Olli grabbed two pairs of boxers and handed one to Christian, who quickly pulled the black briefs on and went to stand by the window.
For once in his life, Olli knew he had to wait. He'd been right in restraining Christian, it led them to this point, but he'd never dreamed of that angry outburst, he'd expected to seduce the answer out of him, did not expect to be sitting here nervously chewing his bottom lip and fighting an all pervading sense of dread.
He heard Christian take a deep breath, and felt rather than saw him run his fingers through his hair.
"Oliver I'm sorry, I don't know why I freaked out like that, I guess I'm just stressed… this test."
"No, Christian. Don't do that" Olli said tiredly. "Just, don't. You and I both know that your test has nothing to do with us. I'm asking you for one thing. Talk to me. Be honest with me. Please?"
He shut his eyes, hoping that the burning he felt was fatigue, but he knew better.
He heard Christian walk over, and when the man came to rest in front of him he looked up, holding his gaze for long seconds, trying to reassure, trying to silently communicate all that the man in front of him had come to mean. He watched, breathless as Christian sank down to his knees, wrapped his arms around Olli's waist and laid his head in his lovers lap.
"Olli," the barest of whispers accompanied by a tightening grip and a gentle nuzzle against his abdomen, "Olli I can't.I can't tell you why I'm like this, it's, I just don't know."
Olli could hardly believe the depth of misery emanating from the younger man.
"Why can't you tell me Schatz?" He whispered, in the same hushed tones. Olli felt like he was soothing a skittish colt. But he recognized Christian's can't for what it was - a refusal. Olli was determined to find out what that denial was borne of.
Christian was silent, but gripped Olli tighter, burrowing his heated face into the satiny skin above the elastic waistband of Olli's boxers.
"Oh Christian,"
Olli raised the boxers chin, and leaned down and kissed him, grazing that lush lower lip, holding him there as he probed gently with his tongue, thumbs tracing calming circles on the young man's cheeks.
He broke away, seeing for the first time a breach, a slight break in the defenses that had hampered them all these months. He would change tactics, he'd tried to force it out of Christian, which in hindsight was a bad idea. Now he would try kindness, because he would try anything as long as it meant this man opened up to him.
"Christian," he breathed, inches away but still feeling the gulf they had to conquer,
"I want to know all of your secrets, tell me everything… and I promise you won't keep them alone. I promise." And he sealed it with another kiss.
Christian was tempted, could he trust, would Olli still want him if he let go, if he withheld nothing. He could feel Olli' slow measured breathing, lung-fulls of calming air expanding and contracting that gorgeous torso. He was grounded by those large strong hands,and an equally warm forehead resting against his. When he opened his eyes Olli was there, watching, waiting. This man was already a part of his body, and under the scrutiny of that green gaze Christian held his breath and in the eternity of a moment decided.
Why not?
Why not trust? Why not try? Olli had never let him down yet. Olli was strong, But he didn't know if it was time. And he didn't know if even Olli could withstand this. But he had to try anyway.
Christian clambered onto his bed, and let himself be held, traced non-sense patterns on Olli's stomach, and kissed his way up the strong chest, darting out his tongue to taste the skin before settling on Olli's lips with a wordless apology and goodbye.
He rolled away from his lover and sat, head hung with his elbows resting on his knees.
He didn't look, didn't dare look to see the reaction afraid, of all things, of Olli. What would he say? What would he do? Finally he looked out of his window, seeking answers in the rooftops of Dusseldorf.
"I think. I love you."
He winced as he heard Olli gasp, and looked back down at the floor. He couldn't recall being more scared in his life.