A/N: Hello my fans. Anyway I've changed a few things, as you'll have noticed. Scenes that don't change character focus, like the same characters only in different areas, now feature a new break and the Chapter is centered. The others will be updated like this soon enough.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but I do own your attention which is tentamount to your souls in this day and age.
Chapter 9
Such Language!
Naruto sat up in his bed on Saturday and yawned. It was barely past sunrise and he was ready to get things going. He looked at the sun, just over the horizon, and then at Yui. As usual she had rolled into a ball around Ko-chan and was snoring gently. Naruto woke her up a different way each day merely because he thought her reactions were adorable.
He tickled her just above her thigh and she wiggled away from him. He followed her with his hand until she opened her eyes. "Tired…"
"I know but we have to get the stuff for the party remember?" he asked as he nudged her. She sighed and sat up.
"Yes. If I must…" she said playfully. She got off the bed and quickly undressed heading to the shower. Naruto followed her and they bathed together again.
"So what are the things we need Naruto-sama?" Yui asked as she took a towel to his head.
"I can dry my hair myself!" he grumbled.
"The spikes in it say you cannot," she countered as she forced him to sit on the toilet and let her do the work.
"Anyway…we need some extra food, sukiyaki is good but it won't be enough for the horses that will be coming over. I have a serving platter that would work for some finger foods. Do you think a big dish would be good for like a meal or something?"
Yui began to squeeze the water from his bangs, "I'm sure the sukiyaki will be good, let's focus on smaller foods that won't make anyone too tired or full. Do we have glasses?"
"Yeah."
"Plates?"
"Yeah."
"We'll need the ingredients for the sukiyaki and more drinks. Also it would be good if we got a fold out table and a sheet to put things on." She took the towel off and began to dry her own hair, moving to their bedroom.
"And you need some more clothes right?" Naruto asked following her. He blinked and couldn't help but blush a little as she bent over to look in her bags, as she hadn't even put a towel on.
"Yes…just a shirt and some pants for tomorrow would be good for now. You haven't had any missions lately so I'll pay for them." Naruto bopped her on the head. Her eyes teared up and she held the spot where he struck her. "Ow! Why did you do that Naruto-sama?" Tears formed in the corners of her eyes.
"Because you said we should pay for everything together. Your clothes will be worn while serving me right?" he asked winking. She smiled and nodded. "So I'll have a say in it. Now let's get the clothes we need for today on and go shopping!"
"Of course Naruto-sama!"
Tenten fiddled with her fingers as she stared at the house in front of her. She was embarrassed for even thinking about this. But this was the only person she could go to. Slowly she pressed the doorbell. As it rang inside she heard a loud happy voice.
"I GOT IT!" the door suddenly unlocked and opened a young boy with spikey black hair and bright red eyes gazed up at her. "TENTEN-NEECHAN!" he cried leaping at her. Gasping Tenten grabbed the flying Sarutobi Tousa and fell backward. If Kurenai had not appeared and grabbed her belt the two would have gone tumbling down her stoop.
"Hello Tenten, how are you?"
"F-fine Kurenai-sempai…"
"Come in won't you?"
Tenten straightened up and carried Tousa inside. As soon as he had gotten tired of Tenten, which was two minutes at most, he leapt to his mother, who caught him on the fly and glared into his eyes. He laughed and put his hands together. "KAI!" he called.
Tenten blinked. Did she just try to cast a genjutsu on him? And did he just dispel it?
"Sorry about the little surprise here," Kurenai said as she put her son down and patted his back toward the kitchen. "He gets tired after breakfast but his second wind kicks in whenever someone knocks. What did you need Tenten?"
"Well I wanted to ask you something…something private…"
Kurenai blinked herself. "Tenten, just because your period is late doesn't mean that you're pregnant in fact I still had mine when-"
"THAT'S NOT IT!" Tenten screamed her face crimson.
"NOT IT!" Tousa cried as he dashed by, a bowl of some cereal made of pure sugar in his hands.
"IN THE KITCHEN TOUSA!" Kurenai bellowed at him. "Sorry Tenten, how about we sit down and you tell me what it is?"
They did, as Kurenai made her some coffee Tenten recounted what happened. When she got to the part about Tsunade and Naruto Kurenai almost dropped her cup. She blushed deeply and looked down at the coffee she had barely tasted.
"It…no. Not even Tsunade could get that drunk…"
"I really don't think he set the whole thing up for me to feel weird either. Could Tsunade-sama have made an illusion and done that to Naruto?"
"No. One Tsunade-sama isn't that good at genjutsu and two she wouldn't do anything that would hurt Naruto like that. He's like a son to her in any case…" Kurenai stopped as she realized what she had just said. "Well there's a good chance it…may…have happened. But what does that have to do with you Tenten besides the possible trauma?"
Tenten grew solemn. She held her coffee cup in both hands. "How…how did you know you were in love with Asuma?"
Kurenai looked at her and smiled. "I think it was when I didn't feel like seeing anyone else besides him. Why do you ask Tenten? Are you in love with Naruto?" Tenten blushed. "No I don't think you are."
"What why not?" sputtered Tenten.
"Because it wouldn't have taken learning about a woman he had sex with to make you ask the question. If you really did love him it would have been a more serious relationship…" Kurenai then remembered what Anko had said. "Are you sure it's Tsunade you're feeling jealous towards…or this 'Yui' girl?"
"Well…"
"Tenten, here how about you just try and remain calm around Naruto. Don't think about things like love just yet. If you really feel that way then try and spend more time with him. Also don't focus on any one man if there's a chance he won't be looking for the same from you. It makes things less complicated and easier to handle in case he does decide to be with you.
"So just relax and take things easy okay?" she asked.
Tenten smiled and nodded. She rose and bowed to Kurenai. "Thank you very much Kurenai-sempai. I'll see you around. Good day," she turned and headed for the door. "Goodbye Tousa!"
"Bye fucktard!"
Kurenai winced as she saw Tenten gape and blink at Tousa. "Well…it'sbeengoodtoseeyouTentengoodluckwithbaggingfoxy (1)!" Kurenai ranted as she threw Tenten out. Glaring at her son, who happily ignored his mother and went to go draw on the walls, Kurenai held up her shaking fist. "On my chain smoking lover's soul I'll get that horny snake girl for this if me name isn't Yuhi-Sarutobi Kurenai!"
Somewhere said snake girl sneeze all over her dango.
Kiba stretched and stalked into his kitchen. Even the cold shower he took this morning hadn't woken him up entirely. He looked around and saw his mother drinking some coffee while Kuromaru, her canine partner, read the morning paper. He was in human form and was chewing on a bone.
"Morning bitch," he grumbled. Kiba snarled at him. "Don't do that. I can call the boy who passed out from one kiss anything I want. Right Tsume?"
"Yep," she said as she blew on her coffee and drank some. "Really son I was so sad when I realized the man who would eventually head the Inuzuka clan was a man with no stamina…"
Kuromaru added, "Or balls."
"Or balls."
"Both of you can kiss my ass," Kiba had learned long ago not to say 'bite' as Kuromaru was an ancient smart ass. Akamaru barked in agreement before he snickered at his superior dog's joke.
"Well Kiba I'm glad you finally decided to let the girl know how you feel. It would be a good day when I can walk up to Hiashi and actually put a hand around his shoulder and cry at our children's wedding!" she said feigning tears.
"I doubt Hiashi will let a flea ridden whore like you near him in the first place no matter who is banging his daughter…" Kuromaru mumbled. Tsume backhanded him with enough force to knock him out of his chair. He changed back to his normal form and snarled. He turned back and climbed into his chair, wary of his master's second attack.
"So what happens if she isn't over Naruto, Kiba?" Tsume asked.
The young heir of the clan winced as he hit his head on the roof of the fridge. He looked at his mother and then at the ground. Closing the door he rubbed the back of his head.
Does everyone do that now? Tsume asked as she watched her son copy Naruto's action.
"I guess…I'll let her get over him."
Tsume spat out her coffee. "WHAT?! You mean you'd let Naruto…" she couldn't help it, it was a serious matter but she was a smart ass too, "get foxy style with Hinata?"
Kiba looked at his mother and smiled sadly. "If that's what she wants. I don't really care if it's what makes her happy. Besides how can I say anything when I'm not a virgin eh?"
Tsume smiled at her son. That was the most mature thing he had ever said. And it made the mother in her…wait. "YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN?!"
Kiba realized his mistake a bit too late…
"Uh mom what I mean is uh…! Well you know…"
She stood up and gathered chakra to her giving her a feral appearance that would have made the Kyuubi cringe. "WHO IS IT?! WHO'SE THE LITTLE BITCH?! WHO'S THROAT AM I GONNA TEAR OUT FOR TAKING MY SON'S CHASTITY!"
"Calm down you old bag," Kuromaru said as he lapped some water. Tsume whirled on him.
"Did you hear that? How can I sit still knowing that my son had his cherry popped by some damn hussy?"
"And what would you call what you did with his father?" Kuromaru asked.
Tsume's bestial form disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Her face was so read the tattoos weren't visible. "THAT'S DIFFERENT!"
"I'll say it was different. I never saw a dog suit with holes there before," he grinned.
Kiba felt the dinner he had last night rise. "You…you can't be serious…Mom tell me you didn't!"
"Kiba there are some things men and women do that may involve something called 'role play' and when this is done with animals suits, or chakra enhanced Henge based on family special techniques, it's called-"
"NO! NO MORE! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I CAN'T KNOW MY MOTHER IS A FURRY QUEEN!"
"Queen? Fuck that, Goddess, there's still an Internet site based on it."
"BY INU-KAMI (2) I DID NOT JUST HEAR THAAAAAAAAAT!"
Akamaru sighed, "I haven't gotten breakfast yet…"
When Tsume was tormenting the mind's eye of her son Naruto and Yui were stepping into a large convenience store. The owner and main cashier was one of the many people who had tolerated Naruto. The reason was simple.
Ramen.
The boy was bonkers, I'm talking apeshit, for ramen and the owner could have retired if he put pure Ramen on the shelves of the store and let Naruto run rampant. He had known the boy for a long time, and had even contributed to his second most infamous jutsu, the deadly Oiroke No Jutsu. While he would never admit it, he was proud it was his store's dirty magazines that had made the technique that could knock out the Third.
He also believed that Naruto would never find a woman who would put up with his little quirks, don't get me wrong, the boy was smart, caring, selfless, and strong. But…a woman can only take so much orange before she takes paint to something.
So when one of his best customers came in with a woman, a beautiful woman no less, he was a bit surprised. "Oi Naruto you finally take up your Sensei's ideas?" he called.
Naruto bristled. "NO! THIS IS NOUMAKI YUI! She's a good friend and is my retainer!"
The old man had never heard that one. "I was thinking more like concubine," he chuckled.
Naruto was about to give the old man a powerful punch that Tsunade would have been proud of, but Yui pulled him away so they could buy what they needed. "Naruto-sama I'll get the plastic wear you get the food alright?"
"Yeah, yeah…" he grumbled as he stuffed his hand into his pockets and clenched his jaw forward. As he grabbed a cart and began dumping random cups and bowls of ramen he eyed a long bright blonde ponytail. "Ino-chan!" he called happy to see someone who didn't associate Yui to banging.
She turned and looked up. "Hey Naruto getting things for the party?" she asked as she looked at the ramen.
"No this is for me and Yui. We decided to come here for some little things so we don't run out of good food when a certain bunch of…" he coughed the word into his hand, "eat everything from under us." Ino let that one go. "What are you here for?"
Ino blushed and held up a few healthy dinners. Naruto grinned. "What is so funny?" Ino asked angrily.
"I'm sorry Ino-chan. I always thought it was kind of funny how you and Sakura-chan always tried to lose weight when you both looked perfect to me. I mean you have no fat already! That looks like all muscle!" he said pointing to her slightly bare midriff.
She blushed. "It's not," she whispered. She squealed as she felt two warm hands take her by the sides and squeeze.
"It is a bit soft!' he chuckled. He stopped laughing when his mouth was full of floor tile.
"Na. Ru. To…" Ino snarled dragging out syllable of his name.
"Sorry Ino-chan," he apologized while standing back up.
That was when it went bad…
Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX
As Naruto and Ino bumped into each other Yui looked at the make-up. She glanced over at her master and then at Ino. She saw the lip-gloss and the blush on Ino's cheeks. Thinking back Yui saw that almost none of the Kunoichi wore make-up. Tsunade wore some eyeliner, but just that.
She decided to get some blue and orange eyeliner and a few bottles of the same color nail polish. Glancing at a jade green she smiled to herself and got some of that as well. She dropped them in the basket she had picked up and headed to the plastic ware. Passing the drug side of the store she saw some of the little home remedies.
Because she was a Youma, and Naruto was the Kyuubi's container, they didn't need anything like that. She put her fingers to her chin, much like her sensei would do, and then noticed the condoms. Blinking she bent down and picked a box up.
Naruto-sama's body has no infallacies. Because of the Kyuubi he is at the top form of all health. It may also increase his fertility. I doubt we have to worry about Tsunade-sama catching the preggers anytime soon but the younger women…
She looked at the box and then turned it over looking at length it would fit. These aren't nearly big enough. She took another box. Neither are these…sighing she went up to the counter. "Excuse me…"
"Yes dear?" the plump wife of the owner asked looking at the lovely girl. She was like Naruto in a lot of ways, she even had the same look he had when he first came in. When she saw the box and the girl's face she smiled. "don't know which size?" Yui nodded. She decided to take pity on her. She was obviously trying to keep from either embarrassing Naruto or herself. "Tell me the length and I can help…"
Yui nodded and reached up to whisper it. The older woman's face changed from one of amusement to a strange mix of dreaming and slight wonder. When Yui leaned back the owner's wife gaped at her.
"Is that…you know?" she asked. Yui blushed. She shook her head. "NARUTO HAS A 25 CENTIMETER DICK! WHEN LIMP?!"
Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX
Ino laughed. The joke was crude and really bad to tell someone, especially to a medical ninja, but it was hilarious. Ino was laughing up a storm until…"NARUTO HAS A 25 CENTIMETER DICK! WHEN LIMP?!"
That made the laughter of both blondes to die. Naruto didn't want to look over, but he did anyway. He saw Yui was being handed a box of condoms by the owner's wife. He grimaced and made a little sound in the back of his throat when she winked at him.
She…she didn't…she couldn't…
A little voice, from deep inside of him snickered, Oh she did…but you should really be worrying about the female in front of you not the one you have control over.
Naruto turned to Ino who was looking down. Naruto hoped to god that she was scrutinizing the floor. And not his crotch. It was hard enough finding any pants that kept his little…big secret, secret.
Naruto had only one recourse. KAGE-BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!
Three Narutos appeared around the original. One dashed through the aisles with cart jamming the food they needed into it. A second leapt over half the store to grab Yui and what she bought. The third took money from the original and paid for everything before vanishing.
Naruto, head down, said goodbye to Ino and stalked out of the store slowly. The women watched him, their faces red and their eyes hazy.
As soon as he was out of sight they all squealed. Ino's own eyes and face were too focused on the memory of being in Naruto's lap with his…his…thing…under her belly. It made her ass ache. She looked at the diet dinners in her hand and threw them back into the freezer.
This was no time for weight management, this was a time for private area management.
Naruto is not a stupid man. He has an understanding of people and the human spirit that his seniors cannot match. But what he, along with almost every male in Konoha, do not know is that the Kunoichi have a secret letter that goes around and puts little details out for all to know.
The letter was added to and resent for confirmations and the like.
As Tenten, Hinata, Shizune, and Tsunade looked at the latest one they all froze.
Tenten broke the wooden staff she was oiling.
Hinata had the urge to find Naruto out, but to the relief of her sister and current clan head, that she remained herself.
Shizune took a good long, excuse the pun, look at becoming a lesbian.
Tsunade grinning with pride took out a certain DVD to remember with even more pride.
Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxXJoya, who knew of the letter but didn't really care about it, was walking down the streets of Konoha, heading to the Hyuuga compound to…'acquire' Hinata for…'rehabilitation.'
Joya had a wonderful way with words.
A sudden vibration made her blink. She took a small radio out of her pocket. "Hello?" she asked tying it around her neck.
"Hello Joya-sensei," Yui's voice replied.
"Hello Yui-chan. What do you need dear?"
"Well it appears that Naruto-sama's…uh…dimensions have been revealed to the general female populous."
"It's only the ninja Yui-chan. You can kill any of the hussies that think they can take on big poppa fox."
"WHO THE HELL JUST CALLED ME THAT?!" Naruto's voice raged over the radio.
"It wasn't you Naruto-sama I believe Joya-sensei was referring to your penis."
"THAT'S A SHIT LOAD BETTER THEN ISN'T IT"
Joya snorted laughter as she approached the Hyuuga mansion. "I have to go." She took the radio off just as Naruto yelled something to a chunin girl who had been gazing at him a bit too hard.
"State your business please," the main guard asked.
Joya snorted, "I am senior Hokage Assistant Nobonachi Joya. I've come to help you settle your…problem…"
"What problem ma'am?" Joya made a spanking motion in the air. "YES MA'AM! ALERT THE CLAN HEAD NOW!"
Hikari dashed outside and bowed low. "Hello Fishy…Joya-sama. I'm glad you can help us with…the problem…"
Joya allowed the Fishy comment to pass and headed inside to find Hinata. The heiress was regarding a small notebook and looked up. "Hello Hinata-chan."
"H-hello Jo-Joya-sama…" she said gulping.
Joya's eyes began to glow and flash golden with a rhythmic beat and Hinata froze. "Don't be scared Hinata-chan. I'm only going to put your mind to ease."
"Not scared. Not…scared…"
"Good. Now let's talk about Naruto…"
"N-Naruto-kun…"
This has not been a good day for Naruto. He spent his entire life suppressing the feelings of guilt and loneliness brought on by his 'special tenant.' He had reserved his fate to one of being alone with no one to share his pain or anyone to even understand. Even his closest friends have little to no true knowledge of his plight.
And what did overcoming all tha angst teach him?
THAT IF HAD JUST FLASHED A FEW WOMEN HIS LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN THE EXACT OPPOSITE!
Naruto had never been so embarrassed in his entire life. Well maybe when Kiba told him the best ninja color EVER was orange his year before graduating…nope this topped that.
He was getting stared from the entire store. Mostly from women. His eyebrow twitched as he and Ino looked at the ground to avoid the stares. Yui had to know what those were for. She was cleared as a medical ninja for Kami-sama's sake!
Why does this shit happen to me
Uzumaki Naruto has never hated people outright, but when the seventeenth, SEVENTEENTH girl he had only known to make fun of him from his old Academy class said hello and wanted to 'get a bite to eat' he was a bit put off.
And Yui was the cause of it all. She knew she had done something wrong, but what could she have done? How was she supposed to know that such a reaction would have been triggered? How was Yui of all people supposed to know in the Secret Kunoichi letter Naruto was voted third most handsome man in Konoha last year?
And how was she supposed to know, when she came from the Mist, that 25 centimeters was big? After all, all Mist men had larger than average proportions. Yui herself had aided Joya in treating fifteen men who had similar lengths.
Naruto made a loud angry sound and cursed even louder. Yui only had a few seconds to realize they were home when she saw her front door about to get blown in by a Rasengan. When she moved to stop him Kakashi had already done it, countering with his own. Naruto was blown backward, as his agitated state made his Rasengan far less powerful, and landed hard in the street.
Ino and her father ran out and saw Naruto scrambling up, his face a veritable image of pure p-o'ed. "I…do not…WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY MR. GOD OF ZOOM FEATURE!"
Kakashi took a second to wonder if Naruto knew just how much of his little exploits were on the Internet thanks to his machinations. Deciding it wasn't that important he pulled out his book of pure awesome. "Tsunade-sama wants to see you. She's got your new commander and Yui's headband."
"WELL THANK YOU KAKA-SENSEI!" Naruto bellowed. "BE A PAL AND TAKE MY SHIT INSIDE WHILE I GO TALK TO THE HORNY ALCOHOLIC OLD WOMAN!!"
"Sure…" Kakashi said as he opened Naruto's door without unlocking it. Naruto screamed and threw the mass of Ramen and plastic wear inside before he started arguing with the ground. Yui handed Kakashi the bags and bowed before following her master.
When they arrived Shizune looked at Naruto and blushed. He didn't really need that. "WHAT'S SO EMBARASSING SHIZUNE-NEECHAN?! HUH?!"
"Uh…well Naruto I…"
"IS IT MY PENIS?! HUH IS IT?!" Shizune turned crimson. "I THOUGHT SO! Fine!" he smiled and grabbed his pants. "You wanna see Shizune-neechan? Wanna see big poppa fox?" Shizune, nodding her head furiously was about to get an eyeful of, quote Joya, 'big poppa fox,' until Tsunade opened the door.
"NARUTO! Get in here now dammit!" she growled. Naruto, still angry but not willing to get on Tsunade's bad side, followed her order.
He stood in front of her desk with Yui behind and to the right of him. Tsunade couldn't help but smirk as he huffed and fumed. "So what do you want Tsunade-bachan?" he asked still angry.
"Naruto-sama I believe Hatake-san said we-"
"LIKE I'D TRUST THAT PERVERTED PIRATE WANNA BE!" he screamed at her.
Tsunade threw an empty sake bottle at him and made him fall over. He grunted and stood up quickly, glaring at her over her desk. "Don't scream at Yui-chan."
"I can kill you, y'know…" he snarled.
"Yes, but you would miss my tits and ass too much," she grinned.
For the first time in his life, that day¸ Naruto felt like punching his mother figure in the fucking face.
"I'd like to inform you that through," black mail and coercion with hard core amateur porn, "intensive deduction we have chosen your new commander, please allow her in Shizune."
Her? Great another chick wanting to see my penis! Wait! Not all of the Kunoichi could know about it yet…so maybe there's a chance…LORD BUDDHA! I TAKE BACK THE DOUGHNUT THING! I BEG YOU! Please let my new commander not know or care about my massive co-
The doors opened and Mitarashi Anko appeared smirking. Naruto, who had fallen to his knees and outstretched his arms in prayer, grimaced. He turned his head back to the ceiling.
Buddha…you suck balls and doughnuts you fat motherfu-
"Well I've seen more enthusiastic faces during an execution, on the criminal's faces. Naruto show your new commander the proper respect!" Tsunade growled.
Naruto stood and slapped his hands down on Tsunade's desk. "RESPECT?! I DISCTINTLY REMEMBER HER GOING SADO-MASOCHISTIC ON MY ASS BEFORE PART 2 OF THE CHUNIN EXAMS! She's the biggest nympho in the damn village! and you expect me to give her respect! She's weaker than I am!"
Anko blinked. Nymnpho…why does everyone thing I'm a sex crazed fiend?…and…"HEY! Naruto how am I weaker than you?!"
Naruto glared at her over his shoulder. She took a step back and laughed weakly as she felt the full force of his chakra. He swirled in place, undid his pants and dropped them enough for his entire length to be seen. Anko's nose bled like a torrent and she fell over with a loud crash. Shizune peaked her head in and blushed brilliantly.
Replacing his now loose organ he turned to Tsunade and resumed his prior position. "As I was saying…"
Tsunade blinked. "Naruto…"
"Yes?"
"DON'T BE A PERVERT!" she screamed flicking him in the gut. He flew over Anko and was forced deep into the opposite wall. "So. When those two wake up I'd like you to take them to a training exercise."
Yui gazed at her master and her new sensei, "Uh…Yes Tsunade-sama…"
A/N: Taking a look at how I did chapters 7, 8, and this one I think you all can expect chapters around saturday and sunday from now on. Maybe sooner during the breaks in my school's whacky schedule.
Dictionary:
1 (Foxy): A nickname used by Asuma to refer to Naruto, Ino and Kurenai picked it up.
2 (Inu-Kami): The shinto dog god worshipped by Kiba's family.