Sunset

"Believe
That you're always on my mind
Believe
That you got here just in time"
Believe- Quietdrive

Mood Music: Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven (I highly recommend you listen while you read.. song can be found on YouTube!)

Alice sat in her seat, bouncing up and down as she chattered away. Looking out the window the young girl squealed and clapped her hands excitedly.

"We swing." Alice spoke pointing to the small swing set in her babysitter's front yard.

"Yes, sweetie, I'm sure that you will get to swing today."

"No," Alice stated in delight "WE swing."

Bella pulled into the driveway, stepping out before helping Alice unhook her car seat. Sue Clearwater stood at the door waiting for them.

"Hey Bella,"

"Hey Sue," Bella sighed "I know I said I was dropping her off in a few hours but I am just exhausted and need a small break."

Sue smiled in understanding, patting her on the shoulder as she replied "It's no problem at all."

Alice ran into the living room and Bella could hear the entering cords of Spongebob Squarepants on the television. Sue rolled her eyes causing Bella to chuckle softly.

"Emmett." Bella heard Alice scream in delight and she felt her heart shoot into her throat. Quickly making her way into the living room, Bella scanned the children her eyes stopping on her own. Emmett was sitting next to her, his hand in hers.

"Bella are you alright?" Sue asked concern lacing her voice. "You're white as a ghost."

Bella could feel the tears stinging at her eyes, could feel the tightening in her chest and knew that she was about to have a panic attack.

Giving her a forced smile, Bella nodded barely whispering. "I'm going to take off."

"Are you sure you are okay?" Sue asked. Bella nodded turning around and fleeing from the room.

She sat in her car, her air coming in short spurts as her chest tightened. Gasping she lay her head against the cool steering wheel. She could hear the words of Dr. Parker in her mind.

"When you have a panic attack you need to relax your body, calm your senses that are in overload. Close your eyes and take slow and steady deep breaths. I know it may feel like you're not getting enough oxygen but if you breathe too much you will start hyperventilating and pass out.

Your muscles are going to be tense and it is going to be hard for you, you are going to want to fight it. Don't, it will only make them worse. Try to relax them slowly, easing your body out of its tense state."

Closing her eyes, Bella took slow, even breaths and then began the process of calming her body down.

--

"Where is Alice?" Rose asked plopping down on the couch next to her.

"I took her to Sue's for awhile. I'm just so exhausted and I wanted a few hours to myself before I had to go for therapy."

Rose nodded in understanding her eyes focusing on the television. "What are you watching anyways?" Rose asked grabbing the remote and turning the volume up. Snorting once she realized what it was. "Are you seriously watching Pride and Prejudice again?"

"It's a good movie."

"Yeah and no man can live up to it." Rose replied annoyed.

"Pick out a different movie, Rose." Her voice was monotone.

"Is everything okay?" Rose questioned. "You seem distracted."

"Emmett was at Sue's."

Rose hit the off button on the remote and turned on the couch, her knees touching her chin which she now rested upon them.

"Was Edward there?"

"No."

"Then what's the problem?" Rose questioned. "Crisis averted. You didn't run into the big bad ex so why do you look like you have seen a ghost?"

"It just brought back memories…" Bella's voice trailed off and she turned away from Rose her face red with embarrassment. "I had another panic attack."

Rose's face contorted into worry and Bella winced inwardly at the concern on her friends face.

"Can I ask you something, Bella, and you promise me you won't get mad?"

Taking her silence as a yes, Rose took a deep breath closing her eyes tightly as if afraid of her reaction.

"Why would something that made you so happy cause you to have panic attacks?" Rose peeked one eye open looking at her through the crack.

Bella found her mouth open in shock and she was stuttering for words.

"Are you sure," Rose stated "and remember I love you, but are you sure that these panic attacks are actually panic attacks? You were so hurt by everything that happened that it makes me wonder if it's your body's response to dealing with the pain. A way of shutting it down so you don't have to feel it."

"I've never really thought of it like that." Her face remained beet red and she could feel the heat radiating off of her cheeks.

"That's because I'm brilliant." Rose teased trying to break the tension in the room. It worked because Bella found herself chuckling slightly.

"Right, of course you are."

"See," Rose smirked "you admit it."

Bella rolled her eyes and leaned her head back against the couch a sigh escaping her lips.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Rose asked "If you think it will help I can listen to you blabber on about how gorgeous he was."

"He did have a nice ass." Bella stated a giggle escaping her lips as her hand shot up and covered her mouth. "I mean he was a really good guy, a great friend."

"Uh huh." Rose muttered. "Next you're going to tell me the sex was great."

"Amazing actually."

"And on that note," Rose grabbed the remote, her nose scrunched in distaste, and turned the television back on "I think I would rather watch Pride and Prejudice."

--

"Lovely to see you again, Bella," Dr. Parker called as she entered the room. "Hopefully this week will end on a bit of a better note." His eyebrow was raised as if in disapproval.

"Right," Bella sighed "sorry about that."

"It's not really me that you need to be apologizing to; in the end you only hurt yourself."

She nodded, not really knowing how to respond.

"Let's jump right in then." Dr. Parker murmured "Have you had any attacks this week?"

"One today."

"And what triggered it?"

"I took Alice to daycare and one of the boys there was the child of my former…" her voice trailed off. Bella wasn't sure what to call Edward, her former lover? Boyfriend? Companion? Nothing seemed right.

"And it triggered an attack?" he seemed to understand what she was trying to say and she was grateful not to have to continue that train of thought.

"Yes."

"And how did the techniques we worked on go? Did they help?"

"I was able to calm myself down fairly easily once I got my breathing under control. It probably took me ten minutes or so to be able to drive again."

"That's wonderful, Bella. That time will most likely improve the better you become at controlling your body's responses."

"How is living with Rose going for you?"

"I love it actually," Bella smiled then "It's nice having someone to confide in, to talk to. I know I can rely on her if I need help with something. It's also nice to have the company. The nights are the hardest and once Alice goes to bed I'm not really sure what to do with myself. It seems to ease the pain if she is there to distract me."

"Hmm" he hummed his brow knit in concern.

"Just this afternoon we sat and talked for awhile and joked around. It was great to be able to have a friend that I could be open with, that I could joke with, and that made me laugh."

"I'm really glad that you have that support system but you can't allow yourself to become dependent on it. Eventually you will have to find a place of your own, most likely after the baby comes."

"I know." Bella muttered.

"Do you?" he replied looking concerned again. She chose not to answer.

"Have you been to the park this week?" Dr. Parker asked trying to keep the conversation flowing. He had recommended she visit often as a type of immersion therapy. The more she went there the less it seemed daunting, tainted, and the more it felt like her little slice of peace.

"Not yet," Bella replied brushing her hair from her face "This week has just been crazy busy. I'm thinking about going later today though, since Alice is at Sue's."

"Good. No more panic attacks or episodes there?"

"None."

"That is great progress, Bella." His smile was genuine. "I feel like we are ignoring the pink elephant in the room." He set his notebook down and his hands relaxed onto his desk. "Shall we talk about what happened last week?"

"My appointment was over." Bella shrugged trying not to let his stare get to her.

"We were in the midst of a huge breakthrough, though. It would have been beneficial for you to stay longer and I had no problem with it."

"I'm sorry."

"Like I said," he shrugged his shoulders "in the end you are only hurting yourself. Henry Miller once stated something Bella and I want to share it with you, I think it could be very beneficial to you. He once said that 'Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind.' I want you to keep that in mind."

The small timer dinged and he smiled once again before pushing his glasses up on his nose. "We will talk about this more next week, but think about what I have said."

--

Bella made her way down the winding streets, the familiarity of the drive comforting her uneasy mind. She contemplated her day; seeing Emmett, her conversation with Rose, and finally her meeting with Dr. Parker. Her heart felt heavy and she couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that something was missing.

Pulling into her normal parking space Bella looked at the park in front of her. The battered slide and swing set that Alice used to ride on, the small gazebo where her and Edward had hidden from the rain, the battered paths that led into the woods; it all seemed so familiar.

The familiarity left a steady ache in her chest that truly reminded her of what she was missing, of who she was missing and yet she felt no panic.

The sun was slowly setting and the trees were outlined in an almost orange glow that seemed warming and comforting. Setting on the swings she rocked back and forth taking everything in, feeling every bittersweet emotion.

The sun continued to set and the park grew quieter, darker. It still seemed peaceful to her, though. Standing from the swing, Bella made her way down the quiet and familiar path towards her lake. The path was still worn, but now it brought her comfort instead of sadness.

Turning the corner the site in front of her caused her to stop and the breath to leave her. Shaking her head for a moment, her eyes wide, she stared.

Edward sat in the grass, the moonlight illuminating his features almost as much as the small lantern he had placed beside him. He was on a blanket, a single rose and basket of food next to him. Her heart stuttered at the picture. Her body was screaming to run towards him, to fling herself into his arms, to lose herself in him.

She took a steady breath, telling herself she wouldn't lose control. Then he turned and looked at her and he looked broken.

His tired and red eyes were rimmed with a deep purple that showed that he had been neglecting his sleep. His hair was twisted and tangled and sticking up in a way that signified he had been tugging incessantly on the ends. It was clear from the moment she looked into his eyes that he had been crying.

Upon seeing her he stood, arms open with palms up as if to signify he meant no harm.

Bella could feel a deep sigh escape her lips as she looked at him and then focused her gaze on her shaking hands. He moved towards her slowly, almost afraid she was going to bolt from him.

"Bella," he sighed.

She could feel the tears slowly falling down her face and suddenly he was in front of her. Her skin ached as he reached up and slowly wiped each tear away. Bella's eyes met his and she could feel herself slowly getting lost in them.

"I think we need to talk." He whispered.

Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! I'm looking for music recommendations so if you got one (or some) send em my way!