What's this story about, you may ask. Well, there's a boy. There's a girl. There are fangs and blood and sex. All the same shit. Therewillbelove for the Vampire Italian Mafia Royalty Dudes. Especially the crazy small one. I'm making the bitch a vegan. May I warn: Using online translator.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the brains. I'm the beauty. Hehe, I'm joking—kinda. But the lady actually does own Twilight and all that good stuff. I don't. Never ever for-never ever.
--$$#0!3--
Isabella Devacino
Die. Die. Die. Die. Die, bitches. Die.
Isabella Devacino. Fuck, she's so hot. I'd like to see her bent over my car in those tight ass leather pants.
Jane Devacino. Fuck. Hmm, her and little Alice in my backseat… Fuck.
Demitri Devacino? Swoon. He is so hawt! He will be mine by tomorrow.
The Devacinos! Oh my God, they're so sitting with us. She'll make me more popular!
Isabella and Jane Devacino. I hope the little bitches are in my class. Show them what arealman is.
The dude… Demitri. He looks like the stealing type. I'll have to keep Lauren close by.
Die. Die. Die. Die. Die, bitches. Die.
I'd really enjoy yelling that out at the top of my lungs. I'd really like to tell all of them to just shut the fuck upand leave me in peace.
But elefante cazzo culo, I can't. Because that shit isn't being said out loud. The fuckers are thinking it and though it's disrespectful and degrading as fuck, it's their own private thought trait. Which means that I can't get the figlio di una cagna that's supposed to be my biology teacher fired for sexual harassment.
I hate this shit.
"If you kill a human, the boss man will get mad at us from not protecting you from the guilt. So get your fucking panties out of a twist," Demitri, the shitfaced bastard that I have come to love, says under his breath- low enough that the human fuckers didn't hear.
"Go eat bird shit, D. You don't have to hear their fucking thoughts, dipshit," I reply, sounding very much like a bitch. I don't really give a living shit. I'm always a bitch on first days. And last days. And the days in between. Quite frankly, I'd rather be soaking up the sun in Italy right now, or fucking some actor—preferably Robert Pattinson. He is British, tall, and actually plays a vampire in a movie. And the man is packed. For a human, anyway.
But noooo. I'm in Small Town, USA. Soaking up rain. And some more fucking rain. Because Daddy Dearest wants me to take some time off scaring the shit of nomads and live. Fuck that shit. I waslivingperfectly fine in Italy. And I'm not even alive!
"Bel, seriously, if you freak out, I'm definitely fucking hurting you when we get home. And even though I get off on that shit, you'll be in pain," Jane mutters, leaning against my car door. My baby; the Maserti Quattroporte V. A special edition that Daddy Dearest bribed out of the makers.
"Jane, you get off by just looking at me. Admit it. It's happened," I smirk when I saw her roll her eyes again. If vampires can lose eye muscles, this girl would be the first.
"Fuck off, Devacino."
"Maybe later, babe," I wink at her. Jane and I have done a bit… experimenting. But it was all fun and games. She's still my best friend and I hers. Though, if Daddy and Mommy Dearest found out, they'd blow a casket and have both of us locked up in dungeons to keep us far, far away from each other. Jane is like a second daughter to them. But I'm completely straight nowadays. And fucking human males.
Jane is evil and sadistic and all that awesome shit. I love the little midget bitch like I'd love my own sister. She is barely 5"2. (Hence the 'little midget bitch' title.) She is like a shorter, hotter, meaner version of Heidi Klum. Her blond hair is shoulder length and at first glimpse, some would think that she's an American Sweetheart. Ha. Fucking hilarious. The fully living amongst us may say that she dresses (snicker) 'provocatively'. She dresses the same way I do, and I'm a fucking nun.
Oh God, I cringe just thinking that.
Then there's Demitri. He's a Russian/Italian douchebag. Even I'd really like to cut his right hand off; I'd give mine to protect him. Even though I'd like to throw him in a fire and watch him burn; I'd torture anyone who tried to do it to him. Even though I want Daddy Dearest to fire him and make him a nomad so I no longer have to deal with him; I'd disown my father if he did. You dig? I mean, the fucker was there at my birth. Hell, he's the one that delivered me. He's tall. Like, tall. Okay, he's 6"4. But for my 5 ft 5, that's tall. He has black hair that looks like the owner just got fucked. Which is pretty damn likely.
We're a lively bunch, us three. Demitri will be fucking two supermodels in one room, while Jane is banging a married vice president in the other, and I'm riding an actor. I have a thing for actors at the moment. Tomorrow, it could be football players. Hmm, I wouldn't mind being in a sandwich with Rob and Tom Brady. Me being the meat. I have two fucking holes, don't I? (Take that literally. The innuendo is on purpose.)
Back on topic: I have a love/hate relationship with the two. We fight and argue like dogs but at the end of the, we'll all be hunting some unsuspecting mammals and watching Jane take out her daily out frustrations on them. It's funny really.
Two things I forgot to mention.
Unlike normal, sane vampires, we feed off of animals. Nasty, dirty, disgusting animals.
Emotions are sneaky, horrible little things. One second, you're living your life perfectly, taking in the amazing potion that is human blood. You don't mind. You've been doing it since you were born and have never felt bad. It's nature. They kill other cows. Why can't we kill them, right?
Then you get some little shitfuck teenager that can't be older than you.
And motherfucking, cock-sucking, dick-licking guiltdecides to visit. And no, my friends, I am notshitting you. It's a life changing moment.
For the worse.
And c'mon, you can't do it alone. So you have to make your two closest friends join purgatory along with you. No point in trying to bring down Daddy and Mommy Dearest. They think they're too nice to the humans already, donating to homeless shelters and charity events.
It took a while. We started in 1914 and haven't made a mistake since '89.
Second unmentioned shit: We have magical vamp powers. Jane brings gut wrenching pain by just looking at someone. She also has the ability to persuade people to do whatthefuckever she wants. She doesn't have to use it for sexual prowess. It's more for the two stupid times that we've gone to high school. This one included.
Demitri finds people. If he smells someone once, even off of someone else, he can find that same person for all of eternity. He also has an uncanny ability to tell if Jane and I are lying. But that's just because we lie a lot.
I fucking read minds. I can read any mind from a very far distance. And if I'm attuned to you, like I am to Daddy and Mommy Dearest and my two favorite little fucks, I can hear them from as far away as Italy. Maybe farther. Daddy Dearest tried getting me to try, but I'm a lazy bitch who is also a Daddy's Girl. And umm, I can let someone see my thoughts, if I feel like it.
I also hold the entire fucking vampire world in my palm.
"Didn't Mommy Dearest say that there were other vamps in this piece of shit town?" Jane questioned, raising a brow as she did. She calls them Daddy and Mommy Dearest also. They really do look at the little midget shit as a daughter.
Right as she asked, a fucking Volvocame into the parking lot. If I'd smelled a human, I would understand. But the silver, shitty mom car had vampires.Five of them.
Speak of the devil, and it shall arrive.
But seriously, what type of devil drives a fucking Volvo?
It defies all the laws of nature. A volcano just fucking erupted because of the injustice done to Mother Nature.
Seriously, though.
A VOLVO?
The bitches must be crazy.
Jasper's ass will be grass in the new Madden! Fuck to the yes. Wonder what the new vamps look like…
Here's to hoping I don't kill another human. For Alice. Any of the new vampires from Civil War Era?
Those new vampires better not fucking cause any problems for me. Not moving for strangers.
Oooh, they'll—must block Edward. Shit, fuck, ass, asshole, bitch, cunt, pussy, dick… Good, he's gone.
I need to have Rose check the Vanquish. Shouldn't take too long; she owes me. What's Al hiding?
The last one confused me. For multiple reasons.
The first and foremost reason: they have theAston Martin V12 Vanquish and they're driving a fucking soccer mom car? Issue with that.
Secondly, not only did I hear histhoughts, but I heard all the thoughts of the little shits around me repeated. Fuck no.
Last but sure as sure not least: the little fuck can read mymind!
Fuck. No.
"Demitri! They have another fucking mind reader! And he can read mymind," I silently yell to him. The fuckface had the nerve to laugh.
"Look at their car, Bella. That's worse than you mind problem. A Volvo. That's a disgrace to our species," Jane snarled.
We must have been very involved in our own conversation, because suddenly, the owners of the Volvo are surrounding my car.
The person closest to me… well, there's something going on with her hair. It's stark black and short but it didn't just hang down. It seems to be having an ongoing battle with gravity and Newton's Laws. She is Jane's height, but figlio di puttana, they couldn't be more different.
While Jane is wearing a black leather skirt with a black leather jacket and a blacktank underneath, the girl is wearing khaki business mom pants and a pink mom blouse. To top off her madre outfit: comfort shoes with low heels. Hell to the fuck no.
Jane has that whole I-don't-give-a-fuck look going on, and unlike those fake 'emo' humans, she truly… doesn't… give… a fuck. She's leaning against my car, arms crossed, staring at the vamps hoping she could unleash the demon on them. Simply for owning the mommy type Volvo, actually. Trust me. I have that whole mind reading thing going on.
The other midget fuck has this huge grin on her face, and fuck me backwards, she's fucking bouncing.Who the fuck in their right mind would bounce?
I became aware that she was talking and the voices in my head came rushing back in. If I'm very focused on something, I forget that they're there—but the shits always are there.
"… anyhow, you just haveto come meet our parents. I mean, he didn't change Jazz and I, but he's still like a father figure and all-" interrupting her, I snap my fingers, motioning for her to shut up for just onesecond. Just because I wasn't listening, doesn't mean that I don't know that she was jabbering. Thankfully, she does. Good girl.
"What the fuckare you fucking wearing?" Her ever present grin falls.
"Were you even listening to me?"
I shrug and reply, "Not really, no. I'm too distracted by the shitty mom clothes."
Who the hell does the bitch think she is? Has she no manners?
Looking over to the blond girl, (Rosalie, I pick out) I see that she's wearing the same mom clothes, though her pants daredto be a teensy bittighter. Oh, the risk.
"I'm the bitch that decided whether or not you magically disappear from your coven within the next couple of hours. And, why yes, I do have manners, you blonde bitch," I state flatly. She has the sense not to say something.
Jane clears her throat. "Brunette Bitch, I know you did not just insult blondes.
I wink. "I think I did, Blonde Bitch. 'You know you love me'," I quote, expecting her to finish the line from one of our favorite shows.
"XOXO, Gossip Girl," she laughs, rolling her eyes.
Someone clears their throat and I look over to some huge, burly dude, who (oh my fucking dog shit) is wearing khakis with an oxford and a cream vest. Fuck it; I just may go to their house after school. Just to raid their closet and destroy all the parent shit. Emmett; his name is. "First of all, you should apologize to my wife for your comment. Second of all, isn't it pretty disrespectful that you just called your own friend that term?" I think his glare was supposed to scare me. Ha.
I raise a brow. Please, oh Father above, tell me he did not actually just say that shit. "Fucker, don't fucking tell me what the fuck I should fucking do if you fuckingwant to continue fucking breathing. And the Blonde Bitch is more like my sister, but yes, I did, in fact,call her a Blonde Bitch."
Demitri chuckles and Jane giggles, along with the only blonde guy there. Jasper. I officially like him. He's actually pretty—fuck, he's taken. Yes, even I have limits. Not a lot. That just might be the only one. Actually, wait, I tend to make exceptions for that one, if they're human. Even I know not to mess with a mated vampire.
Back to the larger issues at hand, though: the parent clothes and soccer mom car. Jane brings the clothes issue up with me after I showed her in my mind what I wanted. While she does that, I call Daddy Dearest.
"Hi, Daddy Dearest."
"Hello, Devilish Daughter. Aren't you supposed to be at school right now?" he prompts, probably because Mom made him.
"I am. It hasn't started yet. Anyway, I have a more important, urgent matter at hand here that could affect my learning of shit I already know."
"Language, dear. What is it? Is there a teacher bothering you that I need to get fired? Some nomad invading your little town? A student?" he becomes urgent and frantic. It's pretty fucking funny, if I say so myself.
"No, worse. You know the other vamps that Mommy Dearest said were living here?"
"Yes? The animal drinking coven?" he's starting to get annoyed. God, I love dragging this shit out.
"Yep. They've committed a crime against nature." Wait for it… wait for it…
"Isabella, just get to the fucking point already." Jackpot. I hear Mom smack him in the background.
"Language, dear. Well, they drive a friggen Volvo. And have a Vanquish at the same time. I need you to tell them to never ever for never ever bring the soccer mom car to school again. It's a hunchback, Daddy!"
"No way!"
"Yes way! Jane's about to explode! I swear, if she could, the car would be writhing in pain right now, dude!"
"And Demitri?"
Demitri's just being a shitfuck and laughing at everything," I explain as Demitri laughs. Eye roll.
"Put me on speakerphone. Seriously, what types of fucking vampires drive a goddamn Volvo?"
"Mom left to go hunting?" I comment at his sudden cursing.
"Yes. Put me on fucking speakerphone, Bel."
"Speakerphone activated."
"Is this the Volvodriving vampires? It's Aro Volturi. The hunchback needs to disappear. By tomorrow. No more hurting nature with your blatant defying." They gape for a second at the fact that I am theIsabella Volturi. The Miracle Child of Aro and Marie Volturi. Immediately, yeses and agreement ring out. Oh, so they can do what Big Bad Ruler of the Vampire Italian Mafia Royalty Dudes say but they can't answer a simple question from me?
Dipshits.
After telling Daddy Dearest goodbye and hanging up before he can ask Demitri about every little fucking thing we've done, I look over to Jane.
"We're going to their house after school to destroy the mom clothes," she answers to the silent question I asked her in my mind. I nod in acknowledgement. The bells rings and the human shits race into the school. I roll my eyes and plop—gracefully—onto the fucking floor. Thank God for real, durable leather and not that other cheap as fuck shit. Demitri and Jane get on my sides and the mom clothed vamps get in front of me, though I swear I fucking see them hesitate and looking at the school.
Talking like a kindergarten teacher, I say, "We're going to do a little activity." I swear I see the other midget fuck get excited. Does she get off on shit like this? "But before we start out activity, I must ask some questions."
"Couldn't we do the after school hours have terminated?" a panty-dropping, pussy-wetting voice asked. I whip my head around to find it.
Well.
Shit.
Why did I notfuckingsee him before? I mean, I fucking saw him, but I was distracted by the fucking dad shit.
And now I've reallyseen him.
And I'm going to fucking faint.
Well….
…Shit.
--$$#0!3--
"She should be waking up soon."
"Are you sure? She's been out for a while. What type of vampire faints, anyway?"
"The half human type, fuckshit."
Ugh. I fucking hatefainting.
There's something hard under my fucking face, like a lump. But it's one big fucking lump.
Groaning, I open my eyes and look down.
Damn.
I put up to see who is the owner of such a huge fucking lump.
Fuck. Yes.
I look down at the lump and purr, "Why, hello," In my mind (because there's no fucking way he hasn't realized that he can read my mind) I add, what's your name, big boy?
E- Edward.Shit, I'm good. Even his mental voice is fucking strained. Messing with him will be sofucking fulfilling.
I kiss the lump. I swear on my fucking fortune, (and I'm fucking richer than all the rich celebs put together) he hyperventilates and runs into the building so fucking fast that I almost don't fucking see it happen.
I get up and brush the dirt off my ass while the others laugh their fucking asses off in the background.
Waving, I yell, "Bye-bye, Big Poppa!"
And judging by his thoughts…
He loves it when I call him Big Poppa.
--$$#0!3--
How's that for a first chapter? Review and let me know your fuckawesome thoughts. Everyone may seem horribly OOC right now, but you'll understand soon.