6. Alien Network News part 2
"Their names are George and Gracie," Control Freak gladly orated as he gestured towards the living mantis puppets. "Coined nicknames from the original crew of 'Nest of the Crawling Terror'. They originally wanted to hire Ray Harryhausen to make the giant insects in stop-motion-animation, but due to budget restraints they used these beauties instead. It's amazing what a talented, obese hand and about a pound of green rubber can do!"
Cyborg and I stared in horror. The puppet insects were hardly puppets anymore. Their mandibles shined with serrated glory and their gangly legs twitched with bloodlusting claws.
Control Freak spun his remote in his grasp: the source of his transmogrifying, monster-summoning power. "Let me remind you that they're six legged antiquities! Over a billion yen each--or whatever is an expensive numbers over there. Mr. Kobayashi spared no expense in purchasing them out of storage. Imagine the look on his face to see them mugging him for his very own wallet! Or even his jugular vein! HA!"
"Okay, Freak. Enough games. What's this all about anyways?" Cyborg waved.
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING!!?" the tyrannical trekkie cackled. "Everything in this office…everything in this room…EVERYTHING IN THIS TOWER IS PRICELESS. And it deserves more than to just sit around and collect dust! I may be breaking Prime Directive, but I'm willing to donate every and all functional technologies to breathe light into these long-forsaken golems of Hollywood!! Ah ha ha ha ha!!"
"It's an issue of property, man." Cyborg frowned. "You can't just go and steal it, no matter how 'alive' you make these things with that souped up Clicker of yours!"
"Pffffft!" Control Freak stuck his tongue out. "For Cardassia's sake, I've got a 40 gig hard drive on my computer full of mp3s and theatrical screeners. Property is not a word in my vocabulary!" He smiled, spun his remote, and leapt down from the rafters and landed on the huge oak desk.
Cyborg readied his rifle and I unsheathed Myrkstaff.
"Now don't go into Red Alert just yet…," he grinned. "I"m freeing these relics from their vintage prisons. And you're not gonna stand in my way. After all, I'm doing it for their own good, and anything you do to stop me would just hurt them ALL THE MORE!"
"No overpriced bug mittens are gonna keep us from throwing you back in the cell where you belong, punk!" Cyborg shouted.
I grinned at that and looked over at Control Freak.
The mantises buzzed in mid-air as the rotund villain grinned and said somewhat cooly under his morbid breath: "There is yet a final frontier" He brought a pudgy finger down over an orange button on his remote.
Suddenly, the huge paper wall drop behind the desk slid up; revealing a veritable museum piece of spaceship models, alien body costumes, set pieces, and various other memorabilia that even Cyborg and I could recognize at first glance.
My android companion blinked and limply lowered his rifle halfway. "Whoah…"
"Whoah is right. Let's test out your Total Recall, Mr. Android, shall we? The last time the Titans and I went through fisticuffs, it was inside a lousy junkpile of a movie rental store. I bet y'all were just peachy keen in destroying whatever animated monstrosity I spontaneously conjured up from our surroundings. But these things you see here are all part of Mr. Kobayashi's personal collection. They ain't no two-bit cardboard stand or stack of VHS tapes. They're pieces of Hollywood history measuring up to $5 million bucks each! In fact, I wouldn't doubt if the whole array of goodness here exceeds five hundred million in American dollars!"
He began clicking his remote repeatedly. Each costume, each model, each prop, each puppet glowed bright green and came to life in one fashion or another as Cyborg and I watched, dumbfounded. Some objects sprouted legs and evil mouths. Some just animated themselves as well as they logically could; spaceship engines turned on and rubber monster suits marched forth on sinewy legs.
"You can bet your bottom Ferengi bar that each one will give you nothing but hell till you up and leave this place so I can accomplish my goals. Feel free to beat 'em up and trash them as much as you destructively-minded Titans love to do! Not only will it mean the loss of millions of dollars, but just think how Mr. Kobayashi would feel upon returning to work? I'm sure his national pride will be hurt, so you can just imagine him tossing all of American JCN Broadcasting into the fire along with at least five cross-country cable companies that the billionaire didn't even give a darn about in the first place! The economic repercussions of his bruised ego would shake the entire Western Hemisphere and sooner than you know it, you and your friends will be pulling part time jobs at every McDonalds, Taco Bell, and Krystal from here to the International Date Line! And it'll all be because you decided to tear loose on these menaces just for the sake of stopping a measly, Stargate SG-1 recording, gobstopper whore like me."
He pressed another button on his controller.
"YOU THINK IT'S WORTH IT?!?!"
The two mannequins with Japanese armor came to life. They unsheathed their katanas and led the pack in a slow, treacherous march towards us. Advancing.
"It's Round One, Titans," Control Freak grinned and planted his hands on his hips. "Show me what you've got! I dare ya!"
Cyborg and I found ourselves being approached by a literal phalanx of samurai warriors, drooling mantises, a Mobster, Gamera, an X-Wing, a blue-fluorescent outfit from Tron, and Alf.
Ever felt like a nightmare came true?
"Uhm……Noir?" Cyborg gulped as a sweatdrop came down his temple. Both he and I took an uneasy step back. "Remember what Robin and I taught you about fighting in the field?"
I tentatively nodded.
"Remember what we said about giving all your 'macho best' in pummeling the enemy?"
Again, I nodded.
"Screw it all and fight like a girl!!!!!!!!!!!" Cyborg yelled as the monsters jumped us.
I looked straight ahead. I saw both samurai armors charging at me. I saw their shiny katanas glistening in light from the memorabilia display.
I bit my lip…then sighed.
And sheathed Myrkstaff.
SWOOSH!!
They swung at me simultaneously.
I jumped out of their attack and no sooner found myself being charged by Gamera with his huge turtle claws. I grabbed his shoulders and flipped over and suddenly faced the Mobster mannequin. He punched me square in the shades. I fell back and saw Alf flying down--fat feet first. I rolled to the side and got to my knees. I gasped and ducked a low-flying katana of one warrior, then rolled forward to avoid the vertical swipe of the second. An X-Wing flew overhead, firing a trail of blasters at my position. I glanced up at the rafters, charged up murk, and catapulted myself upward in a blur so that I perched high above the scene in momentary safety.
"Crud!!" Cyborg shouted, being cornered on all sides by mantises, samurai, and aliens. "Crud….crudcrudcrudcrudcrudcrudCRUD!!"
He had no way out. I spotted the door. I crouched into position just as the X-Wing zoomed behind me and started blasting lasers. In midfire, I blurred diagonally downward, caught Cyborg by the chest, and shoved the two of us through the paper sliding doors and onto the balcony with a THUD!
The other Titans—finished with their rounds—had long gathered in the spacious lounge below. They glanced up at us in shock.
"Cyborg! Noir!! You guys okay?!"
Cyborg grunted.
I waved emphatically.
"What is it?!" Starfire hovered upwards. "What are you trying to tell us—ZAP!!!!"
A stray blast laser bounced off the Tamaranian's head, leaving a slight trail of singed, smoking hair. Her eyes blinked wide green for a second or two before she snapped out of it and remarked numbly, "Do giant insects have a warrant to carry firearms?"
SMASH!!!
I turned around and looked with a gasp. A wave of new monsters had burst through the wall after us.
Suddenly, Cyborg was on his feet beside me. He braced himself as Gamera flew in out of nowhere and bore down on his figure. The two performed a dramatic, high wire wrestling act along the edge of the balcony.
I got up to help—but then the two samurai armors caught sight of the one opponent carrying a blade and approached me with katanas raised high. I paced myself cautiously, watching their every movement. One swung at me. I danced to the right, letting the blade sink into the balcony railing. The other armor charged me with the point of his sword first. I backflipped onto a solid part of the balcony and then leapt over them in full stretch, rolling on the ground behind them and standing up—only to be face to face with drooling mandibles.
A green mantis puppet latched onto my face and yanked its serrated mouth towards my nose. I gripped its cranium at the last second, gritting my teeth and struggling against the green creature as its partner hissed and hovered around my ears. There was a set of footsteps behind me, and I remembered the samurai. I squatted on the ground—missing two simultaneous, horizontal swings of the katanas from behind—and then rolled backwards with a jump, during which I also tossed the mantis off at full force.
Half a second into my flight, I realized I had jumped over the side of the balcony…
I gasped and reached my hand up as high as I could. YANK! I grabbed onto the bottom of the overhang. The samurai and mantises leered over me. I heard a rush of engines and glanced to my precarious left to see an oncoming X-Wing with blasters firing. While fired at, I grunted and swung my legs up into the balcony, blurred my feet, and twirled back up and flipped onto the balcony again. In mid flip I dodged two blades and a shrieking mandible. I landed against the one solid piece of the paper door left, blurred again, and leapt off it; smashing the structure to pieces. I landed on the railing of the escalator and slid down; my boots making sparks all the way. And I wasn't alone, for the two living pieces of samurai armor were sliding down with me—one on either side. They swung and swung and swung and swung their katanas, and amidst the sparkling descent into the lounge I had to duck, hop, flip from rail to rail, and block their forearms in order to keep my head intact.
When we reached the bottom, I jumped off the escalator rails, leapt directly upwards, flipped, and bicycle kicked the two armors upside down, firmly enough to shove them away without too grandiose injuries to their condition.
But no sooner did I land that a charging green rhino shoved off one samurai warrior and a righteous starbolt deflected another.
I gasped and shook my arms and head in a huge conglomeration of the frantic message: "NO!!!!"
"Noir, what's going on?! What is all this?!" Robin asked.
I waved. I pointed. I gestured. I sweat.
Raven lifted an eyebrow. "Couldn't you have done that before we came here?"
I fumed.
The X-Wing dove down, blasters ready.
"Allright….this chaos ends here," Robin growled and readied a fan of explosive birdarangs which he aimed at the approaching prop.
I about had a heart attack.
"NOOOOO!!" Cyborg wailed from above.
Robin nearly pratfalled. He glanced upward at the balcony. "Cyborg?!"
Cyborg fought the giant costume of turtle meat. "Don't….harm….a….single….hair….on…their….head….ugh….dammit! Hold on!" He elbowed Gamera in the soft belly and shoved him off before leaping over the balcony and sliding down a support pillar with more or less grace.
The X-Wing came soaring down at us.
Starfire prepared an anti-air strike while Beast Boy looked at Robin for a command.
"Whatever you do…don't destroy it!"
"You've got to be kidding…," Raven mumbled.
"Just do your shield! Now!"
Raven's eyes glowed a pale gray. A wall of obsidian rose from the ground just in time to block the upcoming blastfire from the X-Wing so that it zoomed over, unsuccessful.
Beast Boy was just about done flinching from the assault when he asked, "What's this all about?"
"Yes, Cyborg, why can't we eliminate these items of confusion and misery?"
"You wanna be flipping burgers for the rest of your life, Star??"
Starfire blinked.
Cyborg looked at Robin. "It's Control Freak! He's taken control of all these crazy things! But they're not just normal office décor. They're Hollywood memorabilia worth more than you can shake a stick at!"
"They're priceless soldiers for the creative cause!!" Control Freak chanted from atop the escalator as he scowled down at us with a grin. "That's what they are! And nuts to you if you try to hurt any single one of them!"
"How much money are we talking about here, Cyborg?" Robin asked, fists clenching.
Cyborg whispered in his ear.
Robin's fists stopped clinching. He cleared his throat. "Ahem……Titans….um….eliminate….er….with care."
"………." Everyone stared.
"Can you be more specific?" Beast Boy asked.
WHOMP!!
Gamera landed. Tron flipped and stood beside him. The Mobster pulled out a Tommy Gun and took aim while Alf struck a pose and the X-Wing hovered down with two mantises and the samurai armors rose again to meet the challenge all as one chaotic body.
Robin sweatdropped. "Let's just start with staying sane."
The Mobster fired off its Tommy Gun.
The Titans shrieked and headed each and every other way in escape from bullet fire. Beast Boy ran into a dashing samurai figure which swiftly swung at the elusive changeling in hopes of severing a nose, beak, or snout. Robin backflipped and found himself going head to head with an amazingly acrobatic Tron costume. Raven had her hands full of mantises while Starfire bumped into an annoying X-Wing. Gamera—of course—went after Cyborg again, and me? I had the other samurai and Control Freak's laughter.
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!" he cackled, lackadaisically sauntering down the height of the escalator as we all rapidly fought for our lives….and our allowances. "Bend their ears a little, why don't ya?! Twist a nose and pinch a cheek! It won't do no difference when the collateral shows up on your bill!!!"
Robin growled to himself. "I hate to think of it, but he's right…" He flipped the Tron outfit over him.
The living costume landed on a 'knee', stood up, and suddenly unsheathed the discus from its back. Its neckhole glared at Robin ominously (if that's even possible).
"Wuh oh," the Boy Wonder gulped.
WOOOOSH!! The blue discus trailed straight at our hero.
Robin whipped out a grappling hook and shot blindly behind him. It amazingly contacted the ceiling, and he pulled himself at a speed no greater than the incoming blue sprite that was eating at his legs with murderous velocity. Robin passed the center of his swing and came into contact with the glass windows of the huge lounge. He parted his legs just in time for the discus to come in contact with the smooth surface with a blue FlASH. The object rebounded, flew off, and came back at Robin again. The Boy Wonder's feet went to work, trailing him along the side of the window. FLASH! He trailed right, twirled on the grappling cord. FLASH! He jumped and flipped—holding onto the cord with one hand. FLASH! Again and again he dodged. The last time the discus flew at him, he whipped out his rod and deflected the object back—but then regretted it as he saw the inherent speed the object was making in returning to its host….and the inevitable damage it would cause.
"Ha ha ha!!" Control Freak chattered, halfway down the escalator. "It's a long, hard drive to first base!"
"Raven!" Robin called from high above. "I need a Catcher!"
Raven looked behind her shoulder amidst Mantising and spotted the trouble at hand. She extended a free wrist: "Azzarath…Metrion…ZINTHOS!!"
A shield of dark energy circled around the Tron outfit, and the blue discus merely bounce off.
Robin let out a sigh of relief—that is until a certain green mantis flew up and chew the cord out from above him. The boy fell—yelling—all the way down to the floor of the lounge. Thankfully, a quickly diving Starfire snatched him up with millimeters to spare.
"Whew…thanks Star," Robin simpered.
Starfire smiled at the boy in her arms. "I believe this is one of those opportune moments when Earthlings say: 'I draw the relaxingly pointed angles of my fingernails across your back/You draw the relaxingly pointed angles of your fingernails across mine!'"
BLAM!!!
An X-Wing blast caught her heavily in the side. Both teenagers went tumbling hard on the ground amidst a pile of smoking ashes. They moaned and saw stars right as the spacecraft made its attack run.
"Stay on target!" the appropriately flat Control Freak ecstatically warbled, reaching the bottom of the escalator.
Beast Boy dodged the swipes of the samurai armor's katana just a few feet off. Every opportune moment he had, he feathered up into a bird to hover over his assailant, or dropped down into a snake to circle around him and dodge the serrated blade. But just then he heard the laugh of the ultimate villain and sensed the X-Wing's descent on his grounded friends and knew he had to take action. He glanced up and saw a banner announcing an 'Employee Appreciation Day' two weeks from now and had an idea. As the set of armors once again swung at him with a sword, the changeling switched into a crocodile in mid-leap and bit onto the broadside of the katana, yanking it out of the samurai's grasp while falling. He then turned into a kangaroo and leapt-carried the blade over in front of the the X-Wing, morphed into a spider monkey, gripped the hilt of the blade with his tail, and slingshotted it straight to the supports of the banner—which promptly fell over the approaching X-Wing.
Blinded, the spacecraft abandoned its attack run on Robin and Starfire and took to the skies---er—ceiling.
The katana fell and embedded itself into the ground a few feet away.
"You guys okay?!" Beast Boy asked, crouching down by his partners in elf form.
"Yes, I am," Robin dusted himself off. "Starfire?"
"Yes Mother?"
"………Beast Boy, go snatch that weapon away while I check on Starfire."
"Aye!" Beast Boy ran over to the sword. He reached down towards it, but suddenly saw a furred hand pick it up and get into fighting position. "Huh?!" Beast Boy's eyes bugged out and he sank to the ground. "Oh Mother Mary!"
Alf brandished the katana, let out a cry, and spun his whole midget body forward at the green elf's prone figure. Beast Boy scooted away, katana metal striking every which place his toes just were.
"ALF WITH A SAMURAI SWORRRRRRD!!!!" Beast Boy zoomed past Robin, clutching his head in horror.
Robin looked up. "Huh?! Ah jeez." He abandoned Starfire, produced his staff, and blocked Alf's sudden banzai attack.
CLANK!! CLANK! WHANG!!
Alf let out a warcry and spun Yoda-style over Robin, sword spinning.
Robin twirled and landed to the ground with one knee-blocking the heaviest of the t.v. show alien's blows.
"My, Mother…when did you get so hairy?" a dazed Starfire grinned, her eyes swirling.
"RRRRRGHYA!!!" Robin struck hard against Alf's blade, sending the creature soaring fifty miles per hour towards the fragile windows of the lounge.
The Boy Wonder gasped and once again summoned Raven. "Raven!! We could use you again about now!!"
Raven was in the middle of trying to shake a rabid mantis off her boot. She turned around, fumed, and stretched out a hand. "Azzarath Metrion Zinthos!!"
The windows turned into blackness, warbled with the contact of Alf, and bounced him so that he fell a short distance to the ground.
But the katana appeared skewered straight through him.
Beast Boy and Robin gasped.
Alf stood up and flexed its arms. The katana dropped down from where it had innocently been caught between its elbow and ribcage.
Beast Boy and Robin sighed in relief.
"Hehehe…," Starfire grinned. "Nice Mommy! I give it ten earth points!"
"Dude," Beast Boy sweatdropped. "You gotta do something about her…"
WHAM!!!
Cyborg slid into the scene, pushing off a charging Gamera. "You guys gotta do something about THIS!!!! RRRRRAAAAUGH!!"
Gamera roared and threatened to snap off its wrestler's head.
Beast Boy and Robin joined in—yanking and prying away at Gamera's limbs with every inch of their scrawny figures at work. At a random moment, Beast Boy was crouched on Cyborg's shoulder, trying to push Gamera's mouth away, when he looked across the room, shrieked, and cowardly hugged the face of the very android he was trying to protect.
"DAAAH! BB?!?! What gives?! I can't see!!"
The green changeling was staring straight at an approaching Mobster with its Tommy Gun at ready.
"Here's an offer you can't refuse!" Control Freak said as he walked lazily through the chaos and across the lounge. "A bullet to the brain! Quickest damn cure to insomnia I've ever seen. HA!"
Raven finally shook off the mantis and saw the cowering targets entangled with Gamera and ready to become Swiss Cheese. "Mmmmmm," she glared. "Must I do everything *myself*?!" She hovered over with both hands outstretched.
The Mobster shot with wild abandoned.
Raven's eyes glowed. Her fingers twitched.
Every bullet turned into black crystal in mid air. When they impacted with Beast Boy's, Cyborg's, Robin's, and Turtle Meat's body…they shattered into dark dust.
"Well whaddya know?" Control Freak smirked from across the lounge. "A regular expert in bullet time."
"ENOUGH!!" Raven growled and pointed two fingers at his chest from long distance. "These toys are too expensive for you."
Suddenly, Control Freak's remote lifted out from his grasp—enveloped in reflective black—and shattered with a flick of Raven's wrist.
Beast Boy blinked. "Now why didn't we ever think of that before?"
"Maybe because I beat you to it!" Control Freak glared.
Cyborg and Robin gasped. Not necessarily in shock of Control Freak's untouched reaction. The futility of Raven's act spoke itself in the unchanging fury of Gamera's muscles.
"There're a lot more where that came from!" Control Freak whipped open his vest, and about a dozen removes with booster packs hovered out from his apparel and filled the room adjacent to him. "They're all well programmed…and well trained. And not until every single one of them is destroyed will this party stop! Heh…never plan to watch a movie if you can't pre-record it, I always say!"
Raven's face dropped. She grit her teeth stressfully and let out an exhausted breath. "I swear, if there just weren't so many like him already…." The girl soon found her center, readjusted her hood, and levitated threateningly towards the villain. "Then we're just gonna have to interrupt your program….one by one…."
"Pfft…girls," Control Freak folded his arms. "Think they can repair anything. I can't believe we'll be considering you as equals on starships in the Twenty-Fourth Century!"
"YyyyRRRAUGH!" Raven tossed a nearby table and lounge chair at him. They stopped in mid flight—however—due to a swordless samurai set of armor elbowing her in the side. She fell to the ground with a grunt and dodged as the warrior wear stomped down on her—attempting to crush her fragile limbs.
"Starfire!" Robin exclaimed amidst Gamera fighting with Cyborg. "Snap out of it!! You've got to destroy those remotes!"
Starfire shook her head. Batted out the cobwebs. And took flight immediately. But as soon as she soared after the rocket-powered remote controls, the X-Wing and mantises were in hot pursuit. The Tamaranian let out a shriek and dodged their attacks as swiftly as she could. Thus began a mid-air cat and mouse game with the alien girl twirling around every assault and tossing Starbolts expertly enough to aim at the remotes and yet still miss the many, violent antiquities coming to life around the embattled lounge.
The entire time, I had been switching between a hide-and-seek game with the armed set of samurai armor and the trigger happy Mobster. In fact, just seconds before Raven's intervention, my half of the lounge room had been riddled with every ounce of bullet you could imagine. It was gonna be a long time before I'd pick up The Untouchables with my friends at the nearest Blockbuster.
Yet, as busily embarrassed I was with an untouchable enemy, I couldn't help but trace Control Freak's movements through the corner of my shades. The entire time the battle went on, he wasn't truly interested in watching. Sure, he made it look like he was interested. But the fact of the matter is that he had an even bigger fish to fry. And I had the feeling such was so from the very get go.
"What's he doing this for?! Did he say?!" Robin exclaimed as he and Beast Boy finally freed Cyborg from Gamera's grasp. The three side-stepped away from the creature and dodged attacks from various other animated foes. "Did he want to take these things home and put them on his freakin' mantle or something?!"
"I dunno! I guess so!" Cyborg panted. "I really don't care, to be honest!"
"Well I do!" Robin grunted, ducking a Tron disc and hopping an Alf kick from the sidelines. "There's gotta be something greater at risk here!"
I looked over amidst blurring under a sword swipe and saw Control Freak before a 'Limited Access' automatic door. He was fiddling with another remote….hacking into security.
Raven saw it too. "He's going for something in there. Go after him! I'll provide backup!"
I nodded. A wall of black formed between me and the samurai armor. I made a mad dash for it across the length of the lounge. I ducked under Starfire and two mantises in pursuit. I leapt over X-Wing blaster fire. I weaved my way through a stare off between a green T-Rex and an unarmed samurai. Finally, I leapt over Cyborg and a giant turtle and dove past Robin and a hairy extraterrestrial before covering the last few feet between me and the door Control Freak entered with a split-second blur of murk.
And was surrounded in darkness.