Blinded By Love
By Serena
A/N: Wow, it's been a while. So so sorry!
Disclaimer: Don't own! So sad, too bad.
I spent the entire night talking with my daughter. There was so much to discuss, so much to catch up on. I could tell that although she was a strong person like her parents, beneath that firm outer layer lay a heartbroken young woman, desperate to regain the man she had lost... and desperate to bring back her small family together... her father excluded. She went into detail about her childhood, about my old friend Bail and his wife. She told me how she would play pranks on her three annoying and overbearing aunts... and how she always longed for a mother who would hold her in her arms. Apparently, Bail's wife had not been very good with children.
"I don't remember her ever kissing me goodnight," Leia was saying distantly. She was curled up beside me on the bed, sitting with her knees to her chest. "Maybe a small peck on the forehead... but very rarely. I don't know if she resented the fact that I was not her real child... or the fact that my father..." She trailed off. "That he seemed warmer towards me in the end than he did with her."
"On Alderaan, as you are aware, I'm sure," I replied, "Royal marriages were arranged. Bail loved his wife, and she him, in their own way, I'm sure. But they didn't have much of a choice. But they chose to make the best of their circumstances. I'm just sorry you were involved." I squeezed her hand warmly.
"I'm not complaining," she amended. "I just... I always knew she wasn't my mother."
"The bond between blood is stronger than any other tie in the universe," I told her quietly. "You might have known, deep down, that Luke was more than just a friend to you."
"Yes," she said. "I think I did. I don't know how... but somehow... I always knew." She hesitated before adding slowly, "I think... I think I might have felt something... towards..."
"Your father?" I finished gently. When she didn't reply, I sighed through my nose. "Leia, don't feel ashamed. Deep down, underneath everything that is darkness and evil... there is a man I loved. A man I still love. He was one of the best men I knew. More intense, more passionate, and more loving than any other man I'd met. He had the most caring heart of anyone else I knew. I think... in part, that was his downfall. He maybe cared too much."
Leia shifted on my bed. "Tell me about him," she said. "Tell me about our father."
I inhaled, exhaled deeply, and started from the beginning.
Luke came to see me mid-morning and found Leia dozing on my bed. "She's been through so much," he told me heavily. "She's stronger than anyone I've ever met, Mom. I don't know how she does it."
"She's a survivor," I said. "But eventually, you have to let your emotions out, or they will get the best of you at the worst of times." I couldn't help but think that Anakin had had that particular issue. I somehow felt that the Jedi Council and its strict code was partially to blame... After all, Jedi were not mindless robots with no emotion. They were people with feelings - and Anakin's had been more intense than anyone I'd ever met. He did nothing by halves, including his feelings for other people. However, this caused problems when Anakin lost focus... When he was unable to control his emotions.
I remembered the dark look on his face as he raised his gloved hand up to grasp my throat... I blinked back tears and licked my lips, trying to focus on my son's warm presence.
"Yeah," he sighed. "I think it came out when she was with our friend, Han Solo. She and he would argue so loudly the entire base would hear it. But I knew she liked him, even to begin with. Then, not too long ago, they really fell in love. It's tearing her apart that he's been taken by Fett."
"Fett? As in Boba Fett?"
"Yeah. You know him?"
"Indeed I do. That boy has had a troubled life. He's not actually the son of anyone. He's a clone of the late Jango Fett."
"A clone?" Luke echoed. "Strange... I didn't know that."
"He'll probably live a long time unless someone kills him. Obi-Wan told me his growth wouldn't be slowed down, as it was for all the other clones. He'll probably live another eighty or so years, probably even longer than that."
"Well, the only thing I'm concerned about is getting Han back," Luke said firmly. "But it's extremely difficult. Jabba's palace is practically impenetrable."
"I'm sure we can find a way," I mused. "I know a few tricks about sneaking into places."
"You? A senator?" He sounded impressed. "Mom, tell me more." I heard the grin in his voice and was again reminded of Anakin's good humor. My heart clenched, then relaxed as I returned his smile.
By that afternoon, I was restless, anxious to get out of bed. Luke and Leia had told me they would search out Raler and his men to discover Ty's well-being, and they would return once they found any news of him or the rest of the crew. But as for me, I was left with a medical droid at my side and legs aching to move. "B-4," I sighed, "I need to get up."
"Mistress is not well enough."
"I'm well enough, all right," I grumbled, and pulled the covers away. "I'm going for a walk. If you're assigned to me, it's your job to protect my health. So, I insist you lead me around here. Take me to a terrace... or a veranda. Something with sun. It's peeping through my small window, and I want to feel it on my skin." I climbed out of bed and stuck out a hand. The droid's cold fingers clasped my own, and it whirred to life, leading me out of the medical room and down the hall. Several people passed, and I heard murmurs but ignored them.
I had reached a point of my life where I stopped caring what anyone else thought. I over forty-five years old, even though I didn't look it. I'd seen and heard enough, and frankly, I didn't give a kriff anymore. I allowed the droid to show me out onto an empty stone terrace. I smiled, feeling the wind blowing across my cheeks and nose. When the droid led me to the railing, I placed my hands on the warm stone and tilted my head up to face the glowing sunlight shining down on me.
Ah... now this is what I need.
"You should not be out of bed," said a deep, inhuman voice from behind me.
"My sight may be crippled, but my legs are not," I said dryly, enjoying the warmth of the late afternoon sun on my face.
Vader stepped closer until he was only feet away, but I didn't move. "The children, I believe, will be searching for you soon."
"They can find me if they want. And they're not children anymore." My jaw tightened. "I'm not even sure how much of a childhood each of them really had."
"They are stronger than you think."
"They're still human. Which is more than I can say for you."
I knew that one would hurt. But it was true. Darth Vader was scarcely human anymore. More machine than man, I thought distantly.
"They have survived this long," Vader retorted angrily. "They have dealt with the knowledge that I am their father. You may not think of them as children, but you are certainly treating them as such."
"You are not their father," I snapped. "Anakin Skywalker created my children. You're destroying them. I don't think you have the right to give me parenting advice."
"I only wanted for us all to be together," Vader insisted, agitated. "For us to rule the galaxy as one -"
"One what? One big happy family?" I paused. "Sith don't have families. There are only two: master and apprentice. So, naturally, you would only need one apprentice. The children would have to fight each other, and the survivor would be your pupil. That is, of course, until you grow too old and weak, and then they'll kill you and take your place. And as for me? None of you have need of me. I'm a bleeding heart, a weak link. I would eventually be eliminated. Probably poisoned in my sleep. I don't think the children would kill me with a lightsaber. But then again," I added, "They might want to make it quick and easy."
"Enough!" he rasped.
"The truth hurts, Vader," I told him coolly. "And love blinds. Literally, in my case."
He paused, then said heavily, "You are not the same woman I knew."
"This coming from you?" I demanded incredulously. "I may have changed. But at least I still know who I am. I have not betrayed my beliefs, my friends. I have not changed sides. I have not tried to murder my own children."
"Believe me, I-"
"NO!" I snarled. "I can't believe you cut off your own son's hand! You tortured your own daughter!" My voice had risen to a furious scream, but I didn't care.
"The boy was strong, and he thrived in his pain. And the girl is also stronger than you give her credit for. I did not have a choice."
"No choice..." I murmured, shaking my head in disbelief. "You always have a choice, Anakin," I hissed. "You just made all the wrong ones - starting with your decision to follow that bloodthirsty monster you call a master."
"You had choices, too, Padme. I was trying to save you. You have betrayed me," he insisted.
"You betrayed yourself first, Vader. The others followed," I said dispassionately. I found it easier to act this way. If I started to project my emotions, there would be no telling how he could use those to manipulate me. It was difficult enough sharing the same room with him, much less speaking of the past. I don't know if I could bear it if he saw my true feelings. One thing I was glad of: he could not see my eyes. Clouded over with blindness, my eyes would not betray me as his voice was doing so now. I had the advantage... for now.
"And yet," I added quietly, "there is a small part of Anakin still living inside you. You may deny it all you want, but Darth Vader would not have spared Luke's life. Darth Vader would not have postponed Leia's execution." I took a step closer to him, tilted my head up towards his mask. His breathing grew more raspy. "Darth Vader," I murmured, "would not still be in love with me."
His gloved hand touched my cheek, rested it there. "Padme," he murmured.
I allowed myself to sink into his touch... until I remembered what he had done. I pulled away, took his hand off my cheek. He gripped it, but I wrestled it out of his hand and curled it into my dress. "No. You are not allowed to touch me."
"Not allowed!" he growled incredulously. "I am your husband!"
"You are not my husband. Anakin Skywalker was my husband. And he's dead. He died the day you were born." I turned away. "I forgive Anakin," I added with a heavy sigh, wrapping my arms around myself. "I forgave him a long time ago. But I will never forgive you, Vader. You should know that now before you continue to visit me."
"Padme..."
"Until you stop following your precious lord and master," I snapped, "I refuse to acknowledge any connection between us. You are nothing more than a cold-blooded murder and the man who is trying to destroy my only children - my one connection to my husband."
His breathing was loud and hoarse in the sudden quietness of the room. I heard him squeeze his fists together. "I am not leaving without you, Padme," he said finally. "You are mine."
"I am not yours. I am leaving with my son and daughter. And that is the end of it."
"We shall see," he replied ominously. His footsteps echoed against the floor as he left the terrace.
I punched the stone, teeth pulling back in a silent snarl. I didn't know how much more I could take of this. A strong part of me wished I would never see him again... that he would just disappear, never to return in my life. After all, he had caused so much chaos, so much sadness, heartbreak, and death. Why would I ever want to even be in the same room as him? I had needed Anakin... I'd needed him so much. He had been the very breath to my lungs. But now... I didn't need him anymore.
At least, I thought I didn't. Despite everything he had done, despite my firm belief that this was true... It was not. And I would soon discover this.
- Serena
