Christian found himself gazing into green again, found himself fighting not to move away from the warm welcoming body at his side. He was running out of barriers. And, while he was also running out of reasons to keep them up, he knew Olli didn't understand, couldn't know, and the inevitability of it drained him. His mother, Coco, his father, hell even Gregor – everyone- everyone he'd cared about or loved, anyone who defined, or defended him, or loved him - had left him at some point, and precisely when he'd needed or wanted them most.
He'd driven Coco to Goa, his father died while he was in jail, His mother had killed herself, and he still carried a hard kernel of hurt from when Gregor had abandoned them soon afterward. Christian couldn't help but think of himself as a black widow when it came to love, leaving behind death, suicide, abandonment and resentment. It colored every relationship in his life, without fail. That it had not occurred yet in his relationship with Olli, was a minor miracle. But it was coming, if Axel's attack had achieved anything it reinforced what Christian knew in that organic inchoate way of knowing, that his happiness and love for Oliver was a doomed thing. At any second, it would ripped away and he'd be plunged into an abyss of hurt so dark and deep, he doubted ever being found again. The worst part was he could feel the cold grip of his fate trying to clutch at him after every single caress, and every "I love you" Olli uttered. This bone deep anxiety constrained him, forced to him to be artificial with everyone that mattered, forced, inauthentic. An embarrassed chuckle when his brother would tell him he loved him, and a pathetic ich dich auch when Olli would; it made him a liar and kept him from being with his lover in every true sense of the word.
" Look, I'm sorry about that, just now." He said, leaning on Olli's shoulder. "You don't run away when things are hard, that was unfair of me, especially when I was the one who wanted to travel to India to get away from you. And it was especially unfair after all you've done for me since I started boxing. Thank you, I mean it." Christian leaned in and gave Olli the sweetest, most chaste kiss, infusing it with all the gratitude he felt, a palliative balm for his outburst earlier.
"Bitte, Christian. You know I'll always be here for you. But, you haven't answered my question."
Christian flushed at the earnestness in Olli's voice, and the decisive cast of his eyes, disarmed by the strength he saw there he bowed his head.
"You're a pretty stubborn guy, huh Olli?"
"I've found out it pays off more often than not, especially lately." Olli responded, his voice still hushed and serious.
"Yes, well I've seen that first hand." Christian smiled softly to himself.
He was speaking now to Olli's hand, still clasped so tightly in his. He loved Olli's hands, strong, unmistakably male and sure, always so sure, whether they cradled his face or flew over his skin to draw out every contented sigh and murmur that dared to hide itself in Christian. To this man, no he could not confess, this man who refused to accept anything less than the absolute truth, but those hands could serve as confessional, and maybe carry the burden of the implications of his love.
He reached over and turned off the light, and pulled Olli down to lie with him, resting his head on the taut abdominals and drowning his fingertips in the sensation of skin.
"I'm afraid, Olli, of a lot of things. I'm afraid we won't work out, I'm afraid you'll leave me, I'm afraid I'm too boring for you, I'm afraid of-"
He choked back a sob, as he remembered Olli trembling and broken on the floor of the bar downstairs, the unparalleled anguish of those seconds when his heart forgot its purpose.
"Hey, hey calm down Christian, just tell it to me one thing at a time." Those hands came up around him again, grounding him soothing him.
"Olli, I'm bad for you. Don't you understand? You're so amazing, you deserve someone better, someone who won't hurt you, someone who can protect you. All I've done, from the moment we met, is either hurt your feelings or get you hurt. I love you, but one day you'll get sick of it."
He clutched Olli tighter to him.
"One day, you'll get sick of me."
Christian closed his eyes. Olli was smart, and now that he saw it too, he would get away, and as much as he didn't want to, Christian would let him. Because he meant it, Olli deserved better, and he wouldn't be the one to stand in the way of that. His body tensed at the silence, and when he felt Olli's abdomen fluttering beneath him followed by the quiet laughter, he looked up sharply in confusion. Christian suddenly found himself on his back as Olli quickly slithered out from underneath him and flipped him over where he was defenseless, trapped by a magnetic green stare, and the lithe body on top of his.
"Sick of you? My God Christian, I can't get enough of you. It's been six months, by all rights the honeymoon should be over. I've seen the real you too, you know. Judgmental, uptight, serious, A 24 year old body and a 60 year old mind. And yes, you hurt me in the past, but that's love Christian, sometimes it hurts. But something else I know, is that you love me, more than anyone ever has. It's enough, Christian, more than enough, and its so worth it. I love you."
Olli followed his declaration with a fervent kiss, and Christian felt his resolve slipping at the first liquid slide of Olli's tongue in his mouth. He pushed up at Olli before he could make his way down to his neck. Christian couldn't afford to be distracted now. And whiled he had heard the conviction in Olli's voice, and felt it in the intensity of his grip, he was still wary.
"But Olli, just because you're happy now, I mean, what if something else like with Axel-"
"Look, for the last time. It wasn't your fault. It's not your job to be a knight in shining armor, I'm not a damsel in distress and you're not a prince. You're my boyfriend, and coincidentally the love of my life. Don't think about the what ifs anymore Christian. Just think about now, and just keep loving me. I promise, things will fall into place."
"But you can't know that Olli."
"Neither can you, so what do you think is the best way to deal with uncertainty? Start a fight with the man who loves you more than anything? We both know that won't get you anywhere. It's a risk for me too Christian, but I trust you. As long as you do the same, I won't let you down." Christian sighed. He could never refuse, Olli wasn't asking for much, nothing more than Christian was willing to give, nothing less than Olli deserved.
"I can do that, Olli, I can do that." He said, pulling Olli down to him once more to capture him in another kiss. "And my mind is not 60. It's closer to 55"
"Well, Christian, to be honest, at the moment, I'm just a little more interested in your body"
"Nympho."
Olli didn't respond, his lips were securely fastened to Christian's neck, and Christian could feel the response building in him.
"Christian," Olli whispered "we're done talking for now."