I'm Your Friend
Jason~
I walk back in and the club seems empty except for them. Them: Sonny, my best friend, my partner, one the few people that had always believed in me and Brenda....Brenda, my wife, my friend at times, my enemy at others, and the woman Sonny had always wanted to spend eternity with, he didn't care if it was in hell, he just cared if it was with her.
Their eyes are locked, I can see the tears start to glisten in Brenda's eyes, I can see the look in Sonny's eyes. I've seen it before, I've seen it many times before. He wants her, his desire/his love/his infatuation for her outweighs all rational thought.
I realize something as I start to rush towards them, weaving in and out of people I don't even see. I'm not rushing towards to save Carly or Sonny, I'm rushing towards to save her. To save Brenda from the heartache and pain that I know will follow soon. Somewhere along the line I started caring for Brenda without it being an order or a moral obligation. I don't want to see her in pain for her final months.
My arm wraps around her waist and I turn her into me as I sweep her out of the bar. I don't bother walking back to the table to retrieve her purse, the same person that made sure it stayed there all night will make sure it's still here in the morning.
I deliver her to the car that is ready and waiting for us at all times, she drops into the passenger's seat. I hurry to the driver's side, she needs to be away from here.
I keep glancing at her as I drive, she's barely holding herself together. She's tried to stay so strong, so brave. I've seen her with Sonny, with Jax, with everyone, she doesn't want to crumple in front of them. She's had her head turned looking out the windows since we got in the car, she can't make eye contact with me, this is getting bad.
I can't see her eyes, but I see her head drop in pain. I'm not thinking as I pull the car over, as I rush out with the keys still in the ignition, rip open her door and pull her into my arms as she breaks down into tears against me, unable to do anything but cry as I hold her up.
I don't know how long passes on the darkened and isolated city street, five minutes? Ten minutes? It seems like forever as I rub her back and croon into her ear that everything would be alright. I'm doing what I hate to do. I'm lying to her, I know things weren't going to be alright, how could they be alright when she was dying? She's dying and can't be with the man she wanted to spend forever with, the man she's loved since she was eighteen. It makes me feel even worse because I'm the one keeping them apart, I was keeping her safe, I was keeping Sonny safe and Carly and Michael, but I've been hurting her at the same time.
She looks up at me, through the blood shot eyes that still sent rolls of tears streaming down her cheeks, she looks up at me for the answers. I realize I've become the one she trusts, the one she turns to "How did I mess up so bad? How did I become that fuck up Julia knew I'd become?"
"You're not a fuckup."
"Yes I am, we could have had everything Jason. We had that love that you only see in movies, we had that! Every time I see them together Jason.…" She shakes her head, "That should have been us.…I was wrong Jason, I was wrong when I told you that I had always loved him more than he loved me....I was wrong, we just loved each other with everything we had, but we were both scared.…we were just kids....if I hadn't worn that wire, if I hadn't pushed him so much..."
She crumples into my chest again, and I wrap my arms tight around her again as I try to comfort her, "Don't you think that runs through everyone's mind Brenda? There are a million what ifs, if onlys that happen in our lives....Do you think you're the only one that has them....we all have a million regrets, but we can't do anything about them now....Our lives could have ended up a billion of different ways. You could have not worn the wire, you could have not married Jax the night Lily died, you could not have found Sonny when they set it up to look like he had an overdose....It works in both ways Brenda. Good and bad....and even then, that's open to interpretation ... .If Jason Quartermaine had put on his seatbelt when he got into the car with AJ. I wouldn't be here. I'm happy to be here, I'm happy to be alive. Just like Michael's glad he's got Sonny as his father."
"Don't you think I know that?" she yells as she pulls back from me, breaking free of my arms "Don't you think I've always known that? I came so close to losing him....losing him from this earth, not just my life waaay too many times...If I had been a few minutes later...But I am so sick of not being with him, of having to see him living his life without me in it. How can the world just keep going? Why can't this pain just end already? This living in limbo, I've been here for four years and I don't know how much more of it I can take. I was so happy once…."
I take her back into my arms and I kiss the top of her head "You're going to be happy again Bren. I promise you."
Her sobs grow stronger and I feel her legs give out completely, I sit with her in my arms on the deserted street. I will not break my promise.