AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A DEATH SCENE THAT MAY BE DIFFICULT FOR SOME TO READ. PLEASE KEEP THAT IN MIND BEFORE READING.

Chapter 7

"You taught me the courage of stars before you left.

How light carries on endlessly, even after death.

With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.

How rare and beautiful it is to even exist."

~"Saturn" Sleeping at Last

I roll over and look at the clock, 3:00. I've only been asleep for 2 hours, why am I awake? Shit, is that my phone? I grab it off the nightstand and answer.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Knowles?" Says a male voice on the other end.

"Yes" I reply.

"This is Dr. Marc Jacobson in the St. Thomas ER. I have a patient of yours here" he says.

I jump out of bed and begin dressing. "Which patient?" I ask.

"Abel Teller."

I freeze and almost drop the phone. "I'm sorry, did you say Abel Teller?"

"Yes. He was brought in by ambulance about 20 minutes ago in respiratory arrest and cardiac distress."

"I am on my way. Is he stable now?" I ask, terrified of the answer.

"No, Dr. Knowles he isn't. We are doing everything we can, but we are running out of options." He says frankly.

"I will be there in 10 minutes, just keep him alive until I get there!" I practically shout into the phone.

Eight minutes later I run into the ER and the aide at the desk directs me to Abel's curtain area. I see Jax, Gemma and Wendy in the waiting room as I run past.

I slide gloves on as I pull back the curtain surrounding Abel and my heart drops, he is not breathing, no pulse and they are about to shock him with the pediatric defibrillator.

"What have we got?" I ask the man I assume is Dr. Jacobson.

"No independent respirations since arrival, monitor shows v-fib. We're about to administer epi and the first defibrillation."

"His weight this afternoon was 8kg" I say knowing he needs an accurate weight to calibrate the machine.

"Charging. Clear" he calls and shocks Abel's tiny body. I take over chest compressions between shocks. A nurse continues to administer breaths with an Ambu bag.

I check the monitor, still no normal rhythm.

"Charging. Clear" calls Dr. Jacobson. We all step back and Abel's body contracts and jumps on the table.

"Still nothing" I say. "Beginning compressions."

We repeat this cycle with 3 additional doses of epi before Dr. Jacobson touches my shoulder.

"Dr. Knowles" he says but I ignore him and continue compressions.

"Tara" he says more emphatically.

"No" I shout as I reach for the paddles and he grabs my hands.

"Dr. Knowles, he's gone. Do you want to call it or should I?" I look at him tears streaming down my face then look to the clock.

"Time of death, 5:02am" I say and throw my gloves to the floor. I move to Abel and run my hand down his beautiful face. I brush his blonde locks so like his father's off his forehead before placing a gentle kiss there. "I love you so sweet prince" I whisper before leaving the room to go have the most painful conversation of my life.

I wake up gasping for air, drenched in sweat and sobbing. I look around the room frantically before realizing it was just the same nightmare haunting me again. It's been a few months since I had that particular version plaguing my dreams, I can usually wake myself before I have to relive seeing Abel's lifeless body. Seeing Jury and all the Sons must have stirred up more feelings than I realize.

I stagger out of bed and go into the bathroom to splash water on my face before heading into the kitchen and pulling a bottle of vodka from the freezer. I take a double shot glass out of the cabinet and fill it, gulp it down and fill it again. After 3 of these my hands finally stop shaking and I take a slow deep breath. I put the bottle back in the freezer and walk over to the couch. I sit down, tuck my legs under me and cover myself with a blanket.

I wish I could forget that night, I wish I could silence the voice, the nightmares in my head, but you can't run from the truth. The truth has a way of following you, and those demons in your head, they never leave.

I will never forget the look of hope on Jax's face when I walked into that waiting room, like he just knew that his son was okay because I was there. His trust in me to save Abel was staggering. I had no words, I just looked at him silently sobbing. Jax just stared at me silently. Wendy collapsed to the floor sobbing, but Gemma, well she was never at a loss for words. She looked at me and said "We trusted you to save him. You failed us. You failed Abel." Then she turned and placed her hands on Jax and Wendy's shoulders as they sobbed.

I still don't understand what happened. Even after an autopsy we couldn't figure out what caused Abel's respiratory distress that lead to the fatal arrhythmia. I had seen him in the office earlier that day for an exam and everything looked great, an average 6 month old boy growing and thriving. I had even seen him at Jax's house that night at about midnight. Jax had left Wendy alone with Abel and she called me in a panic. She never really settled into motherhood or sobriety and needed a lot of encouragement which I was happy to give. I never was Wendy's biggest fan, but I just wanted to see Abel happy and healthy, and that meant a healthy, sober and confident mother. I went to the house, checked him out again and he still seemed great. When I left, Wendy and Abel were snuggled up on the couch in Abel's room.

I got home about 1am and two hours later the bottom fell out of all our lives. The loss of Abel put everyone into a tailspin. Wendy starting using again and Jax had no thought in his head beyond violence, whiskey and sex. Gemma found her peace by making sure anyone who would listen knew the sainted Dr. Knowles had failed her family and me, well I guess by now we all know where I ended up.