Chapter 8

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come."

~ Joseph Campbell

At 5am I finally gave up trying to sleep and decided to go for a run. I learned pretty quickly after I started working at Inside Voices that if I wanted to make decent money I needed to be able to keep up my stamina for singing and dancing and that takes a lot of cardio. In this area, especially in the summer, you don't run after the sun comes up so I end up running before sunrise at least 3 times a week. Not fun when you get home from work after midnight most nights.

I used to joke that if you saw me running, you better look behind me for someone chasing me, but now it's actually a great way to clear my head. Nothing but me, good music on my iPhone and desert landscape for miles. Today's workout mix is particularly inspiring. AC/DC Back in Black, Linkin Park Breaking the Habit, The Black Keys Gold on the Ceiling and my current background noise Eminem Lose Yourself.

Look if you had one shot, or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted. One moment.

Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Such a simple idea. Everything you ever wanted is right in front of you, you would have to be crazy to let it go, wouldn't you? I used to think the answer to that question was so simple. At nineteen years old, I had all the answers. Get the fuck out of Charming and never look back, and I thought I had. Then my dad got sick and there was no one else to take care of him. I thought I could go back to take care of him and work at the hospital but still keep one foot out of that crazy ass town. I never planned to stay. Funny how fate doesn't give a shit about my plans.

The day that the paramedics brought Wendy in to the hospital, in labor with Abel 2 months early, I still deluded myself into thinking I could save Jax's baby without having to face Jax. Not sure how I could have been so stupid. When I went to talk to him after surgery, it was like the last 10 years never happened. The instant I saw him my breath caught and my vision narrowed, I saw nothing but him. That feeling of desperation, of needing to touch him if he was in the room, was immediately back. I tried to fight it; after all I had just operated on his wife and son.

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment

You own it, you better never let it go

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

Fast forward 6 months to the worst night of my life. Wendy and Jax were still married, if in name only, and Wendy was living in Jax's house. At Gemma's encouragement of course. Wendy was newly sober, but definitely not reliable. Gemma convinced Jax that if Wendy was in his house they could keep a better eye on her with Abel. In spite of all this, Jax and I had started to reconnect after another ghost from my past came back and shit hit the fan. We soon found out it's a little hard to be together when his estranged wife is living in his house and his bat shit crazy mother is trying like hell to keep us apart.

Shit. Who is calling me?

"Hello?" I say

"Grace. It's Jameson" the voice on the other end of the line says.

"Hey Jameson. What's up?" I ask

"You sound out of breath" he says.

"You caught me while I was running and interrupted my music" I say with a laugh. What I didn't say was thank you for saving me from venturing down memory lane any more than I already was.

"Sorry. I need a favor. I know it's your day off, but can you come in and receive some deliveries for me today? Jerzy will be at the club doing bar inventory, but I don't want her interrupted by all the deliveries coming in." He says.

"Sure Jameson I can do that. Everything okay?" I ask.

"Honestly, I'm not sure. I have to meet up with an old friend who's going through a tough time" he says with a sigh.

"Well if you need anything, let me know. I'll go home and shower now then head to the club. I should be there in about an hour. Is that soon enough?"

"That's perfect. Thanks Grace, I owe you one" he says, relief evident in his voice.

"No problem. Bye Jameson" I say as we disconnect.

An hour later I'm at the club in yoga pants, a fitted t-shirt and gym shoes. It's always weird being here in casual clothes, makes me feel a little vulnerable. I brought my laptop and Kindle with me since I am betting I will be sitting around a lot today. I would offer to help Jerzy with inventory, but she doesn't let anyone touch her stuff. She is definitely a self-sufficient woman.

"Hey Jerzy" I say as I walk into the club. "Did Jameson let you know I would be here?"

"He got a call and ran out of here this morning, told me he'd get someone in to take deliveries but I didn't know who." She answers.

"Well I am the lucky one who gets to sit here today. I'll try to stay out of your way" I say with a smile.

"Sweetheart, you are never in my way" she answers. "I'm gonna' head down to the store room. I'll see you in a bit."

Two hours, 3 deliveries and 2 chapters of a paranormal romance novel later I am ready for lunch. I stand up to head to the store room when Jerzy comes back up.

"Hey Jerzy, I was just coming to see you. I'm starving, you want some lunch?" I ask

"Already ahead of you honey, it should be here any minute. I ordered sandwiches from Danny's Deli" she says.

"I love their food!" I say excitedly.

"I know" she says with a smile as the doorbell rings. "Grab a couple beers while I get the food."

As she heads to the door, I grab the beers and set some plates and napkins on a table.

Ten minutes later we are digging in. Jerzy got a ham and cheese on rye and she ordered me a steak sandwich, my favorite.

"Did I ever tell you how I ended up working here?" Jerzy asks as we are finishing up lunch.

"No, you didn't" I say as I look across the table at her.

"I'm not real open about my past, it isn't something I like to talk about. But I get the feeling that might be something you understand better than most" she says to me with knowing eyes.

"I might know something about that" I say as I stand and clear our trash. I walk behind the bar to throw it away. Where is Jerzy going with this conversation?

"I was taking some boxes out to my car the other night when you and Genesis were leaving. Noticed you had a pretty strong reaction to something in the parking lot. If I had to guess, I'd say it was the motorcycles?" She says with a question in her voice as I'm walking back to the table.

I sit. Not wanting to give anything away, I just nod. She continues.

"They sure do inspire a reaction. Make a girl either spread her legs or run away screaming. The smart ones run away, but if I had to read your face, I'd say you weren't always one of the smart ones" she says with a sad smile.

I don't say anything, just look down at my hands folded on the table.

She reaches across the table and lifts my chin. "Honey, don't you hide that face. We've all been there, believe me." She says with a wink. "So let me tell you a story…"

An hour later, I am speechless. I never would have guessed Jerzy's story, but I felt like I could have written it just the same. Her story could have been my own. Love, betrayal, loss all wrapped up in a motorcycle club.

"So you're telling me you aren't just the bartender here, you're one of the owners?" I ask.

"Yep. When me and the old man split, I needed a place to go and he and his club had just bought this place. He offered me the bartender job and I jumped on it, but I didn't want to work for him, so he sold me a share." She pauses to take a sip of her beer. "When we split there wasn't any hate, just a lot of broken dreams. We were pretty naive when we met, I think we really believed there was a way to make it work. But he was always conflicted. Always pulled in so many directions. As he moved his way up the ranks of his club, it got harder and harder for him to find a way to put us first. After a few years, I saw the writing on the wall and ended it, but I never stopped loving him."

"Did you ever ask him to give up the club? Leave and go somewhere else with you?" I ask.

"I tried, but in all honesty I was afraid of his answer. I knew that I would have been asking him to walk away from family and I just couldn't, so I walked away instead." She says.

"So, you left out the best part of the story" I say with a smile. "How did you two meet?"

"Oh that's a good story" she says with a laugh. "It was at a birthday party. Two club members' kids had just turned 18, well not his club but one they worked with. In the motorcycle club world, 18 is a big deal. That's when are officially adult enough to start trying to work your way into the club."

I notice she isn't using terms like prospect and patch in, but then I remember she probably doesn't realize I know how this whole thing works.

"Anyway, an old friend of mine called me up and said there was this party and I should come. Her son and his best friend were having a joint party since their birthdays were only a few weeks apart. Since I had known her son since he was a baby, I figured why not. The party was one for the record books and back then I could still hang with the big boys." She says as she swallows the last of her beer.

I stand. "I'm getting another, you want one?" She nods and I head to the cooler for two more beers. Once I'm seated, she starts again.

"Where was I? Oh yeah the party. So I've been there a few hours when this gorgeous man comes up and hands me a beer. I accept with a smile and we start talking. At about 3am my friend tells me she's taking her son, his friend and the friend's girlfriend home before they get in more trouble. I get ready to leave, but this man, he was having none of it. We talked for a few more hours, and there may have been some kissing" she says with a wink "but he was surprisingly kind. That's one thing I always loved about him, that kindness hidden below the surface that so few people ever saw."

The doorbell rings and I stand to go get the last delivery. When I get back, I am dying to hear the end of the story.

"So what happened next?" I ask excitedly.

She laughs "It's been so long since I've told this story, it's actually kind of nice remembering. Okay, so the next morning he gave me a ride to my friends on his Harley of course."

"Of course" I say with a laugh.

"My friend is opening the door for her son's friend and his girlfriend to leave as I am getting there. I say goodbye to my new friend, not sure when I'll see him again and head into the house. As soon as I'm inside, Mary is drilling me with questions. Warning me away from any man with a motorcycle, some days I wish I'd listened." She stands and with that story time seems to be over for now, but suddenly alarm bells are screaming in my head. If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that you listen when those alarms go off.

"Jerzy, can I ask you a question?" She nods. "What was your old man's name?"

"Sweetie, haven't you figured it out yet?" She says with a smile. I stare at her blankly. "I used to be married to Jury honey."

Holy shit.

"Wow. No I hadn't figured that one out. Must be hard for you to have to see him around here." I say.

"Actually it's kind of nice. Like I said, we didn't split because of any bad feelings, I just knew what the future held and I didn't want it. In the end, my friend Mary was right. She and her old man split too and she tried to get her kid out but the life just sucked him in. Last I talked to her, he was doing 5 years in a federal prison and her ex was a blind drunk."

There are those alarm bells again.

"Can I ask one more question?" She looks at me patiently and nods slowly, almost like she's waiting for me to figure something out. "Your friend Mary, where does she live?"

She just smiles "I think you already know, you're just afraid to let your brain catch up. My friend Mary, she's from Charming, CA."

As her words sink in, my beer falls to the floor and shatters. Thank god I'm sitting or I probably would have just shattered on the floor too.

"Grace, honey, breath. You look like you're going to pass out." She says as she quickly walks to me and puts her arm around my shoulders.

I turn and look at her "Are you talking about Mary Winston? Opie's mom?"

"That's her." She says.

"But that means that the party…"

"Yes honey, the party was Jax and Opie's 18th birthday." She pauses and sees the tears streaming down my face, terror in my eyes. "Don't cry sweet girl. You have no reason to cry. No reason to be afraid."

I just stare at her. No reason to be afraid? I thought I was safe here, so well hidden. But if she knows Mary, Opie, Jax? There is no way I can stay.

"Okay, Grace listen to me. I can see you putting on those running shoes in your mind, but stop it right now. You truly have no reason to be afraid."

"Jerzy, you don't understand. There are so many reasons I have to be afraid, you can't possibly understand." I say.

"Sweetheart, like I've told you before, you can't run from what's in your mind." With that she heads to the bar.

I stand to leave. I have some decisions to make.

"Jerzy, can I ask you one more thing?" I ask and she nods. "Do you know who I am?"

"Honey, I've known who you were since the day you walked into this club." She replies.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I ask shocked.

"Because when I looked at you, the girl with the fire in her eyes I met at that birthday party was just a shadow. You were consumed by sadness and regret when you sat down at my bar, and I saw no reason to add to that." She says.

"So why say anything now?" I ask.

"Good question. I guess because when I look at you now, I see a little bit of that fire coming back. Thought maybe if I lit a spark, the fire might start burning again." Jerzy says and I look at her with doubt in my eyes. "Don't run sweetie. No matter where you go, your past goes with you. But if you learn to embrace that past in all its brutality and beauty, you just might learn to live through it."

Not sure what else to say, I just nod and turn to leave. This day definitely didn't turn out the way I expected.