..Chapter Thirteen..
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"Congratulations..." a smile hinted at the corners of lips as she handed the female across her desk a wrapped scroll. "You've passed. You are now, from this moment on, no longer a trainee. Within that scroll you will find your graduation diploma and your final scores. Use what knowledge, skills and expertise you've gained within the unit thus far as the tools that will guide you to success and accomplishment. We expect great things from you, agent Lotus."
She bowed and took the scroll offered. "Thank you, Rin-sama. I will."
Dark orbs watched the cotton candy colored woman across from her as she leaned back in her chair. It swiveled slightly under the pressure of her movement. Her legs crossed one over the other and she sat her interlinked digits atop her thighs midway to her knees. She regarded Lotus carefully and with a sense of unrevealed care.
"How have you been, Sakura?" Rin asked.
Sakura paused. Despite the mask over her features one could tell she wasn't sure how to answer the question. "I'm sorry, Rin-sama... but in what way do you mean?"
Now it was her turn to pause and consider her words. It had been two months since the end of that mission Rin had assigned her in Mystic Falls. Sakura had come back a broken, bloody withdrawn mess. It had taken days to heal the physical scars, the bite marks, the damage to her rectum and internal vaginal walls. Tsunade had nearly thrown a fit and she'd personally taken two weeks off to make sure the pinkette was ok to go about on her own. She'd insisted Sakura stay one week in the hospital in that time. It was personal, no one could deny that in the Hokage. Sakura's friends hadn't been given the details; most especially Sasuke and Naruto. However, Rin could tell from the few times she was privy to visit in the company of Sai or Sasuke they knew. In their own way the two ebony haired teammates knew. Sasuke looked livid everytime he left. Sai just looked forlorn and worried in his own way. You could see it in his eyes.
After she'd left the hospital Sakura had insisted on wearing her mask at all times accept in her own home. She was hardly seen anywhere without her ANBU armor. It had taken a month to get her out of it, to get her feeling comfortable enough and safe enough to go without it. These days she only wore it when having to go to HQ. She hadn't had a mission in those two months at the Hokage's instance. Leave was required after such missions. The time of leave was decided by the agent and the Hokage. Rin didn't know the details... but apparently the girl hadn't wanted that much time. Tsunade had been the one who insisted on two months.
Rin sighed. "I mean... are you really up to a new mission? It might not come for a few weeks. However, are you certain you don't need more time? We have plenty of agents, Haruno. We don't need you that urgently..."
"I know, Rin-sama," she replied from behind the mask. "I'm alright. I'm not... better if that's what you mean. But, I can't just sit home and do nothing. I joined this unit to make a change for myself. I wanted to become a better shinobi. I can't do that without moving on somehow."
"Just.. don't rush yourself," Rin advised, eyes obviously softening. "No one expects you to, hun."
"I know. I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing this for me."
"Very well," she agreed with a small nod. "Remember, you're always free to see the counselor here. The door is always open and welcome at all times, day or night."
"I know," she allowed with a single nod.
"Well," she sighed out, siting forward and shuffling some papers on her desk. "It won't be a while before you have another seduction mission yourself. Rest easy. You might not get one for year. For now, if you don't have any other questions you're free to go.
"As I understand it your friends have a party planned at the local pub."
"Later, yes."
Rin watched as she turned her back to leave and recalled one more thing. "Sakura."
She stopped, hand resting on the handle. "Yes?"
"I almost forgot... " she said softly, "Do you still want to remain on a team with Kakashi? Your sponsorship is over with now that you've recovered..."
Sakura turned to face her, brows raising behind her mask. "Is that an option?"
Rin shrugged. "I asked Kakashi about it a few days ago. I told him I could move you to another team. But, he said if you didn't have a problem with he didn't either." A pause. "If you need some time to consider it I'll--."
"No," she replied quickly, brow now furrowing. "That's fine... I just didn't think..."
"What?"
Sakura shook her head and smiled softly behind her mask. "Nothing. That's fine. Yes, I'd like to remain on his team."
Rin nodded, eyes narrowing. "Very well. I'll make sure to draw up the paperwork before I turn in for the night. You may go now."
Without another word Sakura left her office. She shut the door behind her and passed by the empty desk to her right that Rin's assistant normally occupied. She barely gave it a glance, thinking briefly that the women must be out for lunch or some snack; perhaps even a paperwork run.
Sakura continued her slow, even trek, passing other agents in the hallways as she made her way towards the exit. Some waved at her, the ones she knew. Some people looked really engrossed and didn't look up as they walked by. Some just continued without a word because they didn't know her or were a tad preoccupied.
She didn't shuffled her feet or drag them behind her. Her stance slumped a tad, but not by much. Her eyes only drooped slightly behind the guise of her mask. If someone were to ask her how she were feeling the only answer she was sure she could come up with was... tired. She felt tired and worn down; as if she were a tire that had gone far too long on the road without maintenance or repair.
Sleeping was almost impossible, or it had been. The first two weeks home she'd been given sleeping medication in the hospital after she'd woken up in the night screaming. Tsunade had insisted on it. The drugs had been heavy enough that she couldn't remember dreaming if she had been. The week after the hospital she'd weaned herself off of them. It still didn't help. Now she was just trying to get as much as she could. This last month had been hell. She didn't think she had tears to cry anymore. She'd become numb to it all.
It'd become easier to smile though. The first few ones hadn't been real at all. She'd tried to force herself each time. The first time she'd laughed, a real laugh that swamped her senses, she'd felt more alive than she'd been in the weeks prior. She'd doubled over, holding her stomach. Naruto being his normal, stupid self hadn't done it; no, what had done it was seeing Sasuke blush three shades of red in the face of a new and improved Naruto Sexy No Jutsu. The look on his unsure face just hadn't seemed normal or real and she nearly died as the fit of laughs overtook her.
Aside from that though, things seemed to just flood and flow back to some semblance of normal. Kakashi had been right, though. Nothing really fixed the scar. Nothing made it go away once it was there. Nothing made it disappear. And you realized, as you watched your friends, everyone just felt and looked like they wore the same, rose colored shades. It wasn't so easy to ignore the reality of life after you'd seen the real face or horror. Once you'd stared the Devil in the face and come back alive from it everything else just seemed... fake. There was a lack of luster to life. There was a of lack of shine and beauty. You easily noticed the imperfections, the thorns and dull shades. It was like removing the blinders from a horse and taking in the whole picture; except, that picture was your life.
Sakura wasn't the same woman anymore. She'd lost that girl, the one she'd been so set on losing, when she'd allowed herself to lay down with a man who wanted nothing more than to wreck her very being. It had been his goal, she was sure.
She was growing from it and gaining back what she'd lost. It felt good, empowering; yet, at the same time she felt herself clutch it all so much more tightly now. Like Sasuke in some ways, she felt less urgent to be an open, giving, readable book as she'd been in the past. She never wanted someone to take from her what she was getting back ever again. She told herself time and time again when she got another seduction mission, she would guard herself like a rose guards itself with thorns from being picked. The next time she would be prepared for the pain and the ache. She would numb herself to it and block it all out. Never again would she allow her most prized of abilities--her strength and power--to be ripped from her again.
The drifting sun in the distance told her time hadn't been very forgiving by her estimations and she sighed. She made the slow trek up her creaking porch steps and into her house. She'd silently hoped she would have more time before the celebration party at the local shinobi pub being hosted by her friends.
"Hell.." she muttered as her eyes drifted to the clock while set her mask on the dining room table, she wasn't going to have time to change. Ah well, this wasn't her idea anyway. If they wanted her there they'd just have to deal with her uniform sans the mask.
She allowed a genuine smile as she realized half of them probably wouldn't even care, much less complain. Despite her recent run, terror ridden with the opposite sex, she could still appreciate the fact that she knew she looked damn good in her ANBU uniform.
Her eyes drifted to the clock once more and stopped on the wall mirror across the room just below it. She frowned briefly, something flashing in her eyes as they narrowed. She blinked back something quickly and turned away from her reflection.
Perhaps it didn't matter for other reasons... No matter what she told herself, no matter what the counselor told her, she couldn't help but feel...
Damaged.
ooo
The smoke filled room and dim lighting fell over her like a wave of thick relaxation as she leaned over her half full glass of scotch. Shouts of jubilation were heard now and then. Sometimes a holler or two as someone drank to her honor once more. People were happy around her. Some of them could care less as they sat in their own corner booth and nursed a drink. The bar was a mix of color and black and white images representing the people there. None seemed to mind the occasional high induced excitement.
When she'd come in she'd given her customary greetings. She'd said hello and allowed each one of her team to buy her a drink. Many of them had been sipped from by other people when it became obvious she was just going to nurse her alcohol. She was three glasses into it whether they noticed or not. Hours had gone by while she sat there, hunched over with her shoulders slouching.
The image of her could easily be compared to that of the standard male character in a black and white film thinking far too heavily and drinking steadily enough. The only thing missing was the customary cigarette gripped lazily betwixt her lips as she analyzed her thoughts through a coppery abyss.
Her eyes drifted half shut and her lips were only partially open. Her mind was lost to those around her. She hardly minded that by now it seemed they were using her promotion as an excuse to drink. She wasn't unhappy for them or herself. She didn't feel anything but the numbing, warm intoxication that swarmed her senses.
She wasn't about to become an alcoholic like her shishou; however, if a drink or two did this to her... well, she might have to consider partaking of it before bed every night that she wasn't on the job. If it helped her sleep...
She reached for the glass, swirling it once or twice and finished it off. She savored the bite trailing down her throat and smacked her lips. She suppressed the urge to cough and lifted her hand to motion for another drink. The action was halted when someone sat down next to her and took her wrist.
"May I?"
She raised a single pink brow at first, her lips showing only in a slight and curious frown. She shrugged. "Why not, it's one less ryou out of my pocket."
"Shin," the name was called out lazily as he raised a hand. "Two over here, please. One bourbon and..." he edged, looking over at her, coal orb questioning.
"Scotch," she muttered, rubbing her eyes.
He repeated the request and waited next to her. The position her silver haired partner took on almost mirrored her own. If she'd taken the time to notice she might have laughed at how far she'd come down this path. She didn't though. She just hunched over her glass as it was presented to her.
"Congratulations," he murmured, lifting his glass.
"Thank you," she muttered, meeting his in a customary 'chink'. They both drank a swallow at the same time. The simultaneous sound of glass on wood briefly sounded and did nothing to break to mood of the room or atmosphere.
"I haven't seen you in a while," she murmured quietly. She was fairly surprised he'd shown up at all tonight. Since they'd come back from the mission she seen little of him from the time of her release from the hospital. Then, he'd been there like a rock, near silent and standing by her side more so than Tsunade. Whenever she'd awoken he'd either been asleep, telling her to get more rest or pretending to be so engrossed in his little porn book that he hardly had time to talk. At the time, he hadn't appeared much for conversation. She hadn't been either. The silence in his presence had been her solace.
He took another sip from his drink, swallowing as a method of stalling to think of a way to respond. He looked down, one forearm flat across the counter long ways before of his chest. The other hand rested with his elbow while the tips of his fingers gently held his drink. "...You seemed to need time..."
She nodded. "Yeah, it felt that way. All the same though, I wouldn't have mined your company. Even..." she edged slowly, eyes narrowing on her drink as she tried to find the right words, "even if you said nothing at all."
Something passed over his features but he didn't look at her.
She didn't sigh. She looked up at the back of the bar and flicked a few strands of her hair behind her as she felt the mood shift between the two of them. Things she would normally keep bottled up except around her counselor just wanted to pour over in his presence and she knew why. She'd had a lot of time away from him to think about it. She just wasn't sure if this was the time to say it or the place.
She took another sip of her drink, once more nursing. "Everyone's been all about talking. Sasuke knows what happened. Sai does, even if he doesn't really voice it, his eyes do.. Naruto? I'm glad he doesn't know. He just thinks I got my ass severely kicked. He thinks it was worse than normal and wants some sort of revenge," she rattled the last word of with a roll of her eyes. "Everyone wants to understand. Everyone wants to be there. Everyone wants to help.... And for the first month all I wanted..." her voice dipped quietly.
"Was for them all to fuck off and let you think?" he supplied.
"..Yeah." She looked over at him, finding his gaze even if he wasn't looking at her. He wasn't, she knew. But, she was looking at him. He wasn't treating her like a kid anymore. He wasn't scolding her for drinking. He wasn't looking at her in a way someone might pity a broken bird. He just wasn't acting in that way he use to. He wasn't cold, but he wasn't open either. He wasn't smiling or hiding behind that eye crinkle she'd come to know as a child. In her own way... Sakura felt like she was viewing a man who knew the same pain she did. He wasn't giving all of himself to her, but he was obviously letting his coat hang a bit more for her than he did for everyone else.
He's shed his armor just a bit... and so did she.
She reached over slowly, not looking at him and shut her eyes from the world, she blocked it all out as she took his hand in her own. His grip loosened and she felt him uncoil his fingers. Her own interlaced and in the loud, smoky bar around them both, she a raising of something she knew to be true lift in her chest. It made her feel a tad more whole as she felt him match her grip.
Words, for a time... were pointless.
She let the moment drag on as everything around her seemed to slow. It was all nullified behind her. Every shout, every cry and every momentary striking of glasses. All she could feel was the comfort from the gesture he matched with her. All she soak in was that warmth his hand provided. The tender yet steady grip of his hands through the common leather of their gloves was hardly a barrier in her mind. There were no barriers. Only that warmth, that protective bubble around them both of which he supplied for her and her alone. The common ground she stood on with him was something few would understand; not only because he knew her pain, but because he'd been there as she'd endured it.
"Kakashi?" she whispered, opening her eyes. When he didn't say anything she turned to meet his questioning yet vulnerable gaze. Her brow furrowed and her walls dropped almost immediately. "Will you walk with me?"
He visibly paused. "...Sure."
She nodded and stood, grateful he hadn't refused. Respective bills were dropped on the bar before they made a lazy, yet secretive exit. Neither bothered saying goodbye when more than half of those they would give the customary gesture too probably wouldn't remember it come morning.
The night air was cool on her skin, she realized as the door shut behind her. It was a sure sign that winter was steady and approaching. She glanced up at the cloudy sky while they made the slow trek down the barren strip of road that made up the main entertainment circuit in Konoha. Aside from a few drunken men singing as they made their way home all was quiet and still in the night.
"Home?" he asked.
She shook her head, stuffing her hands into her pockets. "No, I want to go to the old bridge you use to meet us on as kids before a mission." She expected him to ask why, but he didn't. No, he just remained a silent as ever while they traveled on. Again, like normal, she was happy for the quiet. He was one of the few aside from Sai who gave her that comfort. Unlike Sai, his eyes weren't pleading or sympathetic. He didn't look like he wanted to say a hundred things to her or ask a million questions. She could imagine Sai did because perhaps it was just harder for him to deal with the newfound emotions. She could hardly scorn him for that.
Before she knew it they were there. Her booted feet thudded against the worn, wooden icon of her youth. She was seeing visions of her and Naruto shouting at the man before her, calling him a lair for his late excuses. A smile touched her lips only a moment as the memories flashed in her thoughts.
She'd grown up quite a bit since then. She imagined if her younger self could see what she was about to do she would more than likely faint or completely deny it.
She turned to face one railing and stared out at the falling foliage. Leaves and petals drifted into the watery stream before her, making ripples in the water. The same fluttering of plant appendages drifted about them like a slow and symphonic rain. The scene comforted her as she relaxed her stance, closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. The calm of the world around her now seemed to settled her instead of taunt her as it would have over a month ago.
She felt his eyes on her and gathered her thoughts, her words. She knew he must be wondering why she'd asked him here, why she'd needed his company.
"Rin told me you wanted to stay on my team. You don't have to tell me why. I just wanted you to know I'm thankful. It would have felt weird with new people..."
He didn't respond while leaning his side into the railing while he faced her. He looked over her head and into the trees beyond them. He wasn't looking at her; but, she knew he was paying attention.
She sighed finally; but, not so loud it appeared depressing. It was more the kind of sound one made to fill a void. "When I was a kid I wanted to be a shinobi very badly. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't about the guys. Not for me. No, I think I lost sight of it as I went through school; but, I wanted more out of life. I saw what most people see when they watch an old war film or a good drama laced with epic fight scenes and heroes that find the will despite all odds. I wanted the glory and the ideal that doesn't really exist.
"I'm sure it exists in some way, just not the way we imagine it as children. There's much more than goes along with it, more much than a kid can ever understand," she continued. "When Ino and I become friends I forgot about that goal. Sasuke became all that I could see. I strove to be better so that he might look at me as something more. When I got on his team I couldn't of been happier. In the process I continued to lose focus and myself. It became more important to be what he wanted than what I set the groundwork for." She looked down at the rippling stream and picked a the leather of one of her gloves.
"We drifted apart after that. I realized I needed to be serious when I started to fall behind. Becoming Tsunade's apprentice helped me achieve that in a small way. I distanced myself from Sasuke and got back to what was real for me.
"I thought nothing was going to be harder than having her for a teacher. I didn't think ANBU was going to be a walk in the park either. I just... " she paused, "I never really expected it to be quite so hard when you took me on as your student again, Kakashi.
"You were hard on me. You ridiculed me, you pushed me into corners, you broken my limits and you never let up. I felt like a rag doll and on missions I sometimes felt like a useless punching bag. You didn't compliment me. You didn't pat me on the back. You didn't give me any credit even when it was due. You beat me in skill and just when I thought I'd gotten some ground you reminded me of what I piece of shit I was." She didn't mince words and her tone was almost accusatory. "When I was a kid I would have given anything for some attention from you, even bad attention. I can't name the number of times I went home, barely able to move after our training sessions, cursing your name in the worst ways possible." He was still quiet, sensing her need for that.
"Thank you," she whispered strongly with emotion and turned to look at him with rippling eyes looking close to crying. "Thank you for giving me the ability to finally become the woman I wanted to be. Thank you for never letting up. Thank you for treating me like, what I assumed, was shit. Thank you," she said with more strength as she took his hands, causing a look of awe to cross his good eye, "for finally, finally, treating me like a student who was worthy of the potential she always hoped she had."
"Sakura.."
"I'm not done yet," she interjected quietly as she held his gaze. "When we got that mission for Mystic Falls I won't deny I was scared. I was nervous and trembling inside. Yet, all the things you gave me, all the tools and confidence you'd instilled and beat into me allowed me to complete it with a sense of finesse I wouldn't of ever dreamed myself capable of. A year ago I would of laughed at myself if someone asked me to take it on. I couldn't of comprehended it--at all." She gripped his his hands tightly and kept herself from shaking somehow. She hadn't felt this raw with her emotions since that night when all her strength had been tapped and siphoned from her soul.
"Up until that moment," she continued with confidence still present in her voice, "there was no getting to you. I didn't understand how you could go from being my smiling, perverted, hentai reading sensei... to this cold, indifferent asshole who only seemed to tear me down everytime I gained an upper hand... I didn't get it," she emphasized.
"You were there for me," she whispered, blinking back emotion in her eyes. "You didn't have to be. You didn't have to take care of me. You didn't have to bathe me or clothe me. You didn't have to sleep with me through the night to make sure I was ok. You could of gotten any of those women working there do it.. but you didn't. You stayed with me. You consoled me. With out you..." she shook her head. "There's just no way I would be ok right now. Without everything you've given me emotionally and physically as a shinobi and a woman? I just.. I couldn't of done it. Not without you."
"Sakura--."
"I'm not done," she continued, not letting him get one word in. Not now. She took a deep breath and looked down before meeting his gaze again. "I admire you," she explained, her heat on the line. "You... are the single greatest man to ever walk into my life. Just standing in your presence amazes me. Some women, some people, go their whole life worshiping a god on the silver screen, never once meeting them or standing in their presence," she said with a crack in her voice. "I'm so lucky... because the one I admire most, the person I see as the single greatest contributor in making me a stronger person.. stands before me everyday. You have... no idea how that feels..." she whispered, holding back tears. "And I want you to know... that... I love you."
His chest tightened with every word she spoke. It tightened and grew into a mix of warmth and fear as the hands gripping his own pulsed. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. His vision became a blur to everything but her.
He forced himself to swallow and close his eyes. "Don't say that," he whispered, uncommon emotion laden in his voice. "Please..." he breathed, "Don't say that."
Sakura's face took on a wash of confusion as she sensed something drastic and fearful from him. "What... Kakashi..." She reached for him, releasing his hands. Yet, once again, like months ago when he'd fought her for the first time in that field for sword training, he withdrew from her as if stung. She felt that wall come back up and her heart crushed, not just for him, but for herself. "Tell me why," she urged quietly. "Talk to me...! Don't hide from me!"
"No," he ordered, coal orb flashing open wide then narrowing. He took a step back from her. His breath felt quick and he could feel a sheene of sweat forming across his brow. Everything within him was torn. Everything.
"Kakashi--!"
He didn't heart hear the rest. No, because once again he was running. He was running from her and from something in the very folds of his past he felt would always remind him of what he couldn't do, what he couldn't overcome and what he couldn't change.