A New Nanny in Red


Lilith Crowen was relaxing back on her sunning chair as the blaze of the afternoon sun bore down on her sprawling courtyard. She fixed her fashion sunglasses and reached for her glass of long island iced tea that should be resting on the small end table to her left. Instead she grasped a small plastic Sippy cup and made an annoyed noise as she pushed her glasses up and glared at her toddler son standing next to her chair, covered in red and purple splotches.(1) Anthony gave a victorious grin and smacked his lips, "Juice mummy," he cooed tugging on her now stained white Egyptian silk dress.

Lilith bolted upright and swung her legs over to the side before pulling on her sandals, "Where's that broad we're paying to watch you?" she growled getting off the chair and heading towards the house. She opened the glass pane oak door and looked around the kitchen as Anthony toddled after her touching anything he could get his hands on.(2) Lilith walked over to the counter and gave a heaving sigh seeing the nanny on the floor of the kitchen with a metal fire truck near her head. The three year old giggled and toddled over to the woman and sat on her back before picking up the fire truck and making the proper noises for it.(3)

Lilith tapped her long manicured nails on the marble counter with a look of annoyed disgust on her face, "Anthony what am I going to tell your father?" she muttered giving the woman's leg a swift kick with the toe of her shoe. The body gave a sound of pain and Lilith gave a relieved sigh, "Thank someone. Now daddy's friends don't have to go and take Nanny Ruth to where Nanny Abby and Nanny Boris are," she cooed picking her son up from the woman's back.(4) Anthony giggled with childish glee as he cuddled up to his mother. Lilith smiled affectionately as she pet the toddler's hair, "Who's mommy little demon?" she cooed walking over the woman's body and going to the stainless steel fridge. (5)

She filled the Sippy cup with Anthony's apple-pomegranate juice before putting the toddler's favorite crazy straw in it and handing it over to the small eager hands. With a squeal, the child suckled on the straw as he cuddled up to his mother's chest with a content smile. Lilith sat on the counter with Anthony and watched him drink his juice before moving one leg over the other. Her son gazed up at her with his golden eyes and gave her a charming smile as she delicately fixed the dark strands of hair around his chubby face.

1) She almost panicked a moment before remembering that her son had taken to finger-painting the walls and carpets.

2) Quite on purpose I assure you.

3) The siren and other sort of vehicle noises that toddlers can usually remember at the times when their parents weren't making the odd noises themselves. It could be said that maybe they do it on purpose to see the older persons making right fools of their selves.

4) I'll let you imagine a nice location. Maybe Tahiti or Cuba?

5) Mostly everything in the home was top of the line, shiny, and clean.

"Mummy's so happy she had such an adorable little baby," Lilith crooned as she tapped the little button nose. "But daddy's not gonna be so happy about getting another nanny so soon," she said as she moved to press a button on the phone next to her hip. She speed dialed the first number and listened to the phone ring through the speaker. The line clicked after a few rings and an annoyed voice answered, "This better be good Lilith." (6)

"Oh it is. Seems our bundle of joy has taken out another nanny but she's still breathing," Lilith said examining her fingers. There was a disgruntled sigh on the other side, "And what am I supposed to do?" Lebial asked shuffling some papers. "Hire a new nanny who can take a demonic child?" Lilith suggested with a smirk. Her husband sighed again as he made some clicking noises on his computer mouse. "Alright I'll get in touch with the...erm...agency and see if they can send a replacement," Lebial said as he typed on his computer. (7)

"Alright dear see that you do," Lilith said with a small hum, "Don't mess with the secretary and be home relatively early for supper...kisses darling," she cooed before turning off the speaker phone. Anthony was asleep and content with his nearly empty Sippy cup. Lilith cooed and tickled the toddler's cheek before taking him to the nursery. She laid Anthony in his crib before tucking the plush snake toy close to the toddler's body. She turned on the monitor before strutting out to the kitchen and taking off her heels. (8)

She picked up the nanny by her armpits and tugged her over to the living room rug with a long string of cursing grunts. She put a towel under the woman's head before going to the kitchen and making a face at the trail of blood on the tiles. She searched for the mop thingy in the places she expected it to be in.(9) After a few minutes of searching she found it and cleaned up the mess before going over to the still breathing woman and healing the spot on the back of her head.

Lilith's mouth curled into a sneer seeing the spot on the rug before she went and changed out of her ruined dress and put on a new obviously expensive outfit before hearing the roar of a motorcycle outside of the house. She huffed angrily as she headed to the front door and opened it to a figure dressed all in red leather. (10) The biker removed her dark helmet and leaned on one curvy hip as she fished in her pocket until she produced a business card.

6) Lebial could never figure out phones, he was also paranoid of ansaphones.

7) Lilith noticed often that when Lebial didn't want to be bothered he faked being busy

8) Lilith never ruined a pair of shoes, especially not in someone's blood. She considered it very taboo to her fashion sense.

9) She'd seen the cleaning lady use it once or twice but she hadn't ever seen where it was contained. She wondered if it magically appeared often, but obviously it didn't.

10) Nice Italian leather, she observed but she still didn't like the smell of exhaust hanging on the person.

Lilith gaped at the other woman as she took the card handed to her with a small worried look. The card was a startling bright white with a name and profession in script text along the length of the card in dark red ink. The card read, "Carmine Zuigiber. Professional journalist, exterminator, and nanny by trade."(11) The red headed woman gave a beautiful smile, "I've been sent from the agency to be your new nanny," she said tucking her helmet under her arm.

Lilith straightened and gave a forced smile observing the woman's nearly perfect hour glass figure with a tsunami of jealousy rushing through her mind, "Good you can start today by getting rid of the old nanny. Put her somewhere where someone will happen upon her…or don't…I personally don't care I just want her out of the house," she said folding her arms across her chest and walking inside the house. Carmine or Red as she preferred to be called came in and looked around the house before looking to the pouting woman who had taken perch on the couch with a dangerous look on her face. (12)

She set her helmet and jacket on the other couch before hefting the portly unconscious woman from the floor over her should and carrying her outside and dumping her outside of the gate to the house. She brushed her hands against each other with a triumphant smile. She headed over to her monstrously large motorcycle and took a dark red duffle bag off the back of the bike along with a long paper wrapped package that she strapped to her back. She walked inside with a swing of her hips before turning to give the gardener a wink causing the man to give her a dreamy look. She shut the door and dumped her bag on the couch, hearing the wail of a toddler.

She cracked her knuckles before heading into the heavily decorated nursery and glanced at the child in the crib, using his lungs to their full ability. She leaned on the edge of the crib and peered down at the toddler, pausing his tantrum as he glanced up at her in amazement. (13) She reached a gloved hand down and pressed his nose with a grimace, "Nanny says shut up," she cooed. Anthony gave her a challenging look as he grabbed her finger and tried to bite it with his sharp little teeth. (14) Red gave a wicked grin as the boy chomped down as hard as he could on her finger. He frowned at the woman and let the gloved finger go, "Juice!" he demanded with a pout. Red reached down and plucked the toddler out of the crib, "Not until we change your clothes and clean you up Anthony," she said carrying him at arm's length.(15) "Haven't they potty trained you yet?" she asked as an offensive smell rose to her nose.

The boy gave a devilish grin at the woman's obvious disgust and clapped his hands. Red blew a strand of wavy crimson hair out of her face and carried her new charge over to the bathroom. She had the feeling this job was either going to be worth the trouble or it was going to be a headache. (16)

11) The exterminator bit was usually a part time thing.

12) Red figured that Lizzie Borden might've worn the same look when she picked up an axe.

13) It wasn't every day the toddler saw other people and he rather liked the color red.

14) Lebial was confused when Lilith had sworn that she'd never breast feed their son again until Anthony started teething and the furniture was being gnawed into almost toothpicks.

15) She read an article somewhere that children enjoyed throwing up on persons. So she wanted to avoid any unpleasant happenings.

16) Either way she needed the money.


Prime Minister Adam Young was enjoying a cinnamon roll as he took his morning coffee and read the international affairs section of his paper. (17) He raised an eyebrow at the rising tensions in the county of Egypt, sources claiming that civil war is bound to break out any day. It wasn't so much the drama of civil war that caught Adam's eye it was the red headed woman in a picture of the destruction that caught his full attention. He studied the picture closely, seeing that she was pushing a stroller with a small toddler watching the camera man from its place in the stroller.

Adam flipped through the pages of the newspaper to read the continuation of the story and saw another picture as the woman posed with the toddler behind a reporter, waving in glee with the child. He swallowed his cinnamon roll thickly and coughed a bit before pounding his chest as the pastry caught in his throat. (18) In his actions, Adam knocked over his cup of hot black coffee and ruined the newspaper article. (19) The prime minister made a noise of despair as he tried to reclaim the pictures from the murky liquid, brushing it off with a napkin and spreading crumbs all over his desk. Some time later, Pepper walked in with her daughter, Ruthie, and arched her eyebrow at the sight of her husband covered in crumbs, ink, and coffee. (20) Adam paused in his antics and stared at Pepper before giving a cheesy grin, "Just having breakfast…" he said before making himself look presentable.(21) Ruthie gave a soft giggle as her mother led her out, "Your father needs a day off," she whispered to the young girl. (22) Adam waited till they were gone before sitting down in his chair with a frown. Unknown to Adam's knowledge, in the last part of the article it mentioned briefly that all the Egyptian dignitaries and their families had been moved from the country and sent to safer areas, including New York City in the Americas.

17) Well he enjoyed keeping abreast of any developments that might call him to be more involved with the world outside of the UK. That and Pepper badgered him about things when he didn't try to look busy.

18) Everyone has had the moment when the food we're enjoying fights back and you're stuck in a war with your esophagus, your treat, and your fist.

19) Almost like fate.

20) Pepper didn't see much of difference between Adam now and when he was in college and rushing to get to his final exams.

21) Well he couldn't feign anything else as he tried to hide all the napkins and papers he wasted in trying to clean the newspaper. Some of the papers he'd used might've needed his signature at some point.

22) Ruthie often agreed with her mother, especially when it involved her father's off days.


Disclaimer! Good Omens Characters belong to Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett! This goes for all chapters. I'm not making any money on this and it's completely a work of fiction.

Original Characters belong to me

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