What was he thinking?

Chapter 15: Kitchen capers

Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer- this is a work of fanfiction.

AN: thanks to furyangoddess for betaing - even though she didn't get to this chapter

I reply to every review (No, really I do) - so if you ask me a question and don't have PM enabled, I can't reply - your choice

Monday

I can't go to school; I will totally fucking lose it and beat the living shit out of some snot nosed kid who looks at me sideways. I run. I just run through the woods. I don't want to phase and share a single thought with any of my alleged 'pack'; my family; my friends –yeah right. Sam doesn't order me to do the patrols he had me down for. I am just losing it big time. That is as big an apology as he is going to give me.

When I am not running I am parked in front of the TV barely even watching what is on.

She is all I can think about; they can't stop me thinking about her, but that almost makes it worse. She doesn't call me. Maybe I was right about her wanting to back off.

Fuck my life.

Tuesday

She still doesn't contact me.

I find myself jacking off every time I think of her until I am raw. Everything reminds me of her; my kitchen; the coffee mugs; the shower – I am so fucked.

Wednesday

I am not eating well and I can't sleep properly. This is fucking killing me. I am being torn apart between the pull of the imprint and the weight of the alpha order.

She doesn't contact me.

Thursday

I can feel her; I can feel how distressed she is.

She wants me, I know she does. I wasn't sure before, but now I can feel her.

I think about going to see her and get hit with a pain so hard I have to stop. Fuck I could get through that imprint heart attack shit before. I just need to want to badly enough.

Friday

I swear I run halfway to Canada. I am actually trying to think of ways to kill myself. I would have to be torn apart, not even sure i would drown properly. Indestructible werewolf here. Can't even try Charlie's favourite of being scraped off the road in a motorcycle accident. Besides that would damage Bella's bike – fuck me… Bella.

I am out running and I swear my cock has come down on the side of the imprint and swung me towards her place. It wasn't a conscious decision but I find myself in the forest at the back of her house.

If I think about this I will die so I just act.

It's raining and I can hear her heartbeat in the kitchen; but not Charlie's; good.

I damn near rip the back door off its hinges. She's there; right there in the kitchen. I can smell her, I can see her, but I still have to touch her. I force myself across the room and grab her. I'm not gentle. The second I touch her I feel a little better. I am fighting with myself and I say "fuck the order." I don't realize I said it out loud until later.

She squeaks out my name as if she is not sure it is really me. I'm not sure it is really me either.

I grab her and try to suck her face off. My hands are tangled in her hair and I am wild. She is mine and I have to have her.

I think for a second she is going to fight me off. Fuck, I didn't think of that. And then she snaps.

She starts to clutch at me as if she is trying to get me closer to her. She is biting at my tongue in her mouth and sucking at me. That she needs me as badly as I need her, just sets me on fire. I need to fuck her here and now. I pick her up and put her ass on the counter. No time for the bedroom. I need to be buried in her now.

I just tear her shirt apart and I make a noise; fuck I'm sobbing. I have missed her so badly. Thank the fuck she has a skirt on because jeans would have slowed me down too much. I am shoving it up her thighs and trying to reach her panties. I feel her scrabbling at my cock; thank the fuck she wants me as badly as I want her.

I am biting her neck like an animal and I tear her undies apart. I can hear her moan and that shit goes straight to my cock; it feels like it is twice its normal size. She says "please." Oh fuck…hang on baby this is going to be rough… and I slam into her.

I don't stop; I am just pounding into her. Fuck, I banged her head into the cupboards but I can't stop. She is scratching and clawing at my back now. I have to go deeper. I want to bury myself inside her. I lift her knee and spread her right out for me. I am bottoming out with every stroke and she is moaning as I slam into her cervix. It hurts so good. She is pulling my hair and I just keep pounding away. I am grunting now as she wails and wraps her leg around me. She is just trying to hang on.

"Oh, God…ah…yes…oh yes…Paul…," she is shaking from the effort and then she pulls my mouth towards her and bites me.

Fuck me. I groan and drive into her harder. She just screams my name as I slam into her one last time and I explode into her. I keep coming and coming as if I want to fill her up; as if it is my last chance to do so. I shudder and bury my face in her neck. I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry for everything.

I wait. I am suddenly frightened she is going to tear me new one.

"Paul…what the hell…," she asks me. Fuck like I know what I am doing? Oh she is going to panic again. I murmur some kind of apology but then she surprises me; she grabs at me and holds me. She doesn't want me to leave. My heart nearly does a fucking back flip.

She shouts at me, "Hey…you…didn't you hear me say please?" I love this woman; I seriously love her. She tells me to stay with her. I can't stay away from you, are you kidding? I feel her kiss the side of my face.

I try to apologise again but she won't let me.

"Don't apologise; that was amazing. Well except for the headache from where you banged my head on the cupboards." She rubs at her head "I thought the headache is supposed to stop the sex," she giggles. I must look horrified. I slammed her head into the cupboards pretty hard. Might have trouble explaining why she has concussion at casualty. That would bring on a Black attack.

We get ourselves back together, well at least I do, Bella's clothes are torn apart. Fuck I didn't even get her bra off.

"Well if that's what I get when you don't call me for a week …," she nags.

A week; no way could I have made it through a week. "Five days," I interrupt "That was five days."

"Wow," We look at each other. Wow five days. If that doesn't tell her what is going on, I don't know what the hell will. Maybe if you had manned up and told her about the imprint before this fucking alpha order Waggener. Yeah shutup already.

She hugs me and reminds me that Charlie is packing; I may be wild but I am never stupid. I knew he wasn't at home I tell her.

"My legs; I think you might have to carry me up the stairs."

"I always carry you up the stairs," I tell her. Hell I will carry her everywhere for the rest of her life, if we can get out of this cluster fuck that I have got us into.

"Yeah I've noticed that."

I get her upstairs and we just hug. She strokes my hair. Fuck I could do this all day.

"Paul," she ventures "Can you tell me what is going on? Is this one of those weird things where you can't speak to me?"

And just like that I get slammed by the order again and I can't answer her. She tells me we will work it out together. Fuck I hope so; before this shit kills me.

"Funny," she commented quietly "We found things to match our life in Jane Eyre and now we're doing Romeo and Juliet?"

"Two households, both alike in dignity…," I recite the first lines.

"I prefer to think of you as Mr. Rochester; at least they got a happy ending."

I snort, "Yeah right; didn't he go blind?"

She sends me off to the shower and says she will get changed and tidy up a bit. She must be worried about Charlie coming in.

I stand in the shower that smells so much like her and feel like my entire world is crumbling. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this. I am royally fucked. I imprint; I fuck it up by rejecting her; then she wants me, but not all of me, just my cock; then I get ordered to stay away from her. If you wrote a book nobody would believe it. It's a fucking soap opera.

I put my tattered shorts back on and head down to the kitchen. Fuck she had better open a window or get the bleach out; it smells like sex in here. I can't resist, I hug her from behind just to touch her. I let out a sigh like my fucking heart is breaking; I think it almost is.

And then she knocks me sideways. She tells me it must be an alpha order. I mean she uses those exact words. I can't move; I can't even blink. She seems to know that.

Bella Swan, you are so good with weird. And so smart; have I ever told you how smart you are? So she tells me she is just going to call me and see me because they can't stop her. Oh baby, they will try to stop you.

I have to fight for her; I have to. And then she cements it for me.

"I can't go five days like that again. I nearly went mad," she says.

I look tortured; you nearly went mad? Fuck, me too.

"Please, Bella…don't…just…," I try to tell her Sam and the council have it all sewn up, but she is unstoppable and my jaw is just locked shut tight. I remember admiring how tenacious she was before, when they ordered Jake to stay away from her and she didn't stay away from him. I love you; you are my imprint. I am trying to tell her with my eyes. But she is babbling on about her cunning plan.

She has lots of ideas and then she puts her fingers on my lips and I manage to kiss them. I can't even write her a fucking note.

"I will find lots of reasons to help Emily and visit Jake and be in La Push; maybe that will work?" she looks hopeful; I just shrug. Fucked if I know. It may be worth a try. At the very least I get to see her, to hear her. It may be enough to keep me sane.

She hugs me and tells me I should leave before Charlie shoots me. I did think of that but Charlie has seen enough of the shit in my life; he doesn't need to do that for me too. Put the dog out of its misery.