Chapter 17: Noteworthy News
MASSIVE CHANGES AT HOGWARTS!
In a surprise early morning raid, the DMLE have arrested Mr. Ogden, Mr. Pierce and Mrs. Edgecombe, three of the four Hogwarts Board members named in our scoop yesterday, on charges of fraud and interference with children's education. Mr. Malfoy was already in custody for his role as a death eater in what is now popularly known as the 'Battle of the Ministry of Magic' in which the newly reincarnated Dark Lord made an appearance. Thus four out of the 8 board members of Hogwarts are under Auror custody.
The rest of the Hogwarts board members met yesterday along with the Ministry of Magic to elect new members and enact new policies. The sorting hat was used to screen the existing members and the potential candidates. The new board members chosen were Ms. Rosemerta Stranton (Owner, The Three Broomsticks), Mr. Timothy Altwater (Ministry of Magic), Mr. Amos Diggory (Ministry of Magic) and Ms. Petunia Crouch Evans (President, POMS - see article below). The board members passed new regulations on financial accountability and improvement of teaching standards. The board has abolished the earlier tuition strategies and has proposed a 1,600 galleons/year tuition for all students irrespective of their blood status. Ms. Petunia Crouch Evans stated that scholarships and educational loans were available at Gringotts for financially challenged students.
All the staff at Hogwarts including the Headmaster and the caretaker were subjected to the sorting hat screening test. Professor Snape (Potions), Professor Babbage (Muggle Studies), Professor Binns (History of Magic) and Professor Trelawney (Divination) were asked to hand in their resignation from their teaching posts. Professor Hagrid, Madam Hooch, Madam Pince, Mr. Filch and Madam Pompfrey were placed on probation based on their attitude towards either their subject or students. The board then ratified Ms. Evans proposal to implement 'evaluation of the teachers by students' every year and add the students' comments to the teachers permanent record. So the teachers, better watch out!
It is the Headmasters responsibility now to find competent teachers to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, History of Magic, Muggle Studies and Divination. Interested candidates may contact Hogwarts. A wise man once said, "It is our choice to either do the right thing or do what is easy." We at the High Inquisitor are pleased with the Hogwarts Board for doing the right thing for the betterment of our children's education.
The Truth Shall Set You Free!
LARGEST HOGWARTS' FIRST YEAR CLASS EVER!
In a surprising announcement, Professor McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts announced that the incoming Hogwarts' first year class has had the highest registration rate ever this year. Hogwarts sent out 243 letters to students and has received 201 positive responses till now and there is still another week left before registration deadline. When asked for an explanation of this statistical anomaly, Professor McGonagall explained, "Hogwarts usually sends out around 250 letters every year, of which about 200 are to children who are not aware of the magical world. Most do not respond to the letter we send out. Due to shortage of manpower, we are able to approach only a handful of these children and convince them to come to Hogwarts. This year, we have received a positive reply from more than 95% of those children who were not aware of our world. I have no explanation for it."
Ms. Petunia Crouch Evans, the newly elected Hogwarts board member, claimed that she could explain this anomaly. "Did you ever wonder what happens to those 200 children who don't respond to the Hogwarts invitation?" She asked and gave the answer herself. "They are obliviated by our Ministry and their magic bound permanently." Our reporter could only listen to her in horror about someone's magic being bound permanently. 'Does our Ministry really do that?', she wondered. "If you don't believe me, just look at the publicly available obliviation records. The maximum activity is always between the first of September and the fifteenth," Ms. Evans explained.
"You might argue in favor of the Ministry's actions and guess what? I support it! I don't like loose cannons running around in the muggle world with knowledge of the magical world", Ms. Evans continued. "However, the important question I ask is, 'What have you told the eleven-year-olds and their parents about magic for them to make an informed decision regarding their children's magical education?' Do you remember the letter you received when you were eleven? All it says is, 'You are given admission at Hogwarts, owl us if you accept' in a flowery language. Now imagine yourself as a muggleborn who does not believe in existence of Magic, has never heard of Hogwarts, does not know what owl post is, and receives such a letter. Would you think that this letter is genuine or a prank being played by one of your friends? Will you respond to it or will you toss it in the garbage bin? Suppose you do wish to respond to the letter, wouldn't you wonder as to just what the heck is owl-post?"
"Many parents who were concerned about the gross inadequacies in the Hogwarts first-year recruitment process, got together and formed an association called the 'Parents Of Muggleborn Students [POMS]' and I was elected as the President. We largely consist of moms, dads and guardians who volunteer their time to fill this obvious gap. Our primary goal is to increase the recruitment of first years. There are many advantages to this: increase in the declining population of the Wizarding world, increased cash flow into the Wizarding economy, better teaching standards at Hogwarts, etc."
"POMS accessed the list of students who were to be sent the invitations, contacted them and gave them a one week orientation of Magic and the Wizarding world. There were obliviators readily available on site in case the parents or the students refused to accept the invitation. Though most of the parents were not very impressed with how backward the Wizarding world is, they finally consented that it would be in their children's best interest to allow them to go to Hogwarts. Read about muggleborns and their parents' desires to maintain secrecy of the Wizarding world in the next article"
"Why POMS? Why not the Ministry or Hogwarts staff?" Our reporter asked as a concerned member of the magical world. "Are you kidding? They sent out 192 applications to muggleborn students last year. Do you know how many houses were visited? Three! And all three are attending Hogwarts. The Ministry and the Wizengamot do not really care about muggleborns or increasing the Wizarding population. It is full of bigots and I will not be surprised if our dear Minister tries to paint our organization in a bad light as an illegal organization."
"Why did you volunteer?" Here Ms. Crouch Evans sighed and said, "It is possible that I was obliviated and my magic bound. Makes you wonder if there are anything called 'muggleborns'. Maybe we are all descendants of purebloods or squibs who chose the muggle world, I know I am. My sister did not throw away her letter and she became a very famous witch!" "Your sister?" our reporter stupidly asked. "You know, Lily Evans... umm... Lily Potter!" What could our reporter say to such an argument but agree. How many Lily Potters are we missing out on? Even the brightest witch of the current generation, Hermione Granger says. "I am an ant hill compared to the Mount Everest known as Lily Potter. She figured out how to stop the Killing Curse." Wait, we thought it was Harry Potter who deflected the killing curse. Or maybe we have been fed another falsehood by our politicians, the proponents of the 'boy-who-lived' theory. Our reporters promise to research this information pretty fast and get back to our readers.
The Truth Shall Set You Free!
MUGGLEBORNS' PARENTS ACTUALLY SUPPORT PUREBLOOD AGENDA
What is the biggest fear of the purebloods? Why do they see muggleborns as a threat? The biggest fear of most wizards and witches is that muggles might know the existence of the magical world and may choose to destroy it. This fears stems from the days of the 'witch-burning' and we at The High Inquisitor agree that it is a very valid factor.
The muggles over the years have created ghastly methods to kill each other in the name of progress and war. The worst example of such destructive behavior was seen in 1945 when the muggles annihilated two cities in Japan, each the size of London, with a matter of a few seconds using a device called a nuclear bomb. The muggles have also invented machines that would fly from half way across the earth and drop such a nuke in your backyard with pinpoint accuracy. Against such destructive weapons, magic cannot survive. Hence the fear that our magical world may be destroyed in a conflict with the muggles is very valid and there is a necessity for keeping our world a secret. "Those bombs are an equivalent of a million killing curses. But does that mean muggles would drop such bombs on each other or us tomorrow? No! They have become very tolerant these days and after 1945, they have not dropped such a bomb on a city till date. It is amazing how much restraint the muggles show in spite of having such power. With great power comes great responsibility. It makes all the more sense not to unnecessarily antagonize the muggles," explains the father of a muggleborn student.
'With all that progress, why do our purebloods treat muggleborns as second class citizens?' Our reporter wondered. "It is obvious that the Wizarding world is centuries behind the muggle world. Agreed that the muggle world does not have apparition, portkeys and conjuring, but it is amazing what the muggles can do with their technology. It is human nature to fear what you do not know. This fear, ignorance and the perceived notion of hanging onto Wizarding culture leads to practices like nepotism, bigotry and racism. The muggles have identified a long time ago that inbreeding can lead to genetic diseases and it appears that the purebloods of the Wizarding world have not yet woken up to this fact."
So what are the solutions? How can we keep the magical world a secret from the muggles? Ms. Crouch Evans, the president of 'Parents of Muggleborn Students [POMS]' explains, "Hundred percent of the parents of the muggleborn students in our organization have voluntarily signed a legally-binding oath to keep this secret. Magically binding oaths were voluntarily signed by those who had magic. The penalties for breaking both oaths are pretty extreme. POMS has also created safeguards and guidelines to follow in case of accidental disclosure of the secret. These safeguards include the use of Goblin-magic based jewelry that stops the wearer from disclosing the secret, confounds those in the vicinity of the accidental disclosure, and notifies obliviators at the Ministry of Magic." Our reporter was very impressed with the thoroughness of how POMS has tackled the situation. The new Wizarding companies '21st Century' and 'Lightning Broomsticks' are said to be the sponsors of these Goblin-magic jewelry and have promised to fund enough jewelry for everyone.
In related news, two students, a muggleborn and a pureblood, have applied for and received patents for two spells, 'Merlin' and 'Morgana'. Every time any magical person hears of Merlin or Morgana, the spells will reinforce their conviction to keep the Wizarding world a secret. Pretty ingenious, I would say! It is much better than trying to create a law that would try to force this issue and lead to discrimination. "We actually got this idea from the Dark Lord. No, we are not his supporters! What we mean is that the Dark Lord created a similar spell for his name, 'Lord V********'. This spell induces a Boggart-Dementor effect on anyone who hears the name. No wonder everyone shudders when they hear the dreaded name. Pretty ingenious I would say, to instill fear of his name, so that people fear him. We personally think that the phrases 'you-know-who' and 'he-who-must-not-be-named' are ridiculous. We prefer to call the Dark Lord by his given name Tom Marvolo Riddle who is actually a half-blood," the student geniuses explained. Is that the Dark Lord's real name? What is his blood status? Our reporters promise to investigate and report.
The Truth Shall Set You Free!
LIGHTNING - THE ULTIMATE FLYING MACHINE
The broomstick twins have done it again! John and Alan Campbell had recently resigned from Firebolt Inc. and Nimbus Corporation to start their own broomstick company called 'Lightning GEC'. The twins have earned the prestigious 'Golden Broom' award many a times in their 20 year careers. "We are tired of the restrictions on us at these companies stopping us from building the ultimate broom. While Cleansweep and Nimbus companies believe in bringing upgrades to good brooms, Firebolt let us build a good broom, but priced it too high for the common wizard and witch. That is one of the reasons for us to resign from these companies and start our own company." One of the twins commented.
The Lightning is a fantasy come true. The wood used in the handle and the bristles is magical wood, the first ever in any broomstick available at any store. When asked where they got their huge supply of magical wood, the twins smiled and said, "Let us just say that we are not doing any illegal poaching or deforestation. We waited so that we could grow magical plants on our private property and hence are able to create at least a million broomsticks. We wish for every witch and wizard to own our broom."
The neutral magical core in the handle of the Lightning channels the magic from the flyer. Based on the flyer's experience in flying a broom, the broom modifies its performance. The tests conducted have seen speeds of more than 400 miles per hour when an experienced flier flies the broom compared to 80 miles per hour in hands of an inexperienced flier. Our sports reporter wishes to inform the readers that this innovation has never been seen before. The broom also modifies its performance based on the Quidditch position the flyer plays. The box in which the broom is stored can easily be shrunken and carried in the pocket or a chain around the neck. The company also guarantees repairs or replacements on faulty brooms.
The Lightning will be available in select stores around the world on August 7th. This fantastic broom is available at a low price of 110 Galleons per broom (or easy installments of 10 Galleons a month for twelve months). "The Firebolt Corporation produced only 1000 brooms and hence priced it at 3500 Galleons per broom. When you build a million brooms, it is easy to keep the cost per broom low," John Campbell commented with a wink. If these brooms take off like it should, all other brooms including the Firebolt, will have to be sold as scrap for recycling.
The Lightning also have the honor of being the only company ever endorsed by Harry Potter. On questioning Alan Campbell about this, he said, "In our correspondence with Mr. Potter through the 'Enchanted Journals', we were able to get him to advertise for our company. He had two conditions before he agreed. First, that he never be referred to by his hyphenated nickname as he hates it, second, he not be paid in cash or kind for promoting the broom. He only wished us to donate brooms to Hogwarts equal to the number of students in the incoming new year. Come September, we will be donating 250 brooms for use by the first year class and 60 brooms for the four Quidditch teams." Mr. Potter and the broomstick twins get a standing ovation from this reporter.
The Truth Shall Set You Free!
GRINGOTTS ANNOUNCES BETTER BANKING EXPERIENCES
In view of the current political atmosphere, the Gringotts spokesperson Ms. Fleur Delacour reported that Gringotts is adopting several practices to improve the security of Gringotts and to improve the customers' banking experience. Gringotts has announced the following changes.
The customers now need not visit their vaults to withdraw money. Each customer will be given a money pouch that directly links to the owner of the vault. Using the money pouch, the customer just has to wish for the amount of galleons needed and they will appear in the pouch. The pouch has an upper spending limit of 10,000 Galleons per day. Wishing for a balance statement will provide a parchment that lists the current balance in the customer's vault(s).
Ms. Delacour explains that this money pouch will be given free for all customers, but the customers need to collect it within a month, failing which, Gringotts will charge 1 galleon for every visit to the customers vault subsequently. "Imagine the time it would save the customers if they did not have to wait in the queue for their money. Also imagine not having to go on that goblin-cart ride!" Ms. Delacour joked.
Gringotts has also announced that it will stop sending all regular owl-based correspondence. Gringotts has contracted with a new company called 'Rune-Port Corporation' which manufactures 'Rune-Mail' mats. These mats may be used to send and receive mail instantly from each other. Gringotts plans to owl-mail these mats to every customer along with the instructions to bind and customize the mats to the owners of the vault. Ms. Delacour explained that this feature will ensure that none of the Gringotts correspondence may be intercepted midway.
The Truth Shall Set You Free!
FIFTY-THREE INCAPACITATED DEATH EATERS APPEAR IN DMLE
The Director of Magical Law Enforcement, Madam Amelia Bones reported that 53 incapacitated death eaters in death eater regalia were sent by unregistered portkeys to the DMLE. "We do not know where these death eaters came from or even who sent them. The Death Eaters appear to be in a magical coma and preliminary scans indicated that they are in magical shock," explained the veteran Auror. She refused to give any more details as that might compromise integrity and security of the investigation. She refused to comment if the death eaters would be moved to Azkaban or St. Mungos.
The Truth Shall Set You Free!
MINISTRY COFFERS NEARLY EMPTY
Recently our reporters sniffed a lead that an unknown company tried to buy/lease the voting spell from the Ministry. The unnamed company's spokesperson told the Goblins who were trying to acquire the spell for them that they would use it for a lottery/sweepstakes, where the general population would use this spell to vote/bid for the winning price.
The Minister refused to sell the spell and quoted a five-digit galleon figure for the spell. Our reporter was curious about this transaction and dug deeper to find that the Minister was desperate for Galleons as the Ministry Coffers were nearly empty. With the appearance of the Dark Lord, I wonder how the Ministry is going to find the money to prepare for this new threat. Our reporters have promised to dig deeper into the Ministry finances and report next week.
The Truth Shall Set You Free!