What was he thinking?
Chapter 16: Bad puppy
Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer- this is a work of fanfiction.
AN: thanks to furyangoddess for betaing – go read her stories and leave her nice reviews too
As I run back to the rez I can feel the order tightening up on me again. Like I somehow managed to skirt around it before. Fuck knows how. Guess I wasn't thinking about it.
I scrub myself raw again. I am sick of living in the shower. I am sick of erasing her from my body. I want to smell like her. I want her to smell like me. I want her to be mine. I want all this shit sorted out so I can live my life.
I buy some groceries and try to act normal. Probably do a better job of it than I have for the last few days. Being close to her has kind of recharged my batteries you know?
Fuck my life.
Saturday
I get through Saturday. I am seriously shirking on the pack duties but I don't give a fuck. I suppose I should, if I can get Sam on my side he might argue with the council for me. Somehow I don't think doing extra patrols is going to do it now. Sam and I are pretty pissed off with each other right now. Fuck I am no good at this politics shit and I have alienated 90% of the board members by literally fucking with their families. Except the Clearwaters; I snort to myself, I never did go there.
The pack is all avoiding me like the plague. They have been told to chaperone me if Bella shows up but they don't know why. Jake is starting to suspect that I did something to hurt her. Like I could hurt her, well not deliberately. The rest of the time they leave me to sulk alone.
Emily is trying to look after me. It is so sweet and typical for the pack 'mum'. I have no idea how much she knows. It occurs to me that I fucked this right up from the start. If I had got Emily onside she would have fought for me. She has a lot of influence on Sam; probably more than he realises. She backed the imprint with Sam against Leah and after he almost literally tore her face off. You fucked up Waggener. Yeah let me count the ways...
I keep asking myself why I rejected the imprint. I didn't really know Bella. I didn't know how pretty, how smart, how funny and how sexy she is. I want her…I want her so badly.
Sunday
I go for a run and overhear Jake and Embry talking. Jake wants to know what this weird chaperone order is about. He asks Embry if I hurt Bella. Thank the fuck Embry says no because Bella is not frightened of me. Embry says it is something to do with the council but he doesn't know what. Just as well, Jake beating me to a bloody pulp would just make my week.
Emily is feeding me sandwiches when I hear Bella's truck coming. I almost have a coronary. I fight everything to stay sitting at the table. I can't move. Emily gives me a weird look but leaves me alone. Within half an hour Bella and Jake walk in the door.
I can hear her heart jump at the sight of me; why can't everyone else? Maybe I am just so attuned to her now. She says hello and manages to rub me on the shoulder as she walks past. I keep my arm under the table and stroke her leg. It takes everything in me to just manage that simple gesture.
She tells me she is coming out on Tuesday at 4; she doesn't ask so I don't have to say no. She gives the impression that 'no' is not an option. I love this girl.
Is that one touch enough to get me through Monday? It will have to be, I am not going to get any more. I worry. She doesn't look well. Can other people see that or is it just me because of the imprint? Maybe she is not sleeping well. Maybe she is having the same fucked up dreams that I am.
She leaves me messages on my phone. I keep playing them over and over and jerking off to the sound of her voice. So fucked up in so many ways. They are not even sexy messages. Maybe one day we can work on phone sex Bella? But only if we can get out of this hole I have managed to dig for us both.
She arrives for our tutoring session and kisses me quickly. We sit down like good little children. She holds my hand in the middle of the table. I could just cry; this is killing me. I hear Embry coming and have to let go of her hand.
I feel better when she is here but I can feel her getting more confused and upset.
I am having the weirdest dreams. I am lost in the woods fucking looking for something. Am I looking for Bella? Is she looking for me? I never get lost in the woods; I'm a freaking werewolf for fucks sake! They must be Bella's dreams and I am getting a double feature.
She doesn't come out again.
I understand why, but I am this close to losing it so badly. I am in the kitchen looking for something to eat when I catch sight of the calendar and realise it is a whole year since my parents pissed off. That just knocks me sideways.
I find myself raiding my money jar and heading for the liquor store. I buy three bottles of tequila with all the money I have saved for the last few months and start walking through the forest. Drinking as I go.
By nightfall I am outside Forks and heading like a fucking homing beacon for her. It isn't a conscious decision. I phase at one stage and run around in a fucking circle pretending to be Quil. Chase my tail. Makes me dizzier. I remember the kitchen fuck and decide I want some more of that. I phase back, get dressed and open the last bottle.
I try to stay quiet. Maybe I can sleep on the porch and be near her but I am too pissed and I drop the last empty bottle on the step. Charlie and Bella come out to investigate. I am so dead. Charlie starts yelling at me; nothing I haven't heard before. At least he doesn't shoot me.
Bella looks so distraught. I try to hug her but I miss and fall on the floor. I try to hug her foot instead. She and Charlie are fighting over me; now I am fucking up more of her life for her. She wins. Fuck; formidable woman. I get carried inside. Yay, go me.
I get a nice lie down on their couch and then it gets better, Bella pulls my head onto her lap. Charlie says something about it being a year and I try to tell Bella but between the order and the tequila all I can manage is, "Left me".
Charlie understands though; I think I like that guy. He launches into my whole sorry fucking history. Ouch; sounds bad when he puts it like that. Bella is crying. I can't move. I stay where I am. Oh baby, don't cry for me; I'm okay. I'm okay now.
She tries to apologise for wanting to fuck me; hey not necessary baby. Believe me, it made my year. I manage to tell her she is mine. I just haven't worked out how we will work all this out yet.
She tells me stay; like a bad puppy. I stay. I'm happy here, close to her. I'd be happier in her bed but Charlie really would shoot me.
AN: this was always the weakest part of the story in my opinion, but never mind, it is what it is and I can't change it now if I have to fit with her POV. Oh well – sigh.