..Chapter Nineteen..
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The door shut behind Sakura with a soft motion. She waited on to hear the click of a lock; however, when none came, she realized--perhaps--they didn't need one. Her eyes narrowed a brief moment as her mind when into strategy mode and she began to look about the room for any signs of eavesdroppers. It was a perfectly natural reaction; or, at least the start of one. However, as she stared on at her motionless sensei's back, all of her thoughts went on halt.
Her eyes softened and she remained as silent as before. He hadn't moved a muscle from his place two paces ahead of her. To the passive eyes he appeared to be just standing there, normal as ever. However, Sakura wasn't just any passive looker-on. She'd known this man almost all of her life. She might not know his past inside and out... but, she knew his body language. This was like nothing she'd ever seen. His stance wasn't lazy, or relaxed and half poised in his own personal breed of readiness. His head wasn't hanging in disinterest. No, his whole body looked unsure of how to stand there. Half his back was taunt. Her partner looked as though he couldn't keep from shaking, that he was just barely able to keep from doing so.
Sakura swallowed as the air in the room felt heavy. She could breathe, but, she couldn't quite feel the urge to do so normally.
Fear?
Was that it?
Her gut coiled and slowly, she took one step forward to him. The sound of her unveiled step echoed in the room, and cut like a knife. It must have not only to her ears. Because, as she moved, his form reflexively tightened. The lines, the planes of what she could just barely see beyond the folds of his shirt, etched a series of flexing, animalistic muscle.
Her hand stopped midair and she gradually pulled it back.
When she released her breath, out of need, it was soundless. Confusion swarmed her senses and overpowered natural thought. She feared if she made another move to touch him he might either react violently or submissively. She wasn't sure what was worse.
She'd only ever seen him like this one time before. Then she'd assumed it had been because he desired her and was trying to fight it. Now.. now it had nothing to do with that. She was sure if she had more time to process this, to think about it clearly, she would be able to deduce just why he was like this; however, worry clouded such processes. Fear and concern made her want to react out of touch.
She swallowed and moved to his front. Her eyes carefully drew to his face. Still, she could see nothing because his eyes were cast down. Cautiously, she took a single step towards him and waited. She waited to see if he would pounce... run... He did none of the aforementioned. Instead, if it were possible, his body became that much more stiff. He looked like a cornered mouse and her heart went out to him.
She reached out and took his face in both of her hands. The shaking worsened and it felt like his whole body was going to crumble from the combination of taunt statuesque form and reverberations of, what she assumed, were fear.
When her eyes met with his, ebony-grey and wide, lost and in a world not of this plane, Sakura realized the man she was looking at was not her teacher. He was not her commander. He was not the shinobi that had bested three rookies years ago with confidence and supreme skill trying desperately to teach them the value of teamwork and human life.
The eyes she looked into before her were like so many others she'd seen in her career. They were the eyes of someone who had lost so much more than a few possessions, so much more than gaining a few surface wounds. They...
As his eyes locked on hers... as she read into the depths of his gaze she felt the air leave her chest. Everything around her became a haze and it was as though th silent hum of a tune ended abruptly.
The soft, cool feeling of air across her damp cheek gave her enough strength to speak.
"My god..." she whispered, eyes going from momentary saucers to soft, painful, half closed orbs of oceanic anguish. "It was you..." she went on, voice cracking, vocal chords shaking. "It was you all along..."
The reality of her own statement hit her. It had never been a team mate. There had never been one. It had been Kakashi all along.
Tears came freely and she felt crushed, swallowed whole, bereft. She just couldn't... comprehension left her. Speech seemed so irrelevant and for once her life, hands that healed, didn't know how. A voice that gave strength to those in her ward, was empty.
He was her sensei, her teacher, her pillar of strength, her commander, her... her Taichou. It was like watching god fall from heaven, looking upon him and seeing nothing but a mortal creature, bared and completely vulnerable.
She couldn't even think the word.
When she would look upon this moment days, weeks, years later, all she would recall feeling was anguish, disbelief, confusion and a tinge of anger.
How... How could a man...
You saw it everyday... Kami knew she use to, in her former main line of work. Women came in everyday. Night and day, they wandered into the ward, filled with secret tears, broken... needing some sort of repair she didn't know how to provide... the same kind she had once needed and knew of so well.
Occasionally, she saw a male patient, mostly young... She was quite sure there were more. They just... didn't talk about it or deal with it... usually.
She'd known, she known the moment he'd pulled down his mask for her, what he'd done. But, this wasn't the same. This look... this wasn't the look of a person who'd been taken advantage of by someone they didn't know... a ghost in their nightmares without a face.
Her eyes shut tightly to his hollowed orbs.
Her hands slid from his face and moved to wrap about him. She embraced him, slowly and tightly. He was still taunt and unmoving, even in her arms. He didn't moved to embrace her; however, he did stop shaking.
She wanted to ask him why he didn't tell her the truth, why he didn't tell her it was him. They seemed stupid, stupid questions though. He'd never lied to her, she realized. He'd never told her who it was. And why would he? Would she have wanted to? Were she in his position would she have given that information freely, even to her most trusted partner?
She recalled how she felt after that mission in Mystic Falls... broken... dirty... unwanted... tarnished...
Few people had the knowledge of what she'd done there. She'd done her best to grow from it and to gain strength from it... to forget.
Kakashi... he was... there were so many words to describe him that just didn't seem to fit. And never, in all her life, had she ever imagined to see him like this... as she had been on that bed in his arms... broken, crying... clipped and shaking. She knew, that moment, he never would have wanted anyone to see him like this--especially his students, his peers. To Konoha, he was a pillar.. a rock.. one of the finest and best the village had to offer up. There was just nothing to compare it to.
Her arms tightened as she felt his head fall to her shoulder, as she felt him release a breath as shaky as her own... as she felt tears on her shoulder, as she felt him grip her in return..
Her hand tangled in his hair, the base of it on his neck, bushy and ashen as he crumpled in her arms and as they both fell to their knees on the floor. She wasn't sure if it was her or if it was just that she was there, holding him, a human body providing comfort; but, she knew he needed her and she held on tight as he soaked her neck and uniform.
He was still the man she loved. He was still her former sensei, the man who protected her, her bleed for her and her team, who nearly died for Konoha countless times over. She, in that moment, knew better than anyone else what this moment felt like. He was still her commander and she would see him no differently. This part of him made him no less of a man or a shinobi than what she had equally endured in Mystic Falls.
She wouldn't let it, she told herself as she forced herself to quit crying. He hadn't cried when she needed him, had he? He'd been strong for her, hadn't he?
"You didn't have to hide this from me, Kakashi..." she whispered finally, not really to him perhaps; but, perhaps more to herself. She wasn't sure if her statement even registered with him. The minutes passed on as she held him. Perhaps even and hour as she let him release his grief on her neck and shoulder, as she allowed his pain and anguish to flow into her.
Time went on and she--silently--waited for him to speak, to tell her anything, to talk, if he would.
When he stood, it wasn't quickly or wholly steady. He just picked himself up off the floor and removed himself from her arms, her body. She watched on, with deeply emotional eyes as he wiped a hand down his face and turned from her. A moment passed before she stood up as well and looked on at his back.
He didn't look near as broken as he had been before; but, she could see things in his natural form she had never really seen before. They way he stood, hunched and lazy... wasn't as wholly confident as she'd analyzed before. His laziness looked more ragged and tired. His body seemed a constant ache and he appeared to carry a weight she only just now saw for the first time with new, knowledge filled eyes.
"Stop it," he whispered, voice filled with a vain attempt of command.
"..." She didn't know how to respond to that. Such a response would normally be akin to a slap in the face. However, now, she saw it as a defensive mechanism.
"Just... stop looking at me with those eyes..."
Silence spanned the room. She didn't know what to say. There weren't words to make it better. And she knew more so than anyone else that there really was no getting better. You dealt with it, you grew from it, you learned to breathe again and not let it control your life. You learned that even though something had beaten you, you didn't have to remain beaten. It was a monster that couldn't control you anymore. Breaking that wall... it wasn't easy, by any means.
She knew this though, there was no way they complete their current mission. Kakashi couldn't do this. Perhaps if that man..
She gathered her strength. "We need to figure out a way to get out of here."
She was surprised when he said, "Why would we do that?" She opened her mouth to speak; but, he was faster. "We have a mission to complete, Sakura."
She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was.. was he serious? "You can't possibly think you're in any condition to actually--."
"Sakura.."
She moved to face him, walking the expanse of the distance between them two. "I know what he did to you, Kakashi," she whispered strongly, angrily. "I--."
"It's irrelevant," he muttered back, not looking at her. "We were told to do a mission and we have to complete it."
"Damnit!" she snapped quietly, trying not to be loud. "That was before we knew who was in charge here! No one would expect you to to do this. In fact, if Rin-sama knew she would have assigned someone else. You know that!"
His hollowed depths swung around to meet hers finally. "And when do you expect we'll get another chance? If we leave now, if we abandon our orders, he'll tighten his walls. We'd be setting the next team up for failure. He'd be expecting it." He paused and looked away.
"I know this man, Sakura... he taught me all of what I know about being ANBU..."
Her hands went for his forearms, thumbs rolling over his bare biceps. Her emerald depths seemed to plead with his own. "I can't let you go through with is. He... he raped you, Kakashi... "
"And what do expect he would have done if I didn't have former experience with him?"
"Yes, but--."
"It doesn't make the situation any different."
"Like hell it does!" she snapped back, releasing him, hands now at her sides open. When he said nothing to her outburst she continued. "When he did what he did to you... it wasn't a mission, was it... Kakashi?"
"..no," he whispered, looking at the wall.
"You weren't prepared to deal with what any shinobi is taught to do in this situation. You won't be... He already has that on you. Tell me, how do you plan on getting close to him if you can't even move... if you can't think beyond fear?"
"I have to do this," he replied.
"We can find another way, Kakashi." she held fast. "Konoha can find another way."
"You don't understand, Sakura. I can't let anyone else do this."
She felt like screaming at him. She felt like slapping him, hitting him, beating some sense into him. He wasn't hearing her, though. He wouldn't. To keep her festering, anguish-laden temper in check she turned from him. But he didn't let her. His hand was about her wrist in a second.
"You don't know what he's like, Sakura. Don't blame me for my decision." She could feel his eyes boring into her, holding her in place even if she wasn't looking at him, even as her back faced him.
"Then tell me," she whispered, trying not to cry because she knew what he was going to face... what he was sentencing himself to. She couldn't imagine going back to her rapist... The very idea made her want to run in the other direction, claw at walls, gnaw her own hand off--anything but that.
"Come with me," he asked, tugging on her.
She hesitated only a moment before aquiesting. She nodded and turned to face the same direction he did. She followed as he led her to the bed and sat down. She took a seat next to him.
"I'm going to start at the beginning... before Kaoru..." He exhaled and looked on at a wall across the room, his head tilted slightly upward. His eyes were distant and moving back... back through time.
"During the Third War my father was someone the village greatly admired. He was someone I aspired to being just like. My admiration for him knew no limits and my mother's love for him knew no equal bounds. We were happy despite all the time he was away...
"When I was four I started my Academy studies and my father did something that, at that time, was considered the largest of shinobi crimes. He returned from a mission, a failure. It was not that he failed that caused the village to treat him as they would a fungus... but, it was that he'd chosen to save his comrades, his team mates, instead of finishing his duty...
"I hated him for that, Sakura. So much that I donned a mask to hide my shame, the shame he brought on his family, his son and wife. When he committed suicide no one thought any less of him and considered it a way to regain his honor. My mother, though... she couldn't bear it. In her grief, she whittled away to nothing and died shortly after I graduated the Academy.
"My parent's will decreed that in the event of their death their best friend and my sensei would to take over my care until I became a man. You know him as the Fourth Hokage. Minato was with me for many years until his death. No matter how much he tried to teach me the value of life and teamwork I didn't truly learn until ... my foolishness ended in the death of a team mate.
"His name of Uchiha Obito. He wanted to save our female comrade, Rin. He ran off to save her. Eventually, I realized he'd been right. But, it was too late. We didn't form a plan and in the end we lost him.
"He left me with his eye and Rin... but, I couldn't really give her what she wanted. I stayed with her for a time before I left the team to join ANBU. I didn't feel like I was good enough to protect her--to protect anyone. I wanted ANBU to make me able to do so..."
Sakura didn't want to interrupt him, rapt as she was; but, she asked without thinking, "And that was when you met Kaoru..?"
He nodded. "He was was like no other shinobi I'd met before... " He paused, shut his eyes briefly and continued. "In battle he was decisive and adapted easily. You would never hear him coming. He'd completely mastered the ability to be undetected by normal means. Outside of battle... " he smiled briefly, "he was a good listener. He smiled in a way that made everyone around him feel at ease... He... he was a good man... once..."
"What happened?" she asked, perplexed.
Kakashi sighed. "I didn't have much experience with physical touch then. Even at that age I was far more concerned with becoming a better ninja than creating a real relationship with anyone, even a woman. I didn't have much experience with love even after I started the seduction missions...
"My team and many others didn't get the benefit of the seduction training while in lockdown. We had other things that took the place of that training. The village pencil pushers, the council, thought it best to put that training off until later... what a mistake that was," he muttered.
"What do you mean?"
"Usually, what happens in lockdown, stay there, Sakura. Had we done it earlier, before we began to know one another and operate as a team... it wouldn't have mattered. But, when we did our training... much later... we were already friends. I admired Kaoru. And when we started that training... as inexpereinced as I was... it turned to more."
She swallowed, recalling what he said that night she chased after him. "You fell in love with him..."
"I did..."
"Wait... did he.."
"Love me in return? Yes. But, it was too late to do anything about it once we finally confessed to one another."
"Then why..." This was much more complicated than she imagined. Why would Kaoru do such a thing if he'd been in love with her former sensei?
"Kaoru has a special bloodline technique. His whole family has it. They did... he was the last. Konoha didn't exactly bother the clan to continue on..."
"Why..?"
"The technique is based on human pheromones. Desire... It takes almost nothing to activate and use it. He doesn't need hand signals or words. It's just like turning on the Sharingan. In short... it's a dangerous thing for any village to have. With it he can get anyone to do what he wants when he wants them to do it.
"Kaoru, like all of his family, would eventually lose control over it. The bloodline technique increases in intensity as he ages. In the span of a few weeks it changes everything about him... and turns him into the man we now see..."
"Is that why he..?"
Kakashi shook his head. "No."
"Then..."
"Kaoru was under order to come in for an exam once a month or after every mission. During his last exam doctors determined he had about three weeks before he'd lose control over it. They gave him three days to say goodbye to his loved ones and friends before he would be ordered into something of an intensive care facility for the rest of his life...
"It was then I told him I loved him. The next day... he showed up on my doorstep. He was a mess... Someone leaked the information about him... a nurse.. who knows. We never found out. But, Konoha, it's citizens who didn't know any better... friends... alienated him. People shut their doors to him and ran from him. No one would speak to him out of fear.
"He wanted to leave Konoha and become a missing nin. He wanted me to come with him. He wanted to try and beat it on his own and he wanted my help."
"And you didn't go..." she whispered.
"No.." he breathed out, closing his eyes. His lips made a flat line. "He tried to persuade me another way.... I tried to stop him... I just..."
She took his hand, curling her fingers into his own and waited for him to continue.
"Rin stayed with me for a long time after that... she tried to help."
"Were you and she..?"
He shook his head. "No. I think she was more concerned for me than about doing anything like that... No," he answered and turned to look at her, eyes expansive and revealing. "All of my seduction missions required me to sleep with men Sakura. Women aren't generally interested in a boyish face. And after Kaoru I wasn't the least bit interested in sex."
"But, Icha Icha--."
"An outlet.. it was given to me by my counselor as a parting gift in the hopes that it might help."
Sakura paused, digesting this information slowly. "Are you saying..." She felt her face heat up.
"Funny isn't it?" He laughed bitterly. "The man Konoha labels the village pervert has only ever had sex with one woman." No one said anything for a moment and he took the opportunity to look away from her and continue. "Do you understand now why I can't back out of this? He's a dangerous man, Sakura. I can't let him do what he did to me to anyone else. We have to end it here."
"Don't you see my side of it as well? You have feelings for him."
"I don't love him anymore, Sakura."
"Even if you don't love him.. what he did to you he did when you were ..vulnerable. He was someone you trusted. He has the home advantage here and that just makes it worse. Did you see yourself in there a moment ago?" She motioned to the door, indicating the 'throne room'. "How are you going to find a weakness in his movements and schedule when you're too busy trying to control your own fear?"
"I was surprised back there... I didn't expect it to be him... I can do this. I will. We're not leaving."
Her hand squeezed his own. "Kakashi... I would do anything for you... anything you asked... but what you are asking me to do now... " she shook her head.
"I need to do this, Sakura. For me," he whispered as he cupped her cheek. "I've never been able to really let go of what he did to me. You know what it's like to be haunted..."
"And I overcame it, Kakashi. You--."
"It's different for you, Sakura. You didn't know him. It wasn't someone you trusted... you loved. What he took from you you gave back to yourself. The only way I'm going to get back what he took from me is to do this. Don't ask me not to."
Slowly, begrudgingly, she nodded. She didn't want to... she didn't want to agree to any of it. But, she understood what he meant. She couldn't imagine someone doing that to her, someone like Kakashi. "On one condition," she whispered. "You don't do anything without talking to me first. We're a team and I don't want your emotions getting the better of you."
He nodded, releasing her.
"You do realize after tonight you'll probably be in his bed chambers much of the time? Did you see the way he looked at you in there.?"
"Yes, I know." It wasn't something he was looking forward to. "We already figured that before the mission. We'll have to meet when we can."
"Kakashi..." she placed her hand on his forearm gently. "What I meant was... this might be the last time for a while that I have you with me like this... " she squeezed. "I..."
He turned to face her. It took him a moment to process what she was trying to say, to ask of him.
"We still don't have to--."
"Shh," he said as placed a finger over her mouth.
Sakura closed her eyes when he removed his finger and replaced it with his lips, soft and willing. The kiss was slow, languid and teasing. Her tongue slid into his mouth and before long clothes, much like in the inn, were shed. This time he was on top of her, touching her, tasting her, caressing her.
Her hands moved over his toned back, her fingers digging into his buttocks only a moment before he began to move down her body. She gasped when his mouth wrapped about a nipple, tongue flicking. his hot breath fanned across her stomach before he went lower still. When he blew that same breath over her labia, her clit she cried out softly. Then his lips were on her, lapping and teasing. His fingers moved with the motion of her body as she climbed towards her peak. When she came crashing down he was right there, holding her and filling her with his length.
His mouth was on hers. She returned that kiss as she arched to meet his thrusts, grinding her clit against his pelvic bone for friction.
"Sakura," he whispered against her neck as she curled her fingers into his nape, his hair.
"Don't stop," she whispered, her insides tightening once more as her head drew back and her breasts pressed against his chest.
"Kami..." he breathed, thrusting harder as he pulled back from her. His ashen strands fell about her face, caressing her cheeks and forehead. As he looked down at her, blushing and sweating, into her emerald depths that seemed to now resemble the tides of the ocean... "You're beautiful," he breathed.
"I love you," she replied before she arched once again and cried out in bliss as she tightened about him.
It was too much for Kakashi, seeing her like that as her warmth became painfully tight about his member. He lost himself in her eyes, her body, her words and release flooded his system. Never before had anything been so wonderful...
AN :: Sorry the update took so friggin long. I've been busy. It's Christmas, ya know? Close too it. I've been shopping, cooking and cleaning like a mad woman. We got a tree this year and I had to help decorate that. Plus, I've been filing stuff for school in the spring. I'm all done with that mess, thank kami. Now all I have to do it wait for my financial aid to process.
I love you guys for waiting, not that you had much choice. ^,^;;; I really didn't mean to take so long. Anyway, I'm gonna go check my inbox now, as I'm sure it's overflowing with reviews from the last chapter and messages to update.
--Blade