..Chapter Eighteen..
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A spray of color exploded over the morning sky as the sun drew breath, like a great god inhaling while he awoke from his slumber, and appeared in the distance. Dew dripped off blades of hued green poking up from mother earth. Each slice bowed against the breeze which wafted by like a gentle caress.
Ripples danced on the surface of crystal blue expanse, as if tiny feet were making way this way and that as ghostly skaters. Amongst this brilliance that was something rather normal in Hidden Village of Leaf, a young man, perhaps no older than fourteen or fifteen stood. His hands were dug snuggly into his pockets, his posture was less than straight and his one, good eye appeared disenchanted from the world before him.
His garb was standard issue for the unit--soft violet armor and black leather accoutrements. The only covering to swath his face at the current moment in time was a half mask of deep, dark blue that looked more black than blue against his fair skin.
The breeze swept through the silence once more, gently tossing his silvery-bed-head styled strands. They hung part way over his left eye, wisping a ghost of a kiss across the closed, scarred emblem of his not so distant past.
To his left a man, in much the same garb as himself, stood leaning into the sturdy trunk of an oak tree. His arms were crossed over his chest and his chin dipped low enough that his brown bangs shadowed his eyes.
Kakashi's line of vision moved to his superior--Hiro--just as he heard the sound of shifting feet. It was purely reactionary and he expected nothing more than for the older man to address him a moment; however, when his eye landed on the scene in front of him he couldn't stop the wave of disbelieve that flooded his system.
He blinked.
In front of Hiro stood a man he hadn't detected a hint of. At the moment he wasn't even registering. His control of chakra suppression was flawless as far as he was concerned. He'd yet to come across someone since his mentor, his sensei--the Yellow Flash, who could move so undetected as to not even upset a shifting of dirt beneath his sandaled feet. It was a feat, deemed by most, impossible if one was fully aware; which, he was. His senses had been wide open since they'd arrived in the area. He'd made sure to focus on nothing else but the environment.
"This is your new subordinate, Kaoru," Hiro allowed while he stepped from the shadows and towards Kakashi as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. "Hatake Kakashi."
Kakashi heard him, his words did not fall on totally deaf ears; however, he just wasn't focusing on Hiro anymore. No, he was now completely focused on the man coming from beneath the shading branches wrapped in top notch ANBU diggs.
His eyes were the first and last thing he zeroed in on; bright amber mixing with electric yellow seemed to pierce the air and hold one in place. He was tall, perhaps six feet at most. His hair was inky mess of black that reached his shoulders and his skin a touch darker than he'd seen on any shinobi; but, at the same time a sight lighter than a farmer would have.
He couldn't help it or even understand the feelings this man suddenly summoned from within--the admiration he'd only ever felt for one man before: The Yellow Flash and late Hokage of Konoha. That sense of, what he wouldn't dare call or think of as, hero worship.
This was a man he could model and admire; even if he didn't know it in that moment. It was level of reverence Minato had only ever garnered from him after Sakumo's humiliation and suicide. The Yellow Flash had been that man because there was be no other father figure for a boy who was all but considered, even then, a disgrace simply because of a parent's actions... To find and accept that again so readily in someone else, even unrecognized by himself for what it really was, could be called more than a turning point.
It was pivotal.
Kaoru held out a hand, smiling easily. "Good to meet you, Hatake-san," his voice smoothed over, "I'm quite sure we'll do fine together... That is, if you're agreeable to the idea of me becoming your sponsor..."
Kakashi's lips twitched in a slight smirk, his only real show of expression the entire meeting as he took his hand and returned the steady grip as best he could. "I would be honored...
"...Taichou."
ooo
Six months later...
"Kakashi-sempai!"
Single orb open, the hunched, teenage form turned and stopped walking to look behind and see who was calling out to him. He sighed and knew, once he saw the smiling young girl in a medic apron, there was no hiding.
"Someone you know?"
Kakashi looked up at the face of his amused captain. "A former teammate..."
"Ah..."
"What?"
He chuckled. "I take it you'd rather not speak with her?"
"Not particularly..." He noted she was still a good distance from him, her pace now slowed because of the heavy traffic.
"She's smiling at you..." he edged, rubbing his clean shaven chin.
That was Rin. But, he knew, her smile was just as much a mask as his own. He didn't need to delve his thoughts into that. He didn't want to because it was for that same reason he was avoiding her.
She was getting closer, he noted; much too close for him to consider making a break for it and passing it off as though he had somewhere to be in a hurry. At this point she'd know he was avoiding her--blatantly.
She beamed as her jog slowed to a walk and she stopped in front of them both. "How are you, sempai? I.. It's been a while..."
He knew 'a while' was stretching it for someone who'd been all but a memory for six months in lock down. Rin was being kind, as usual. "ANBU," he replied with a shrug, as if that were the answer. She'd known, he'd been the one to tell her.
She bit her bottom lip and her hands clasped behind her back in a motion of nervousness. "Lock down right?" She finally took a good look at his uniform, eyes soft and her lips barely curling. "Yes, I know... I was just... worried about you..."
He nodded, not entirely sure how to respond. Were it anyone else, anyone else at all... he'd shrug it off. He wouldn't care because they really wouldn't be hurt by his reaction at all; however, this was Rin. Rin, the girl he'd failed completely by being a stupid ass, by being selfish and ignorant, too wrapped up in his own idea of what the shinobi was--and had been for generations--to actually do what was right and be a good team leader.
Therefore, he had to think on some way to respond without tripping on his tongue over one of his automated ones. Socially, he wasn't terribly skilled when it came to matters outside of the mission requirements where everything was laid out... outlined and you were expected to lie.
He couldn't lie to Rin. He couldn't fake a response. What--.
"He was fine, Rin-chan," Kaoru-taichou replied for him.
Immediately, her gaze went to him and she blushed. "Kami, forgive me, I just haven't seen Kakashi-sempai in so long.. you are?"
"Kaoru-sama," he replied smooth as ever. "Kakashi-san's former sponsor and now teammate."
She smiled brightly. "I'm glad to have met you." Slowly, her blushing gaze and concern-filled eyes returned to Kakashi. "I have to go, I have some work to do in the hospital... but, you won't be a stranger..?" she asked hopefully.
"I'll be busy.." he explained slowly, "I can't promise anything..." He couldn't. Soon, he was going to slammed with work and more the ghost than ever.
"Oh.... well," she edged, obviously hurt, "whatever you can manage, sempai..." She forced a tight smile. "I'll.. I'll see you when I see you." Without much else she was leaving in a hurry. As she ran past, Kakashi did his best to shut out the gut wrenching feeling that he was somehow screwing up whatever Obito had tried to teach him. He didn't looked back. In fact, he shut his only open eye completely, tightly as he tried to stifle the urge to run after her and explain.
He just couldn't though, could he? She... she would be far better off without him. He had some growing up to do. If he ever wanted to live up the promise he'd given a boy--no... a man--far better than himself, if he ever wanted to bring honor back to his father's name, he had to do this. He couldn't face her, reliving that image of her crying as their teammate died because of his stupidity and pride, until he was a better man.
A hand on his shoulder had him looking up at his Taichou.
He frowned at Kakashi. "You don't have to isolate her..."
Kakashi sighed and finally looked at her departing back, only to find she was long gone into the crowds by then.
"She's in love with you.. you know."
"I don't deserve her..."
"Not yet?"
"Perhaps not ever, Taichou." His good eye flashed pain.
"Do you love her?"
Had he ever asked himself that question? "I... I don't know."
Kaoru nodded and squeezed his shoulder for moral support. "Don't do it because you promised a boy you believe you can never fully repay... The dead don't forgive, Kakashi... Not the way you want them to.
"That," he edged slowly, "and she'll hate you if you do for any other reason besides the right one."
Kakashi looked back up at him, swallowing as the wisdom of his words washed over and once again gave him a sense of support and clear-headed thinking. "I'll take that to heart, Taichou... Thank you." A small, sad twitch of his lips beneath his mask showed in slight he appreciated all of it.
What this man gave him was something he still desperately needed---direction, strong sense of self and the fuel he would not have to fire the drive to work harder to achieve his goals without him.
Kaoru laughed then, startling him out of his thoughts.
"What?" Kakashi asked, confused.
"You," he murmured, leaning in with a grin, hand still on his shoulder, "are blushing." He pointed to the bit of red peaking from beneath his mask along the bridge of his nose and upper cheeks.
He blushed further and mentally berated himself for doing so as his captain laughed softly on at him.
"Ah," he began, letting his laughter die as he released his shoulder and stood up to simply face him in the busy street, "it gives me pride to know, that even you, Kakashi, can find something awe inspiring enough about your stuffy old captain to do that."
The 'boy' grumbled, stuffed his hands into his pockets and moved to continue waking. "You're only three years older than me, Taichou... you're not old..."
He grinned, and said nothing more to the blushing youth--for which Kakashi was thankful--as they continued on their way towards HQ. Even so the depth he stole away from those words, remained fixated in his mind; and long after the red of awe over his Taichou's wisdom left his face... the words lingered on in his heart.
ooo
One year later...
"Kakashi," a voice breathed out, exasperated, "are you taking any of this seriously?"
The sixteen year old couldn't help the tinge of pink that crept along his face, showing through despite the covering. It reached his ears and along his nose. He couldn't help it. He didn't understand it. He knew he had to do this. He'd known that before he'd joined the unit. However, for some reason, that didn't stop the anxiety. This was suppose to be easy. It wasn't like there was any real emotion involved. They weren't going to actually do... anything... just a couple of acting techniques and...
"Look..." Kaoru whispered, looking away from his face, "... I'm not... I'm not keen on the idea either. It would have been a lot easier if they'd made us do this damned thing earlier... I can't change that though. They had other things, new techniques to test run in lock down. That's why all the teams who passed with you are having to do this now..."
He hated the fear that crept along his spine. The last time in his life he could recall feeling this sort of trepidation was as a lowly rookie, unsure as to whether or not he would live up to his father's image when their family had been in good standing with the village.
What could he do but nod, turn back to the paper before him and to continue reading what his 'mission' was for the expected role playing, though? Kaoru-taichou had his own. The only one who had knowledge of what was on both sheets was the man across from him sitting on bed provided in the room they'd taken for the night.
The orders advised they do the exercise somewhere nonpersonal.
"Begin when you're ready, Kakashi.." he didn't miss the vexation in his tone. Kakashi could only assume it was over the situation they'd been placed in. It should have been taken care of in lock down when all of this was likely to be forgotten and each of them could move on easier afterward.
Slowly, he exhaled and removed his mask, allowing it to drop and hang about neck loosely. He stood and walked across the small expanse between the two beds the room provided. No matter how hard he tried, berated himself and reworked his nerve he simply could not rid himself of the ever present feelings coiling every which way in his body. He could not rid himself of the red blooming across face.
His hands shook as he stopped between his Taichou's legs and reached down. He cupped his cheeks in his hands and ran his thumbs, gently, across his tanned cheekbones. The action, in response, caused the older male to shut his eyes in what Kakashi could only assume was bliss.
He dipped down, trying to appear assertive despite the atmosphere, and pushed him down onto the mattress, blanketing his body in his own. A moment of considering, less than that, and his lips pressed into Kaoru's.
He hated that he'd been in the unit for a good while now, having never been required to do a mission of this sort because he hadn't been through the training while under lock down. Paperwork and pencil pushers made getting to it afterward longer. And now, as a result, he was making out with a man he admired beyond belief, that he looked up to and sought praise from in a way he never had anyone else before at this point in his life--hell, in their friendship. The way he felt about him... it wasn't like his late sensei. And what they were doing, what was being required to be instructed and tested, intensified emotions he hadn't ever considered evaluating.
At all.
Suddenly everything got more intense and he didn't question it. He was on his back, his hands were in his captain's hair and a definite surge of desire the likes of which he'd never encountered before was brewing in him, around him... It electrified the air and it made focusing on what he was suppose to be doing here that much more difficult.
"Kakashi..." he heard a whisper across his lips, his name echoing in want.
Had this been building all this time? Had everything he'd felt for him from the moment he'd first laid eyes on him--shadowed beneath the boughs of the trees that morning, a morning that seemed ages ago now--been building to this moment? Was what he assumed to be hero-worship at a later time, really... more? Was it something he hadn't considered simply because he'd never really interacted that way with anyone? The closest he'd come was perhaps Rin. Even so, this wasn't the same.
No... it wasn't...
He felt something press into his back, hitting just above his tailbone. The sharp reminder was the only thing that forced him to come back to earth. He reached for it, trying to wash away the direction of his thoughts as he make a quick motion of rolling his Taichou over and pressing the kunai to his throat. He watched shock pass across his 'teacher's' face as he made the slicing motion for a successful kill, retaining eye contact.. trying desperately to ignore the pressure, the mutual pressure, between his thighs where he straddled his captain.
"Done," he whispered, trying not to breathe heavily and appear unaffected as he moved to stand on shaky legs. He wiped a hand down his features as he turned away from Kaoru, as if doing so would help.
"Good job..." he heard from the other male, his tone almost lost; probably about as lost as he looked and felt. "I'm... I'm gonna go take a walk... I need to clear my head... I'll be back in about an hour."
Kakashi didn't argue as he left the room. He actually didn't much of anything for a long while aside from stare into space. When his Taichou did some back, hours later, nothing seemed clear about his head or the tenseness in the room.
The rest of the week all the exercises were done without a word of question. Neither verbally explored what was going on. Kakashi went with it, thinking perhaps it was just better not to. Verbalizing meant dealing with things neither apparently wanted to deal with in the first place; things that even if they hadn't know would cause changes about their dynamic, they obviously both had an idea they might.
However, by the end of that week, Kakashi was willing to admit one thing to himself...
...He was in love with his Taichou.
ooo
One year later...
"What...?" his voice emphasized the word in a whisper. His eyes were wide, and then narrowed in scrutinizing confusion. "What... what do you mean you're ill? You look fine to me, Taichou..." Kakashi continued.
The elder sighed as he bent over the table where he sat. "Just as a I told you... I went for my required yearly exam... and..." He closed his eyes, his sentence trailing off as if he were recalling something.
The seventeen year old baulked. "What kind of illness forces you to just.. dissappear?"
"They're going to place me in a high security care center, Kakashi. It's not so much for my own safety; but, for those around me."
"I don't understand..." Pain etched his features as he dejectedly sat next to Kaoru and took his hand. His fingers interlaced into his captain's and he squeezed.
"My bloodline technique, Kakashi," he said softly, sadly, "gets more intense as I age. Right now I can control it. I can control it well. However, from what the doctor gathered in my blood-work... it'll be getting more intense. It's already doubled in the last week. In what he estimated to be about three weeks, I'll lose all ability to control it.
"You've seen me use it on missions to get what I want, to get people to do what I want..
"Human desire... is a valuable tool.." he went on dejectedly, lost in his own world. "If I can't contain that, it won't just be about what I say..."
Kakashi remained silent, waiting for him to continue... to gather his own courage an admit what he himself didn't want to verbalize. Then... then it became real.. right?
"Eventually I'll lose myself. I won't be me anymore. The toxins released into my own bloodstream will alter... everything about the man I am..."
"Are they starting to now?" he asked softly, fear lacing his voice. Not of him, but for him.
He seemed he sense this and shook his head. "No, thank god the doctors know when that will happen," he sighed out, half smiling in irony. "A week after I lose control on it... that's when the change starts..."
"How long do you have before..?"
"Three days."
Silence.
"They don't waste time do they..." Kakashi voiced after the passing about a minute.
"...No, they don't."
Kakashi sat there with him, holding his hand. Why he let him, he didn't know. Perhaps, it was just one person needing another. He needed it.. didn't he... Was it like dying? It felt like he was dying... He was going to lose yet another important person. This time... only this time... he knew there was really nothing he could do to prevent it. All the training in the world, all the shinobi skills he's been taught, refined and utilized like any weapon in a large arsenal were not going to save....
"...I love you," he whispered, finally revealing what he hadn't been able to before.
"I love you too."
ooo
The next day...
The silver haired ANBU stared, confused, for a mere moment at the man lingering on his doorstep. He was shocked, not because he was there; but, because of the state he was in.
He looked lost, weakened, vulnerable and defeated beyond repair. There was nothing physically wrong with him... he just looked... like someone had given him the worst imaginable news and there was no possible way he was recovering from it. Considering just yesterday he'd already been given that news, and had accepted it, Kakashi didn't have clue as to what was causing such a visual before him.
"Taichou... what..."
"Can I come in, Kakashi?" Pause. "Please..."
He didn't reply, he just stepped aside and let him into his family home. Once the door was closed he didn't ask for an explanation; instead, he led him directly up the second floor, down the hall and into what was once his parent's room and now his own. He shut the door behind him and moved to sit him on the bed.
"What happened?" he asked, concern lacing his voice while he moved to crouch before him.
The story that came forth from his mouth was one that slowly, with each word, made him angrier and and angrier. Someone, he had no idea who, had leaked what was going to happen him in the coming weeks. Save, they'd made it sound as though, or the rumor mill had, that it was happening now. Out of fear and insecurity, every villager within sight of him had made it clear he either wasn't welcome or they were not going to risk being near him.
He'd been dealing with a heavy load for a good number of years. He knew about this. He knew this would happen to him one day. Given that he'd learned just yesterday his life was essentially going to end... Kakashi couldn't begin to place himself in his shoes.
"We'll go talk to the Hokage," he urged. "Did you try speaking with an official today? Did you even go the hospital to explain and get someone to help?"
When he didn't respond Kakashi shook him slightly. "Taichou... did you hear me?"
"Why bother?" he whispered.
"What...?"
His eyes flashed to Kakashi's. "What's the point? I don't think I can do this, rookie. I don't want to. I don't want to be a tool, a useless one at that needs to be put to sleep or isolated from the world. I'd rather just leave and face it on my own. I'd rather just try to beat it on my own."
Kakashi took pause for a moment, carefully considering his reply. "What are you saying...?" He stood and took a step back.
"Do you trust me, Kakashi?"
"With my life..." he replied, confused.
Kaoru stood then. He took both of Kakashi's hands into his own. "I'm.. I'm leaving Konoha, Kakashi. And I want you to come with me."
Disbelief cross his features and he ripped his hands away as if stung or slapped. "You're... what?" He couldn't form a thought then. He didn't want to believe what he was hearing.
"I'm leaving. Tonight. I want you to come with me," he replied. When he got no immediate response he continued. "Don't you see, there's nothing left for me here, Kakashi? I'm not going to roll over and just.. do what they want me to do because they can't find another solution. I can't... I can't do that."
"So, instead..." he whispered, not really seeing himself asking this question.. "You want to become a missing nin." It was a statement.
"I want to be more. And I want you to be more with me," he replied.
"No!" his response held no hesitation. "I can't... you can't ask me to do this... you can't do this, Taichou..." he was at a loss.
"Kakashi, you told me you loved me yesterday," he whispered, eyes pleading as he grasped both of his shoulders. "Because of that I won't lie to you. I'm afraid. I'll admit that to you when I wouldn't admit a damn thing to the doctors about how I felt, the reality... just like you don't behave this way around one else by me...
"I'm terrified... I've spent my whole life ignoring when this would happen. And here I am, in my twenties... and... I'm going to die. Yes, die. And I just can't accept it.
"I can't accept you not being with me, to help me fight through this. You're the only one, at the end of day, when it's all said and done... who won't walk out on me.. you won't do to me what they did to me today...
"Will you come with me?" he finished with strength in his voice.
Kakashi stared on at him and he couldn't quite help the tears forming in his eyes--out of heartbreak--as he responded, with a soft, pleading voice. "...No."
What happened next was not what he expected.
What happened next... was not something he could even fathom from the man before him. The very idea of the series of events which transpired... he didn't quite believe they were happening to him because of who was doing it.
"I love you, Kakashi," he whispered while he tore at his clothing, his uniform in a way he more than likely considered passionate. He didn't hear the noes, the cries to stop, he blocked them out because Kakashi loved him. He would. He always would and there was nothing that would take that from him.
He hadn't lost his mind. The bloodline technique that would kill every fiber of who he once was made no affect on what he was doing. He did what he did out of pain. He did what he did because he couldn't face the one person left in his crumbling world... not being there. He couldn't see until it was too late that he what he was doing was not going to work.
Kakashi wasn't going to change his mind, he wasn't coming with him. Between the pain and fear he saw betrayal. Anger swarmed his senses; and like anyone else, it got the better of him, causing a once good man with good intentions to do things he once tried to prevent.
He realized that if he didn't finish this... he was going to be stopped. Kakashi would tell everyone and it would too late for him. He wouldn't go. He couldn't. He would make sure that didn't happen.
"Watch," he ordered hoarsely. "Watch or I'll cut your throat when I'm done!" were words he said without forgiveness, knowing it would kill any willpower the youth had left.
Then he finished, pulling out and stared down at what he'd sewn, what he couldn't stop himself from doing. He reached for his katanna and brought it up, pausing as Kakashi spoke.
"Tai....Taichou..."
He hesitated for the briefest of moments as the title washed a series of memories before his eyes. Instead of making him realize what he was doing was wrong, so very wrong, they only served to make him angrier.
The sound of metal cutting flesh and bone echoed in the now quiet room...
He'd been in pain coming through the door. That same pain had driven him to ask the impossible. That pain, furthered by the response from the one he valued most and considered all he had left, caused him to do as he had. That pain mixed with fear, caused him to finish what he'd started.
It wasn't until he stood motionless, over the bleeding corpse of the one he loved most in the world, that he lost his mind.
ooo
Liquid pain erupted from every fiber of his being as he opened his mouth to scream in silent agony. His back arched, intensifying it thrice over. It began to blend together in the haze before his eyes. Even the soft hands on his features and the soothing, calming tone in his ear did almost nothing to ease the trauma he was allowed both within... and without of his slumber.
"Sempai," she whispered... yes a she. "Please, calm down... it's alright... I'm here... No, don't go to sleep. Stay with me... Stay with me, please. We're going to give you some pain medication, don't worry. Just, stay with me for now."
He did as she asked, just as he once recalled doing before... he focused on that, on her voice, as he had time and time again in the past. Doing that... it'd always kept him alive, right? Yeah... logical choice.. listen to.. Rin.
"Ok, Sempai," her worried, commanding tone spoke to him. "Nod or shake your head slowly to my questions. Once were done, you can go back to sleep..."
He wanted to tell her he didn't want sleep, he'd slept enough. He didn't want to go back... to...
"Can you feel your legs?"
It took him a moment, but he nodded yes.
"Arms?"
Nod.
"Ok, is the there a part of your body you can't feel right now?"
It took him a moment to process her request and find out. He shook his head no.
"Good, that means you're not paralyzed." He wasn't sure why he would be...
"Drugs are kicking in now, Sempai... sleep good... I'll be back in a few hours to check you.. I'm here... ok? I'll make sure you're safe."
Safe...
And the regime continued like that many times, minus the pain like the first. He was never really there, only catching bits and pieces and doing as she asked. He just knew it was the only real constant aside from whatever went on in his sleep he felt to be unpleasant. He then wondered, in his drug induced haze, if they'd given him something to stop the nightmares...
ooo
"Kakashi-sempai...?"
The voice greeted his ears long before the her smiling face did. Light hit him like a ton of bricks and he winced.
Rin scrambled to shut the curtains immediately.
"Th.." was all he got out before his dry throat kicked in. He reached for his neck, pulling IVs with him, but not out as he tried to sit up.
"Hold on there," Rin whispered, by his side immediately with a cup of water. "Here, drink this... slowly. I don't need you puking all over the sheets."
Silently, he took it and did as she said. Once the contents were gone he exhaled softly. He didn't stop her as she took the cup from his hand and went about checking his body with a chakra enflamed hand.
"How do you feel?" she asked.
How did he feel? "Like hell," he whispered, staring at her almost blankly. "How long have I been out...?"
"Well... about a month..." she started to explain. "We found you in... a pretty bad condition, Sempai...." she paused, as if trying to figure just how to word it. "You... You're spine was almost completely severed. Thankfully, my team got to you time. The surgery preformed was, for the most part, experimental. Hokage-sama only gave the go once we were positive there was no saving you any other way...." her voice moved to a slow whisper as she explained, as if reliving the event in her mind.
"Did you...?"
"I was the one who came up with it, yes; along with help of Tsunade's journals in the archives... "
He nodded.
"You'll still need to take physical therapy--," she started softly, as if she felt badly about this.
"I don't mind, Rin," he replied just as softly, stopping her. "Right... now... I'm not really interested in doing anything but taking it easy..."
She nodded, intertwining her fingers together on her lap.
"How..." he began, pausing once to swallow, ".. how many people--."
Sensing his distress, the interrupted him this time. "No one but the Hokage, my own team and myself, Kakashi... No one else knows. We've recorded in the medical records as a classified mission under the causes of injury..."
He nodded, but remained quiet.
"Are you hungry...Do you want me to get you anything, Sempai?"
"Food yes... nothing else."
Everything else felt too robotic, to fake... to fucking real and all he wanted was to ask her for some of those sleeping pills that kept him from seeing... he just wanted to....
"Kakashi?"
He felt his shoulders hunch.
"Kakashi..?" Her hand touched his forearm.
His head dipped low while he felt his body, his mentality... crumble. There, in that hospital room, while Rin held him, he cried, even if he didn't understand why.
Why... oh...god.... why?
ooo
Kakashi couldn't move. He couldn't speak. All he could do was stare at the approaching man. All he could feel were the intense waves of fear as they rushed through his veins and infected every pour in his body, his mind.
Images flashed before him. Laughter, the two of them fighting together, crying, hands gripping together and interlaced in support, lips... and then came the blood, the horrifying reverse of emotion, the betrayal, the words and pain. He couldn't will the cycle if memories away. They just kept coming and confusing him--ripping away all the years of counseling, emotional relearning and walls he'd carefully built around himself. Everything he'd buried that had been ripping at the seams since returning to ANBU... since becoming Sakura's partner... it crumbled faster than he could process and deal with.
He didn't see Sakura staring at him, her eyes evaluating and questioning.
The moment he felt the warm hand on his cheek, thumb rolling over it, he reflexively snapped his eyes shut as if if he'd been slapped or would be. His chest tightened and all the air felt sucked from his lungs. He had to command himself to breathe.
"Hatake Kakashi... as I live and breathe," Kaoru whispered. "I must say... based on what I've been hearing about you over the years..." he trailed off a moment as he blatantly looked his form up and down. "..I didn't expect to see you before me again.. like this, rookie." He sighed, releasing him. He placed his hands behind his back and began to circle Kakashi like a predator; like a buyer looking over his future purchase.
His piercing eyes turned to Sakura when he stopped. "So..." he began as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "You've brought me the legendary Copy Nin, Haruno-san... "
Sakura said nothing, but she kept her eyes on him.
"I just have a few questions, dear," he explained, his voice leading. "You see, from my reports, Hatake Kakashi returned to active shinobi status when he was twenty." He reached out as he stepped around Kakashi to his left side. He poked his upper arm. "He was also once ANBU...Odd.." he seemed to murmur to himself, frowning as his eyes narrowed.
"You also have failed to shackle him in chakra suppressing bracers." He walked around to his back as he said this, flicking the rope ties about his wrists. "Somehow.." he went on, "I can't fathom a young woman, shinobi or not, actually having that much control over the legendary Copy Nin...
"Explain," he ordered before her.
Sakura noted when he said this final word, the occupants of the room either faded to the shadows or drew in closer, making motion to reach for their weapons. She licked her lips and glanced over at Kakashi, her gaze made hard as to not seem as though she were really looking to him for answers.
She didn't know all of what was going on here. But she knew when she'd been found out. The only thing that was going to solve this was some quick thinking.
Nervousness was shaking her insides. She been prepared to deal out the cover story. Knowing what to say had given her courage and confidence. But this... trying to work her moving mind between fear to come up with a totally new answer as to why her 'prisoner' looked like that...
"Bluff them out," Kakashi's voice echoed in her head as the memory of a time during her sixth month training flashed before her eyes.
"What?" Sakura asked, sitting across from him, campfire between. Evening had long set in around them both.
"You asked, I answered."
"Yeah, I know... but can you do that in that sort of scenario?"
Kakashi sighed as he cleaned the fish with a cooking knife, wiping scales on a small hand towel he'd brought with him. "You'll agree that the one with most power or knowledge wins, right?"
"Right.."
"If you're in a situation with someone you know to be far more powerful than yourself, someone who looks to hold all the cards and know all the answers... you just ruffle your pretty feathers."
"Feathers.." her nose brow furrowed in confusion.
Kakashi set aside his work to focus on her. His good eye locked on her two as he explained, "You would agree that in nature there are defensive mechanisms in some animals to fend larger, bigger predators , right?"
"Of course." What was he going on about?
"Take the male peacock for example. Beautiful, right?"
"Very."
He nodded. "When a predator encroaches on his territory, or another male peacock during mating season, what does he do?"
".... he shows his feathers and ruffles them..." she said, mind starting to process what he was getting at.
He nodded, smirking. "Exactly. He makes himself look bigger, stronger and better than his enemy. He deceives the opponent and tricks him into backing down, into thinking he doesn't have a chance in hell."
"Alright, I can agree to that; but it still doesn't help explain--."
"Anyone can do the same thing. You bluff the enemy out. Make them think you've got the bigger balls and they don't have a chance in hell. They will if you do it with enough conviction. But, you have to believe it yourself."
She took the information in, nodding as she filed it away and he handed her a fish.
"Now, eat up before it gets cold... "
Sakura smirked at her sudden epiphany. Time for you to depend on me, Kakashi, she whispered in her mind, I don't know what's going on; but I'll get us out of this. She could. She knew it'd be by the skin of her teeth; but, it was worth a try. In the end, if she failed, well... she'd just fight tooth and nail to get them out of there.
She ripped her gaze from Kakashi and looked on the leader. "You're questions are valid ones; but, before that.. you're name?"
His careful gaze never faltered. "You may call me Kaoru-sama."
She nodded. "Kaoru-sama, do you know of Tsunade?"
"The Slug Princess?" he chuckled, smirking. "Everyone knows of the Sanin and the Hokage."
Her ams crossed over her chest. "I was her apprentice." She smiled sinfully, showing her arrogance. "I'm ex ANBU now, Kaoru-sama. I don't need to use bracers on Kakashi to keep him in line." She knew it wasn't the best bluff; but she was just waiting for someone to test her ability.
"A bold claim..." he murmured.
"Furthermore, I'm not stupid. To keep the hunter nin from tracking me, as soon as I was safely away from the village, I removed all evidence that he'd had once been anything but a civilian prisoner.
"After all, they'd be looking for a man in shinobi garb---not a dirty criminal. It helped save on chakra to only henge myself." Kami, she hoped it sounded believable enough for him.
He stared at her for a long time and no one moved to test her claims. No one spoke a word in the room as he appeared to simply look through her. Could he see her lies? Could he see through her false arrogance?
"Very well."
She jolted out of her thoughts.
"For now, I find your claim to have merit. I'll have someone show you to a room. You will stay there with Kakashi until I call for you. Go against my wishes and I'll have you killed, Haruno-san.
"Leave my presence," he murmured, waving his hand as someone, indeed, came forward and ushered them away. Sakura kept a tight hold on Kakashi's arm as a young woman in a shabby kimono showed them the way down a hall.
Sakura's eyes lingered only a moment on Kaoru before she turned those now concerned, shaking eyes to her Taichou. His face was blank, his eyes hollow and he looked like the living dead.
Just what in the hell was going on here?
She didn't see the smile creeping along Kaoru face, sinful and devious as he watched them go.
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AN :: I hope this chapter answered all your questions. Also, just for reference, the long series of flashbacks were not just from Kakashi's point of view or meant to be assumed that he saw them; although he certainly did see some of them when he I said he did in the present parts of the chapter. They were written out as though, you, the reader were going back into his past and seeing it all happen. I know this happens in movies. Sometimes the flashbacks are not really from anyone's point of view--there just there to help fill in the gaps.
Originally, they were going to be just from Kakashi's POV and he was going to relive them like they were shown; however, It was important the readers see that his Taichou did what he did not out of insanity or his bloodline limit. He did it out of sever pain, grief and anger. I wanted you all to see the reality--that sometimes people with very best of intentions, good people, do horrible things. There is no such thing as an evil person in real life, just evil deeds. We call people evil; but we do so because of what they have done.
I'll emphasize this as well: Kaoru did not lose his mind--his grip on reality--until he took a step back from what he'd done to Kakashi--someone he loved with all his heart--bloodied.. lifeless...and realized just what he'd sewn. For him, there was just no going back halfway through. And when he finished he just couldn't process his actions.
If you guys have any questions about the things that occurred in the flashbacks, feel free to ask and leave me a way to reply. I'll do my best.
Now, to move on, I know many of you are shocked. Hell, some of you might be in tears if I did my job correctly. I wanted you to be shocked, hurt and filled with sorrow. I want this chapter to make you feel what Kakashi felt.
This sort of thing happens to people everyday. The majority of this occurs with people the victim knows and trusts. That's why it happens so easily and that's why it's so hard for rape victims to deal with. They can't really grasp the one person in the world they loved and trusted most doing this to them.
Kakashi is every victim of these type of rape situations.
Forgive me if I hurt you or upset you; but, I won't apologize for being true to my writing. Thank you for reading. I hope you continue to.
--Blade