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Chapter 31: Just Sit Down, Take it Slowly

Bella clasped her hands together and stared at her shoes, feeling her confidence waver. James hesitated and then sat down on the bed, leaving as much space between himself and Bella as he could. He exhaled a loud breath and rested his elbows on his knees, cradling his face in his hands. Although James had been the one to speak first, he found it difficult to continue. The uncomfortable silence continued between them, time dragging along at the speed of a slow crawl.

When her knee began to shake without her permission, Bella smoothed her hands down her thighs, applying just enough pressure to stop the quaking of her body. The silence was making her antsy, more nervous than she had been when she knocked on James' door. She had come to this room for answers and she wasn't going to leave without them.

"Tell me why," Bella finally replied, her voice weak and timid. She awkwardly cleared her throat and then rubbed her fingers across the skin at the base of her neck, trying to ease away the lump that had formed there. There were so many questions she wanted the answers to: why he was here, why he had cast them aside so easily, why he had made no attempt to contact them before.

"I wanted to find you and the baby. I thought…" James paused, the words weighing heavily upon him. There were so many thoughts racing through his head, so many things he wanted to say to her, but he knew he needed to tread lightly. The wrong words would send her away and he would lose his chance—the only chance he might ever get to rectify the mistakes between them.

"I thought about you and the baby every day. I wondered where you were, if you were okay, if he was okay. But I needed time to figure things out, to deal with my parents.

"That night we broke-up, at the party, I didn't want to do that to you, Bella. I wanted to be with you, but my mother…all those bad things that happened to you, she was behind them. And she promised me it would only get worse if I didn't do what she wanted."

Bella blanched at this revelation. She'd always known that the situations she had found herself in after her relationship with James had gotten more serious couldn't have all been coincidence. Bella had blamed them on mean classmates intent on bullying her and making her life at school miserable, or Renee's flighty behavior, but knowing Jane had gone to such lengths made sense.

"I should have talked to you, told you what was going on, but I knew that if you tried to talk me out of breaking up with you, I wouldn't be able to do it. So I had to hurt you, had to make you want me out of your life. It wasn't because I stopped loving you."

Though she wanted to argue that she wouldn't have pleaded for him not to leave her, Bella knew the opposite was true. She had depended upon James so much during that time; he was the only friend she had had. Bella had compromised herself in other ways to keep him in her life; she wouldn't have been above begging.

"I know it's stupid, but I thought that maybe you were waiting for me, that we could be a family."

As much as she hated to admit it, even to herself, there were times in the months that had passed when Bella had thought about James returning. Even though Sue and Charlie had been there for her throughout every step of her pregnancy and Ben's birth, it wasn't the same as having a partner to console her when her hormones were out of control, to tell her she was beautiful when she felt fat, or to reassure her when she feared she'd be a terrible mother.

But more than wanting someone for herself, she'd wanted Ben to have a father. Someone to tuck him in bed at night, to teach him to play baseball in the backyard, and share in his first words, his first steps. Bella didn't want her son to grow up and feel like he was missing out on something, to be deprived of something he should have had.

When she'd gone into labor, she'd thought about James, part of her silently praying that he'd change his mind, that he'd show up. Renee had said he wanted nothing to do with the baby, but Bella had held onto hope. The reality didn't sink in until long after that greasy lawyer had left her hospital room, until after Ben's birth certificate arrived with no name listed under father.

"Why did you wait so long?" she asked, trying to reconcile the events that had occurred from the night he found out she was pregnant until he'd shown up in Forks. His actions in the beginning had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with the baby, yet he was claiming that he did.

"I made a stupid choice—the wrong choice—but I thought I could fix things eventually. I knew we'd need money, but my parents told me they'd take away what I had if I tried to be with you, to find you and the baby. I knew I would get a huge chunk of my trust fund when I turned twenty-one, so I thought if I could just wait...and I thought you'd be okay with the money my parent's gave you until then."

"What money?" Bella asked, confused that James would think his parent's had given her anything. The only money they'd offered was for an abortion and she had refused to take it.

"That night, my parents wrote your mother a check. It was supposed to be money to help you get settled, to take care of you and the baby for a while."

"I didn't get any money," Bella said, knowing exactly where that money had gone. "And I don't think it was to help me with the baby."

Of course Renee, always out to make a quick buck, had used her daughter's unplanned pregnancy to her own advantage. Bella had always known her mother was no good, but this seemed to be a new low even for Renee. That was why she'd been so busy—and happy—in the days after finding out about Bella's pregnancy, and also why she was so quick to send Bella to live with Charlie.

Bella imagined that all of the hustling about and staying occupied during those days was Renee planning how she would spend the amount she'd been given, just waiting for the check to clear. Bella was sure she'd wasted it, probably on a new car or a big vacation with Phil, and she was certain Renee hadn't given her or the baby a second thought. Renee knew Charlie would step up and be the responsible parent that he was.

"It was to make us go away. I wouldn't take the money they offered me to…get rid of the baby, so they made sure I wouldn't be around. Renee took the money and sent me here to live with Charlie."

Realization dawned on James' face and he once again felt like a fool. His parents had manipulated him for so long, forcing him to bend to their will, doing things that were cruel and unforgivable. Yet when his mother had said Bella and the baby would be taken care of, he had believed them. Or maybe he just wanted to believe what he'd known deep down was a lie, wanted to think that Bella was okay even without him.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I thought I was doing the right thing."

Silence hung between them once more and Bella was unsure what to say. She still wanted all those things for Ben, and he would have them. Edward would be there when he skinned his knees, when he had a nightmare, or when he just needed someone to tell him things would be okay.

And Edward would be there for her, too. Though Bella had loved James in her own way, she'd never felt for him the things she felt for Edward. James had felt like a friendly companion, a confidant to spend time with and escape from her everyday life. Edward was all the things she ever wanted and the ones she didn't even know she needed. He made her feel safe and secure, passionate and loved.

"I saw that guy with Benjamin—"

"Ben." Bella cut in. "We call him Ben." She wasn't sure how James knew their son's name, but she supposed he could have seen it on the paperwork that absolved him of his rights.

"Ben. I saw that guy with him, your boyfriend?" When Bella nodded, James continued. "They were meeting you at the diner and the three of you looked like this happy little family. And that's when I knew it was too late."

Bella wanted to question why James was watching, waiting for them outside the diner, but it didn't seem important. He seemed to be resigned, trying to accept that his chance to be a part of her life—and Ben's—was over.

"You love him, right? And he's good to you and the baby?" Having seen them together, James already knew those things were true, but he needed to confirmation, needed to know that Bella and his son would be okay in the future.

"I love him, and he loves both me and Ben. He treats us like we're his family."

"I am sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have come here, not without warning or asking you first. I just thought things would be different. I wanted to see you and the baby. Do you think maybe…" James trailed off, unable to ask her for the one thing he really wanted: a chance to see Ben.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Bella answered, knowing exactly what he wanted. "I'm sorry, but I just can't hurt Edward like that."

Bella knew she could never allow James back into their lives on a permanent basis, could never allow him access to her son anytime he wanted. She knew that seeing Ben just once might provide some sort of closure for him, but Edward didn't deserve to be put in that situation. He'd stepped in and filled that role in Ben's life without question, never once treating Ben like anything less than his own. She just couldn't hurt him that way.

"Do you think you could at least consider it? I could stay in town for a little longer, give you some time to think about it, maybe talk to Edward?"

She could hear the desperation in his voice and for the first time, Bella felt sorry for James. For all the hardships she'd gone through and the things she was still struggling to manage, she at least had close family and friends to help her. And she had her baby. James had no one other than a cold, calculating mother and a father that cared more about his career than his family, bending to the whims of his insane wife.

"Maybe.

"I'm not going to lie to Ben about who he is, but he's too young to understand right now. When he's older, if he wants to look for you, to meet you, I won't stop him from doing that—and neither will Edward."

"Thank you. That's so much more than I'm entitled to."

Exhaling a deep breath, Bella realized that much of the tension in the room had dissipated, that she no longer felt the apprehension and fear that had consumed her when she stepped through the entryway. Knowing there was really nothing left to say, she stood and began to make her way to the door.

James grabbed a pad of the hotel stationary from the table and hastily scribbled down his phone number, tentatively reaching out and handing it to Bella. She folded it and placed it in her pocket, still unsure about whether or not she would discuss his request with Edward.

"Where will you go now?" she asked, her hand lingering on the doorknob.

"I'm not sure. I was thinking maybe California. Some place warm and sunny where I can start over."

Nodding her head, Bella stepped from the hotel room and into the muggy, gray afternoon. Her hands began to shake as she started the car, her anxiety returning full force. Was this really it? Would she no longer have to wonder and look over her shoulder, just waiting for James to try to pop back into her life? Was he truly, genuinely sorry?

~ O ~

Bella was calmer by the time she reached Charlie's house, until she noticed the police cruiser sitting in the driveway and Edward's truck parked hastily against the curb. Before she had time to turn off the car and gather her purse, Edward was at her side, startling her when he wrenched the door open.

"Jesus, Bella. You scared us all to death. Where have you been?"

Knowing he had every right to be angry over her disappearance, Bella stood from the car and wrapped her arms around his waist. Edward stood there stiffly for a moment before returning her embrace, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and touching his lips to the top of her head. They stayed that way for several moments until Bella pulled back slightly to look him in the eyes.

"I went to find James."

"Why would you do that? I told you I'd take care of it. He could have hurt you or…" Edward huffed and rubbed his forehead in agitation. "I don't know. He could have done something bad."

"I needed to do this on my terms, Edward," Bella said, reaching out to grab his hand. "I shouldn't have gone by myself, without telling anyone where I was, but I knew you and Charlie would never allow it. I'm an adult. I need to take care of things on my own sometimes."

Edward squeezed his eyes shut before reaching out to pull her into his arms once more. "I'm sorry. But you should have just told me, talked to me about it. I just want to take care of you." He brushed the hair back from her forehead and looked into her eyes, relieved that she seemed to be okay.

"Did you find him?"

"Yes, but can we just be for a little while? I'm not ready to talk about it. Can we just go home?"

~ O ~

After questioning glances and a stern lecture from Charlie, Edward and Bella loaded Ben into her car and headed towards Edward's house. She promised Charlie that everything was fine and that she would explain things later, but she wanted to talk to Edward first. Bella knew going to see James alone might not have been the best decision, but it was what she needed to do.

Edward was supposed to be her partner and she knew she needed to include him in her decision. She worried about the phone number tucked in her pocket, worried about Edward's reaction to James' request. Her first reaction had been to just take the number, to call James in a few days and tell him that he couldn't see Ben, but Edward was right; they needed to talk about things if their relationship was going to work.

Ben didn't notice the tension in the air and that was comforting to Bella, allowing her to relax a little as she fretted over her forthcoming conversation with Edward. Ben laughed and babbled as he ate his dinner, falling asleep quickly after the meal was finished. Bella held him for a few minutes as he slept, thankful for his presence in her life. She finally placed him in his crib, walking out to find Edward sitting on the couch, waiting.

Bella sank down into the cushions beside of him, snuggling into his side. Edward had been so patient throughout the evening. She could see the questions in his eyes, the tenseness in his shoulders as he worried over what had happened that afternoon, but she needed the time to think things through, to come to terms on her own since her confrontation with James.

"He came here to find me and Ben," Bella said, breaking the silence between them. "He thought there still might be a chance for us to be a family."

When Edward started to reply, Bella squeezed his thigh, hoping he would allow her to continue. She smiled timidly when he nodded his head, a silent acknowledgement that he wouldn't interrupt.

"But then he saw us with you and he knew he waited too long. So he wanted to apologize for everything that happened, to try to explain his reasoning to me. And then he asked…he wants to see Ben."

Bella looked up at Edward, expecting to see anger in his eyes, but his face looked calm, like a blank mask. "I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, that I wouldn't do that to you."

"Bella," Edward said, reaching out to cup her cheek. "You have to do what's best for Ben. It doesn't matter how I feel about it."

"Yes it does," Bella insisted. "You're his…you're his dad," she said, her voice trailing off to a near whisper. She couldn't look Edward in the eyes as she fidgeted her hands in her lap. He'd told her at the cabin that he wanted Ben to see him as a father-like figure, but he'd never said he actually wanted all of the responsibility she was placing upon him.

Edward pulled her into his lap as the tears finally began to leak down her cheeks. He rested his forehead against her neck, placing a kiss just below her ear. "James is his dad, too, just in a different way. He's going to have questions when he gets older. And I don't want him to think I'm standing in the way of him getting to know James, if that's what he wants to do."

"You think I should let James see him?" Bella pulled away to look Edward in the eyes, seeing the sincerity there.

"I think that when Ben gets older, I don't want him to think we were the ones that keep him from his father, to even be able to question that."

"Okay," Bella said, realizing the truth in Edward's words. "I'll call James, but will you be there with us? I can't do this without you."

"Of course. I wouldn't be anywhere else."

~ O ~

Three days later, Bella found herself sitting on Edward's couch, counting down the minutes as she bounced Ben on her knee. Edward was sitting beside her, calm and confident. Her stomach felt like it was twisted in knots and she couldn't seem to stop her hands from shaking.

When there was a knock on the door several moments later, neither of them were surprised by who was standing on the other side. Edward kissed Bella's cheek and assured her things would be fine before moving to answer the door. Bella continued to play with Ben, concentrating on his laughs as he clapped his hands and begged for more bouncing.

She looked up and gave a small smile when James finally appeared in the living room, standing tensely beside of the couch, staring at Ben in awe. Edward nodded at Bella before exciting the room, heading into the kitchen.

"Do you want to hold him?" Bella asked.

James sat down on the far end of the couch, continuing to watch Bella interact with Ben. "He looks just like you," he finally said, a smile gracing his face.

"He has your lips. And ears."

Always inquisitive, Ben began to squirm in Bella's arms, his attention on the stranger sitting on the other end of the sofa. When he began to whine, Bella let him go, watching as he crawled across the space, settling himself into James' lap.

James slowly reached out to touch Ben's face, mesmerized by the small boy sitting in his lap. "Thank you," he said, looking over to give Bella a timid smile. She smiled in return, knowing in her heart that she'd made the right decision.

A/N: One more chapter and then the epi. Thanks to all the readers that have stuck with this story, sending me sweet messages and leaving kind reviews. I appreciate them more than you know. If you PM'ed or e-mailed, I promise to get back to you soon. I've just been a little overwhelmed. :)