Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Harry Potter or Final Fantasy, though I do own all six books, the Final Fantasy games of 8 through 10-2, Chronicles, and Anthology, and a strategy guide for Final Fantasy 9.

Harry: I hate you, Cor.

Sirius: You know what I just realized?

Harry: Wow. Hope you didn't hurt yourself.

Sirius: Oi! thwaps Harry Anyway, I was thinking...

Sirius...thinking? Merlin, the world simply MUST be coming to an end!

Sirius: Shut it! ANYWAY! I noticed that Cor never mentioned Harry's glasses.

Oh, that? Well, Harry just had a magical corrective spell placed on his eyes before he brought Moldywart down, didn't he?

Harry: I did?

Yes, you did. Those glasses were a liability. Summon them away, and you'd be blind as a bat. Any other plot holes you want to mention, Padfoot? pulls out a katana.

Sirius: gulp No, I'm done.

Good boy.

Sirius: whimpers like a...well...like a dog


Harry, Cloud, and Aeris, all 'dolled up' as the owner of the clothes shop put it, approached the doorman to Don Corneo's mansion.

"Da-yum! Your friends're hot too! Come in, come in!" He turned toward the door and spoke into an intercom. "Three ladies coming through!" There was a small beep, and the doors opened. The doorman ushered them inside.

They now stood in a small lobby, with a receptionist waiting for them. "Hey, ladies," he greeted them. "I'll go and let the Don know you're here. Wait here. Don't go wandering around..."

"Like we'd really listen to that?" Harry mumbled to himself.

"Now's our chance. Let's find Tifa," Aeris suggested. Seeing no other doors on the ground floor, they climbed up to the balcony above and tried two locked doors before coming to an open one. Behind it was a long stairway. They crept down and entered the room. Harry immediately wished they hadn't.

They now stood in what could only be described as a torture room. A table with the outline of a human body was in the middle, and directly above it, hanging from the ceiling, was a giant, circular saw blade. Tools and implements of torture rested in racks along the four walls, and in the back stood what seemed to be a large refrigerator. Harry thought it was big enough for even Barret to fit inside with room to spare. Tifa, still clad in a sparkling blue dress, was staring at it curiously.

"Tifa?" Aeris called. "Nice to meet you. I'm Aeris. Cloud and Harry told me about you."

"And you are?" the bartender and part-time AVALANCHE member snapped. "Hey, you're the one with Cloud in the park."

The flower girl nodded. "Right, with Cloud."

Tifa turned to look away, embarrassed. "Oh."

"Don't worry. We just met; it's nothing," Aeris reassured her.

"What do you mean, 'Don't worry'...about what?" Tifa demanded. She shook her head. "No, don't misunderstand. Cloud and I grew up together. Nothing more."

The mentioned mercenary was currently looking back up the stairs, staring into space. "Poor Cloud," Aeris teased, "having to stand here and listen to both of us call him nothing." She turned to the spiky blonde. "Right, Cloud?"

"His little ego is crushed for sure," Harry snickered.

Tifa jumped. "Harry? Cloud!?" Once she was over her shock at their appearance, she began firing questions left and right. "Why are you dressed like that!? And what are you doing here!? Forget that, what happened after your fall? Are you hurt!?"

Cloud turned to her. "Hey, give us a chance to explain!" he interrupted her. "We're dressed like this...because there was no other way to get in here."

"There would have been if I had had anything to say about it," Harry grumbled. The material was nice, but he was starting to sweat – he was wearing two layers of clothing inside a building, after all.

"We're all right, Tifa," Cloud continued explained, ignoring Harry's grumbling. "Aeris helped us out."

"Oh, Aeris did..."

"Tifa, explain. What are you doing in a place like this?" Harry asked her.

"Yeah, ummm..." Tifa hesitated, glancing pointedly at Aeris.

"Ahem! I'll just plug my ears..." Aeris cottoned on. She strode across the room and clapped her hands over her ears.

"I'm glad you're both OK," Tifa admitted quietly.

"Thanks. What happened?" Cloud pressed.

"When we got back from the Number 5 Reactor, there was this weird man," Tifa explained quickly. "So, Barret caught him and squeezed some information out of him."

"That's when the Don's name popped up," Cloud remarked. It wasn't a question.

"Right, Don Corneo," Tifa nodded. "Barret told me to leave the lech alone...but something's been bothering me."

"I get it," Harry said. "You came to get the story straight from Corneo's mouth?"

The bartender nodded. "So I made it here, but now I'm in a bind. Corneo...is looking for a bride. Everyday, he gets a few girls, chooses one of them, and then...well...Anyway, I have to be the girl...or I'm out for tonight."

"Sorry, but I overheard that last part," Aeris rejoined them. "If you know the girls, it shouldn't be a problem, right?"

"I guess so, but..."

"Well, we have four here, right?"

"No way, Aeris!" Cloud protested. "I can't let you get involved!"

"Oh, so it's all right for Tifa to be in danger?" the flower girl demanded.

"No, I don't want Tifa in..." Cloud began to defend himself, but was cut off by Tifa.

"Is it all right?" the bartender asked the flower girl. The four of them gathered near the bottom of the stairs.

"I grew up in the slums," Aeris explained, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. "I'm used to danger." She looked at the bartender. "Do you trust me?"

Tifa nodded. "Yes. Thanks, Ms. Aeris."

The flower girl shook her head. "Call me Aeris."

They were interrupted by a voice calling down from the top of the stairs. "Heeeeeey!" They looked up to see the receptionist. "It's time, lades. The Don is waiting!" He turned around to leave, leading them back out to the lobby. "I told ya not to wander around...I tell ya, women nowadays..." He looked back at the quartet. "Hurry up, will ya!?"

"I probably don't need to ask, but..." Cloud began.

"The other girls are...us...right?" Harry finished.

"You're right, there was no need," Tifa began.

"...to ask," Aeris finished.

Harry shuddered. "That was creepy."

Harry's comment aside, the four of them climbed the stairs and reentered the lobby. They were immediately ushered into a very posh office. A fat, balding man in a red bathrobe with white trim (and a line of graying-blonde hair down the center of his head) was smoking a big cigar from behind his desk. Two tall, lanky lackeys stood to either side.

The black-skinned, blonde-haired lackey spoke. "All right, ladies! Line up in front of the Don!"

Tifa stood at the far left of the line. Then it was Harry, Cloud, and Aeris. "Hmm! Good, splendid!" Don Corneo's voice spoke. For some reason, Harry was reminded of burgundy by the sound of his voice. He and Cloud kept their faces down in an effort to further disguise their true gender. However, it seemed to have had the unintended effect of making them look more demure.

Corneo jumped over his desk and checked Aeris out in a rather lewd manner. She didn't fidget. "Now, let's see...Which girl should I choose?" the Don muttered to himself. He went to the opposite end and leered at Tifa. "Hmm-hmm!" He looked at Cloud next, who turned his face away when Corneo tried for a closer look. "This one...?" He peered at Harry next, who watched him from the corner of his eye. "Or this one...?"

Corneo never took his eyes off of Harry. He stepped back and cried, "Woo-hoo! I've made up my mind! My choice for tonight is..." He paused, seemingly for dramatic effect, then went in for Harry. "This dark and mysterious girl!"

Everyone looked at Harry surprised, though none were as shocked as he was. I think I'm gonna be sick, he thought. Out loud, he said, "Wha...wait a second! I mean...er...please wait!"

"Woo-hoo!" Corneo cried in glee. "I love chickies that play hard-to-get! Yeowza!" He turned to his flunkeys. "You can have the rest."

The lackeys saluted. "Yes sir! Thank you, sir!" Impatiently, Corneo tugged on Harry's arm. "Well then...shall we go, my pretty?"

As he was led away, Harry managed to glance back at Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris. Help me! he tried to mouth to them, but then the door shut, blocking them from view. Harry suddenly found himself locked in a room with a man who obviously still believed him to be a girl, and looked ready to have his way, consensual or not.


Everyone had been laughing at Harry's misfortune through the entire scene. No one laughed, however, when they realized that Harry had, in fact, been chosen and taken into the bedroom behind the door.

"Oh, Merlin!" Ginny whined. "Corneo's not going to...is he?"

"He won't," Ron reassured her, though he was pale as well. "Harry's wouldn't let that happen."

"He's a strong lad," Remus agreed. Shacklebolt nodded.

"But still...if Corneo holds a gun to his head...there may not be much he can do about..." Hermione fussed.

"Come off it, 'Mione," Ron scoffed. "That bloke may be a sick, twisted, perverted prat, but he really wouldn't force anyone to actually do anything with a gun at their head." He turned to back to the screen. He didn't say them, but everyone understood the unspoken question, Would he?


Harry: I really, really hate you, Cor.

Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist, Harry.

Harry: seethes

Sirius: That was probably the absolute worst thing you could have said at that moment, Cor.

Probably. Runs away

Harry: chases after him, Gryffindor's Sword in hand

Sirius: laughing I still find this scene uproariously funny.

Remus: gasps

Sirius: What is it, Moony? And how did you get here?

Remus: Merlin, Sirius! You actually used a big word! And in the correct context, too!

Sirius: grumbling Oi! Just because I don't swallow dictionaries in my spare time doesn't mean I'm not intelligent, Moony!

Remus: smirking You said it, not me.

Sirius: Remus! chases him