Chapter 12
Domestic Dreams
Jason~
House shopping with Brenda is an odd experience because to anyone seeing us,
we must look like a married couple, out searching for their dream home. From the
start she kept taking my hand and leading me through the houses; she would lean
on me as she surveyed the room. She kept nagging me into getting more involved,
she kept asking if I liked it and I'd course respond with "Do you?" She kept
reminding me it wasn't going to be her home, it was going to be 'Our Home.'
Somewhere around the third house that clicked, this was going to be the house that
Brenda and I lived in as husband and wife, it was be the house we laughed in, she
cried in, we truly lived in, it would be my first real home. So I started getting more
involved, hallways that were too small, we'd always be bumping into each other (which
really when I thought about it made me regret ever saying that).
It was around the fifth house though that I realized something else as I was watching her
look out from the master bedroom's window, this would be the house I grieved for her in.
It would be the house I wouldn't be able to stand the site of once she was gone. It would
be the house I watched her die in because I knew that once we made this commitment to
this town, to a house, to building our home out of that house that I wouldn't be able to take
her away from that when she started to get sick.
It was in the sixth house I realized that we would have time together, that the memories we
were going to build were going to be the reasons I grieved and suddenly I didn't care anymore
that I shouldn't care about Brenda, I shouldn't worry about how it happened. I had to live in
the here and now as I had once done before. Suddenly, her zeal for this, which had been
absent in me as I stayed back and watched her passed to me and suddenly I was leading her
around the house, I was taking her hand, I was getting excited over the built in Jacuzzi next to
the pool.
I think we both realized the moment we stepped into the eight house, we'd found our house,
because we stopped in the entrance way. It wasn't a fancy house, I think the realtor described
it as Tudor Style, but then again that could have been the house before. All I knew was sunlight
seemed to stream in from every angle, the carpet was so plush there would never be a need
for socks or slippers in the winter months, the house seemed to be filled with energy, with love,
with warmth, the type of warmth we'd never really had. It wasn't a big house, then again it wasn't
a small house. It had four bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, a large living room, a dining
room, and a kitchen that made it a shame neither of us could cook very well. It also had a small
study or office next to the living room, the realtor had also suggested it could be used as a sewing
room causing Bren and I to laugh. The backyard contained a patio, a fenced in pool, a swing set
and plenty of flowers (or would be flowers in the summer months), bushes, trees and open grass.
I turned to Brenda, we hadn't even seen the upstairs, but I knew this was the house that was
meant for us, but as I turned to tell her that I saw her looking at the swing set.
It was funny how I could sense what she was thinking, maybe it wasn't too deep, but I felt like our
connection meant more. "Michael will come over all the time."
She smiled, but even she admitted it was a weak fake smile as she said "I adore Michael, but it just
isn't the same."
As much as I hated to admit it, I had to agree, I love Michael it's never been the same since I was
raising him as my own. "It's something Bren" I whispered as I pulled her into me.
"Isn't it something" Peggy, the realtor said walking up behind us. "And you haven't even seen the
second floor."
I turned to her and said "I want to be in here by the end of the week"
She couldn't help but looked stunned, "I don't know if that's possible"
I smile "I have faith in you, Peggy" I gave her a business card and told her to call me as soon
as she talked to the owners and we would settle everything then. I turned back to Brenda who
had a bewildered smile on her face "We have a house?"
"We definitely have a house, actually better than a house, a home, yours and mine." I picked her
up, I don't know what caused me to do that, but I did it anyway. I picked her up and I spun her
and we laughed. When I put her down, she started to drag me by the hand again.
"Let's go look upstairs"
"Oh no no no," I said pulled her back "It's almost 2, I haven't eaten since breakfast, if you could
call a Poptart breakfast. We're getting lunch."
"But?"
"Nope," I said cutting her off "The house will be here tomorrow"
She gave a sad smile to our soon to be backyard, she wasn't quite ready to leave it. I could see
her thinking rapidly about everything she wanted to do back here. I was personally already having
thoughts of one of those massive stainless steel barbeques, though where such domestic thoughts
came from I had no idea.
"We're getting a Jacuzzi right?"
"Oh yea" I say wrapping an arm around her and leading her back into the house.