Rick stood up, wiping his wet hands on his shirt.
"We'll figure it out," he said to her. Kate nodded. She didn't know if she believed him or not.
"Arms up," he said with a little smile. She laughed as she lifted her arms and he pulled off her shirt. She took off the rest of her clothes and he did the same; they got into the bath and she settled in front of him, leaning back against his chest.
"Maybe I just used it all up," she said as he washed her arms.
"Used what up?"
"My strength. My... everything. I don't have any left. So I can't cope any more."
Rick put her arm back in the water.
"Strength isn't something you use up. You just have it. You've had to be far too strong – but you're still able to be strong. It's not good for you, maybe, but you can do it if you want to."
"Really?"
"Sure. You had it in you a couple of days ago, you have it in you now. And whatever you think, it took a great deal of strength to stop hiding in Sierra, and to tell me what you did."
"No, that was... that was the opposite. That was weak, I'm using you to lean on."
"You're wrong. It's not weak. It was hard for you, but you did it to help us, and I hope you did it because you care about me. So I know you're going to cope with whatever happens to us next. Not least because you have to – there isn't really another choice."
Kate bit her lip. "So we have to solve the case."
"Yes."
"I can do that."
"I know. We can even order up some food."
"Mmm. Food would be good."
Rick patted her stomach. "Definitely too flat."
Kate laughed and tilted her head back so she could meet his eyes. He kept a straight face for all of two seconds.
"You're perfect, Kate. You know I think so. Me on the other hand-"
Kate stared at him. "You're perfect too."
Rick smiled. "Thanks. I was just making sure you thought so too."
She flicked some bubbles at him.
"So, have you ever actually solved a crime before? Or do you restrict yourself to just committing them?" he asked, wiping the bubbles out of his eye.
Kate laughed. "My job is supposed to be solving things. I'm just less restricted when it comes to methods." Her tone became more serious. "I don't like it, but…"
"I get it. And you only killed when you had to. You only kill people who deserve it."
"That's what they tell us. I'm not so sure… I mean, Sierra doesn't care. That part of me… I didn't care about much. But now I… maybe I'm as bad as them."
"You're not. But I'd still argue I'm better at solving crimes than you." He tried to keep the mood light. They might have to have a conversation about her being a cold blooded killer sometime in the future, but now wasn't the right moment. He was sure she wasn't, anyway. He couldn't put his finger on it; if he'd been asked for an explanation he wouldn't have had one, but there was something... there was a way to make it make sense.
"Seriously? How do you figure?" Kate followed his lead, laughing with him, letting the rise and fall of his chest against her back soothe her, trying to copy the easy rhythm of his breathing with her speech.
"I actually do solve them for a living."
They were both smiling now. Kate even felt almost natural, his tone was so infectious, his childish joking disguising a far more subtle approach to improving her mood.
"You mean in your books? I hate to break it to you writer boy-"
"Man. Writer man."
"-but those books are fictional. You make up the crimes; you know who commits them because you do."
"Ah, ye of little faith. Fine. But I at least know what cops do. I have friends who are cops."
"Oh yeah? Who?"
"Kevin and Javi. I mean it, I do. They're homicide detectives; I ask them when I have questions about my books."
Kate shook her head, grinning.
"Okay, so what do you suggest we do?"
Rick poured some shampoo out of the bottle and began to massage it into her hair.
"We write everything we know on the board. And then we think about it and try to find a lead."
Kate leaned back, enjoying the feel of his hands in her hair.
"What if there isn't one?"
Rick sighed.
"Well you might know it. If you can remember everything you said to the cops that night, we might be able to work out what it is you know that was such a risk."
Kate had thought of this herself; she had been half hoping he wouldn't suggest it. He was right though. She was the best option. She leaned back to rinse off her hair, closing her eyes as Rick fanned it out in the water. Rick gently sat her back up, then got out of the bath, wrapping a towel around his waist and handing her one to dry herself with.
They put on complimentary hotel bathrobes, Kate smiling at the softness of the fabric.
"I know my bucket list isn't very impressive, but I'm very glad I told you this was on it."
"I don't think it was so bad. Anyway, you never got to tell me what else was on it – we never finished."
"Most of the things are just… like, life things. Get married, have a baby, live in a house, learn to cook…"
"So boring. But so sweet."
"Well, I'm a spy. I've done all the crazy things already."
"Like what?"
"Well, like skydiving, flying a plane, being in a car chase, shooting stuff, saving the world…"
Rick laughed. "I like your backwards bucket list."
"Do you have any crazy things on yours?"
"Not really… I mean, it's not the same as you. But I made my first million when I was still in college – I had the money to do all those crazy things when I was young."
They sat on the bed facing the newly delivered white board, complete with a set of coloured markers and an eraser. Kate stood up and uncapped a pen, gripping it a little too tightly as she tried to write her mother's name in the middle of the board.
"I don't really know anything," she said quietly. "I mean, I tried to find out stuff, and looked at her file-"
"Johanna Beckett. On your phone. But you smashed it-"
"I've had it memorised since before I even put it on there. I just carried it around in case I missed something, I guess."
"Well start there – at least we'll have something to look at, then."
Kate bit her lip and began to write, frequently turning around to face Rick. He watched her, trying to exude comfort and calm as she described her mother's murder in a spider diagram. It was very surreal; he almost thought it was all just a long, complicated dream, and any moment he would wake up, alone in bed at the loft. He hated the idea. This was awful – but he didn't think he could live without Kate any more.
Kate knew this was real – she had been in similar situations before. Not quite like this – not much like this, really – but she had been under attack before, she had been in hiding before… she had even gone against orders before. It had all worked out; she was still alive wasn't she? And she had been right, the time she decided not to obey the distant voice on the phone that was never the same, never recognisable. There was no reason why this should be any different. She would fight, and she would win. She would keep him safe. And then… And then she didn't want to think about it. She would take him back to New York, and she would disappear into the night, on some other mission. She would become Sierra again. Because she couldn't stay. She didn't know how… She had just told him she wanted to settle down and have a family before she died – but the truth was, even if she were in a position where it would be theoretically safe to do so, the fact that it would be her trying to live a normal life would make it unsafe. She would be a danger to him, and to the child.
Him. She had been thinking of him. Rick, Rick as a husband, her husband, and as a father to their child. A little girl with piercing blue eyes like his, and straight dark hair. Intelligent, fierce, beautiful…
She stopped herself. This was wrong. She shouldn't even be thinking it. It was impossible – she would inevitably put them at risk. She had a lot of enemies, she was sure. She was already putting him at risk! And even if they didn't have a gang of masked Russians trying to take them out, she was a risk herself. She needed too much – Rick wouldn't cope. Being Kate was stressful for everyone – the world would be much better if she just stuck to being Sierra.
She finished writing and turned to Rick again. He stood up and put his arms around her, trying as always to be comforting and kind. If only… if only none of this had happened. She could have met him in college, or… It would have been so good. But belonging in his arms could never be more than a dream. No matter how many times he held her, kissed her, made love to her… It wouldn't last. It was barely even real.
