I'm incredibly grateful for all the wonderful support this story has received. Thank you! Please take a moment to check out the gorgeous banner that the very talented Ms. Ambrosia made for me - link on my profile.
This chapter follows on directly after Ch2. You might need your tissues.
Musical inspiration/playlist for this chapter: Melissa Etheridge - Don't You Need.
Fortress in the Storm
I fled.
It was all I could do.
A blur of white lines on the dark bitumen. Dark shadows against the fiery glow of the setting sun. My mind carefully empty.
The normally short drive back to Forks felt like an eternity.
I pulled up in front of the house with an overwhelming sense of dread. The mask I had been wearing for the past few hours was beginning to crack, fissures spreading across my calm facade. I'd forced myself to hold everything together long enough to get me home, but now I was here, I wasn't sure I could stop myself from falling to pieces.
How was I going to explain this, when I couldn't even understand it myself?
I would have to say it out loud.
My fingers flexed instinctively, the metal and plastic of the steering wheel twisting under the force of my grip.
I couldn't do this.
For a moment, I thought about turning the car around and driving away again. With no destination in mind, I could drive for days, weeks even. Hide away on empty highways. Be a coward and just run away from...everything.
My eyes flicked to the too-empty seat beside me.
The intimate confines of the car began to close in on me, and the longer I sat and agonized over what to do, the harder it was to keep everything together. The tightness in my chest began to bear down on me, and I knew it was only a matter of time before the pain began to leak out. I could almost feel the space inside the car disappearing as every second of indecision passed, and eventually I couldn't stand the suffocating sense of anticipation any longer.
I jumped out of the car, panting heavily, hoping I had the strength to face my family. There was no luggage, no belongings to bring inside with me - it was all just 'stuff' and none if it mattered. I'd left it all behind.
I could smell and hear my family inside, waiting for me in the living room. Their thoughts hung heavy in the air; worry, confusion, maternal concern, overtones of Jasper trying to keep the atmosphere neutral and calm while they waited for me.
And then, inexplicably, a stray thought that stopped me in my tracks.
Pity.
Alice.
I growled. Low and deep and broken.
She knew.
All this time, and she'd known all along it would end like this!
I had her pinned up against the wall before they even realized I had flown into the room.
"Did you fucking know?" I snarled at her, pushing my hands into her narrow shoulders as I towered over her.
"You know... I can't..." she started to whisper. Her golden eyes were wide with fear, but she couldn't look me in the eye, staring at the ground instead.
"Did you know?" I yelled. She winced as my hand moved to cup her jaw, pulling it up so she had to face me.
Quickly, she pushed her thoughts to me. In erratic and frightened flashes, I saw that she was telling the truth - my future had returned to her sight only as I had driven back to Forks. Alone.
I saw myself at the wheel; face etched with something bleak and nameless. Alice falling to the floor, gasping as she told Carlisle that something was wrong, that I was coming home. All she knew was that something bad had happened.
Then more.
Me. Curled in a ball in a dark corner. Eyes the color of coal and despair. My room destroyed - my bed a pile of splinters, shredded bed linens on the floor.
More of my future. Empty, dark flashes of a life that I would be facing. Alone.
I clenched my eyes shut. "Make it stop!" I hissed.
"Take your hands off my wife. Now." Jasper's southern accent cut through the haze of Alice's visions, and I turned my head to him. His words were slow and measured, but I could hear the menace in his voice.
His eyes glinted with murderous rage, his body almost vibrating as he glared threateningly at me.
"Now, Edward!"
I could feel the anger rolling off him, and it only served to fuel my own rage as I turned on him, releasing Alice so abruptly she stumbled against the wall.
Jasper's eyes flicked to Alice as she backed away from me, then he returned his steely gaze to me, a low growl rising in his throat as he flexed his fingers. His thoughts were hazy with rage, but his intent was clear.
Memories of his time as a soldier in the vampire wars flashed through his mind. Gruesome memories; the reek of death, sharp teeth slicing through flesh, purple smoke from death pyres spiraling into the sky. Dark, desperate thoughts flooded my mind, and I considered goading him further, pushing him beyond the limits of his already paper-thin restraint, making the soldier in him finish me.
If there was one capable, one already well-versed in ending a vampire's existence, it was my brother.
Jasper cocked his eyebrow at me, sensing my new-found resolve.
That's not what you want, Edward.
How dare he! My life was as good as over and he had the nerve to call me on it? He had no idea what this felt like! He had no right to tell me what I did, and didn't, want. I didn't care what he thought; I would make him do it. I would know from his thoughts exactly how, and when, to push him over the edge, I'd use my gift to challenge, manipulate, to win.
The anger and desperation boiled in my gut like acid and I crouched, ready to attack.
Vaguely, I was aware of Esme's frightened pleas for us to stop. Carlisle, always the voice of reason, trying to convince me that violence was not the answer.
What did he know? He didn't know what this felt like, either. None of them did.
The thoughts of my family swirled around me, a deafening roar that I took no heed of as I welcomed the anger that blazed through my body. An overwhelming urge to break something grew inside me. I wanted to make someone, something, anything pay for what had happened. I wanted to smash, obliterate, lose myself in the anger. I eyed up Jasper's pretty-boy face as my first target.
I was so intent on watching him that I didn't realize Emmett was behind me until it was too late. A split-second later, he had me in a headlock, his other arm holding me tight against his body. Then he ran, propelling us straight through the living room window.
Chunks of glass fell through the air like rain as we tumbled to the ground, rolling together on the damp grass.
I grunted as we came to a stop against the trunk of a large fir tree, glass crunching underneath us as Emmett's weight landed on my chest. He used his advantage to push a knee into my chest, glaring at me angrily.
"You want to hurt someone? You hurt me!"
Then he pulled his fist back and struck me in the face.
White-hot rage exploded inside me and I leapt to my feet, pushing him off me. I snarled, feeling the bones in my face knitting themselves back together, and stalked towards him like a lion intent on his prey.
He took everything I threw at him. Every brawling swing of my fists, every push and shove and kick, every ounce of desperation. We chased each other through the forest for hours, boulders shattering under us, trees crashing to the ground in our wake, creatures woken from slumber fleeing from our battlefield.
I hated and raged and despaired, and he always came back for more. Eventually, dawn began to break on the horizon, and I felt the anger dissipate to a smoldering, but manageable, ache.
It still hurt, but for the first time since leaving Seattle, I felt a little relief, and a little control return.
"Thank you," I said softly.
Emmett clapped his hand on my shoulder. "No problem, bro." I wish there was more I could give you.
We walked back to the house in silence.
Telling my family that I had lost my mate was exhausting. Excruciating.
Lost wasn't even the right word.
Taken.
Stolen.
Pity and sympathy hung thick in the air, and I could feel Jasper beside me, trying to ease my pain. Generous of him, considering a few hours earlier I had all but attacked him. He had eyed me warily when Emmett and I returned, but soon fell to my side, wrapping me in an emotional cocoon of safety and calm. As I talked, each word heavy with grief, I could feel him absorbing, manipulating, redirecting; trying to give me what little relief he could offer.
I said my piece and retreated outside again. They meant well, but I couldn't bear the anxious glances and the worried thoughts they couldn't keep from me. They couldn't fix this, and their sadness only made me feel worse.
My Volvo sat in the driveway where I had left it, and I climbed inside. I ran my fingers along the indents in the leather seat beside me, an impression left by Seth just hours ago. Only hours and yet it felt like a lifetime.
I hadn't dared take a breath during the drive home, but now I indulged myself, sucking in deep breaths of the Seth-infused air inside the car. Desperately, I inhaled lungfuls of his hot spicy scent, swallowing what little of him I could pull from the air as tearless sobs wracked my body.
But it wasn't enough. It would never be enough.
I took to spending time in the garage, in my car - the last place we had been happy together.
Seth's scent was slowly fading, and I knew eventually his essence would be gone, and I would be left with nothing.
The numbness was like a blanket, and I pulled it tight around me, not letting the futile 'what if's' creep under the edges, or the thoughts of my family penetrate the apathy which I had wrapped myself in.
Rose was the only one who spent any time in the garage, and for once I was grateful that her thoughts were always preoccupied with herself - she didn't pay my wallowing any heed.
I wasn't ready to go upstairs and pretend like I was coping. The effort to behave like my life was still worth living was too much to even consider. I wasn't even ready to think about it, yet.
In my car, I could just hide.
And breathe him in.
A sharp knock on the car window startled me. I was finding my senses were dulled to the point where I could barely claim to have superior vampire reactions. Everything was slower, foggier, emptier. The numbness extended to everything.
Resentfully, I opened the door a fraction.
"What?" I snarled.
Rose sneered back at me. "If you think you can pull yourself together for a moment, you have a visitor."
I remembered now why I normally tried to avoid her company. Seth had always maintained she was a bitch, and while I'd always tried to be diplomatic and defend her icy demeanor, I was beginning to think I had been too generous.
"Would you like to add an 'I told you so' in there as well, Rosalie?" I seethed back at her as I climbed out of the car."Admit it! You never wanted us to be together in the first place. You must be loving it now it's all gone to ruin, just like you hoped it would."
"Edward, that's not..."
"Give me some credit, would you? I know you hated him."
"That's not true," she whispered. She actually looked taken aback by my outburst, and for a short moment I wondered if she was, in fact, being genuine.
The anger had seemed to flare from nowhere, and I no longer had the ability to discern whether it was misdirected or not. It was as if my emotions were no longer my own.
"I don't want to see anyone!" I said angrily, remembering that she'd originally been trying to tell me someone was here to see me. I couldn't imagine who in the world my visitor could be. Even the thought of Tanya coming here with her hugs and quiet disappointment, sadness in her golden eyes, was unwelcome. I just wanted to be left alone.
I think maybe you should. Rose's thoughts were unusually tender.
In her mind flashed an image of a wolf.
Faster than I had ever run before, I sped to the door - my heart cracking in two, my mind seeing only his face.
She must have seen my crushing disappointment, because her first words were an apology. "I'm sorry. I'm here on my own."
"What do you want?" I asked defensively. Vaguely, it registered that I was being rude; forgoing the small talk and greetings while I made her stand on the doorstep to talk to me.
She fidgeted and stared at the ground. She was clearly uncomfortable, and I could see in her thoughts her unease at being face to face with me, an underlying thread of fear under the brave exterior she was working hard to maintain.
"Can we go for a walk?" she asked.
Selfishly, I wanted to say no, but I could tell how much courage it had taken for her to venture up to a house full of vampires.
She looked so much like him that it hurt. The same glossy black hair, the same russet tan. Even the smell of her; not exactly alike, but enough familiarity that it had made me reel when I had opened the door. There was no way I wanted her inside the house, her almost - but not close enough - presence would linger, and only serve as another reminder of what I had lost.
I sighed, and walked past her down the steps.
Leah followed silently after me, and I resisted the urge to eavesdrop further and identify the intent of her visit. After a few minutes, when we were well out of earshot of the house, she fell into step beside me.
"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now."
I snorted, but didn't say anything else. Why did everyone presume to know how I felt? No-one understood what this was like. Frankly, I was already at the end of my patience for this endless rhetoric about what I should or shouldn't be feeling.
"I wanted you to know...well...it's just..." She shook her head and paused. I didn't say anything, but stopped walking and turned to her, waiting for her to continue.
"...fucking imprinting..." she muttered under her breath.
Something pained in her tone caught me off-guard, and instantly memories of a long ago conversation with Seth flooded my mind.
"...sometimes this thing, imprinting, happens...you don't have any control over it, it just happens to you... It's supposed to be rare, but it happened to Sam...He imprinted on Emily, even though he was shacked up with my sister at the time..."
Suddenly, her visit made sense. There was someone who knew what it felt like to have your loved one torn away from you. Someone who knew the heartbreakingly raw pain of watching from the sidelines as they fell instantly and irrevocably in love with someone else. Someone who knew what it felt like to have to live with the fact there was nothing you could do about it.
"Does it ever stop hurting?" I asked her.
She glanced at me, relief washing over her features as she realized I knew she was in the same position, that she wouldn't have to relive her own pain to explain it to me.
She paused, considering my question. In her thoughts she appraised my disheveled appearance; my wrinkled clothes, bronzed hair standing in all directions where my fingers had pulled through it, the purple shadows under my too-dark amber eyes. She took a moment to search my face; for what, I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
"Yeah," she said softly,"it gets easier...eventually."
I knew she was lying, but I nodded.
"He loved you. So much," she said as she reached her hand towards me. She meant it as a gesture of comfort, but I flinched back from the heat of her palm.
"Don't..." My voice sounded strangled.
Don't use the past tense.
She gave me an apologetic smile, but pulled back her hand. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry. For all three of you."
The sun and moon continued to chase each other across the sky. The passing of time was nothing if not infinitely reliable.
I barely noticed.
Just as the scent of Seth faded from my car, the numbness soon wore off and eventually gave way to an increasingly dark abyss of misery. After I asked Alice to remove the bed, I locked myself in my room and let the emptiness devour me.
Occasionally, I pulled the little wolf that Seth had carved for me from the pocket of my jeans. I had carried it with me every day since he had given it to me on our ridge. It tumbled through my fingers, the surface of the wood now smooth from my continual caresses. I clutched it to my chest, wanting to connect with him, almost worshiping the tiny figure that he had created. Tracing over the wood where his fingers had once been.
Other days, I squeezed it between my fingertips until I could hear the fibers creaking, wanting to pulverize it and watch the dust fall to the ground. Disintegrate it, just as my love had been destroyed.
For the most part, I simply sat and stared out my window, eyes fixed on a distance horizon but not really seeing anything other than his face. Memories were all I had left now, and they consumed my every thought. I spent hours replaying every moment we had spent together. I remembered the first moment I laid eyes on him - recalling how it had felt to fall in love with him in that very instant, the tentative friendship that had grown from hatred, the soft blooming of his love for me; and later, the raging need for each other, the all encompassing love that left us blind to anything else.
But now all of it was gone.
In my darkest moments, I tortured myself with memories of that day. In self-flagellating frame by frame replay, I relived every second of the agony of watching him imprint. Seeing him turn into someone I didn't recognize right before my eyes. Hearing the thoughts in his head filled with love and adoration for someone else. Knowing that the bond I could see in his mind was permanent, unbreakable. Forever.
The pain ripped through me again and again as the memories unfolded; my heart broken, my dreams shattered, my love...gone. I had no tears to shed, but inside I wept as I imagined him going about his new life with her. Images of him smiling, laughing, loving filled my head in a constant stream of barbed images that left gaping holes where my heart should have been.
The imprint would ensure he would always be happy, and yet I was left all alone to suffer, destined to spend the rest of eternity mourning the loss of my mate.
I'm so lost without him.
I prayed. I pleaded and begged. I promised all manner of impossible things if God would only grant me my one desire: Seth.
But God does not care for our kind. And I had no soul to sell. There was nowhere to turn.
I only hunted when the burning in my throat became too much to bear. Once, I had enjoyed the thrill of the chase and succumbing to the more visceral side of my nature. Now I fed only to sustain myself. There was no satisfaction anymore. One day, I went out to feed only to find the forest covered in snow. Months had passed by in the blink of an eye.
My family continued to treat me like I was made of glass; alternatively they worried that I would explode in anger, or lose myself to a grief induced madness. They tiptoed around me, and when they thought I wasn't listening, they talked about me in hushed tones, anxious and concerned. I avoided them as much as possible, too exhausted, too distracted by the intenseness of my grief to participate in any of their routines.
I was incapable of rousing myself beyond anything other than simply existing.
At Carlisle's insistence, I sat at the dining room table with my family.
People at the hospital were beginning to notice Carlisle's unwaveringly youthful appearance. This was our usual signal that we needed to think about moving on. We always tried to ensure our documents would give us as many years as possible, but eventually the age on paper would betray us, and we would have to leave before questions were raised.
Around me, my siblings and pseudo-parents discussed various options for relocation, putting together a list of other places with vampire-suitable weather. I paid little attention, my mind unable to stay on task, my body frozen in my seat only because Jasper was numbing me into submission.
The word "London" broke through my haze of disinterest.
I listened for the first time since the meeting began. Carlisle was talking about going back to his roots in England. Apparently, he and Esme had discussed it at length and, with the promise of her own car restoration business, Rose was also in agreement. Of course, Emmett would go wherever she wanted.
I quickly searched Alice's head, and immediately I was granted with visions of the family living somewhere semi-rural on the outskirts of London. Carlisle working in a small English hospital, Esme redecorating yet another home, everyone content to be living in the old country. Jasper and Alice had their own plans to travel and would meet up with the family in a few years.
"No!" I sobbed.
Everyone in the room turned their eyes to me. I hadn't spoken since joining them, and their faces were shocked as they looked at me expectantly.
"I can't leave him."
England was on the other side of the world. There was no way I could be that far away from Seth.
I could hear the disbelief in their thoughts, the worry that I had finally lost my grip on reality. As far as they were concerned, Seth and I were over, and they were unanimous in their convictions that I should start my life over somewhere new. A move to England was just what I needed, apparently.
They were wrong. I couldn't explain it. All I knew was there was no way I was going to England. I loved my family, but I couldn't go with them. Not this time.
Alice placed her hand in my mine, and my head filled with her visions.
"Isle Esme?" I muttered under my breath.
She nodded. Images of me living alone on the island that Carlisle had bought for Esme many years ago flashed through my mind. I looked...at peace.
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I needed to get away from this house, this town, this life, where everything reminded me of him. I needed some space to figure out a way to cope without him. Isle Esme had a food source, but no other people - human or vampire - lived there. On Isle Esme I could simply be.
Alone.
The silence and solitude that the uninhabited island offered were suddenly overwhelmingly appealing.
"Esme, would you be willing to offer me the use of Isle Esme? I'd like to go there for some time."
She smiled softly, and nodded. I could see in her thoughts her sadness that I wouldn't be joining them in England, but there was also an undercurrent of relief. In her mind, the dark cloud that had loomed over the family since my return lifted, and for the first time I realized how my sorrow must have affected everyone else in the house. Selfishly, I had assumed that I had been the only one suffering.
Instantly, my resolve fell into place - leaving them was the best decision for all of us.
During the next few weeks, Carlisle and Esme made plans to relocate to England. Tendering resignations, locating property, obtaining new documents - a frenzied discussion of what names they would go by, and what fake familial ties they would fabricate this time. There were a multitude of loose ends to tie up.
The house was abuzz with activity, and I let myself be swept up in it. Although my natural instinct was to ignore everything and continue to wallow in my grief, I forced myself to keep busy getting everything organised for my own departure.
There was a new energy in the house. For the first time we weren't leaving an area with regret or futile wishes that we could stay longer. There was a sense of purpose this time; all of us needed to escape the sadness and heartbreak that would always linger here.
Carlisle arranged for the contents of the library to be boxed and sent ahead to the island. I said I didn't want it, but he said he was hopeful that I would one day have the need for them. In a weak moment, I relented.
Alice never mentioned my anger on the day of my return, but I had moments when I was overcome with guilt at the way I had treated her - it seemed only right that she help me pack up my room.
"I'm sorry you won't come with us, but I'm glad you'll be...better...on the island," she said as she rifled through my wardrobe, pulling out a handful of shirts. She had piles of my clothing all over the floor, in a system only she understood. I had acquiesced to let her help, but in typical Alice fashion, I soon found myself relegated to the role of by-stander.
I didn't say anything in response. My self-imposed exile seemed both ridiculously dramatic, and impossibly perfect. As I had slowly risen from my grief-laden fog, bolstered up on the hope that Alice's visions were in fact a glimpse at a future where I would find a way to cope without Seth, I realized how much the loss of him had affected everyone.
Emmett had lost a good friend, Esme another son. Even Rose - though I had accused her of hating him - missed the verbal sparring that both she and Seth had secretly enjoyed. Alice and Jasper suffered because I did.
And Carlisle; our de-facto leader, my father, my friend. In his mind, he had failed to protect me, failed both of us when he couldn't fix me. My heartbreak was particularly hard for him to bear, and I tried to block his thoughts as much as I could so I wouldn't see my own agony reflected back at me.
I felt guilty I had made them all suffer. In their thoughts I saw the shadow I had become. A catatonic fetal ball of misery - a black vortex located on the second floor obliterating every whiff of happiness or contentment from the entire house.
Leaving them to their happy, mated pairs was the only solution, and I could only hope that my choice to live apart from them would be penance enough.
On Isle Esme I wouldn't be a burden, anymore.
Alice was talking again, and I pulled myself from my thoughts.
"...I was going to give you this earlier, but I wanted to wait until I was sure you would...be able to use it to the best of your ability."
She was going to give me a gift? I wasn't sure what I had missed, but she was in front of me, suddenly. She held out her hands, and I cautiously I slipped my palms against hers.
I love you, Edward. I want you to hold onto to this in your darkest moments.
Then she flooded her head, and mine, with visions.
Images I had already seen of myself on Isle Esme. Alone, but finding a path through the despair. A sense of peace in the solitude.
Could I really learn to live without him?
Then, images I hadn't seen before. Me back in Forks. I come back? A sense of...what was that? Anticipation? Sadness? Everything was blurry. I knew how Alice's visions worked - the further she had to look into the future, the hazier things appeared. Five minutes ahead they were crystal clear; five years ahead and it was like looking through a clouded, cracked looking glass, where the pictures were warped and distorted.
I watched my future-self...waiting.
Then nothing.
Nothing.
My future disappeared right before my eyes.
Just like it had, one time before.
I dropped to my knees, breaking the contact with her, though I didn't need it to see her thoughts replaying that grey blur where I should have been.
She crouched beside me, hugging me to her chest. "I don't know what it means, Edward. It's still a long way off, my best guess is eight years, maybe more."
I nodded, unable to form any words.
Please, please, please...
"It could still change, you know that. And it might not be him. But I want you to hope, Edward."
Hope.
An ember glowed warm in my chest after Alice shared her vision with me. It was hungry, and wanted to ignite into a fully-fledged blaze, but I remained cautious.
I wanted, more than anything, to believe that there was a chance that I would one day be reunited with Seth, but it still seemed such an impossible dream. My mind kept returning to the grey blur I saw in her mind, so reminiscent of that very first day I saw him, when I had met a worried Alice in the woods. That day we had both been confused and wary. This time, the vision of my disappearance from her sight was the most precious, revered gift she could ever give me.
After packing up my room, I stopped by Carlisle's office. He was busy sorting his study, boxing up his medical journals and removing the art works from the walls.
I knocked on the door tentatively, entering as he smiled widely at me. His genuine relief at seeing me made something in my chest pang, and for a moment I wished that I could go with them to England. I would miss them all, but Carlisle especially.
"Carlisle, do you have a moment?"
"Of course." He put down the pile of books in his arm, and gestured for me to take a seat.
"I was wondering, if it isn't already too late, would you mind not selling the house? At least, not right away?"
He looked at me questioningly, but in his mind I could see he was so eager to do anything to make me happy, that it would be beyond him to refuse me.
"Alice saw...I'm not sure exactly," I said, deciding that I would keep nothing from him. "There's a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless, that I might return to Forks one day."
"I see," Carlisle said slowly.
Does this mean what I think it means?
"I'm not sure, to be honest. I want to hope it does." I wanted to hope so badly it hurt.
Carlisle gave me a warm smile. "Me, too."
He walked around the desk, and I stood as he reached me. His embrace was something I would have fought against just a few days earlier, but I found myself returning the gesture. His arms wrapped around me, and I breathed in his quiet, calm comfort. His happiness at my revelation, his own hope that I would one day heal and be reunited with my love, radiated off him, and I couldn't help but be lifted by the strength of his concern for me.
We'll miss you.
I nodded against his shoulder. I would miss them, too, but I knew the only way to do this was to go on my own. If there was a chance to be with Seth again, I had to go to the island, become the Edward that Alice had seen - in control, at peace. The broken mess I was at the moment couldn't stay here and simply wait. I knew I'd go insane long before Alice's visions came to fruition.
He pulled away. "The house is yours, for as long as you need it."
"I was going to ask Tanya if she would come in a few years and live here, until..." I said quietly.
Instantly, his mind, sharp and perceptive, knew exactly why I would ask my best friend to come to Forks and live in our house. Why I would need another vampire to live in the area.
He nodded. "That sounds like a fine idea."
The next day I left for Isle Esme.
Being exposed to the sun took some time to get accustomed to, the harsh bright light and dull warmth on my skin was so unfamiliar after living under Fork's perpetual cloud cover. It felt quite unsettling to be able to wander about at will, with no fear of exposure - but there was no one to see me. After the initial novelty of not having to hide myself away in the shadows wore off, the light refracting off my skin only served as yet another reminder that I was all alone.
Naively, I had expected to arrive on the island and have some sort of epiphany, some divine revelation that would make me whole again. I had convinced myself that coming to the island was going to save me, lift me from the depths of despair and lead me to the path back to Seth.
It wasn't like that at all.
The island was excruciatingly silent, and even though I had spent the better part of the past two years ignoring them, I missed my family and the quiet background hum of their daily activities. It wasn't until I was totally and utterly alone, that I realized how much my family had supported me in my grief, simply by being there.
Without their ever-watching eyes, I forgot to clean myself; I would suddenly realise that I had been wearing the same clothes for weeks on end, or that the small house I occupied was filthy.
Without their ever-present care, I forgot to feed and would find myself weak and useless, the thirst in my throat burning me from the inside out until I began to claw away at the skin on my neck.
I had fooled myself into thinking that I had stoically fought off Jasper's influence from behind my bedroom door - but now that he wasn't here, I found myself drowning under the weight of my loss. Without his subtle maneuvering of my emotions, the daily sift and shift of my darkest feelings, the pain was sharp and raw and endless.
If I had a been a catatonic mess when I'd been in Forks, on the island I was as close to death as a vampire could possibly come.
I took to sitting on the beach for days, perhaps even weeks, at a time. The continuous lapping of the waves on the shore lulled me into oblivion, and I would sit and fester in the emptiness that filled every space and molecule inside me.
This day was no different from any of the other countless days I had spent in the exact same spot. Staring with unseeing eyes across the ocean, lost in the dark.
Until he emerged from the water.
"Seth?" My voice was incredulous...ecstatic.
He smiled, his eyes lighting up when he saw me. Water dripped from his body, tiny beads of salty water running over the smooth tanned planes of his chest, and his hair was wet and as black as ink. He was more beautiful than I remembered.
I wanted to rub my eyes, but couldn't bear the thought of losing sight of him for even one second.
"How did you...?"
"Well, I didn't fucking swim all the way, if that's what you're asking. I left the boat just around the cove," he said as he flopped onto the sand beside me. Sand flicked up against my leg. "I wanted to surprise you."
"Oh." I couldn't form words, or thoughts. I couldn't move, breathe, do anything.
He was here.
With me.
I had begged, and pleaded, been to the depths of hell and back, and here he was. My prayers had been answered - Seth was here. With me. And it felt like heaven.
Suddenly, it occurred to me that perhaps I really was in heaven. Had I died? Miraculously found my way to the after-life? A place in God's kingdom with Seth at my side, forever.
I sighed. I didn't care what the explanation was, why or how, or whatever else. The only thing that mattered was that he was here.
"So...was it a good surprise?" he muttered, running his fingers along the sand, uncertain and worried.
I was a fool. The love of my life, my one true love, my mate, my forever was here, and all I had managed was a couple of inane questions.
"I've missed you, so much," I whispered, my voice cracked and broken.
He turned to me with tears in his eyes, his body tense as his need rolled off him. "Kiss me."
It sounded like a question, and I couldn't understand how he could think he needed to ask. Did he not know that was all I ever wanted to do? For the rest of my existence.
The heat of him embraced me as I leaned over. Slowly, I closed the gap between us, wanting to savor every sweet second of this longed-for reunion.
But there was nothing beside me but pale, golden sand.
The encounter on the beach rocked me to my core.
It made the ache in my chest burst wide open, and I relived the agony of losing him, all over again.
But it was the wake up call I so desperately needed.
I never let myself go unfed for that long again. I set alarms and reminders, I wrote lists, I made myself create systems and order out of the chaos that had been my existence. Madness was a monster that lurked in the distance, waiting for me to slip up again, watching for any sign that I might slink back in the dark.
I forced myself to find the light. However small, however pitiful.
I wanted to see Seth again, so much it hurt to even think it. Every fiber of my being screamed for it. But not like that. I would never go there again. I wanted the real him. The hot spice of his breath on my face, the feel of his smooth muscled chest under my fingertips, the sound of his heart beating my name. Not some insanity-induced apparition.
The vision that Alice had gifted me became my obsession. The hope, however tenuous it might be, became the life preserver that I clung to as I pulled myself from the depths. I spent hours of every day replaying everything she had foreseen, and gradually, so painstakingly slowly, I found the path back to life...and back to Seth.
The calm that Alice had predicted eventually became my new way of life. I found peace amongst Carlisle's books, I sought sustenance when it was required. I wasn't happy - I would never be happy without Seth at my side - but I learned to cope.
And that was all I could ask of myself.
Every few months, I arranged for a boat to bring me supplies from the mainland - mainly clothes, new books, some food to keep up appearances. I had a post office box that I arranged to be emptied, and every shipment contained letters from my family.
Alice and Jasper sent their love from around the world via colorful postcards that I tacked to the wall in the living area of the house. 6x4 multi-colored snapshots from every country imaginable, words of encouragement and love scrawled on the back. Carlisle and Esme wrote long-winded letters detailing everything about their lives in England - Esme's plans for their new house, Carlisle's work at the hospital, the English wildlife populations they now helped keep under control. Emmett, never one for verbosity, sent random photographs of cars Rose was working on, views from the forest near where they lived, his collection of video games. Once, there was simply a photo of him and Rose smiling at each other.
In a world that was consumed by instant communication via handheld computers, my island was without electricity or cellphone tower, and I found myself enjoying the slow anticipation that the regular written contact provided. I didn't have many memories of my life before Carlisle found me, but I liked to think of the letters as a nostalgic reminder of my once human existence.
Once the sun had begun to set on the horizon, I wandered down to the small jetty that was located in the next bay. As per the very well paid arrangement, the box was waiting for me, the boat and its driver having already left.
I carried it back home, setting it down in the living room before slicing through the cardboard with my fingernail. Inside was the usual eclectic selection of old classics and newly released books. Carlisle had set everything up for me, and he always included books in different languages as well as medical and scientific journals and textbooks - I knew he was trying to keep my mind active.
Attached to the side of the box was a package containing the contents of my post box. I flipped through the envelopes, my eye catching on a script I hadn't seen in many years.
Tanya.
With an odd bubbling of excitement and fear, I ripped open her letter and scanned it quickly.
Seth had gone home.
I hardly dared to believe it, but I couldn't help the hope that exploded inside me as I realized Alice's visions were now one step closer to becoming my future. My truth.
When I'd asked Tanya to live in our house, I'd made a hesitant guess Seth would return back to the Olympic Peninsula once he had completed his degree at Seattle. I knew how important it was to him to get his qualifications, but I'd never really been able to imagine him working in a big city law firm. As much as he would have hated for me to say it, I had always thought he was better suited to a small town - specifically somewhere he wouldn't have to hide his true nature. Somewhere he would be safe to be a wolf. Seth returning back to La Push made perfect sense to me, and I thanked every deity I could think of that my guess had been right.
Tanya had not long arrived in Forks before Seth had come back, and in her letter she told me that she had actually had a chance to meet him. I tried to tame the jealousy, but I couldn't help the stabbing pain in my gut when I read her description of him - he sounded just the same: perfect.
My eyes lingered over her words and I imagined him in my mind; vivid memories that pulled at my heart.
I missed him so much.
Part of me - the hurting, broken shadow inside me - raged, desperate to rush back to Forks. I ached for him. I longed to see him just one more time, share one more touch. He seemed so close, so tantalizingly within reach, and yet he was still so far away. Impossible.
The saner part of my mind, the part that I had spent so much time and energy fostering back from the darkness, simply sighed. I knew I was still in no fit state to go back. It had been the worst kind of torture to lose him, to mourn his loss, to feel like a part of me was missing every second of every waking moment. But I knew that it wasn't my time, yet. If I went back now, I wouldn't be able to stay away from him. I would have to watch him with her.
It would destroy me.
As much as it hurt, I had to wait.
Tanya was there, and she was watching, and that would have to be good enough for now. I tried to feel guilty for asking her to live in our house, but I couldn't. Alice had said eight years, but I knew that was unreliable. There was a chance it could be longer, much longer. I couldn't bear the thought of Seth growing old without me. Manipulating Seth from a distance seemed almost like a betrayal, but I simply didn't regret it. Selfishly, I didn't want him to change. If there was a chance for us to be together, I wanted him to be the same Seth I fell in love with.
I needed him to still be phasing.
It was years before a letter arrived from Tanya that simply said I should come back.
It was the sign, the moment I had been waiting on for so long, but now it was time to leave, I was suddenly anxious.
Tanya's message hadn't elaborated on what had happened - simply a message and travel documents to have me back in Forks by the end of the month. My mind raced through a million possibilities of what I would find when I went back, and I felt incredibly out of my depth as I headed back to the unknown. The only thing that kept me together was the hopeful glow that burned inside me.
One more step back to him.
Tanya picked me up from the airport, her unfaltering love for me instantly putting my mind at ease. I had missed her friendship, just as much as I had missed my family. She filled the trip home with small talk, telling me of all the local happenings in my absence. Even though I was almost beside myself, desperately wanting to know the reason she'd called me home, I feigned interest in her conversation. She'd been so good to me, and I felt like I owed it to her to act the part of the Edward she remembered. Polite. Patient.
Finally, we made it home. Once again, I had nothing with me but the clothes I wore, and Seth's wolf carving in my pocket.
"She's sick." Tanya gestured for me to take a seat on the couch beside her. "I smelled her in town awhile ago. I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with her, but I don't think she will survive it."
I was dumbstruck. Speechless. Totally lost.
In the back of my mind, I knew that for Seth and I to be reunited something would have to happen to his imprint, but now that the reality was being stated in such bleak black and white, I found myself feeling all at once guilty and heartbroken for Seth. The loss of a mate was not something I would wish upon my worst enemy, and the thought of Seth having to watch her die was agonizing. He would suffer, just as I had suffered, and that made me want to weep.
"I could ask Carlisle to..." I suggested desperately.
Tanya interrupted me. "I think it's already too late, Edward." Her voice was sad, and she stared out the window. "It's just a waiting game, now."
I watched him from the shadows.
The law firm he worked for was in Forks. It was neutral territory, and I was careful to always use the car so as to not leave a scent trail in the woods near the house. The pack didn't patrol close to the township, and I was able to move about undetected.
I didn't want him to know I was back.
I wasn't sure how he would react if he knew, and even though I wanted, more than anything, to reveal myself, I knew he needed to have all his focus on Melissa.
Her name sounded foreign and clumsy on my tongue. For more than a decade, she had simply been her. A nameless girl-child that I had once directed all my anger at. For the longest time, I had hated her, blamed her. Wanted her dead. But, she wasn't to blame for what had happened. She didn't choose this path for herself, just like Seth and I hadn't had a choice. She was as much a victim as I was.
It felt strange to now be thinking of her with pity, wishing that she wasn't going to die.
I saw them together, once. It was more painful to watch than even my worst nightmares had imagined. The sight of him; his face lighting up as she walked towards him, the ease at which they moved in each other's space, the soft touches and warm smiles. It was so easy, so comfortable. They looked like two halves of the same whole. Loved and in love.
I wasn't sure what I had expected to see - in my head the imprint had never equated to true love, and I had refused to believe it was anything more than just an irrefutable force of nature. I certainly hadn't expected to feel like a voyeur, eavesdropping on a love so pure, it rivaled my own.
It only made me feel worse for what was ahead of them.
Part of me wanted to find a way to warn and protect them.
Part of me hoped Tanya, and Alice, were wrong.
Part of me hoped they were right.
In the end, I admitted defeat, retreating to the house and leaving them alone to enjoy what little time they had left.
They took her back to Seattle, and buried her on a cold winter's afternoon. The sky was bleak and gray, and the wind whipped at the black coats of the mourners gathered by the grave.
Her death left me shaken.
I had wanted this very thing for so long, it was almost incomprehensible that it had become the truth. Every second of my separation from Seth had been filled with a desire for us to somehow, someday, have another chance at a life together, another chance at love. And now we had it. In my most secret, deep down place I was joyous and elated.
And for that I felt selfish and guilty.
As I watched the love of my life stand and grieve for his wife, his imprint, his love, there was nothing to feel but an overwhelming sadness. I despaired that the price was too high, the loss too great.
I stood and watched from a distance, trying to keep my raging emotions under control - not even sure what I should be feeling. Grief and hope boiled together in my veins, and the unsettling effect made me sway on my feet.
Had I not suffered enough? Had I not borne enough sadness for two lifetimes? It seemed an unspeakable cruelty to make him endure the same. The thought of him broken and hurting was paralyzing.
I wanted to go to him so badly. Wanted to wrap him safe in my arms, and shelter him from the storm. Take away his pain.
Just be there by his side.
But yet again, I was forced to leave him to shoulder the burden on his own, forced to stay back and ignore all of my natural instincts to go to him. All I could do was watch, and wait.
The ceremony soon came to an end, people drifting away like little clouds of sadness. Hundreds had come to pay their respects, and it was almost twilight before he stood by her grave, all alone.
It seemed to take a lifetime to cross the cemetery, each painstakingly slow step was heavy with trepidation.
I approached him cautiously, my head suddenly filling with a nauseating fear that maybe he wouldn't want to see me, that I was going about this all wrong. God! Maybe I was making a huge mistake that I would never be able to come back from. What if he was angry, or worse - apathetic, to my sudden appearance? What if he outright rejected what little comfort I could offer him?
I purposefully stood on a twig, the snapping sound echoing against the stone markers that surrounded us. I stopped in my tracks as he turned towards me.
"Edward?" His voice sounded exactly the same as I remembered, my name rolling off his lips almost too much to bear. I wanted him to say it again, and again.
"Seth," I whispered. Up close, it was obvious how close to breaking he was. He looked so very tired, weary. His face lined with silver tear tracks, his shoulders hunched under the weight of his grief.
"I knew you were here. I could feel you," he mumbled at the ground. He pushed his hands deep into the pockets of his coat, his posture strained and awkward, as if merely standing up was an effort.
I took a tentative step forward, my whole being screaming at me to touch him, to tell him he didn't need to be strong anymore, to give him anything, and everything, he needed.
His sob filled the silence, and his body began to shake. I was at his side instantly, wrapping him in my arms.
The heat of him, his spicy scent, the feeling of him pressed against me - it was heartbreaking.
Wonderful.
Overwhelming.
It felt like I'd finally come home.
"I loved her so much," he sobbed into my chest.
"I know." I pressed my lips to the top of his head as he cried against me.
"You need to phase, Seth," I said softly, after a few minutes. "The park is a ten minute drive. I can take you... if you like?"
He hesitated, then simply nodded.
Hand in hand, we walked to my car.
And into the future, together.
The road is rocky, and dangers lurk at every turn. I hold your hand as you stumble.
I would give it all to keep you safe from harm.
I taste your tears on the wind as I carry you to the top of the mountain. My hands cradle your fragile heart, and together we listen to the call of the moon. It whispers our secrets, and promises me that from these ashes, our love will rise.
Hope blooms inside me, and I am drunk on the scent of it.
You breathe my name.
I am whole again.
A/N:
Grateful thanks to: Betham for punctuation, commas and always being there, Naelany for Isle Esme and (lots of) other assorted plot bunnehs, Vampireisthenewblack for inspiration and influence, generosity and friendship. Also huge hugs and thanks to Yellowglue for being her awesome hb&b self.
I think there is one more chapter left.
Somebody awesome nominated this story for the Vampies Awards - celebrating twilight vampfic. It's up for Best Angst (!) and Best Slash. It's pretty overwhelming to see it listed there with some of my most favourite ever stories. Voting opens July 11 - twificpics(dot)com(slash)vampawards go check out all the great recs and consider voting for your favourite/s.
Thanks for reading. Reviews are appreciated.