So I'm pretty bummed I couldn't get The Clockwork Angel today since I was busy all day, but I will get it tomorrow! I'm making it a must! Anywho, I just had to update this because I feel like I left you guys with an unfair cliffie and I wanted to get this out ASAP. I hope you all like it :) And just another reminder, if you guys like my style of writing, you should totally go to my profile and click the inkpop link I posted for my VERY OWN PERSONAL STORY! Comment on it and on this as well-yeesh, you'd think with all this nagging I'd be pulling all your teeth out-and we'll see how it goes from there!
Song:
Valentine-Kina Grannis
(I know I hadn't mentioned it yet, but it's the perfect song that'll be later described in the story for its significance.)
Present Day
POV: Simon
"God, I'm such an idiot," Clary screeches from down the hallway. I'm currently sitting in the living room of the Herondale/Fray Residency with Lily bouncing up and down on my lap. With curly golden locks like her father and her mother's wide green eyes, Lily was the perfect mix. But the one thing about her that annoys me the most is that she has her father's innate curiosity–which makes her the impossible child to baby-sit since she is always climbing or jumping off high surfaces.
"I beg to differ, but only in certain circumstances," I remark as she stomps into the room and freezes mid-rant to see Lily in the midst of climbing underneath my shirt with my glasses hanging half-on half-off her face. I look at her and smile. "I guess the Fray women can't help themselves when they're around me. Call it a fatal attraction."
But instead of laughing like I anticipate her to do, she bursts out crying, causing Lily and I to both freeze. Lily pops her head out through the head hole in my t-shirt–causing the shirt to rip slightly, which sucks considering it was one of my favorites–and gasps. "Mommy, why are you crying?"
Clary rushes over to me and separates her daughter from me, then picks up Lily and kisses her on the forehead. "I just missed you, baby."
Lily frowns. "I missed you too, but I'm not a big baby about it."
"You're just like your father," Clary whispers more to herself than out loud, but Lily catches on and tilts her head to the side, studying her mother curiously.
"I don't look like Simon," she says, but it comes out like a question rather than a statement.
I stare at Clary, waiting for her to clarify to her daughter that I'm not her father, that her real father is somewhere far away locked up when I realize Clary isn't planning on doing that. No, she doesn't want her daughter growing up knowing that regardless of how much Jace loves her, he's in a federal prison miles away from home for a crime he didn't really commit–or, at least I think so.
No, Clary wants her daughter to grow up happy and if that requires her to be ignorant, than so be it. I know full well the consequences of her choices, especially since things aren't looking up for Jace since he's sentenced for life, but being a father? Am I really going to accept that? And why couldn't she have told me this earlier, so that I have a chance to defend myself?
But if I am being honest with myself, I know that regardless of how much of a fight I'd put up, I would end up giving up because even though Lily isn't my own, I treat her as such. So friend, boyfriend or husband alike, I became her father…whether I could accept it or not.
Only problem is, Lily isn't that stupid–damn rapier wit. "No," Clary says slowly, "but you look like Simon's dad." A small lie, yeah, but since my father walked out on me years ago and left no evidence of his existence behind, finding out the truth was almost impossible.
Lily considers this and shrugs, ceasing that conversation.
"All right," Clary announces before Lily could ask any more questions–honestly, if curiosity could kill, Lily would've died at birth. "Now I believe you need to be tucked into bed since we have to wake up bright and early tomorrow."
"For karate lessons?" Lily asks, a smile on her face.
Clary can't help but smile back. "Yes."
Squirming out of her mother's grip with lightning speed, Lily lands gracefully on the balls of her feet, hugs her mom and runs off to bed on her own.
"Only nine years old and already capable of breaking bones," I laugh. "Could you imagine how much of a skilled fighter she'll become once she hits puberty? I pity any teenage boy who tries to mess with her."
"Mhm," Clary sighs, plopping down on the couch next to me.
"They'll have to pass a notice in school warning all boys to wear a groin cup to school," I continue, already aware that Clary isn't really paying any attention.
"Yeah," Clary smiles sadly, looking down at her hands on her lap. I fall silent, her sadness making me uneasy. She'd never visited Jace before and since this was the first time, I expected her to be…well, off. I didn't expect her to barge in proclaiming her idiocy loud enough for any animal within a five-mile radius to hear and shrink back in fear.
"So?" I prompt, not really sure of what else to say.
"So I still love him," Clary confesses, tears streaming furiously down her cheeks and staining my shirt when she leans her head against my chest. I smooth the back of her head and rest my chin on her head, trying to sooth her. "It was obvious the moment I saw him. Simon, I wish I hadn't seen him like that. He was so…so closed-off and rude to my mom. But when he looked at me, there was that…spark again and I don't even know how I was able to pull off that lie to him."
"Shh," I coo. "You're being kind of loud and Lily might hear you."
Clary pulled away from my chest and narrowed her puffy eyes at me for a second before breaking down into a gut-wrenching sob again. "He just looks so different. He had been working out again, the warden said, and even got his appetite back. But his cheekbones were so sharp, they looked like they were going to pierce through his face."
I picture this and figure that even if they did, he would still look a thousand times more attractive than I would.
"And he hadn't shaved or gotten a hair cut," Clary blanches. "Plus, neon orange makes him look ridiculous."
"Ugh, I like, know!" I mimic a Valley-girl accent, which makes Clary laugh a little.
"But, God, I just miss him so much it hurts," Clary continues, despite my best attempt of humor. "It's like some days I'll wake up thinking I'll see him next to me in bed and waking up to see he isn't, it hurts."
"I'm sorry, Clary," I say, because really, what else is there to say? For the first two years Jace was away, I always kept my phone on in case Clary needed me for whatever reason. It got to the point where I actually had to take to the subway around one in the morning to comfort her to sleep. I had to be there to raise both Clary and her child at the same time. I still am in this predicament and it isn't getting much better.
At least she had gotten over the screaming stage, but not much has changed since then. "Simon, I'm so sorry for keeping you up," she apologized once her sobs subsided. Pulling away from me, she gives me a feeble smile that says she'll at least last through the night.
"It's fine, Clary," I say with a shrug. "I don't have much to do anyway. Being a graphic designer makes me have an open schedule, so…" Standing up, I wince as my knees crack and stretch before giving Clary a parting hug. Kissing her on the top of her head, I open the door and close it behind me before I get to see the look of surprise on her face.
Present Day
POV: Clary
As I go through the normal procedures of preparing both the house and myself for nightfall once again, I can't help but think about the kiss that Simon gave me. Sure, it was a friendly little peck and it wasn't even on my lips, but what did he mean by it? Was he finally taking the initiative now that Jace was–just thinking about his name makes my heart break.
Shoving that thought aside and locking it behind a triple bolt metal door, I busy myself with putting Lily's toys away until my hands stumble upon her favorite of all toys: an adorable stuffed lion named Riley. Yes, it's just a lion with fuzzy mane soiled by a nine-year-old girl's slobber, but it's the only toy Jace bought for her before…
Stop it! I command my mind. I hastily put everything away in the black leather storage ottoman, clean up any excess spills and shower before pulling on one of Jace's button down shirts and a pair of his boxers. Looking into the mirror, I sigh, wishing with my whole heart that one day I'll be able to let him go but knowing I couldn't.
Climbing into bed, I instinctively curl up into a ball on the left side of the bed with my back to the right, close my eyes and try as hard as I can to remember the weight of Jace's arm around my waist, the feel of his chest rising and falling against my back. But with every fleeting day, the memory of him starts to get fuzzy and I have to focus on something else, anything else, to keep myself from slipping into a panic attack.
Which is why I'm more than grateful for having Lily around. Besides the fact that she's my daughter and I love her with every drop of my being, she has a lot of her father's traits that are a constant reminder that he's still alive, somewhere, possibly thinking about me.
With that thought in mind, I succumb to the blackness of the night with a smile on my face.
Cops have always been around our area, no matter what. So seeing a few squad cars here and there became a commodity. Even when a few of them stopped in front of the house for a quick chat since Jace was friends with Chief Officer Lyons.
But on that day, as I watched from the second story bedroom window a few squad cars pull into our driveway, I had a sinking feeling they weren't in a chitchat mood–call it women's intuition, or just pure observational skills turning inference as I watched a few of them pulled out their guns as they neared the front door.
Calling out his name in question, it only took a split second after for the police to barge down our door and start infiltrating our very home. They poured into the house in such a way, it reminded me of how blood spouted out of any injury above the neckline.
"Kitchen: clear," an officer called from downstairs. Throwing on a robe, I rushed down the stairs to see Officer Lyons scouring the living room with another officer. When he noticed me, he waved the other officer away and walked up to me, no sign of the warm friendliness he used to radiate whenever he'd come over to talk to Jace about his wife, Danielle.
"Officer," I pleaded. "What in God's name is going on?"
His lips became a firm seam as his eyes darted over my head and I spun around in time to see four men holding back a furious Jace. When Jace spotted Officer Lyons, his expression became one of disbelief before turning into that of sadness when he noticed me.
"Why did you do it?" Officer Lyons sighed, a pained expression on his face.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Jace snarled, once more fighting against his restrainers. "I'm innocent, I swear. You fucking know that yourself!"
Officer Lyons sighed once more, taking a step closer to Jace. "It seems I don't know anything anymore."
I hadn't spoken to him since that dreaded day, not even to tell him two weeks after his sentencing that I was pregnant. That was a huge shock for me, one that sent a cold shiver down my spine when the reality of the situation hit me: I would become a single parent, taking up all the responsibilities on my own.
Sure, Simon had been kind enough to help every now and then, but there was only so much he could to. He could, in no way, shape or form, fill Jace's shoes, no matter how hard he tried. He would be a baby sitter forever, and when Lily would grow up and realize the lies I'd told her from the start, she'd hate me forever.
No longer able to feign sleep, I sit up groggily in bed and look over at the alarm clock on my nightstand to see it's about seven thirty in the morning. How I managed to get in a full eight hours of sleep escapes me, but I'm glad I didn't wake up in the middle of the night screaming like I used to.
"Mommy, mommy, mommy!" I hear from down the hall makes me jump out of bed in time to see Lily charging down the hallway, dressed from head-to-toe in her karate uniform with her brown belt wrapped around her waist, carrying Riley with her. Her wild soft blond curls bounce up and down with every step, reminding me that I need to comb my own before they go on the fritz again.
"Good morning, baby," I smile, lifting her up to kiss her on the nose. Taking my face in between her hands, Lily pulls back and places a kiss on my nose as well. "What did you dream about last night?"
"Oh, mommy, I wish you were there!" Lily squeals as I bring her into my room and sit her down on the locked trunk at the foot of my bed so I could comb her hair. As I begin to weave my fingers through her hair, comb at hand, she starts to fiddle with Riley's mane.
"Oh really? Did it involve those faeries, vampires, werewolves or angels you were talking about yesterday?" I swear, she has an even more active imagination than I ever thought possible. I mean, really? Vampires, werewolves, faeries and angels? Where was she getting all this stuff from?
"No," she giggles. "It had a really pretty boy in it that looked like a lot like me and he was…"–she looks up at me, her wide eyes beaming–"hugging you!"
I feel my eyes widen in true surprise. "And who is this boy? And why was he hugging your mommy?" My cheeks flush at the last part because as far as I could tell, Lily hasn't ever seen me getting hugged by anyone of the male influence before…unless she's been doing more snooping than I'm aware of.
Lily shrugs but giggles. "I don't know, but it looked right. Like he was supposed to hug you. You were really sad, mommy. You were crying a lot."
I frown, pausing mid-brush and bend down so that I'm eye-level with her. "Are you sure you don't know who this boy is? You've never seen him before?"
When Lily averts her eyes to Riley and begins to kick out her legs, it takes all my self-control to not completely freak out then and there. I take a deep breath with my eyes closed to steady myself and when I open them, Lily is back to looking at me, her head tilting to the side in that curious way of hers.
"Have you been looking at your mommy's things again when she isn't home?" I ask as sweetly as I can muster.
Lily looks down at the ground. "No…" Glancing up to see I'm not mad at her, she sighs. "Simon went into the bathroom for a while and I was bored so I…I went into your room. Why do you keep a bunch of pictures locked in this thing?" When she taps twice on the trunk's top, I realize she's talking about my secret stash, the one place where all things Jace-related are stored.
I try not to swallow audibly as I feel my heart sink lower in my chest. "When you're older, you'll understand that sometimes, even adults have secrets. Some things we can't tell people because we don't know how they're going to handle it when you know it's too hard to talk about. Some people do things like keeping things away to protect others, like how I'm protecting you."
Furrowing her brow, Lily asks, "What are you protecting me from?"
"The past."