Peer Editing
By Kitty Pryde
I really like your ideas! They are really interesting, but I think you need to restructure them so they fit together better. You talk about the common desires of all people a little bit in each paragraph and I think if you pulled them all into one paragraph you could make that point stronger.
I don't think you're supposed to use "I" and "you" in a paper.
Maybe I missed it, but I don't think you have a thesis.
Conclusion?
Really good!