Hey you pretty, pretty people. Welcome back to this mess. Thanks to everyone who's played along thus far – readers, reviewers, recommenders, re… whatever. I love you guys, and that's the only thing important here.

Thanks to Ali for almost dying to get this beta'd for me. Appreciate it, partner. Said in my best Major Whitlock voice.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer would never have Edward act gay, because then where would her fantasies go? In any event, it's all hers.

xXxXx

In which I learn about intimacy

It's late. Bella's asleep. Charlie's asleep. I am not asleep, so I crack open my laptop on the couch and look for a WiFi signal. Charlie doesn't have one, but a neighbor does – I fist pump in success, and then browse my usual sites. Facebook, two new friend requests. Email, no, I do not need to enlarge my cock. Bored, I go to Wikipedia and search, and somehow, fifteen minutes later, I have my headphones in and I'm watching two girls writhing against each other.

I have not masturbated in weeks – well, days, but it feels like weeks – because as awkward as sex with Bella was, now that I know what I'm missing, my hand doesn't feel like anything but a hand. I shift around a bit because the laptop is getting hot on my erection. Glancing up, I nearly drop everything and I do shout.

Bella is standing there, hand on hip, smirking at me.

I take out my earbuds slowly and kind of grin at her. Maybe she didn't see. "Uh, hi."

"Watching porn in the land of my youth, Cullen?"

"No…" Yes.

"Are you lying?"

"No…" Yes.

"You are so lying! Scoot over."

Um. Um. What? But I make room – I have no choice, she bumps me over with her hip, and then lays her head on my shoulder. She is so close to my erection, and I feel like if she breathes on me the wrong way, I'll come in my pajama bottoms like a fifteen year old.

"Press play," she demands.

"Are you…"

"Press. Play."

I hesitate a second longer, so she does it for me. I hand her an earbud, and she takes it gracefully and puts it in her ear. I put in the other one, but I'm watching her, not the two blondes with the tongues and the – okay, maybe I am watching it.

"You definitely don't seem to have any aversion to lesbians," she snorts, but quiets down again. We watch in silence for a couple minutes, and I'm glad she has the laptop in her lap, because it would have fallen off of mine by now.

"I've never done that," she says suddenly, pointing at the screen. The two girls are engaged in a very loud sixty-nine session.

"It's okay," I tell her, even though the moans and squeals from the girls on the screen tell a much more exaggerated story. "It's not for everyone – but if you like oral, then it's great."

"You don't like oral?" She nudges me, finding this hard to believe.

"I do," I answer slowly. "I mean, I'm not going to object to a girl wanting to suck my dick." She rolls her eyes at me, but I continue. "But I think oral is kind of… um, intimate. More intimate than sex, because it's like… during sex, you can concentrate on yourself and you don't have to worry about the other person. But if you're down on them, doing your thing… you're kind of saying, hey, this is all about you."

"And you don't like that?" She's smiling really softly at me.

"Bella, you don't just stick your face in uncharted territory, okay?" She laughs at me, and I scoff. "I'm serious. Are you just going to go put your mouth on someone's cock without knowing where it's been?"

"You went down… on me." She is whispering, but still smiling.

I can barely remember anything of that night. It all happened so fast, so weirdly. "Did I?"

"Yeah – just for a second. When I was… close. You made me… come." She's still whispering, and god, she's so shy and sexy at the same time. "You made me come like that. It felt… really nice. No one… Jake never… well, I understand now. I wasn't sprouting a penis down there, so he probably didn't want anything to do with it…"

I press 'pause' on the porn, because I may not be the most morally upstanding citizen, but I don't think watching two girls eating each other out is appropriate for this conversation.

"Okay, you know that's the reason, right? Not that you aren't attractive, Bella. But that you just… don't have the right parts." I've wanted to ask her this forever.

She gives me a look. "Are you asking me if I think I'm pretty?" She shoves me. "I just told you that despite your aversion to oral sex, you made me come that way, and you're concentrating on my feelings?"

"Don't make me sound like a jackass."

"I'm not. I just think hanging around Emmett so much… some of that sensitivity might have rubbed off on you, or something."

"Don't insult me!"

She laughs and leans against me. "Oh wow."

"What?"

"You are… really hard right now."

"Do not talk about my erection when your father is sleeping above us."

"But really… you are." She eyes it. "Were you that hard when we…?"

"Um. I don't know. Maybe? Performance anxiety. Why?" I think I'm squeaking. "Did it look small?"

"No." She leans closer. "But it looks… bigger now."

"Oh god."

She looks back up at me. "You've made me really happy this past month."

"Yeah?" Why do girls want to converse when all of the blood has left my brain?

"And… I know I'm kind of psycho. And I know we've had a really weird start. And I don't know why it's so important to you to put up with me and to show me that you really like me and that's why you did all this."

"I don't want to go anywhere else." That's coherent, right? "You really… I can't explain it. It doesn't make much sense, right? This little girl, this man hater… totally got my attention. I was lonely, and you were so… funny. Pretty. Smart. And kind of safe, I guess. Someone I didn't have to put on airs for, because you didn't think – "

"Your air flowed that way?"

I snicker. "Yeah, something like that. Garrett leaving was weird and kind of… fatalistic, I guess, if I can say that without you accusing me of being Emmett again."

"Oh, Edward Cullen, talking about fate." She fans herself. "So hot."

"Shut up."

She sighs. "Actually, it's kind of funny. The whole situation… I was pretty pissed at first. Totally revenge-sexed you."

"Yes, I'm aware."

"But… from what you've told me over the last month… you were kind of a whore."

"I was not!"

"Yeah, you were. At least a little. And then you become totally celibate – for me!" She looks up at me, smiling. "It's more than a little flattering to say the least."

"Oh, great."

"It's more than that, Edward. Don't get me wrong. But it's… nice. To think about, you know? You in all of these situations where you could have pressed your advantage with me, but you never did. You've seen me naked more than God has, but you never crossed the line."

"I think crossing the line would have blown my cover."

"I think if you were less of a man, you would have cared more about getting in me than your cover." She scratches her head. "I was married and my husband didn't even show me that kind of respect… he cheated on me. But even though it was initially selfish, your thoughts were always of me. And that's really… an admirable thing coming out of a really weird situation."

I smile at her and kiss her face. There's really nothing that can be said to that without me sounding like a total jackass, so I just bathe her face in little kisses until she's shooing me away.

"Anyway," she says, wiping her face. "I'm really bad at this seduction thing, but…"

My ears prick up. "Seduction thing?"

"I really… wanted to say thanks. For all this."

"Uh…"

She pushes me onto my back and sets the laptop on the floor. She climbs over me and sits on my knees. She's hesitating, and I don't know what makes me do it, but I lean forward and kiss her neck. She sighs and lets me, and I run my lips down to her pulse point, and then across her clavicle.

She fumbles with my gym shorts, and I lift my hips to accommodate her, because I'm a gentleman. We both pull them down to my ankles, and it's really kind of embarrassing because I have on grey boxers, which show every single wet spot, and there's one dot of leakage from the porn earlier, and… she's touching me.

She's not shy, this one. She doesn't do the halfhearted over-the-boxers-fondle. She goes in for the kill, and her fist is wrapped around my cock before I can blink.

"Ummmmmmphhhh." That's all I can do as far as sounds go.

"Shhh."

Good. Quiet. She wants quiet. I can do quiet. And then I guess I've just totally misinterpreted her intentions, because I am in her mouth and it's soft and spongy and wet and hot and oh my god kill me now, I can die now, everything is so perfect.

She's unsure, but she keeps her teeth away. Besides, there's no such thing as a bad blowjob. It's like pizza… when it's bad, it's still good. She finds some sort of rhythm, and god, it's so good, so so so –

Then she channels her inner porn star and deep throats me. It's good, so good, and I'm going to come really, embarrassingly soon. But she gags, and it's an awful sound. She's coughing and choking and then there are tears and she's crying against my chest.

My cock is smooshed against her soft stomach and my shirt. I'm afraid one wrong move will leave me castrated, but I'm totally helpless.

"Bella, Bella? Bella, shhh… it's okay. Stop, not everyone can deep throat – "

She mumbles something that sounds like "clucking nidiot," and continues to cry.

"Maybe…" I hedge. "Maybe if you told me what was wrong?"

"I'm sorry," she whispers against my neck. "I'm so stupid."

"You're definitely not stupid, but you are kind of crushing my balls."

That makes her cry harder, so I pat her back and shimmy my hips around so they are free from her thigh prison.

"Stop," I whisper. "Charlie is going to come down here to kill me for making you cry, and then when I run for my life, he's going to notice my dick hanging out, so that's really – "

"Sorry." She rubs her nose against my shirt and kind of sighs. She's hiccupping a bit and tears are still flowing, but the sobs have stopped. "Can you take me back to my room?"

"Okay."

She shifts off of me, and I pull up my shirts and stuff my dwindling erection back into my shorts. I hold out a hand to her, and she takes it, and we climb the stairs back to her room.

She gets under the covers. It's the purple comforter from her high school years, and there are finger paintings and outdated photographs still on the walls. But the girl in the bed is no longer a child, and I'm finding out it's going to take a lot more than just making her laugh to make her happy.

I brush her hair away from her face and sit down on the edge of the bed. "Want to tell me what that was all about?"

"No," she moans. "But I will, because you don't deserve to be sobbed on without explanation."

"Well… you can," I say quietly. "You don't… have to have a reason. It's kind of like guys and masturbating, you know? We do it because we want to, or because we're bored… and I think girls do the same."

She rolls her eyes, but her smile is soft. "Idiot. No. Jake would… you know how you were talking about how oral is intimate?"

"Yeah."

"Well, after a while, Jake's… well, our sexual relationship boiled down to blowjobs. Whenever I wanted sex, he was too tired. Then he would say we could do oral, but would always quote-unquote fall asleep before he could reciprocate. It's so obvious now, and towards the end… it got bad. I guess when he was with Emmett, it got harder to be with me, so he would kind of… shove my head down when I was doing that, and…"

"Stop," I say, holding my hand up. "I get it, and if you tell me anymore, I'm leaving right now to hunt down that fucker."

She sighs. "Yeah. I'm really… I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have done that." She puts her hair behind her left ear and continues. "Just, what you were saying about intimacy… that was so, so beautiful. I want that. With you. Eventually. Now. I can't tell. I thought I was ready, but now I don't…"

I bend down so my nose is touching hers. "Bella, listen. I'm not here to give anyone lectures on what intimacy is, but I don't think it's just about sex. I think this is pretty intimate… you sharing your story with me. It's all I wanted, to know you. Well, and to fuck you – but… you know."

"Cute, Edward."

I take her hand. "Do you remember what I did when I showed you I wanted you that night I told you I was straight?"

"Yeah," she whispers. "You put my hand on your dick."

"Yeah, and all that did was show you how I was acting. Like a dick. That was wrong. I'm not good with this stuff…" I lock eyes with her, and they're so close, I can see little bits of gold in them. I've never noticed that… her tits were (and are) far more fascinating than her eye color. But still, it's very pretty.

"You seem good at it to me," she tells me.

"I should have done this instead," I continue. I move her hand to my heart, and then lightly kiss her pretty mouth. It's chaste and she doesn't move her lips except to place them against mine, but it's everything.

"This is how I want you the most," I whisper when I back away. "It's what all the stupid shit I did was for – a place in your life and your heart. I could have easily found someone to deep throat me, Bella. But that's not the kind of intimacy I crave from you, okay?"

She nods and smiles and kisses me with that happy mouth. It's not any more passionate as far as lust goes, but I feel so much from it. It's innocent and tender and so, so gentle, like the world is going to crack apart once we separate.

She clings to me as I get back up. There's no way I can stay up here, but the knowledge that she wants me to may be the happiest feeling in the universe.

Which is, you know, good. Since I have the worst case of blue balls probably ever.

xXxXx

I wake up the next morning to the smells and sounds of bacon sizzling. The couch was extremely uncomfortable, especially knowing what I was missing upstairs. I sit up and roll my neck, and then shuffle into the kitchen.

Charlie is sitting at the table, drinking a cup of coffee and eating some scrambled eggs. Bella is at the stove, cursing as the bacon grease pops her.

"Morning," she says once she spies me. She has a smile for me.

"Morning, Edward," greets Charlie, looking over his shoulder at me briefly. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah… it was great."

He snorts behind his beard. "My ass. That couch saw its last days in the seventies. Sorry about that."

I shrug, and my neck pops. Everyone laughs, and I take a seat at the table. Pouring myself a glass of OJ, I lean back and watch Bella as she cooks.

"Thanks for all of your help, gentlemen," she grouses, putting down paper towels on a plate she's about the place the bacon on.

"Less talking, more cooking," I offer.

Charlie holds up his coffee mug to me, and we clink our glasses together in a cheers.

"You two," she scoffs. "So completely useless." But she drops a kiss on Charlie's head as she puts the plate down in front of him. She shoves me a bit, which isn't as good as a kiss, but it's better than nothing.

"So, what are you two doing today?" Charlie asks as Bella settles down.

I shrug and look to her.

"Just running around town. There's not much to Forks, but I know Edward can't wait to see all the sights."

She's totally getting me back for insulting it yesterday.

Charlie gives me a sympathetic look.

I really like this man.

xXxXx

Our riveting day concludes at the Thriftway, where Bella is shopping for food to fill up Charlie's cabinets. The cart is nearly overflowing, and when we get up to the cashier lanes, I don't even notice that she's no longer behind me since I'm so preoccupied with pushing the damn thing.

"Finally," I sigh. She doesn't answer. I look around. She's gone. "Bella?"

"Edward," she hisses from somewhere to my left.

"Where are you?"

"Over here."

"Helpful." I follow her voice until I see her crouching down in the next lane. "What the hell are you doing?"

"That's Jacob."

It's some Pavlovian thing, but my adrenaline instantly kicks into hyper drive once she says that name. "Jacob? Where is that fucker?" My voice is loud.

"He's the cashier in that lane!" She points to the lane our cart is still sitting in. There are a couple people before us, so we're not holding up the line. However, no other lane is open, so we're presented with a bit of a problem.

I look over, and holy shit. I mean… holy shit. I'm not a small guy – I'm a bit over six feet and a solid one-eighty. But this motherfucker is huge.He has to be almost seven feet tall and two seventy-five.

"God damn," I whisper. "Oh well. Come on." I grab her hand and pull her over towards that lane.

"No – what are you – " She's struggling.

"Let me tell you something. There's nothing worse than seeing your ex with a new guy, okay? All guys want to believe that we're so fucking cool no other guy will ever top us. It really hits our ego hard when we're proven incorrect. So we're going to hurt his ego a bit, okay? He deserves it." I yank her again.

She sighs and follows me. "I look awful."

"You look fine. And even if you didn't… so?"

"Let me tell you something. There's nothing worse than seeing your ex and looking like total shit, Edward. You want them to think you're glowing without them and more beautiful than they could ever imagine."

"You're more beautiful than he deserves to look at," I grouse. "Just play along. Like with Alice."

Something sparks in her eye, and then she's giggling and shoving me. "No, stop – we're in public, Edward!"

I bend her over the cart handle and kiss her neck. "I don't care. Let them watch, baby."

She shoves at me, and then pulls me closer again. I kiss her sweet lips, and she smiles against my mouth and wraps her arms around my neck. It feels so real, but in a completely different way this time. Like this is just some sickeningly sweet version of who we really are together.

Then she shoves me again. "Oops! God, stop… I can't concentrate when you do that." She turns and starts putting the groceries on the conveyer belt.

I lean over her and whisper in her ear. "He's staring right at us, and his face is priceless. Don't look up." I move her hair and kiss down her neck.

She sighs and leans back against my chest. "You need to stop distracting me and start earning your keep around here. Help me with these!"

Jacob rings up his last customer, and then it's our turn. I push the cart forward as Bella double checks everything, and I'm just waiting for it –

"Bella?" His voice is artificially surprised.

"Jake?" Hers is much better. Good girl. "Wow, hi… you work here now?"

"Yeah…" He starts ringing up our things. That's right. Work for me, bitch. "I got laid off from the shop."

She clucks her tongue sympathetically. "That sucks. Sorry to hear that."

He shrugs. He's bagging our shit sloppily, and usually I wouldn't care, but –

"Hey, can you be more careful? I don't really want to have a spill with all those heavy jars you're putting in there." I give him my best I'm-totally-being-an-asshole smile. Guys know that smile. It's universal.

"Sure, sure," he mutters. He rearranges a few things, and then gives me the same smile. "Better?"

"Definitely." So much better. You're wearing a stupid vest, and I'm kind of having sex with your ex-wife. I win.

"So, I thought you lived in Seattle now," Jacob says to her as he starts ringing us up again.

"I do," she says, smiling at me. "With Edward here. Oh, I'm so rude… I haven't introduced you. Edward, this is Jake, my ex-husband."

I love that title. I love that she uses it. Ex-husband. HA.

"And Jake, this is my boyfriend, Edward."

I love that title even more. I smile at her, and then extend a hand to him. He takes a fumbling second to get to it because he's ringing up our items – doesn't get old – so I pull my hand away.

"Shit, sorry man. I forgot – you're busy with your hands." I know my smile is smug.

Bella sidles up next to me, bumping me out of the way. I grab her pretty, boney hips and kiss her hair. This boyfriend thing? Yeah, I could really get used to it.

We're walking out with our purchases, and I'm giving Bella a triumphant high-five when it officially becomes a situation.

"Bella!"

It's that asshole's voice. We both turn, and Jacob is jogging up to us, his vest hanging off a massive arm.

"Hey… I have a break now," he says, addressing her solely. "Maybe we could talk?"

She looks at him like he's insane. "Um, no. I've got to get these groceries home."

"Edward can take them home, and I'll give you a ride later."

"Hey, listen, asshole – " I start, my blood simmering. This must be how angry Chihuahuas feel when staring down a Doberman.

Bella stops me with a touch. "I really don't know what we have to talk about, Jake."

He shrugs. "I don't know… we've been friends for all our lives, Bella. Surely we could spend a few minutes catching up."

"Okay," she says, and I gape. But then she continues. "How's this for the lowdown? After I caught you cheating on me, I left Forks and went to Seattle. I lived with Emmett – oh yeah, I did – for about a year, until I met Edward. We've been living together for about five months now. And guess what? Even though he has to deal with all the emotional baggage you left me with… he – he loves me, and… I love him, a lot, more than I ever thought I could love anyone. Even you. So you did me a favor, really, so thanks. Really, from the bottom of my heart."

I'm winded. She loves me. She told off her ex. She's awesome. She's stalking off. I should follow her. I don't. I turn to Jacob and say:

"Oh, by the way… Emmett says hi."

He lunges, and I dodge, and his weight works against him. He falls against the ground, and I laugh like an immature kid and run off.

Bella is loading groceries into my trunk, laughing hysterically. "God, Cullen… you're such an asshole."

"But you love me?" It's supposed to be an arrogant statement, but it comes out more like a scared question.

She shakes her head at me. Then, in the parking lot of Thriftway, in front of her ex and God and country, she kisses me. It's full of everything words might have left out, and I'm gasping and groaning against her mouth as she presses me against my car.

Then she backs away and pats my face. "Yeah… I guess you'll do."

Oh, hell yes.

xXxXx

I know, so cheesy. But it's about time these kids get their acts together, right? Bad Fauxmance is sadly coming to a close. Only a couple more chapters to go. :(