A/N: Any wolves you recognize from The Twilight Saga belong to Stephanie Meyer.
Basically everything else, including past and present wolf pack members, imprints, wolf families, and additional characters in this story belong to the universe created by the amazing, brilliant, and wonderfully talented yay4shanghai!
Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed, it means the world to me!
As always I recommend you read the other spin-offs by liljenrocks, ari11990, AsagariMelody, Guzhong, twihardcaligurl, and intiMACYx33. They are fantastic and worth taking the time to read.
Thank you so much for being such a wonderful beta yay4shangai! You're tremendously talented and I am so grateful that you've shared your gift and that you've let me play around with your characters.
Shattered Illusions or When it All Fell Apart
26 August 2041
Today is my least favorite day of the year. Right now it's precisely two AM, so the day has really only just begun, unfortunately.
I'm already counting down the minutes until it's over, 1320, wait 1319 minutes to go now.
On the bright side, if you're one of those annoyingly optimistic type people who feel the need to find one, I am now officially an adult. Yippee, hurrah, eighteen years old, I'm no longer a minor that requires a legal guardian when things like getting arrested happen—still having issues believing I just was. Can't you just feel the elation positively oozing off me like puss from a festering sore in this moment of joy?
Because if today is my birthday, that also means it has been exactly five years since Devlin was killed, five years since I watched my brother die through the collective pack mind, since I saw it happen with my father's eyes.
Thinking about it makes sleep impossible tonight, but I can't stop myself. The channel my brain is watching is jammed, suck on instant replay even, so I get to see it over and over again. Aren't I lucky? I would love to experience even just a few hours of mindless escape by sleeping away the time, but I know I'd find no peace in any dreams I'd have tonight, so it's better not to even bother trying.
Instead I'm just waiting, waiting for Melody to get home as I stare at my wall and mindlessly trace imaginary cracks on its black surface. I'd painted my walls black in a fit of depression about a month after Dev died when I still wasn't communicating with anyone. Mom and dad let me and I'd never really gotten around to repainting it and now I'm never here so I don't see the point.
Mel's out with Taylor still. He took off work over the weekend to go camping as part of his birthday present for her. Every year, with one notable exception, since we were eleven I think, he has taken her camping either the weekend before or after our birthday.
I know she'll be back before breakfast today though. Melody and I always spend the anniversary together; just the two of us. Not even Taylor joins us, although he knows he's welcome to. He respects that this is something she and I need to do with no one else involved and while we're together, mom and dad spend the day at Jordan and Mark's cabin, sending Eli over to Phil's place.
We usually spend most of the day in silence, well it's always silent for me, but I meant not communicating, crying more often than not and just being there for each other. The rest of the time is pretty much spent talking about Dev, remembering him and indulging in the hazardous "what if" game while getting as wasted and high as our wolf bodies allow us to. We, or at least I, know I do my best not to think like that the rest of the year, although I can't help it at times. It doesn't do any good to imagine a world that he was still a part of and I know how much he'd hate it if I wasted my life wishing instead of living.
And it's not that we don't talk about him the rest of the year; he's not a taboo subject or anything. It's just that this day is dedicated exclusively to him. It was cathartic to spend the day getting as emotional as we want, knowing we'd feel better afterwards. It was a way to purge the regret, guilt, and sadness that had been building up all year from our systems, so we have room for it to start building up again. We even skipped school for it.
School had started up for me last week. Mel goes to school here on the rez and they didn't start until yesterday, but she didn't go and isn't going today either; I'm a little jealous. It is my senior year, but I am not enjoying it at all. I hated being so far away from Krista for so many hours of the day.
My concentration is completely shot, I can think of nothing except her. I've gotten in trouble everyday so far at least once for zoning out while I daydreamed about her, thinking about her softly glistening amber skin. How she bowed her slender back into a perfect arch, like the ones built for the Roman aqueducts, eagerly pushing up towards the sun, its ray's meeting her like old friends greeting after a lengthy absence. Her bare skin thirstily drinking in their euphoric energy, taking on a pinkish glow that vitality nearly poured from. The mental image sent liquid fire surging through my veins and made me remember how the position thrust her perfect round breasts further out and—
Yea, it was exactly that line of thinking that kept getting me in trouble. I've always been a pretty great student, but I know my performance in the classroom this year is a pale imitation of what it has been in previous years. I've spent more time during the six days we've been in session writing notes to her than I have taking notes from the teachers. Neither of which seem like a productive use of my time, however, because no time spent away from her seems meaningful.
I wish I were with her right now or at least near her, watching her sleep, but the encounter would be tainted if I did and I don't want that. Not even Krista could keep me from thinking of Dev today and I don't to associate feeling this level of sadness with her or feel guilty having her when Dev never got the chance to find his soul mate, not anymore guilty than I already do. Sighing, I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes. I'll be glad when Mel gets home.
That thought made me grin because for a while the eve before she left with Tay, I was positive that the best thing to do with my darling sister would be to gleefully strangle her.
I was following Krista, but then when am I not, when it happened. It was in the evening, the setting sun lighting the sky in an array of pinks, purples, and blues as it welcomed the approaching twilight. I was confused, and a little fearful, about where she was going, alone, as she headed towards La Push. Then just when she crossed onto our land, she turned off the main road leading to the beach, driving north instead. I figured out where she was headed pretty quickly at that point, there was only one place she could be going on this road—my house.
Sometimes I hated being right, I'd thought as I paced back and forth in the trees lining the edge of the field bordering our property. Taking out my aggression with each stomp of my foot, I decimated a path through the undergrowth by crushing leaves and flowers, squishing the muddy wet moss, and kicking roots, branches, and small trees with enough force to unearth them. I didn't like standing there, the floral scents of the meadow completed with hers and that irritated me, enough to make my skin quiver and the edges of my form blur.
This was ridiculous, and more to the point, I looked ridiculous. Besides that I was hungry, starving in fact. It was past dinner time, but Krista hadn't eaten before leaving so I hadn't made it home to have dinner yet and it was going on seven hours since my last meal. Way too long if you ask me.
Fed up with myself, I sauntered over to the side of the house and sprung through my open bedroom window with the ease and precision of a frog hopping to a new lily pad. I waited until her aroma got stronger and was unexpectedly rewarded when it was only a minute later. She was moving just outside my tightly sealed door. I waited another moment for her smell to change again, indicating she had entered the restroom across the hall from me before opening my door then marching down the hall.
Melody was waiting for me, wringing her hands, but grinning openly with a devious glint in her eye that would have made Shakespeare proud to cast her in the role of Puck. I stalked slowly towards her, creeping like a snail, intent to ask what she was on about, but she backed up moving around the corner of the faded blue couch giggling with her hands up pretending to ward me off, I followed her progress.
'Explain,' I signed, narrowing my eyes on my target as I glided around the arm as well, moving between the couch and coffee table now.
'We're having a girl's night,' she signed quickly, still laughing and trying not to trip as she stepped over their haphazardly discarded shoes currently obstructing her path as she rounded the other arm. I took note of them so I wouldn't be hindered by their progress either.
'Here?' I signed, arching a single eyebrow up in question.
'I invited her over to watch a movie.' She tried to adopt an innocent look when she signed that, but ruined it by snorting and chuckling.
Carefully stepping to the side myself, I realized this had turned into a playful game of cat and mouse, one I was determined to win. I smiled at her as I continued and watched as her eyes rounded in surprise then asked, 'and I suppose it was last minute, so you didn't have time to ask if I minded?'
A quick nod and dazzling smile were her answer.
I made my move, striking then. Bounding over the back of the couch, I scooped her up, tossing her over my shoulder and tickling her side with my free hand. Her dangling limbs hitting and kicking me in mock struggle as her laughter shook her lithe frame. I turned, intending on throwing her onto the couch, but halted at the enchanting site of Krista watching us. She was laughing hysterically, her whole body quaking and all of her exposed flesh was flushed with mirth. She was propped against the wall, unable to stand on her own.
I felt Mel slide down my back and shove me towards the kitchen when my traitorous stomach ruined the moment by growling rebelliously and reminding me just how hungry I was. I stopped minding though because it made Krista laugh harder, even reaching up to swipe joyous tears from the corner of one of her glittering green eyes where they had leaked out during her amusement.
Thinking Krista was probably hungry too, and knowing that Mel always was, but wouldn't be able to fix something edible, I decided to make dinner for all three of us. I tried to pull out all the stops or as many as I could within a very short span of time, so I made chicken marsala with grilled bell peppers, squash, and zucchini.
I was just about to start to sautéing the chicken breasts in the mushroom, garlic, and marsala wine sauce I had whipped up when Krista came in. My back was to the door, preventing me from seeing her enter, but the prickling of my skin alerted me to her nearness. Turning towards her, she gave me a stunning smile that had me staggering as she came closer then opened the refrigerator, which happened to be located across from the stove and my current position.
She bent over slightly trying to find something on the upper middle of the four total shelves. I knew that was where we kept beverages and I assumed that was what she was searching for, but with all my shopping lately the fridge was near to bursting from being overstocked and the drinks had been pushed against the back making them impossible to locate unless you already knew where they were.
Taking a deep breath of her calming scent, detecting lilacs in her flowery bouquet, I stepped forward, pressing flush against her. I felt her relax further back into me when I extended my hand forward, dragging the tips of my fingers along her outstretched arm. I felt how it made her shutter and saw the trail of goosebumps it left on her arm, but she didn't step away, actually pressed harder against me instead. It made me nearly dizzy with ecstasy. I slide my hand between the blocks of various cheeses stacked against one side and the bag of loose, freshly picked green beans to reach a glass bottle of unsweetened iced tea, something I knew she liked.
Securing the prize, I daringly placed my other hand on the gentle swell of her hip, squeezing lightly as I maneuvered the bottle between the masses of food to pull it out. My giant hand engulfed her tiny almost cold one as I placed the bottle in it. Her hips moved, rubbing her thinly clad, round bottom enticingly against my groin and as much as I didn't want to, I stepped away, forced to, unless I wanted her to feel exactly what that did to me.
She was breathing shallowly, rapidly as she turned to look up at me. Her alluring eyes tempting me to take Solace's advice and kiss her. My own breathing was becoming rather ragged at the thought of what her mouth would taste like, of finding out if her lips were soft as they looked, of how she would react if I did. Dear god, please don't let her look down right now, I prayed, I was sure I would expire on the spot if she did because she was not going to miss my raging erection. It was impossible to get control of my thoughts.
She stepped closer, covering about half the distance between us, enough room to let the refrigerator door swing shut behind her. I was fighting to breathe to not yank her to me, then just as it closed, she jumped, startled by the sound I think, but her movement caused me to notice something out of the corner of my eye.
Turning to see what it was, I found Mel trying to sneak back out of the room from where she had been watching us. She looked guilty about getting caught for all of a second, swiftly recovering to give me an expression that was smug beyond belief after looking me over and noticing my reaction to Krista. Damn her anyways.
"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to make sure you weren't having any problems finding it since you were taking so long," Mel explained to Krista when we didn't stop staring at her, signing as she did.
I couldn't see Krista's face, since she had moved towards Mel, leaving me clueless about what she said to that, but I saw her wave the drink at Mel before darting out of the room. Mel shot me a teasing wink then followed her out.
I finished preparing dinner and carried a plate into the other room for each of them. Krista seemed to be in a state of bewilderment when I handed it to her. She blinked several times as if emerging from a haze, surprised to suddenly find herself able to see clearly and shocked at her surroundings. It took a moment for her to notice my offering, but when she did, she took it gratefully and granted me another enthralling smile. I retreated back into the kitchen to eat myself. I was too distracted not to resemble Paul if I tried to eat around her now and that wasn't something I wanted her to see.
Remembering that night brought me a measure of peace I wasn't used to feeling. It was almost enough to help me drift off. I felt lethargic, but it was fleeting because the sickeningly sweet odor, analogous to a bowl of fruit left out on the kitchen table for several months to rot, wafting under my nose had the same affect smelling salts did on unconscious women in the days of old—it revitalized me.
My eyes burst open and I leapt from my bed, dashing past the kitchen and out the front door quick as a flick of a whip. I was frantic. Alert didn't even begin to cover my level of awareness right then. Not when the smell was accompanied by the summery scent of Melody.
No! Not today, please not today. Please don't let this be happening today, wait—EVER! This can't ever happen.
Terror seized me as possibilities flashed through my head, each more horrific than the last, paralyzing my muscles so I stood immobile in the middle of our front yard and making my heart race faster than it ever had before, eliciting a stronger response than even Krista had ever managed to produce and I honestly hadn't thought that possible prior to this moment.
My heart slowed once I acknowledged that the heinous stench was extremely diluted, merely a lingering residue tainting Mel's sunshine and also Tay's soapy clean scents. I didn't know if I should run out to meet them or wait here, letting the cool predawn rain pelt me and reduce the feverish affect this has had on my skin.
I was startled to feel my mother's hand being placed on my shoulder and I jerked away, spinning, prepared to attack before I recognized that it was her. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen as she smiled understandingly, urging me back into the house to wait for them there. I wondered if the smell or the racket I'm sure I made slamming the door open had woken her or if the trail of dried tears tracing a path down her face that the rain hadn't washed away yet meant she was already awake, having the same problem as I had sleeping today.
Turning back, I saw my father's large, defined body filling the doorway. He was gripping the edge tightly with a stance and expression that I almost feared mimicked my own of a minute ago. It scared me to think I could ever look as hopeless, terrified, and deadly at once.
Mom ushered me in once he turned to lead the way and I saw that the place where his hand had been holding the side was gone, now only a pile of sawdust on the floor below it. We didn't make it to the kitchen before they showed up, looking tired, wet, and way more bruised and banged up than they should after taking out a vamp, but otherwise fine. Well, fine if you ignored the torn, muddy clothing, Taylor's busted red lip and swollen discolored jaw, and the deep gashes of still bleeding claw marks circling Melody's upper right arm like a perverse version of the cobra bracelet armlets women wear for jewelry. They probably saw us reentering the house, but I had missed their approach.
I was at Melody's side, with my arms locked around her waist in a heartbeat, beating both mom and dad who contented themselves by hugging Taylor. I practically collapsed against her so that she was actually the one holding me up as I sobbed unabashedly into her neck. I embraced her even harder when she began lightly running her fingers through my hair and I know she was making comforting noises because I could feel how they made her chest vibrate. Eventually I noticed Tay tugging at my arms, not to pry them loose, but to get me to relax my unforgiving steel hold a little, worried I was squeezing her too tight. Peeking over her shoulder, I saw that Tay was watching us sympathetically, trying not to start crying himself.
Once our little impromptu reunion was over and I had finally released her, mom and dad quickly converged on Mel, dragging her further into the house. They headed for the kitchen where a first aide kit and towels were waiting, which I assumed they must have retrieved while I was having my little meltdown. As they headed over, I got a look at Melody's shirt and was distressed to see a rusty crimson stain had soaked through the material across her upper back. I rushed over to inspect it and bring it to mom's attention. I felt awful for keeping her from getting it looked at right away.
'It's fine… it doesn't even hurt,' Mel insisted, grinning wearily at our fussing as she signed and rolling her eyes at Tay. His tight smile let me know that it had been really bad and he was still worried, but wasn't showing it because he didn't want to upset her. She was too tough for her own good sometimes.
Dad went to get Melody a clean shirt while mom and Tay helped her peel off the sticky, blood crusted one she was wearing, after seeing her wince when trying to do it herself, revealing that the bloody gouges on her arm continued across her back, ending at the top of her left hip.
I wasn't letting her out of my sight at this point until I was sure she was okay, so I helped mom clean the dirty grit and debris out of the cuts on her back while Tay worked on her arm. It must have just happened because they were still fresh, but it was lucky they hadn't really healed yet because they were pretty bad and we probably would have had to reopen them if they had. It didn't very long and mom dressed the rapidly healing wounds once we were done.
'Care to explain what happened?' Mom signed with a small sad smile, asking for one of them to share the story as she slumped down into the chair next to dad. He had been sitting stoically, watching with vacant eyes that made me wonder if he was actually seeing anything, while we worked.
'We were, uh—,' Taylor started, blushing while his hands fumbled for a second before continuing, 'sleeping, when a pair of vamps attacked. We were distracted, so they managed to sneak up on us.' Tay looked more than a little disgruntled about the fact that they had.
'They tore right through the tent to get at us—ripped it to shreds. We got all tangled up in the mess, trying to get out without phasing so we didn't end up hurting each other before they had a chance to. That definitely gave them the advantage and they made good use of it once we were out,' Mel added, shaking her head in disbelief as she remembered it.
It made me think of Krista and what would have happened if she and I ever did get together and if that had been us. I could have killed her myself. It would be so easy to accidentally hit her in the confusion and her fragile body wouldn't be able to take it.
Or what if I couldn't stop myself and phased? Being that close would kill her or at the very least seriously maul her. I thought of Emily and realized that I wouldn't even need to be in a situation like they were just in, because it could happen anytime we were together. There was always a risk and I couldn't live with myself, knowing each time I saw her that it was entirely my fault if I ever hurt Krista, the way that Sam does with Emily.
And there were two bloodsuckers. There was no way I could have taken them both on without Krista getting hurt, killed, at some point during it. I stood up and moved away from the table as if by physically distancing myself from the reality of my life I would make my thoughts somehow less true.
'You guys are really alright though, aren't you,' mom signed a great deal slower than usual and her expression made me positive that she was afraid of the answer.
'Yea, but sometimes I swear they single us out… attack because we're wolves. It's like they come looking just for us, especially since we're so notorious in Volterra with the new council,' Tay signed in annoyance, huffing at the end of his rant and slouching back in his chair with his arms crossed.
His words slammed into me forcefully, like getting punched in the gut with a cinderblock for a fist. He was right. I mean wasn't that one of their goals for both of the Great Renesmee Wars? And why the last war happened? To eliminate us? Both of my parents almost died in the second Great Renesmee War and Dev did die in the last one, but ultimately, they failed. We were still here. So it stands to reason that it would happen again.
She would always be in danger if she were with me. I was a danger to her. I knew all the promises of happiness imprinting made and I'd wanted to so badly, but Tay's words were a revelation for me. One that sealed my fate, so now that I had, I wouldn't get to enjoy it. I had to protect her and the best way to do that was to not be with her. I felt like someone had just revealed that the elusive jackalope was nothing more than a fable, a myth, after devoting my entire life to finding one, but he'd knowingly waited until I was on my deathbed to do so.
My imprinting was like a cruel twisted joke. It was one more thing to torment me with for the rest of eternity or until I just couldn't take it anymore and the agony of endless suffering finally consumed me. Like poison creeping its way, inch by excruciating inch, through my body, withering away my insides as it journeyed to my heart. It saved my heart for last, because like I said—it's cruel. Knowing it could prolong my torture before ultimately leaving me as nothing but a hollow shell for as long as I was still in possession of one, for that is its curse.
'Levi? What is it? What's wrong?' Mel signed, staring at me in concern.
She was the only person I saw right then, the only person in the room my eyes registered. I stared at her intently, with unblinking eyes as I prepared myself for the impossible conversation ahead. She stood up and moved to come closer to me, but stopped when I stepped back, determined to maintain a minimum distance from her.
'Krista.' I signed her name slowly, carefully, with the reverence it deserves, because it was precious to me and I was about to loose it and everything it represented.
"Oh!" I saw Melody gasp. Her hands flew up to cover her mouth and her eyes shone brightly from the glassy film of tears forming in them. I knew she understood then, what I was thinking, but I had to make sure she really grasped what it meant.
'I don't want her to have anything to do with this world, our world. Nothing. Not ever.' Again I signed slowly, but now with a hard, sober look to show her exactly how serious I was about this.
'You can't mean that. Come on, Levi,' she begged, alarmed by this.
'No. I—I…, I just can't risk her getting hurt. If something ever happened to her because of what we are… it would kill me. I wouldn't be able to live with it. You've got to understand, Mel—please tell you get it,' I signed earnestly, ending up begging myself.
'I do… I lost him too.' Mel reminded me frankly, but appeared resigned to my decision. This wasn't like before, however, so I had to make sure.
'Stay away from her, Mel. I mean it.' I signed significantly, almost daring her to push me or question me about the consequences if she went against me on this, but I knew she wouldn't. We were too close and she loved me too much to ever betray me like that.
'Alright,' she replied simply, nodding in agreement a little, her face impassive.
That was it. Nothing more needed to be said on the matter—ever. I stared at her a moment longer, until her blank look crumbled to reveal the profound sorrow I'd known she was feeling on my behalf, because my own was exponentially greater. But seeing hers now had me nearly staggering from the immensity of mine and I couldn't handle seeing it a moment longer when the first crystal clear drop of water escaped from her eye and slid swiftly over the contours of her cheek.
For the first time ever, I saw tears fall from my sister's eyes and I turned my back on them. I just couldn't. Not right now at least. I trusted that Taylor would be there for her right now. She would rather be comforted by him anyways, I told myself weakly as I walked into my bedroom, knowing full well that today was the one day that wasn't true and never would be.
I shut and locked the door, not acknowledging anything or anyone else before leaving the room and not planning to again anytime soon. After that, I crawled into my bed, turned over to face the wall and pulled the comforter up over my head, determined to ignore the rest of the world.
~*~ ∞ ~*~
Endnote: The next chapter is done and ready to be posted, but I'm holding it hostage until this chapter gets at least 25 reviews because it's a bonus chapter and parts of it were exceedingly difficult to write. This is probably one of the only times I'll beg for reviews, so if you want the bonus chapter, REVIEW!