Chapter Twelve

I was quiet the whole ride home. And I was grateful that Alice didn't ask anything. I saw her shoot glances at me once in a while, but she said nothing.

I was trying to arrange my messy thoughts. It still seemed impossible that I was Paul's soul mate. I don't know him, he doesn't know me, how come that we are destined to be together? I mean, he had obviously hated me. I would swear that he still does, but I had to admit that there was something different in the way he acted around me. Previously, whenever we had to be around each other, he always seemed annoyed by my presence, I could feel hate and anger radiating off him. Today he seemed a lot more nicer, his acting around me was comfortable for me. Somehow, he seemed happy about me being there.

And I couldn't understand my feelings for him. I had never felt anything for him, I had always tried to avoid him, simply because I had no idea how to behave around him; his every gesture, every word he said made me feel that I didn't belong there. Today in the woods I felt comfortable with his presence, no usual intimidation and fear.

I remembered the two couples I watched at the bonfire. There was that vibe about both couples that I couldn't understand back then. I did now. And could I imagine myself and Paul having the same aura around us? Definitely no. Never.

My heart was already taken. And broken. No one would be able to heal it. Only him. The one that was not coming back, and even if he did, he didn't care about me. Edward. I was amazed by the fact that I actually could say his name, the pain was somehow blunt and I couldn't feel it completely, because a part of my mind was thinking of Paul.

I guess he wasn't as bad as I thought he was. He was nicer, though he had the same edge of arrogance about his appearance, but if it scared me earlier, now I was beginning to like it.

I shook my head. I can't keep thinking about him that way. I've spent the last few months crying over the one who was the love of my life, and I would never forget him. For months I've been hoping that the pain would fade away, and now that it actually seemed easier, I didn't want the pain to go, because it was the only reminder that he was real.

As real as my love for him. Again, I felt my eyes fill with tears, so I started looking out of the window, otherwise Alice would notice. But she did anyway.

„Bella, what's wrong? You've been very quiet ever since I got in the car. Did something happen back there?"

I was still looking out of the window, afraid to face her. I didn't trust my voice, so I simply shook my head.

Suddenly the car stopped.

„Okay, this is really creeping me out. You know I'm nervous because I can't see you there, but I still agree with you going to see your dogs, then you come back all weird and quiet without explaining anything to me." The tears broke. „And now you're crying."

She sighed and started the car again. I didn't know what to say. Could I tell her about Paul? I wasn't sure if I was allowed to tell tribal things to the enemy. But that wasn't the real reason. How could I tell Alice, that there is a weird wolf thing that makes me a wolf's soul mate? How could I tell her that her brother is not the one I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with? Telling Alice would be like admitting that Edward and I weren't supposed to be with each other. And I couldn't do that, because he meant too much, and now that I felt my mind starting to forget him, I was too afraid to let go.

I didn't believe when he said that my human mind would forget. But it was true. As much as I tried to keep all my memories fresh in my head, they have started to fade. Because I was just a simple human, nothing more. I didn't deserve anything non-human, I was supposed to end up with someone like Mike Newton, not a guy like Edward or Paul.

My tears stopped as soon as we reached Charlie's house. As miserable as I may feel, I can't show him that I'm sad, he deserves better than watching me crying again.

As I was about to open the door, Alice stopped me.

„Hey, we need to talk."

„About what?" I knew what she meant. She wanted to know about what happened at La Push and I was doing my best to make up a story that would explain my behaviour.

„Not about today." She sighed. „I have to leave."

„Why?" For the first time during the whole way home I looked up at her. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

„Don't think it has something to do with you, and please, oh, please don't blame yourself. If I had a choice I wouldn't go. But I have to." She sighed again. It was weird, considering that she didn't even need to breath. „I saw a vision of Jasper. He needs me."

I nodded, feeling the dangerous lump in my throat coming back.

„Bella, I swear, as soon as I make sure he is fine, I'll come back." She looked at me with her best puppy eyes. „Please, don't be sad. I hate doing this to you, but I promise to come back as soon as possible."

I nodded again.

„Oh, come on." She pulled me in a hug. I wrapped my arms around her neck, trying to hug her back as strongly as I could. She giggled.

„Don't act like this is the last time you see me." She pulled out of the hug and looked at me with a smile. „Promise me that you won't grieve."

For the third time I nodded.

„And please be careful around those mutts."

I didn't react to that one.

„I better go now, I already said my good byes to Charlie. Take good care of him." And with a quick peck on my cheek she got out of the car.

I didn't move until her car disappeared from my sight. I pulled my act together to face Charlie and got out of the car.

My way to the house, my quick talk to Charlie, my way up to my room was all in a blur. I was so concentrated on keeping my feelings under control that all my movements were robot-like.

I got in the shower, put on my pajamas and went back to my room. As I popped on the bed I let everything go. My pain for Edward, my fear to let him go, my messed up feelings toward Paul and Alice leaving.

The last one broke me completely. Somehow I was hoping that she would help me deal with all my problems, but she only gave me a new one. On one hand her leaving was good because it let me keep my thoughts of Paul with myself, but on the other hand it would be nice to share with someone.

My mind realized that Jasper was her mate, he was way more important than me, but it hurt that she left me right when I needed her the most. And there was a piece of my mind that thought she wouldn't come back.

Maybe he told her to leave like he had before? Maybe she just understood how miserable I was and didn't want to have anything to do with me? Maybe the whole family thinks I'm not worth their time?

The tears came, I cried like I haven't cried in a while, this wasn't just crying over something in particular. I was crying over my life, it seemed so messed up and worthless.

As soon as something seemed to get better, it was interrupted. As soon as I felt myself starting to get over Edward, Alice showed up. I mean, I was happy that she did, I loved her, having her back in my life felt wonderful, but still, she reminded me of him.

And then Paul. I still had no idea how I felt about him, and I tried not to think about that. My thoughts of him seemed weird, I didn't understand what I felt, and it scared me, so I just tried to block those thoughts out.

I thought I would feel better after the crying, but the tears didn't stop and my heart didn't feel any lighter. I laid in my bed and felt as miserable as it is possible. I didn't know how long it's been, I knew my eyes should be red by now and my hair in a mess.

That's when I heard someone call my name. The voice was painfully familiar and I didn't believe it was real. It surprised me, it surprised the tears away and with shaky feet I got up and went to the window to make sure that it was just a hallucination.

But it wasn't. Paul was standing outside, concern and determination in his eyes. For a while I stood there just looking in his eyes, finding them comforting. Then, not knowing what I was doing, I took a step back, that being an invitation for him to come in. Somehow I knew he would understand and accept it.

Few second later he gracefully landed on the floor in my room. And I didn't know what to do next. I had Paul, half naked in my room, me being in pajamas which I considered almost an underwear.

It seemed that he was lost as well. So, for a moment we just stood there quietly, avoiding to look at each other. He was the first one to come alive.

„So, what was it there? PMS or something?" I knew he meant it as a joke, but I could still see the concern in his eyes. That took a smile out of me, knowing that he cared somehow made me feel better.

„No, uhm, I kind of had a bad day."

He nodded and looked around the room. I still didn't know what to do, but somehow standing here like this felt weird. So I took a few steps back and sat on the bed. He went over to my desk and leaned against it, his arms crossed in front of his perfect russet chest. I looked away quickly.

„So, what are you doing here?"

But he didn't answer my question, he just looked at me like he was searching for something in my eyes.

„Where's the leech?"

„Why do you think she should be here?"

„Because she has been here every evening since she came back."

„How do you.."

„I've been in the woods behind your house every evening as well."

„But how.. I mean, couldn't she smell you?"

„She should've. I mean, I could smell her stink pretty good."

I was startled. So, Alice knew there was a werewolf in my back yard and didn't tell me anything? Why would she keep that away from me? Apparently Paul noticed my surprise.

„What, the leech didn't tell you?" I could hear an evil joy in his voice, he was obviously happy to prove that Alice wasn't honest with me.

„Could you not call her that, please?" I was tired of asking them to stop calling each other names, so I knew there was no use asking him this, but at the moment I didn't know what else to say, Alice's not being honest with me left me without any words. And his answer left me totally speechless.

„Okay."

„What?" I couldn't believe my ears.

„What what?"

„Did you just agree not to call Alice a leech?" Paul flinched.

„Well, I guess I did." I heard anger in his voice and shivered.

Immediately anger on his face was replaced by sadness.

„You're still afraid of me, aren't you." That was more a statement than a question. And I didn't know what to say.

„I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

Suddenly he stood up and came closer.

„Stop apologizing!" He actually growled and once again I shivered. His mood swings were giving me a hard time, it seemed like every second word out of my mouth pissed him off. I didn't know what emotions he could read on my face, but I guess it was fear and confusion, since he growled at himself.

„Damn it, would you stop scaring her?" Boy, his temper was insane, I was scared of him and at the same time I somehow found him charming. And I hated to see him like this.

„Paul, I'm so.. I mean, I'm not scared, I just can't seem to get used to your mood swings. I guess eventually I will, but right now they kind of freak me out." Eventually? I've practically said that I'm about to meet him in the future, and I had nothing like that in mind. I had told him that I would be avoiding him, and now I was implying that I was planning on seeing him?

He must have noticed my inner struggles, since he gave me a small, very Paul-ish smirk. I tried to save the situation.

„I mean, I can't get used to your presence, ever since I've known you , you had always ignored me in a very clear way, I mean, you obviously hated me and now I can't be in the same room with you without it being weird."

Something in my words must have hurt him, I saw him flinch.

„I'm sorry, I didn't.." But I couldn't get out the sentence as his warm hand pressed my mouth shut. He was now standing just a few feel away, I could feel heat radiating off his body and I just kept staring at him.

„What is it with you and apologizing? Do you have some kind of a sick fetish about feeling guilty all the time?" With these words he let go and moved away.

„I feel guilty when I think I've done something wrong, that's a normal human emotion." Again I felt self-conscious about myself being just a weak human and the words that followed just came out without thinking. „If you can't understand that, it's your problem, not mine."

"Well, it is actually your problem."

"My problem is being and feeling human?" I knew Paul thought the whole werewolf thing made them less human, actually they all thought so, but I guessed Paul's self esteem was too good to let that get to him. Apparently I was wrong.

That must have hurt him even more than I thought, pain was now visible clearly on his face. I waited for anger to follow, but it didn't. He just turned around and a moment later he was gone. I stood there confused.

Then I rushed to the window hoping to see him, but he was gone. And after a while I heard howling.