Sasori sighed and knocked on Hinata's bedroom door.
"Hinata?"
Hinata came to the door and opened it. "Come to r-return my pathetic box?" Hinata said bitterly.
"I didn't mean to call you pathetic," Sasori sighed, leaning his head back. "I meant the fact that you take all of that crap is pathetic."
"W-What is it you want, S-Sasori?"
"I need to use your PC."
Hinata only nodded and opened the door wider. Sasori walked into the room. The walls were painted dark green; the furniture was a light birch wood and in the corner, on her desk, was a PC.
Sasori sat in her desk while she continued to fold her laundry on her bed.
He logged onto Instant Messaging.
Sharingan has started a conversation with you
Sasori clicked on the pop-up.
Sharingan: Yo
Scorpion has joined the conversation
Scorpion: Hey Itachi.
Sharkman has joined the conversation
Pein has joined the conversation
Kuzu has joined the conversation
Sharingan: Nagato, call Konan and get her on here.
Pein: K, give me a minute.
Hidan has joined the conversation
DD has joined the conversation
Hidan: duckers in the hizzy!
Scorpion: duckers?
Hidan: shit. Shut up Sasori. My iPhone has an AutoCorrect thing.
Scorpion: hah.
Hidan: I said shut the FUCK UP!
Scorpion: what happened to AutoCorrect?
Hidan: … it goes away if I delete a few letters and try again.
Scorpion: HAH.
DD: Hey.
Sharingan: Hey Deidara.
Hidan: What the fuck is up with that crappy screen name, Deidara? It looks like a goddamn bra size.
Deidara: Screw you.
Hidan: Good, you fucking changed it.
Sharingan: Nagato how long does it take to make a six second phone call that should just say "Hello, go on IM, bye"?
Pein: GIVE ME A MINUTE
Hidan: Don't fucking use caps because it screws shit up alright?
Sharkman: What kind of shit?
Hidan: The voice in my head that reads every fucking thing you guys say on here shit, Kisame.
Sharkman: Shino is reading over my shoulder. Stop cursing.
Sharkman: I don't mind.
Sharkman: That was Shino.
KONAN has joined the conversation
KONAN: Why does it look like so far it's just Kisame talking to himself? Sharkman: Sharkman: Sharkman:
Sharingan: That took long enough, Konan.
Scorpion: You get used to disappointment from Konan, Itachi. It's not her fault she's running some sort of phone sex business.
Pein: WTH.
Sharingan: watch it, Sasori.
Scorpion: Whatever. I can so take Nagato.
Pein: Oh, you wanna go?
KONAN: Why are we all here?
Kuzu: Oh, hey Konan. I go to get some peanut butter from Shikamaru's fridge and I come back here and I find you online. What a nice surprise.
Pein: … You're weird.
Kuzu: :'(
Deidara: yeah Kakuzu, just … I don't know, call Zetsu or something. Get him on.
Kuzu: Can't, dog boy doesn't have a computer. Or Wi-Fi
Scorpion: That's lame.
Kuzu: … I know, right?
Sharingan: Seriously, you both sound gay.
Scorpion: You're gay.
Sharingan: That's cute.
Scorpion: Not gonna work on me.
Sharingan: Heh. Worked on Sasuke.
Deidara: are we here to just talk about Sasuke?
Sharingan: Yep.
Hidan: FUCK Ino's parents just found my Hustler stash.
Sharkman: Eeewwww…
Pein: Kisame you're not a little boy anymore.
Kuzu: Hahaha PEINIS.
Pein: Yeah, I call it a PEINIS. Because it's so fricken huge I imagine it hurts.
Scorpion: Oh, please.
KONAN: So we need to get Sasuke a girl?
Scorpion: Yeah Itachi, what was that phone call all about?
Sharingan: my new plan. Operation Missing-nin Matchmaker.
Kuzu: Ooh, alliteration.
Hidan: Kakuzu, no one the fuck cares or even knows what you just said.
Kuzu: Shikamaru does.
Shikaman: Yeah, I do.
Sharingan: Shikamaru?
KONAN: INTRUDER ALERT!
Kuzu: SHIKAMARU?
Hidan: All these fucking caps! Gah!
Sharkman: How did you get in without that whole Shikaman has joined the conversation thing?
Shikaman: I'm an accomplished hacker. I'm in Advanced Comm Tech this semester.
Pein: what are they teaching kids these days …?
Hina: Linguistics and algebra.
Scorpion: HINATA?
.
Sasori swivelled around from the PC to see Hinata smiling up at him from her laptop.
"Hm. You have a laptop."
"Yes … I-I was given the money that was supposed t-to be my inheritance when I was disowned … I think the Elders f-felt sorry for me."
"Where are you putting all this money, then? You're obviously not using it on me," Sasori pouted.
Hinata rolled her eyes. "O-Oh, I don't know, Sasori, I have other things besides you … food, plumbing, electricity?"
.
Sharingan: Sasori, you let her on?
Scorpion: Swear I didn't.
Hina: Shikamaru got me on.
Shikaman: Heh.
Kuzu: This isn't good … if only we had Zetsu and his espionage skills right now to figure out what to do.
Sharkman: Didn't you already say Zetsu's dog family doesn't have a computer?
KONAN: I imagine the dogs would probably eat it.
Pein: Silly Konan, the only things that can eat computers are the tailed beasts.
KONAN: because getting involved with the tailed beasts has worked out so well for us.
Sharingan: Yeah, I agree, let's just get back to my brother.
Shikaman: Oh, so we're talking about Sasuke?
Hina: Shikamaru, maybe we should leave…
Deidara: Yes, please.
Shikaman: It doesn't matter if Hinata leaves, because I'm not gonna.
Kuzu: LEAVE OR I'M TELLING YOUR DAD YOU PUNCHED A GIRL TODAY.
Scorpion: … I am so glad I didn't end up choosing him now.
Hidan: Kakuzu! What did I say about caps! If you want to make it seem like you're yelling, use lots of punctuation!
Scorpion: Oh,,,,,,, yeah ….. I''''''m so yelling now,,, huh,,, Hidan?
Hidan: Just shut the fuck up Sasori
Scorpion: Hah. Win.
Sharingan: There's an easier way around this, guys … let's just ignore Shikamaru and Hinata.
Scorpion: Hinata already left. She went to take out the trash.
Sharingan: She's a good girl.
Shikaman: I'm not going to get off just because you'll call me a good boy, Itachi.
KONAN: Should we abort?
Hidan: What the fuck we aren't even pregnant.
Pein: You're so dumb it's almost funny, Hidan. But it's not.
Hidan: Thanks for that, butthead.
Pein: The only thing funny about you is your face.
Deidara: Hah. That was funny.
Sharingan: I think Hidan gets it.
Shikaman: Shit, Kakuzu!
Kuzu: Haha, he left. I told his dad he impregnated a girl.
Sharingan: thanks.
Kuzu: Hidan and Konan just gave me that idea.
Hidan: No one's fucking going to believe he impregnated a girl. What is he, fifteen?
Scorpion: shit happens.
Kuzu: thank you, Sasori.
Scorpion: anytime.
Deidara: Wait Itachi, you said you think Sasuke would be ok with cotton-candy-head?
KONAN: Her name is Sakura.
Deidara: who cares.
Pein: ouch.
Sharingan: yeah, I was thinking about it, why? Her, or maybe that buns girl. Or the girl with the fan. Or the Hyuuga.
Scorpion: EX-Hyuuga.
Hidan: I noticed you didn't say Ino. Good for you.
Deidara: well, Naruto here likes cotton-candy-head and he doesn't want to give her up to Sasuke.
Hidan: So? I don't see why this is a fucking problem, we can just ignore the dumb shit.
Deidara: I told him the story of Orochimaru at the nightclub.
Scorpion: Man that was one fucked up night.
Hidan: No kidding.
Sharingan: Why did you tell him that story? It's degrading.
Scorpion: Yeah.
Deidara: because he's pretty horrible at picking up chicks, too.
Sharingan: then why should I worry about him and cotton-candy-head?
Pein: Ancient saying: if you ignore something long enough…
KONAN: … it stops bothering you.
Kuzu: Aw, you guys complete each other.
Scorpion: Just like Orochimaru's been ignoring his genital herpes for the past eight years, and I bet they still bother him.
Deidara: LOL!
Pein: Hahaha Sasori…
Sharingan: How do you know he has genital herpes?
Scorpion: I found him trying to sell some of the cheap treatment on eBay. Screen name OrochimaruSnakeMaster22.
KONAN: That's just gross.
Sharingan: … Okay, so we gotta get rid of Naruto. Sasori, that's your job.
Scorpion: What? What am I supposed to do?
Deidara: You just have to make him unattractive to cotton-candy-head.
Scorpion: How the hell do I do that?
Hidan: You can't fucking make attractive people unattractive, look at me and the battle against age. It's freaking inevitable that my face stays sexy shit.
Kuzu: …Okay, that was almost incomprehensible.
Hidan: You're fucking incomprehensible.
KONAN: Sakura cares a lot about her reputation. She wouldn't be interested in Naruto if he was really socially degrading.
Scorpion: I'm not going to humiliate a fellow man in public. That's low.
Pein: I think that ship sailed with the Orochimaru herpes bomb.
Sharingan: I agree with Nagato.
Scorpion: fine. How hard can it be? Just, turn a perfectly normal boy into a village idiot who is seen as demeaning and undignified in every conceivable way … like Kakuzu.
Scorpion: No offense, Kakuzu.
Kuzu: …Too late,
Scorpion: Yeah, sorry.
Kuzu: No, you're not.
Scorpion: No, I am not.
Sharingan: I also need to get rid of that freaky blond girl.
Hidan: Ino … I can take care of that … she fucking ratted my porn out.
Sharkman: That's still gross…
KONAN: Only now do I feel the full weight of being the only female Akatsuki member.
Pein: Sorry. If I'd known it would be uncomfortable for you, I'd have gotten a few more girls.
Sharingan: Nah, girls aren't really strong … or competent …
Pein: yeah, that's true. Maybe a transvestite.
KONAN: … forget I said anything.
Deidara: easier said than done.
Sharingan: I don't need Ino killed, Hidan. I just need her preoccupied.
Sharkman: What about the hacker?
Kuzu: Shikamaru?
Scorpion: Yeah, him.
Deidara: You mean … hook them up?
Pein: I thought this was only supposed to be hooking up ONE guy and ONE girl. That being Sasuke.
Sharingan: … If this is what it takes, I gotta try. Kisame?
Sharkman: Yeah, I can do it. Call me cupid.
KONAN: No, thanks.
Deidara: Well … now we've got this all figured out.
Sharingan: Sure do.
Pein: YO SASORI! I just found Orochimaru on eBay! HAH! What if … what if as a joke … I bid for his stuff … Hahaha … I'm totally gonna!
.
.
.
The next morning was Dante's Day. All of the girls were equally disappointed that the Akatsuki members only exchanged gifts with each other, so they showered their favourites with their own gifts.
Itachi was surrounded by a seemingly endless crowd of girls; Sasori and Kakuzu and Nagato and Deidara were packed in tightly, KONAN and Kisame were nowhere to be seen and Zetsu was keeping his distance, eyeing the crazed girls hungrily.
.
.
.
Kisame looked on as Shikamaru and Choji and Ino sat down at lunch.
He'd promised Itachi that he would try and get Ino to hook up with the lazy-ass so that she'd get her paws off Sasuke for the cotton-candy-head.
I really need to get rid of that fatty, Kisame cursed from his hiding-spot. But how? … I'll just go for the direct approach.
He walked straight up to them and took a seat in between Choji and Shikamaru. "Hey there, guys," he drawled, in what he hoped was an appropriate schoolboy tone.
"Hey," Shikamaru said, not caring.
Choji swallowed noisily.
"So, uh …" Kami, dammit, I really got to get the fat one out of here. Kisame, struck with a thought, suddenly seized the bag of chips and shoved it down Ino's low-cut top. It was the first thing that his hand jumped into.
"EW! GROSS! YOU PERVERT!" Ino shrieked.
"My hand slipped," Kisame said, closing his eyes nonchalantly.
"There are crumbs … all in my bra!" Ino whined.
"Go get a new bag of chips," Kisame ordered to Choji.
"Nah, I'm pretty full…"
Kisame touched the blade of his sword. "For me."
Choji gulped and ran off.
"Now … lazy one … help her pick all of these crumbs out of her shirt like a gentleman," Kisame demanded of Shikamaru as Ino fumbled.
"You mean like a pervert? No freaking way," Shikamaru droned.
"JUST DO IT!" Pissed off, Kisame grabbed Shikamaru's wrist and yanked it so hard that Shikamaru's whole body was thrown with the force towards Ino.
"Agh, my hand actually touched her skin," Shikamaru groaned.
"Now my chest is all greasy," Ino pouted.
"Take the goddamn hint, boy, she's hitting you up," Kisame muttered into Shikamaru's ear.
Shikamaru glared. "I don't care."
"She just told you her chest is wet. God, that's hot, huh?" Kisame had to choke down a bit of his lunch coming up.
Shikamaru made a face. "Yeah, wet with grease … that makes it about as hot as touching a girl who just got off working the kitchen shift at a fast-food place…"
"Don't be a pessimist," Kisame growled. "Maybe if you tried, she'd be your girlfriend already."
"I don't want a girlfriend," Shikamaru sighed. "They're so troublesome."
Kisame dropped a sweat. "Eh … she really does look like she's having a hard time…"
Shikamaru groaned. "Fine. What a drag." He offered Ino some help, but she kicked his knee in and called him a pervert.
Kisame walked away as Choji returned, asking what had happened. There was awkwardness between Shikamaru and Ino, and neither of them would so much as look at each other again for the entire afternoon.
Kisame groaned. Mission failed. Sorry, Itachi.
.
.
.
Sasori was ditching class. He was spying on Sakura's classroom.
He was supposed to be trying to get her to say goodbye to Naruto. Once and for all.
Kami, he thought, this is the last time I do a favour for Itachi.
Now it was Sasori's job to boot Naruto out of the picture for good.
Sasori sighed. He would have to do something to humiliate the poor blond boy in front of the whole class in order to get Sakura to really stay away from him … but what?
Let's start with this, he thought. He took his newest creation from his pocket – a puppet that was the size of a candy sweet.
Sasori manoeuvred the mini puppet with quick hands, fingers moving so fast they were a blur. The puppet climbed up Naruto's chair suspiciously and dropped a sheet of paper on Naruto's desk.
Sasori pulled back the puppet, satisfied, as he watched Naruto read the sheet. It was scripture – sleep-inducing seals much like the ones used in the Earth and Heaven scrolls at the Chunin exams … but Sasori had had the genjutsu behind it modified.
Naruto was probably dreaming about Sakura right now …
Perfect timing. The teacher, a hideously obese woman, came sauntering past, tapping Naruto's desk to ask him to read aloud for the class.
"Naruto? Naruto!" The teacher's eyes narrowed. "What is this? Is your phone vibrating in your pocket?"
She grabbed whatever she had seen moving in his pants – and it wasn't his phone.
It was all natural, Sasori smirked. The woman's eyes widened and she jumped away.
"Agh!" she shrieked. "It's an ERECTION!"
Naruto woke up, his head snapping up and immediately flushing red as he realized all eyes were on him. "E-Eh, what …? S-Sakura?" he mumbled, looking down. His face was as red as a tomato.
"Eh! Sensei! I … I …"
"NARUTO, WHY WERE YOU … WHY?" The woman screamed, tears in her eyes.
"I don't know!" Naruto shouted, eyes wide. "T-The last thing I remember is looking across the room at S-Sasuke-bastard, and then I fell asleep …"
The class laughed. Sasuke groaned. Sasori thought he might wet himself. The mission was coming along on its own.
"Naruto," the teacher whispered, "are you GAY?"
Oh, yes. The humiliation was sure-fire.
The class laughed harder. Naruto jumped on his chair and looked down his nose at the teacher.
"I'm not GAY! If I was GAY I would have gotten that erection from you because you look so much like a MAN!"
Sasori's jaw dropped. He had crossed the line, on his own.
The teacher grabbed his collar and yanked him down. "DETENTION FOR YOU! And wait until the whole entire school board knows … Naruto Uzumaki is GAY," she sneered.
"LIAR," Naruto screamed, jumping up and down in frustration. "You're a SHE-MAN! You're UGLY! ADMIT IT! You only teach six classes because YOU'RE IN A SEX-LESS MARRIAGE!"
"Oh, no such sex life could compete with that of yours and Sasuke's," the teacher said back.
Sasuke Uchiha clenched his hand in a fist and jumped to his feet. "Take that back!"
"Naruto and Sasuke, sitting in a car … are they naked, yes they are!" The teacher sang.
This has backfired in so many ways, Sasori mused, watching the teacher tease the two boys about their sexuality.
"You're a fat, ugly manwhore," Sasuke snarled.
The teacher gasped. "Oh, take that back!"
"You're ugly!" Naruto sang, on top of the desk. "You UGLY! You UGLY! U … G … L … Y … You ain't got no alibi! You straight-up UGLY!"
The class hooted and wolf-whistled their agreement. The teacher was fuming.
"You!" she said to Sasuke. "You're going straight into detention! Sit back down! Naruto! Go to the Principal's office, that man can deal with you!"
"I'd rather have him deal with me, because you're more of a man than he is."
The class were practically cheering as Naruto walked his walk-of-fame out into the hall.
Sasori sighed. Mission failed. Sorry, Itachi.
.
.
.
Hinata found Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto sitting around a tree outside. Sakura and Naruto were practically throwing death threats at the circle of girls who hovered nearby.
"Let's just go," Hinata heard Sakura murmur. "I know a more private place."
The boys followed Sakura, and so did Hinata – at a distance. She concealed her chakra and made sure not to make a sound as she did. With her Byakugan, though, she had no worries about losing them.
They were in a crook of the forest. Hinata watched Sakura give Sasuke a necklace with a silver chain and a sakura blossom pendant. It was then that she decided to step out into the open.
Sakura blushed and looked at Hinata as her chakra presence became known. "H-Hinata-chan … hi! Um … I'll leave."
Sakura knew that Hinata liked Naruto. And she also knew that Naruto liked herself. She didn't want to stick around for Hinata's embarrassment and her own.
Hinata nodded gratefully and walked up to Naruto. "N-Naruto-kun, I-I needed to tell you something … I-I-I really – really l-l-like …"
"-me?" Naruto finished, surprised. "You like me? Hinata-chan, you're cute and all, but Sakura-chan is the only one for me! I'm in love with her!" he announced boldly. "Sorry, but I gotta catch up to her. Maybe we can hang out later though…!"
Naruto raced off into the direction Sakura had left in. Hinata closed her eyes and sighed, leaning against the trunk of the tree and sinking to the ground.
"Don't cry over the dobe."
Hinata looked up, startled. It was Sasuke; she realized with a start that he'd never agreed to leave them alone during her confession. "S-S-Sorry, Uchiha-s-san…"
"Don't apologize to me, either," Sasuke snapped. "You're-"
He was about to say pathetic. But suddenly a memory surfaced at the back of his mind – Aki and her bullying words. Sasuke stopped himself just in time. "You're – not the kind of girl who deserves Naruto," he corrected.
Hinata attempted a weak smile. "A-Arigato, Uchiha-san …" Hinata reached into her pocket and pulled out the white box with the white ribbon. "U-Uchiha-san, I-I … want you to t-take my D-Dante's gift."
She handed him the white box and he hesitated before taking it. He knew he should feel insulted that he was her 'second', but he couldn't help feeling different. It definitely wasn't like when the other girls thrust their own gift boxes on him.
Sasuke lifted the lid to see a necklace with a black leather rope and a tiny shuriken pendant. The shuriken reminded him of his childhood, when he would ask Itachi to help him with his technique. He decided he'd wear this necklace, and fastened it around his neck. In his pocket, the sakura blossom chain jingled sadly.
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.
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I love how Nagato wanted to buy Orochimaru's stuff on eBay. I was just visualizing that and started grinning like an idiot.
PS. You can picture Nagato however you want. But I still see him as Deva Pain. I just like calling him by his name. (Deva Pain is the one with spiky orange hair and piercings everywhere … Yeah …)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own eBay or any account that might on the off-chance have the username OrochimaruSnakeMaster22. It was just a made-up name. But I'm sure you all know that.