I hate writer's block and it's only writer's block for the chapter you have to write, you can write one 3 chapters away from that one, but not that one. Makes no sense whatsoever, but here is the next chapter, I'll try my best to get the next one out soon, but honestly chances of that are slim so I'm going to apologize in advance and thank everyone who's still reading.

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Chapter 18

In My Arms

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"Now this is the master bedroom" Peggy says opening the doors

I can hear Brenda's sudden intake of a breath

Peggy hears it too "I know isn't it beautiful. I don't think there's a time of day or a season that this room won't be stunning in, unless we suddenly develop tornado's here." She chuckles a bit

I just stood back and watched Brenda and Peggy move silently towards the windows that overlooked our backyard. The windows were huge and they gave a breathtaking view of the backyard which was covered in a light dusting of snow, which combined with the night and the moon gave it a surreal quality that somehow reminded me of the pyramids because of the utter peace and tranquility it conveyed. Brenda stood at the window for a few moments before turning around.

"Why aren't you looking, this is so completely beautiful and perfect" she says turning back around

I smile "I know I can see it."

She smiles turning back to the windows I can see her thoughts so clearly at the moment, I can see this is the house she's always dreamed of. Sonny once told me of the plans they had made and how he was going to build her the castle of her dreams. They had put so much planning into that house, there were so many details, some big, some small. Yet we had just had just found this house; before us these dreams had belonged to another couple. Yet this is going to be our home and it's perfect and all we had to do was stumble across it or maybe it found us.

Peggy rips me out of my thoughts, out of watching, committing every detail of this moment to my memory, the sight of her standing at the window frozen by the amazement of finding perfection in such an imperfect time, "You've got to see this." Brenda and I both walk over to the door Peggy has opened and walking into it rivaled the bedroom in its beauty, the tiles were a light smokey blue, it was spacious and off to the side was a whirlpool fit for 2 and over it was a skylight.

"Wow" I don't mean to say that, but I do. That tub, that skylight, that made for pretty graphic thoughts all of which containing the woman whose waist I had my arm wrapped around and didn't even realize it.

"Yea definitely wow"

"I know" Peggy says walking around the room "This is t he kind of bathroom, you just feel wrong referring to it as a bathroom and you can't tell because you have shoes on but the tiles are heated, there's a knob next to the light switch that controls that. I think this is my favorite room in the whole house," she turns and smiles at us "it feels almost straight out of a romance novel or a movie set."

We just kinda stare at Peggy, okay actually I'm looking at Peggy, but all I'm seeing is that tub, me and Brenda lying in that tub staring up above at the stars. I wonder what her neck would taste like as she's gazing upwards while lying back in my arms, I wonder what really kissing her would be like as I see her turn around and connect with me.

"So let's go see the rest of the rooms" Peggy once more announces and we turn to walk out of the room, I look at Brenda as we start to walk and I wonder if that's a blush I'm seeing or if she's only overheating from having her coat still on.

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"This room is just the cutest." Peggy opens the door across from the master bedroom. "It's not finished, but I'm sure you'll agree with me. It might be a little over the top, but…oh..well I'll just let you two see."

She moved to the side and allowed us to walk in the door. It was a kid's room. Probably a kid's dream room. It was painted to imitate the woods, well the woods with sprites, fairies and gnomes all running around. A unicorn looked adoringly up at the sun which was also painted on the walls, along with the regular plants, flowers and trees. The ceiling was covered with clouds; Peggy must have seen me look up at them because the next thing I knew the lights were switched off and stars covered the ceiling.

She flips the lights back on, "Isn't just the cutest room ever and the built in bookcases and window seat." She sighs again.

Suddenly I realize Brenda's said nothing, not a single word, not a breath since we entered the room. I turn to her and I see her walking towards the unicorn. She traces its mane with her finger. I turn to Peggy "Can you give us a moment?"

She's looking at Brenda in shock, she sees that single tear start to stream down her cheek and I know she's trying to figure out what happened. She nods "I'll be downstairs"

Brenda turns to me as she hears Peggy's disappearing footsteps "You can make-believe all you want to as a child…You know I think I'm doing so well sometimes. I really think I'm coming to terms with it, I mean it's been four years, then I realize I'm just ignoring it."

I move towards her, take her hand and walk her towards the window seat. I adjust myself behind her, allowing her to lean into me as she looks out onto the front yard. "Sometimes ignoring it isn't such a bad idea. You don't come to terms with things by giving up, which is what is seems to mean to you. You can still have years ahead of you Bren."

She shakes her head, I know sometimes living with the knowledge it'll all be gone soon can take away the joy and not enhance it like it should. There's a wistful tone to her voice and she starts to speak, as she starts to share her dream "Can't you see a little kid in this window? Playing, reading, or just waiting. Waiting to see their Daddy's car pull up the driveway. Can't you hear those little feet as they run down the stairs? Feel that little person press their body into yours? You can still have that Jason…

You can still have it, but I don't get to, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming about it, from wishing it was possible with every ounce of my being."

My heart breaks listening to her little vision, listening to how she phrased it, she never says the word mommy. She never continues into my thought of pulling into that driveway. Having the door opened by a kid running at me, launching themselves into my arms and then seeing her standing in the doorway smiling. My heart's not only breaking for her, but for me as selfish as that is.

I can barely believe I can imagine it, that I can see this whole future for myself for the first time ever, but I definitely can't imagine that with someone besides Brenda. "There are plenty of kids out there who need homes Brenda."

"Who would give a child to a dying woman and a mob boss?"

"I have connections Brenda." I realize what I'm saying to her, I realize I'm asking her, telling her I will make this a real family, but I want it worse than she does. I can just imagine her holding our baby, but I can imagine us loving a child who needs a home just as easily.

"I had my mom leave me Jason; I had her leave me as a kid. I won't do that to a child."

"You wouldn't leave your child like that."

"What would happen when I start to go crazy, what happens when I start to lose it? What would happen if you weren't home? What if I did something to that child.." she bites back the tears "like my mom tried to do with me?" She now finally fully leans into me; she's almost at the point of collapse as she starts to cry. "She would hate me, she would try so hard not to, she would know it was the disease in her brain…but not her heart….All she would know was her mommy tried to hurt her, everything else would be a lie."

"You would never hurt our child Brenda" I say turning her to face me

She laughs looking at me, a sad desperate laugh "Our child…Oh dear god Jason, what have I done to your life…First I force you to marry me, then I force you to move out of your home and now I'm asking you to raise a child while you're caring for me and after..."

"You haven't forced me into anything. I'm still my own person Brenda, I live my life. I said 'I do,' I called Peggy, I asked you if you wanted us to be parents. A child isn't a hardship Brenda, the time I spent being Michael's father was the happiest time in my life."

"So I'm preventing you from finding someone who can give you a child."

"You're my wife. The only person I'd want to be the mother of my child is you."

She's completely clueless of my feelings for her; she thinks this is all because of obligation, partial friendship. She has no idea that I go through all the same feelings; she has no idea when I walk past a store front full of children's toys or clothing my heart breaks a little because I won't be someone's father again. She doesn't realize the terror that runs through me when I drive past a cemetery and realize that one day soon she'll be gone. She just won't be here, I don't know if there's anything besides this life and the thought of her not existing in some form besides just my memory drives such a terror in my heart I can't breathe. "I don't think I can do that to a child. I don't think I can make someone love me, when I know I'm going to leave them."

I just nod, my thoughts have made it impossible for me to breathe; I can't think her being gone anymore. I take her into my arms and I don't say anything, not for a long time. I just need to hold her, remind myself that she's here right now and that's what matters, not tomorrow, not next year, right now she's in my arms…