Okay so I hate GH. Like passionately, hell I even hated Jason up until he warned Carly to not make him choose. He's redeemed for the moment so I'm writing. I hope you enjoy.

Summing up of chapters 1-33: Brenda and Jason are married, there have been no changes in the diagnosis of her disease, Lorenzo is still alive, everyone believes Jason and Brenda are in love. Jason is in love with Brenda, despite his best attempts not to be. Jason is more in touch with Jason Q due to his old journals. Robin is back in town, she and Jason have made peace. Brenda and Jason bought a house together, slept together after they got drunk celebrating Kristina's birth (Ned is still the assumed father) and Jason was drinking away his sorrows because he saw Brenda and Sonny share a kiss, in his house no less. J&B decide to forget what's happened, until Brenda finds herself pregnant. In the last chapter Carly and Brenda went head to head over Jason after Michael told Carly about the baby. I think that covers everything major.

Chapter 34

The Coward's Way

Brenda-

I took the coward's way out with Sonny. I let Michael tell him about the baby. I hadn't wanted to see the look in his eyes. The look of betrayal. I knew it would be there. It's always there, hidden behind his false indifference. He's wondering how I could love someone besides him, his best friend at that…

He's accepted it though. He can't live up to his words though, he can't be happy even though I am, not fully at least. I thought he had after we kissed in the kitchen, but there's something in his eyes, in his smile…

He's the one I pictured having a family with.

There may have been moments when I tried with Jax, pictured my storybook future. Sonny was the one I always came back to, my fantasies, my dreams. Being with Luis and lost in my thoughts of what a future could hold/should have held/would have been if I hadn't been so young, so rash…

I pictured coming back so many times, I was never going to, but I pictured coming back. Seeing him, running into his arms, getting married, having babies…

I did see him first. I opened the doors of the church and he was there, but his arms weren't the first ones I was in. Jason's were. Jason's ring…Hmm well he at least paid for the ring…No matter his is the ring I wear. His were the arms I was in as we created life. Jason's child rests beneath my heart not Sonny's. I wouldn't change that.

I guess they're right when they talk about maternal instincts, to protect your child, to love your child regardless…I love this baby more than I love any dream of having a child with Sonny. She is real, tangible and I hope I get to be part of her life for at least just a little bit. Long enough to see what color her eyes end up, her hair…

"Brenda," Skye opens the door, her distain so evident in her voice I know Jax isn't in the living room.

I plaster on the big ol' fake smile that has gotten plenty of use lately, "Jax around?"

"No Brenda, he went out when you called a half hour ago and told him you were coming over," she says sarcastically.

"Brenda," Jax's voice happily calls out and a guilty look crosses Skye's face.

I understand Skye's reaction towards me, hell I lived through it with Miranda, but she loves him a lot more than I ever did, they deserve to be happy together. I just wish she would stop seeing me as the enemy. All I've done since I've been back is try not to destroy the new lives everyone has started to live. "Hey Jax," I smile past Skye to where Jax has just wheeled into the room, "why are you-"

"Someone over did his workout today," Skye says with a sigh over her husband's ever relentless need to push his physical therapist into pushing him. Him ending back up in the chair for a few hours afterwards was not uncommon and pretty damn stupid on his part.

"Jesus Jax, again?"

Skye turns back, "Maybe he'll listen to you," she turns back to look at him, "I'm going out; I'll pick up something for dinner."

"You don't-" I'm about to tell her she doesn't need to leave on account of me.

She waves her hand, "I already had plans, just don't tire him out."

Hmm wonder what exactly she thinks I'm going to do with her husband?

I move over to the couch, we exchange the normal pleasantries, catch each other up on what's gone on in our lives in the three days since we've seen each other. Talk about Kristina for awhile. I'm a wuss, complete and utter chicken shit.

"So why don't you just tell me Bren," he says after I make some sad excuse about being thirsty and start to move away from the sofa.

I pause and take a deep breath, why couldn't telling Jax be like telling Edward and Lila? Or hell even Robin, here I'd gone and married her ex and was pregnant with his child and she'd launched herself into my arms. "I'm pregnant," I say not turning. I don't want to see the look of shock in those vivid blue eyes.

"Is it Jason's?"

I turn in shock, my slightly hanging open, what kind of a question is that?

"I'll take that as a yes," he looks guilty for only a second, "on come on Brenda half of this town thinks you married him to be Sonny's mistress."

"So that's why I moved to the opposite side of town because living across the hall from my lover was inconvenient."

"Look Brenda-"

"No," I raise a hand, "don't bother trying to explain. I'm going."

"Bren," I hear him call out as my hand is already on the doorknob.

I don't bother stopping though; I don't know why that just hurt. He's right, I know half the town thinks it…I'd been with how many other guys and I always ended up back with him. For him though to think I'd...

To think I was doing what I'd done in the past. I did everything in my power to break up Sonny and Lily; I was willing to be his mistress. I cheated on Jax with Sonny; regardless of the fact that I thought we were going to die, I'd signed up for till death do us part even if it hadn't been legal.

Funny my actions since coming back were led by the same reason I'd done those other things. Wanting what was best for Sonny. Once upon a time, I was the best thing for him. I stopped being that though.

I could never do that to Jason either or Michael or now my baby, my sweet wonderful baby. It's not there anymore, that overwhelming urge to be with him despite everything. There are too many other things that are more important. My priorities shifted when I wasn't looking, even if it weren't for the baby I wouldn't cheat on Jason.

Odd that it's now cheating. Faithfulness wasn't something that mattered when we married; then again I never thought I could be friends with him…Friends with him again. It's again because I see him, just like I know Jason sees him, Jason Q. The joking, the laughter, the sensitivity…I don't know if I just didn't see them before in Jason or if they took time to emerge, after all, he did have some growing up to do waking up at 22 with a blank slate where memories and experience were supposed to be.

I just know I could never betray him like I did Jax.

Maybe it's because I'm happier with him than I ever was with Jax. Maybe it's easier because I have no expectations. Not to mention there's a lot less to worry about when you don't have to worry about the future. I don't have to worry about if this will end because I know it will. I'm not in the future.