Brenda~
It was a foolish idea to come here, I don't know what I was thinking doing this to myself. I thought I could ignore them, I thought that I could have a good time. Forget that it should be he and I at that table, not him and that tramp that we should have been married for five years. I was wrong though, I keep forgetting about my illness, I keep forgetting how it would destroy him even worse than it would destroy me. I spent the evening trying to have fun with Jason, I tried to drag him dancing as I knew I should, but my heart wasn't into torturing him. As he left to go take a phone call I made my way to the bar hoping that alcohol might help ease the pain.
As I took a sip of my drink, I saw Carly go to the back with Bobbie. As I turned a few moments later, I see him coming towards me. I lock my eyes with his, he is not going to see that I wanted to run and that I couldn't handle this.
"Jason left you all alone?" he says leaning up against the bar next to me, pretending like I am that the band had our attention.
"Phone call, he should be back really soon"
"Oh"
"Yea, Carly is..?"
"Eh Bobbie had to show her something in the back, something for Kelly's or something."
"Oh"
"Look Brenda"
"Look Sonny" our words occur at the same time, causing us both to give a nervous chuckle. "You first"
He shakes his head, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all the grief I've given you lately. It's your life, you do whatever it is you want with it."
"I'm just trying to do what's best for everyone. Everyone minus Jason that is."
"You guys getting along okay?"
I pause for a moment wondering what it is he wants to hear, the truth or what? "We're fine" is all I say, that's enough of an answer.
"That's good" he says with a shake of his head
"Yea"
We stand there in silence for a moment before out of nowhere he says "Funny how things turn out isn't it?"
"Hmm?" I know what he's thinking about, but I'm not about to admit it.
"It's almost eight years since we lived here. It seems like a lifetime."
"Probably since you've died more than a couple times since then" I laugh as I say this, I'm not sure if I find it funny, but I laugh.
He gives a small chuckle "The world is so different now."
"We're so different now" I allow my guard to slip, "eight years ago I was a little girl, who couldn't imagine a world without you, I didn't think I could live without you. I wanted a ring from you more than I wanted my next breath it seemed."
"We were too young. You were too young."
"I didn't feel young at the time."
"You were, trust me." he shakes his head "Maybe it was I was too young? I can't seem to remember anymore. All I knew was I couldn't give you that ring, as badly as I wanted to, I couldn't."
My heart freezes as he says this, I don't have the words to respond with anything more dignified than "Huh?"
His voice suddenly gets choked up "I had a ring in my pocket, an engagement ring. I was going to give you the bloodstone and watch you get all depressed and then break out the real one. I got so scared Brenda, it almost destroyed me to tell you I love you, that I couldn't watch you walk out of my apartment. To tell you I couldn't live my life without you," his words stop and he looks away from me "I couldn't handle that. It's funny to think, if I could have just mustered the courage to take it out of my pocket…We would have been married for years now. We'd have kids, knowing us probably three by now. We'd be going along with life as if we had no worries in the world. There would have been no Rivera, no Harry, no Tin Man, none of that. Just you and I and our kids."
His words made me want to fall apart, I didn't want to know that. As much as I'd always hoped for it, I didn't want to know that. I couldn't cope with those thoughts. Those thoughts of him and I with a whole bunch of kids, I couldn't deal with that. "It's for the best."
"Was it really?"
"It would have destroyed you when I suddenly started losing my mind."
"Because it didn't destroy me when I thought you were dead?" he turns to me and stares deep into my eyes, he's wondering how I hurt him so and I'm thinking of how I saved him.
"You left me once to keep me safe Sonny, I returned the favor."
"I never asked you to keep me safe."
"Neither did I."